" i hurt you " " ... as always "
Friday, November 25, 2011 | 10:48 PM
Under the wing of Wanzhen recently cause of the upcoming standard chartered marathon 2011 CIP that we're doing together on 1st and 2nd Dec . P: Had to travel to Singapore Sports Council near mountbatten ( circle line ) which ishh kinda far and troublesome to travel even for one as outgoing as me . There's something about nights that makes me feel small when i'm alone . Had to go SSC yesterday after band ( last minute reminded by Wanzhen ) then after the briefing , had to go home , alone . A first for yours truly . Lawls .
Somehow , i cans always find people to pei me . Used to have this special bunch of people who was always there for me , and normally ishh i have to reject their invitation to go out and if i need someone i cans easily find them . Somehow , somewhere along the days , i drift apart from them . From chatting daily and having htht every few days , now i wonder do you even rmb i exist in your life ? Lawls . And once in a while , when someone mention your name(s) , i suddenly rmb once upon a time we were THAT close . From friends to strangers , this ishh reality .
I know a few friends ( please , dont deprive me of that last little privilege to call you my friends ) , who just one day , pop and disappear . And i know even more who gradually just dissolve into nothingness and no longer there . Some , told me i cannot be too dependent on them and have to live on my own . Some , were pursuing their life and forgot me along the way . Lawls . Some , told me it's for the best and shouldn't complicate things . The people i've lost , whom i've never cried for , when it comes to days like yesterday and today , when i cant find anyone to hold to , i truly miss them .
When people leave you like this , you'll either turn hard or turn ... harder . You'll either fear people might leave you agains or you'll get used to it . But for people like me . Well , i kinda never learn from mistakes like these . I still open my heart to whoever that dares walk in . I have friends whom i know almost for 10 years now , so i know it's not a problem with me . *self-reassurance* But i guess it's a real pity , when you got so close , have so much between you and someone else and suddenly one day you realize you've lost it all . And it's something you cans never get back . ... Gosh i really lost a lot of people . Lawls ...
This kind of stuffs , always sounding all too familiar . And sometimes they happen to people you least expect . ... Anyways , speaking of yesterday's band practice . Had combines then sectionals . Feeling quite productive actually but accidentally forgot the timings given by the leaders and caused the whole junior band to be dismissed late . Urgh . Too much on my mind every time we have band . Esp when there's combines . Shall not whine nor elaborate . :) But i just hope that those who judge me in band , know that i put in lots of effort . At least more than you think , and perhaps even more than you .
I really wanted to write and reflect about this thing that has been on my mind for quite a while now .... but it's getting late so ...
*abrupt ending*
P.S. The girl in the photo with me ishh Wanzhen (L) . Similar ( not same uhh ) photo used on When there's no love , ♥
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she's what i want to be ,
Tuesday, November 22, 2011 | 5:04 PM
Din really finish posting de other day . Still had a lot to say actually . Just shortly summarizing up my holidays up to this point . :D first week of holidays were devoted to CCAs and homework , second week was all for CCA , third week had a lot of fun playing , concert , class chalet , and USS trip . P: This ishh already the fourth week and i plan to finish my homework . :X next week ishh my CIPs week then having CCAs the week after . And there goes my time for part-time-working . :/
Anyways , that was the USS (Universal Studios Singapore) photo you see up there . Went with my father , brother , Amy and Jiahui (L) . Went last year with my dad and bro but that time the Battlestar Galactica (roller coaster) was down for renovation . So .... That day , after that ride , every ride felt like a stroll in the park . :X So to have maximum pleasure , it ishh advised to those who have yet to go to take other rides first before tackling the Battlestar Galactica . Cause after taking that , other rides like no feel , no kick ler . But of cause , if wait until last then take that ride , maybe by then no guts ler . ;p
Actually i was hoping my dad , Amy and Puipui have more fun . Cause well , the two girls are so-called guests and if they never had fun i will forever be feeling remorseful , wasting their money and all . :/ But felt most guilty towards my dad . :/ He spent this huge amount of money , and accompanied us to make sure we dont get into trouble or meet with any danger but he himself was unable to enjoy any rides due to his fear for heights . Wish i could have somehow help him to be more happy . Haish .
He was saying the other day , the day when i was going class chalet , before i went out . How he turn down this job that offers a high pay but ishh all the way in China just to take care of me and my brother . When i was younger , ungrateful me was like , walao why never go ... go ler make my days happier and more free . But then , now that i'm older , and see more of the world . Well ... not that much , but enough to make me reconsider this situation and my views now . Cause i saw , how some teenagers felt neglected by their parents and were like all alone at home , with no one to
Suddenly thought about this . Life ishh like a kite . Yes truly now that i think about it . :P Some of us , wanted to be freed from the ropes that tie us down . While others , long to have a rope to keep them to their roots . When you're not tied down , you have the freedom , but when you're tied down , you know you are wanted , somehow , somewhere , by someone . Anyways , just for plain entertainment , i drew that myself so do pardon me for the lousy quality . :/ But my point ishh , everything comes with a price . So while on a journey for something that you want badly ( e.g. freedom ) , you might be forgetting something else that's far more important .
Okays ... maybe the quality ishh like real bad .... LOL . Maybe if i'm not so desperately trying to put my point across people would understand it better ? :x Hmmm . Anyways , shall talk about class chalet . This year both my 2K and 3J de chalet dates are 16 to 18 Nov . LOL . Talk about coincidence . But only went on the 17 cause other days weren't free . My first time to a chalet and it's like what i always see on FB . Those photos of the places i mean . But it was a pity that both the chalet didn't have BBQ cause they concluded that there wasn't enough people to split the money and get the food .
Half the time during chalet i was worrying about crossing the paths of the many ahbengs and ahlians there . And i finally see why my dad was always so worried about me whenever i go out . Of course , i'm not that dense to go mess with them but you'll never know when one of them decides to pick on you . Many a times i couldn't quite figure out the mindsets of this generation's teenage gangsters . And i actually find it quite scary . Here goes a confession : Everytime i walk by ah lians or bengs , deep inside , i fear that i would somehow offend them and they might do something to me . But of cause , yours truly ishh too stubborn to show it . :)
Okaysokays , going back to the chalet part , despite it all , still had quite a lot of fun . P: Been mostly to the 2K one cause very long never see the people there ler , good time to bond and catch up with them although kept having this remorse and guilt leaving 3J behind . Anyways , was trying to spook everyone out during the chalet but i think i was the most spooked-out one though i din show it . And in de end , only Zhixun knows that i was really scared myself ( and coincidentally , Zhixun was the one i was trying to scare the most .___. ) Anyways , when others comment how zai i am at hiding my secrets and erm .. " stuffs " i actually find it very much of a compliment and take pride in it . LOL :x
Was just blog-hopping , twitter-walking and back to feeling how much i envy other people's life . Though i know how wonderful my life already this . There's this envy that you somehow couldn't help but feel when you saw others leading the life you wanna have . But recently , nowadays i kept worrying about my future . It's just that i've always taken it for granted that i'll go to the university of my choice , graduate , then get a job that i'm interested in , make my parents proud and everything falls neatly into place one day ( have i already said this before ? :/ ) But now , i worry about . ... How . How am i gonna make everything falls neatly into place ?
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we shared the same tune ,
Monday, November 21, 2011 | 5:18 PM
Frequency of my blogging dropping like shit . Feeling very remorseful personally so please dont whine to me more about it . :/ Today's the 21st , also my 3rd month with my sweetest now . *insert truckloads of hearts* Went to watch choir concert on 16 Nov de other day with my sweetest . Had the worst of cramps and wearing this high heels which i seldom wear . Yeah imagine the pain . Totally worthy though . Cause i had the time of my life . The concert was highly-entertaining . Enjoyed sharing stories about the performers onstage to my sweetest . There was a part which i closed my eyes and almost fell asleep to the melodious tunes of RVChorale ♥
Anyways , speaking of performance , my own band performance at the University Cultural Center with the Yuhua Concert Band ended better than i expected . :D We were the opening item in which we were the background then there were dancers from other schools dancing in front of us . Normally during practice , yours truly no mistake de , but that day dunno what happen , forgot a few steps here and there . Anyways , it made the people around me from my section laughed . Totally worth it . There's this guy , a malay one year younger than me , chubby chubby , more meaty than my brother whom i found extremely cute and hilarious , couldn't stop laughing at my mistakes . LOL . But the laugh was very infectious and made the whole dance very enjoyable . :D
Anyways , Ms Chan almost removed percussion from the opening thingy . Gosh so glad she din . :x Kellie commented to me afterwards that when she chased us off stage my face was like filled with contempt and looking murderous when the rest was like crest-fallen . LOL . I cant help it . :/ i dont smile i look like gangster , i smile people think i not serious . Haish . Suddenly rmb that time i attempted to act cute in front of my dad and he scold me got attitude problem . .___. My face really that horrible meh T.T
But super glad in de end we pulled it off and managing to have so much fun . :D And that was my BEST performance out of so many practices especially for the Jpop medley song . And it was my first time at the UCC . Learnt so much stuffs especially learning alongside the yuhua ppl . Realized i'm like nothing compared to the YuhuaPercuz section leader and i'm already collapsing in stress when she handles and achieve so much more than me *hung head in shame* . Din went for the last 2 band practises and apparently they had sectionals and they were like slacking away . So pissed when i heard about it . But now in a dilemma on how to scold them . And one thing that never fails to bug me ever since i become SL .... whether i have the rights to scold them . NOT looking forward to the next band practice . :/
There . The enormous size of 100 people with 60 percent from Yuhua and 40 percent from RV . Another chapter in my RVCB career that i'll never forget . Looking forward to another combine performance with them :D Speaking of RVCB career , they now already trying to pull the year 3s into senior band . But i dont think i will continue . Shall be insistent . :x Really wanted to join photography club , ELDDS and some community service stuffs instead . ELDDS has forever been my interest . Shall try to go for it . Drama and debate ...
Anyways , 3 weeks of holidays has passed and already i'm worrying about school starting . Time passes by too fast all the time , yet too slow when you look at it . They say how long or short time feels depends on the situation you're in . Imagine 5 minutes waiting outside the toilet and 5 minutes in the toilet cubicle . Or compare 5 minutes before an essay paper end and 5 minutes before recess starts . Not sure my point get put across but woke up this morning feeling grateful to God that i could sleep in and not worry about school or work . :) Promise to post more ( and better ) stuffs next time . :)
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if you had told me ,
Wednesday, November 9, 2011 | 8:23 PM
Yeah . Yours truly now has 3 ear holes . And the left ear continues to be a virgin . :x anyways finally pierced the bottom one on HSK day . The unforgettable 3rd day of September . Oh and I got 266 / 300 for HSK . Through comparison with my friends I thought I did quite well , then heard the scholars got like what 280+ , 290+ . Mood trashers . D: Oh and I realize the last time I blogged was like weeks ago . And in the blink of an eye , it’s the holidays already . Blink one more time , holiday over . D:
Been doing a bit of holiday homework here and there , but recently mostly busy with CCA . Well , like always . P: Been wanting to do a whole lot of CIP but 2 weeks passed with me clocking in nothing . D: Was being emotional de other day and had some random conversations playing out in my mind while I was showering . Aka my thinking time . Scenes were of form teachers talking to me outside class during champs .
Mrchan : So how are you recently ?
Xinying : Okays bah .
Mrchan : … So… your parents got say anything about your results ?
Xinying : Haven’t tell them yet .
Mrchan : … You okays mah ? … With your results ?
Xinying : Ya .
Mrchan : … You got anything to say ?
Xinying : About what ?
Mrchan : okays neverminds .
郑老师 : 你最近还好吗？
Xinying : 就这样咯
老师 : …成绩还满意吗？
Xinying : 还可以
老师 : 你平常不是很多话说的
Xinying : 平常的经验告诉我说什么也是白说
And Idk how she might reply to that . Do I sound like I am closing up . I feel like I am . Well . Okays maybe I’m not but I want to . Idk why am I emo-ing , that cold and distanced feeling , when there’s nothing wrong with my life . …….. Okays … this might be freaky but now that I’m feeling better , here’s how it’ll really go had I not been being emotional .
Mrchan : So how are you recently ?
Xinying : Not bad . … Oh my mum buy for me new clothes recently . I think very nice . Omgomg cant wait to wear them . Aiya but wait till New Year then wear better . I going back Malaysia celebrate new year I think . OH you know this coming New year is in late January sia . Quite early . Oh my birthday January 15 . Mr chan you how old ?
Mrchan : Okayokay don’t talk about this . Your parents got say anything about your results ?
Xinying : Eh…. My dad say cans do better . But my mum quite excited cause I told her I got improve . Cause year 1 eoy I got 2.9 , Year 2 ishh 3.0 now 3.2 , I tell her next year I want 3.5 then she like very excited for me also . :D I also very excited . …. LOL later in the end no motivation to study then gg .
Mrchan : Okayokay good . Go back go back . I need to talk to other people .
Okays yeah . basically I talk like that to the teachers half the time and once and start I find it hard to stop . Maybe cause I wanna talk to adults since I don’t get the chance to often at home ? Idk . But apparently SOME teachers find it irritating and don’t bother to hide their annoyance . (: Try having a scarred childhood jerk . Like I wanna turn to teachers to talk . That sounds so uncool . But argh that’s what I do . :/
Oh was just thinking in the showers the other day ….. yes thinking in the hold toilet again . T.T About how I love having my counseling session with the school counselor but how , some of my friends who really needed the counseling hate talking to the counselor to the maximum . ( okays that feels weird typing that whole word out ) But anyways , I find it hard to comprehend how people think sometimes . It just feels so good to have someone to talk to , someone to listen to you for FREE , but you just have to build a wall around you like you did to everyone else ? Seriously man , it doesn’t get better than this .
I used to keep everything to myself too . Those kind of hyper 24/7 in school go home break down and cry . There was this period when things got so serious … hahhaha I cans still see the picture of me emoing and looking out of the window , tears running down my face and feeling sorry for myself . …. Aww... so cute…. ….. and dumb . ._. There’s this quote that says : “ For every minute that you spent feeling sad , you’ve wasted a minute of which you could have been happy . ” Speaking like such a positive guru yo ! P:
Oh . watched Love Guru on channel 5 the other day . LOL . Even better than the morning Sunday shows on channel 8 by the local kids . Okays I was being sarcastic and I way prefer the latter . ( Currently addicted to this 快乐火柴 *gushgush* ) They’re so cute gosh . :x Compared to those kids acting in the variety shows who don’t even dare to look into the camera , they’re professionals ! :D And gosh are they adorable ! But still a long way to go compared to other overseas kids actors though . P:
Okays I’ve been typing for so long but have got like nothing constructive . Like I see others blog and share their views about the recent happenings of the world or in Singapore , like the recent teenager girl who slapped her mum and was like wheeeeeeeeeeee about the whole thing . …. Bet there’s a lot others who does that too but never declare nia .
I was tempted to sometimes , hit my mum I mean . Then she just had to look so cute ( yes I think my mum ishh cute in a way . gosh . idk why but she gives me that feeling . I think people like Amy , Isabelle , and Charmaine , whoever that interacted with my mum when they come my house will agree lor . ) :X Man… ishh this love ? hahahha . That sounds .. urgh *shivershiver* but quoting another quote , “ Love when you’re ready , not when you’re lonely . ”
Applies to everything we do in life . You face your emotion when you’re ready for it , not when it’s heated and all . That’ll be like the 三分钟热度 thingy . So when you’re like really really angry , furious , agitated , annoyed so on and so forth , don’t let it all out right away . You clench your fist . AND SMASH THAT JERK’S FACE ! kidding kidding . :P You clench your fist and walk away . Then come back when you’re ready , not ready to fight , but ready to clear the mess .
Oh and as I was saying , other bloggers talk about food , the recent news , advertise this and that . And me ? I share my showering experience . ..... In the holy toilet ..... Thinking about ...... Heh .
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