Sunday, February 16, 2014 | 11:09 PM
I caught myself thinking about you again and I really need to stop doing that.
Valentines is just over and I had been thinking about the sweetest things a guy has done for me and the sweetest thing I've done for a guy. I still remember the sweetest thing a guy ever done for me: we were having dinner together and he stopped me from having cold drinks (probably some chilled tea, I can't remember, and I never take carbonated drinks unless desperate). I didn't understand why a good gentleman wouldn't let a poor girl quench her thirst.
Then he said, "Your mense is coming, you should refrain from drinking cold drink or else you're gonna get those bad cramps again and it hurts me to see you in such pain, especially when I couldn't do anything about it." Surprised, I asked him how did he know my mense is coming when I don't even know it myself (somemore is yours truly's own body yeah?) and he said, "oh I downloaded this app on my phone and recorded your last cycle and then it will calculate when your next cycle will come. Then if you PMS I will pamper you more because I know it wouldn't be your fault."
It is not some expensive jewellery, not some gigantic teddy bear (although I really LOVE giant teddies), not some outrageous bouquets of flowers but it is definitely one of the sweetest thing a guy has ever done for me. I don't even record my mense! (Okay not at that time. I do now though) mense cramps has got to be the worst physical agony my body has been and is going through quite often. I remember there was this time "friend" had to go get for me the pink mense panadol in de middle of the night because it was so bad I couldn't sleep and staying awake was too painful.
For me personally, the sweetest things I do has got to be all my love letters (quality-assured) and mushy messages. There was once I quarrelled with "friend", then we stopped talking and I felt really bad about it that night so despite having school the next day, I spent the whole night writing three separate essays-long love letters, sealed with an envelope with the phrase, "open when you need to know how much I love you". Then in the morning, I dropped de letters off at his door before going to school (and despite all the extra travelling, I wasn't late for school. So I really don't get it why some people has issues with punctuality. If you are going to be late, it just means that I am not worth waking up earlier for and you don't treasure the time you are going to spend with me uh)
Speaking of how precious time is, because of my strict father, the time I get to spend outside is limited and I really cherish the little time I get to spend with my friends. I remembered there was once I was going to meet "friend" and I was anxious to meet him, to spend more time with him, we arranged to meet at 8am in de morning. He woke up at 10am. I waited under his block for more than two hours (literally). LOL. If you ask me, no I don't really regret it. Because sometimes.... Some people are worth waiting for, (If you disagree, you probably haven't found THE one yet)
And secondly, there was this auntie. She came down for breakfast at 8am plus, then at 9am plus, she was waiting for the lift then she asked me whether I was waiting for someone. Then I said yeah but I think he still sleeping. So she waited with me! LOL. Then when "friend" finally came down, she lectured him for making a girl wait for so long. Is this what they call a modern day version of saving a damsel in distress? Not that I'm in any form of distress other than the anxiety of waiting.
I love being around him and I miss being with him. He just makes me feel safe and warm and complete whenever he's around. I know I'll be protected, and taken care of and I can let my guard down, remove the walls I built against the world when he's there with me. No other guy, nor my girlfriends, can make me feel like. With the rest of the world, I have to constantly filter my thoughts, think twice before speaking, refrain my actions and control myself thrice as seriously. I have to worry about hurting or offending them but with him, I know I will be forgiven eventually. (Maybe not this time though. I have gone too far this time)
He calls me stupid all the time. Yes I feel insulted each time he does that but I know that deep inside him, beneath all the mean and arsehole words that he spit out, he really love(d) me. He calls me "silly" in such an affectionate and adorable way that... Thinking about it now makes my heart feels like it is being stabbed a million times over. What will I give, just to have him hurl words of abuse at me again...? Because I would rather spend my days arguing with him, than kiss another guy. I would rather fight to exhaustion to be with him, than to spend a happily ever after with another guy.
But of course if I were to see him again, with another girl in his arms, I'm gonna smile. A smile full of "man, I'm so glad for you", mixed with, "...I wish that girl is me." I have been practising that smile recently in case I really see him on the streets one day (yes life loves throwing surprises like these) .... I hope I will be able to hold back the tears though....
I have tons of messages which I screenshot in my phone from him (because I am the sentimental kind) which will make people go AWWWW for me if I mention it here. Which I won't, because for one, I'm a nice girl so I wouldn't try to make my readers jealous and two, I don't want people to pity me for losing sucha sweet guy (he can when he wants to be) :x so I will talk about the messages which I screenshot from friends, talking ABOUT him.
Alicia: "are you two still talking?"
Me: "not really, why?"
Alicia: "can you teach me how did you get over him?"
Me: "I think I never did. LOL"
And I never will. But I accepted it already.
As for my new love, (whom I have yet to meet of course). I promise that I will learnt from all my lessons, and try not to let history repeats itself. And I will love you more than what you think this little broken and stained heart can offer :p ... I may sound like I am making a promise to someone who has yet to exist, but actually this is a promise to myself. .... I guess I have been and am, a easy person to leave because I hold no value nor significance nor uniqueness.
I told myself that I will end this post on a happy note so let's move on to happier things to talk about. (But if halfway it becomes heart-wrenching again, please forgive me because I seem to have a knack for that). Anyways, went to Mr Tan BJ's house the other day and it was really fun with the 6F people there - Kaiwen, Jialing, Janice, Shirley, Brangelina, Waihong, Miaoye, Huimin, Pearly. Mr Tan's daughter really made my day too. I miss being able to observe little kids. (No I am not a pedo/child-stalker) Their innocence and pure mindset, their plain, obvious, unhidden, unmasked desire for attention and love and protection from their parents. Yeah we need to teach kids, teach them how to grow up but sometimes we need to look at them, and learn from them how to live.
Anyways, Mr Tan's daughter was climbing up Mr Tan agilely (who was sitting on a chair) and I was like, "Man... I used to have that skill..." LOL. My childhood was really sweet and fun and it's something I miss dearly, but, unlike the case with him, I've grown up, let it go, got over it and understand that the past is the past. I'm just glad that I was lucky enough to experience what it's like to have a complete and happy family, and what it'a like to be properly loved. :')
To the top
Thursday, February 13, 2014 | 12:23 AM
(I apologise for the lack of photos in this post. It's not because I'm lazy but cause I'm blogging from the IPad and I haven't figured out the mechanism of how it works yet. Sigh)
The dreaded time of the year is here. Valentines Day. Yayyy /cue Ms Chitra fake enthusiastic cheer/ I have a love-hate relationship with V day. I love the idea of everyone expressing love for everyone, but I hate the big hooha about it. And all guys seem to shun me on V day. Must be some unwritten rule or agreement that I never knew about. I have my fair share of relationship with guys, but somehow at this time of the year, I'm always single. But what I cannot stand most I guess, is that during this period, I feel extra attention-needy. Because of the significance of that day I always let myself feel the high hopes that I know will always come crashing down.
When I close my eyes, I imagined your hands stroking my hair, and that's how I get by every night. It makes me cry, but it helps me to sleep.
People do selective hearing all the time. I think that half the time, our sixth sense knows what's going on and we subconsciously shut off some voices, filter our vision. We accept and remember things we want to hear and we rephrase mean things we hear to make ourselves feel better. And we constantly do all this little lying to ourselves. Personally, I don't do little lies, I do big deception and denial. But at least I don't let someone else decide what's true for me.
Anyways, was doing personality test (which we do a lot of, especially me and Shirley I think) in class de other day with le girls. I was trying to think of a reason why we do all this kind of personality tests and Terence made a valid point about it but which I didn't want to admit to. "We want to hear certain things we have always thought about ourselves coming from someone else." Something good and perhaps some sort of approval. The results of these tests will give certain sentences that we can relate and agree to (by chance or by science that will be for further discussion), and we will remember those phrases, and fit it into us.
Making us into thinking that, yes this is accurate. But he strongly believe (I can still remember how ji dong he was when he talked about it) that personality tests are not accurate (except maybe that universal one which I cannot remember the name as of now), but I beg to differ. Because I believe that there is a reason for everything. There's a reason why we have different answers to the same personality test, there is a reason why we can relate to the result given (no matter whether it's untrue or unproven, yet).
One of the reasons why I want to study psychology was this. I think people is one of the most interesting subject to study and it is constantly evolving and ever-changing. If there really is a science behind it, I would love to know it. What makes me chose a blue polka dots socks over a pink stripes one? Is it that blue represent something in my life that I have at the back of my mind? Like this blue coloured card I received from "friend" once? What makes me chose a lacy wedding gown over a flowery one in another test? Is it that I am a different kind of feminine deep inside?
Back to the personality test that I said my class people were doing. That test gave me a different experience and taught me something new. It's not from the results but from the process of the test. It was a test about choosing your favourite 'door' given ten options - each with a different colour, different design and different feeling. When I was choosing my "door", I decided to chose one that will "fit my ideal home".
What I mean by that, is that the door can open to many other places, to work, to a friend's house, to an event, etc. and I decided to chose a door, whose design looks like it will open up to a warm and comfortable home. The result says yours truly is a stable and wholeness person, appreciating safety and security (yes I am not a very exciting gal) and a other stuff which I still find fitting but am too lazy to type out. But after the doing of the test and the discussion about personality tests, I asked the rest and they said that they din really think about the door but just chose what they really feel drawn to.
Unconsciously, which door, do our hearts want to open the most?
I know I want to find the door to happiness. But I have yet to define what happiness is to me. I am just enjoying the little moments of happiness I receive and experience and feel now and then, rather than indulging and basking in happiness. I want to laugh and let the laugh stay on my face and in my heart, instead of laughing, then the smile slowly fading and then the wave of fatigue takes over again. ... Screw you A Levels.
Anyways, speaking of people, I CANNOT understand the 2000s kids. They are really a new generation of people brought up by technology, and a totally-secure environment (well in the case of Singapore anyways). Speaking of which, was having GP lecture today (one class attending the "lecture" only LOL) and there were many things which once happened in Singapore that I never would've imagined. Like how the govt once tried to make the educated people (those with degree) to breed more and encouraged the not-so-smart one to sterilise. It surprised me because I thought we were a cooler and less-shallow society than that. (But at that time I guess it's really "Bo bian".) There is no such thing as an ideal birth control policies.
I didn't intend to talk about policies.... Back to the 2000s kiddos. I think they are more comfortable with electronic gadgets than with people and I think that's really sad. And most of them are being nurtured to be keyboard warriors (who are actually people who are too humji to stand up for themselves in real life), feeling safer to speak their mind when they can hide behind the screen. And a lot of them cannot adapt easily to changes in environment, and many are too afraid to come out of their comfort zone.
Other than my interactions with my brother's friends, my only other interactions with the 2000s kids is with my band juniors. The rare times that I take them (year 1s and 2s) for sectionals, their behaviour just make them seem socially awkward. The hiding-behind-my-friend(-because-my-senior-looks-too-sexy-for-me) action (I cannot tahan this because it makes the person seem puny and makes me feel unapproachable which is not the case), and then there's the 'shifty eyes' when you're talking to them and NOT ONCE will they look into your eyes (I admire thy's ability to be able to see me and understand me and my body language without looking at me /applause/), and then there's the judging you face (because generation gap makes whatever I'm talking about sounds like alien language).
But I'll still try my best for them and I hope my juniors won't have that much issue with them. Hopefully, I'm overthinking and maybe they are okay people and perhaps they don't have attitude problems. .... Who am I kidding. Anyways, I think I disappointed Ms Chan today and I am furious with myself (which puts me in a really bad mood). And V day is around the corner! (Double le bad mood)
I don't want somebody just to get me through the night,
To the top