I am forced by the passing of time, the transition of life stages, and the expectations of society to grow up and to behave like a "grown-up" (whatever that would constitute). But here, I would just be a little childish, a little self-centered, a little irresponsible, a little too honest but also a little too pretentious.

24, and still counting.




Kept all my past posts intact because my past was what made me, me. Deleting them doesn't change who I am so I revisit my memories sometimes, to learn and to laugh at my past mistakes.

(Just kidding, I revert some posts to drafts because I'm utterly embarrassed.)


January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
October 2012
November 2012
April 2013
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
October 2013
November 2013
December 2013
January 2014
February 2014
March 2014
April 2014
May 2014
June 2014
July 2014
August 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2014
January 2015
February 2015
March 2015
April 2015
May 2015
June 2015
July 2015
July 2016
October 2016
December 2016
January 2017
March 2017
April 2017
May 2017
June 2017
July 2017
October 2019
December 2019
April 2020
May 2020


Designed by: Ahting

What does it mean to be an 18 year-old Junior College student studying in Singapore? Basically this.
So right now I’ve given in to the lure of the internet, blogging about a life that I want people to think I have, and deceiving myself that people are actually interested enough to read, and at the same time, procrastinating the work that I should be doing. Yes, we are known for our talents at multi-tasking and procrastination.





At the back of my mind, I’m constantly worried about not doing enough in my preparations for the A Levels Examinations (or at the moment, my upcoming prelims). But my actions does not reflect my thoughts as I continue to do things (read online manga, watch variety shows, blog) that in no way help me to reduce my stress and at the same time, increase my stupidity. Why do I not want to study? Hell, I sure want to, not only to do well, but to learn new things as well and use the things that I’ve learnt to my advantage (for example, showing off my (limited) knowledge about the economy to my younger brother).

When you’ve reach 18 and remain trapped in a JC in Singapore, you’ve probably gone through the system and has been brainwashed about how you need to do well in EVERYTHING (academics – nothing below a B, or you’re really stupid; community involvement programs – better hold an event or two or be some sort of leader (though you really don’t care about the newspapers that doesn’t get recycled, who cares about papers and trees when everything’s a webpage away); aesthetics – good to learn a few instruments, maybe the piano and violin/guitar, just in case your parents need to compare you with the neighbor’s kid; relationship – MUST. BE. POPULAR)

And then comes “life on the other side” and we submit ourselves to the self-pitying of how in comparison to our counterparts at the other side of the world (enjoying their teenage-life partying, drinking, being lovey-dovey with their delicious-looking boyfriends etc. doing anything but studying) they are experiencing a better 18-year-old life. Damn it, every other 18-year-olds are living a better teenage-life than you are, even those who are also trap in the same country, same system, same JC as you.
They have the things that you don’t, for example: that smile on their face.

Agree agree? Yes. Truthfully? No.

I feel that anything that I write after that chunk of meaningless claims that lack depth will sound stupid. It will become either: 1. More rants; 2. Moral lectures (about how to be appreciative, not to be stereotypical etc. which nobody needs); 3. An embarrassing attempt at being reflective and all-grownup-ish. I don’t know man, I just felt like blogging after stalking a few blogs of my fellow batch mates (yes I do check out my fellow RV year 6s’ blogs).



Previous blogskins of mine

I get disappointed about a few blogs which have been removed or locked by their authors. Those were the blogs which have been really entertaining and gossip-worthy (sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way, but I make it a point not to degrade anyone), which have dared played with fire (and I guess, been burnt by it) and the authors have been really interesting to stalk to investigate.

I find pleasure in checking out what my comrades have been doing in their JCs journey: voluntary activities, public events they attended, movies they’ve watched, birthday celebrations, clothes that they donned etc. But I get really irritated when all I read are updates about their study schedule/grades (or their supposed lack of revision, which I don’t see any lack of if all you’re posting about is your studies and nothing else then obviously you’re too much into it).

I guess my opening to this post has been influenced by a few comrades who have fallen into the trap of *this* /waves hands around the whole of MOE/ and who have blogged (or rather whined) about results, results and results and their lack of everything else. It gets too much when all the posts are like that. I blame myself for stalking these blogs which gave me nothing but annoyance and took it out on my own space. ... Perhaps I fancy getting annoyed. LOL.

Another category of irritably amusing blogs belongs to the “blogstar”-wannabes. I dare not venture into an elaboration of this because I feel that I will offend a lot of people. LOL. But thankfully it's not all that bad because once in a while I get inspired by a few blogs, to look at things from another point of view, to reflect and research on certain issues I overlooked, to compare my behavior/thinking/judgment with theirs. (Note to self: never to compare my grammar, vocabulary and phrasing with others unless I need a serious reminder on how terrible mine is).

I have some kind of unjustified pride for the fact that I’ve been sticking to blogger since my blogging journey began in 2007. Even though there’ve been wordpress which is rumored to be more user-friendly, and tumblr, which everyone flocked to during its hike a few years back and now there’s dayre, … blogging cannot get more simple than this. Dayre honestly feels like another facebook/twitter especially with its layout of a profile picture and a cover photo at the top, I guess I prefer blogger because it allows me to personalize my own space.

... I can’t believe I just blogged about blogging.
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Random bouts of self-love that comes out of nowhere at the moment. LOL. Makes me wanna let down my hair, dress up and sashay along the roads in town in my new favourite forest-green hi-low shirt from Shirley. Not forgetting my new pair of lace heels too. Not that I'm all coped up at home recently. Been going to school to study (and hanging around) with Yiling, Kaiwen, Waihong, Shirley and Jialing. Times like this, just working quietly alongside each other, will end soon enough though. 4 more months.





Recently been hanging out with Isabelle and Chenxi too. June is their birthday month and as a custom, we went to have a meal and catch a movie together. Watched 'The Fault in Our Stars' yesterday and it was a huge disappointment. The introduction was boring (trying to be philosophical but barely passing), the character was not developed well enough. This is just what I feel but I guess that the girl is being nonchalant about (and bored of) her life.

I think we view people with terminating disease as one way: "Oh no I got a terminating disease but I will be strong and inspiring and show them "normal people" that despite my illness, I can do as much, if not more than them" or the other: "Oh no I got a terminating disease and I will give up on myself and slowly count down to the day I die". But the girl is more like: "Oh yeah I got a terminating disease, ... and so?". Her character is more towards the latter while the guy she met (and fall in love with, what else?) is more of the former character.

I hate how the "love at first sight" thing failed miserably. Shailene Woodley and Ansel Elgort has no chemistry between them. Zero. None. So she knocked into him at the bottom of the stairs, their eyes met, they supposedly "fall in love". But this has to be inferred by the audience because one cannot see/feel the love between them. (well, if you take it at face value, which was what Isabelle did at first, you would think that his "illness" is blindness, because the guy knocked into the door after seeing the girl. Inference: he cannot take his eyes off her and was love-struck. P.S. All the teenager has some sort of terminating disease in the show)

I am not being an asshole by putting down their acting skills, but I guess I am an asshole for making throwing-up noises in the cinema while ALL GIRLS in the theatre (minus Isabelle and Chenxi) sigh. I wish they can tell me what is there to sigh about, or were they sighs of disappointment rather than of affection? Because I know that I am with the former. For most of the movies, where the right PAIR of main casts are chosen, you could SEE the love between the couple. The way his eye soften when he looks at her, the way he desires her from his gaze, the way ... Aiya can just tell one la!

But in "the fault", the way he looks at her makes me sick. He looks like some pervert watching her. Here's the distinction: lovers: gaze, perverts/psycho: stare (and then drool, which he did towards the end of the movie I guess, the scene in his car at the gas station). The way he says "I love you" to her makes me sick. The way he memorizes and recite his cheesy confessions make me sick.





I think only REAL man can pull off cheesy confessions, the dark, arrogant, naughty, playboy type who makes girls wet with every word that falls off his lips. Not the kind of guys who behaves with a facade of confidence that does not match the aura he gives off and look sheepish about the things he say. But above all, I LOATHE how obvious it is that it doesn't come from his heart. Squealing girls in the cinema, please enlighten me on what is there to gush about.

SO WHAT if the guy is good-looking, if he doesn't even look at me with love, simple, pure love. (I blame my romanticist heart which has her own set of romantic ideals to fulfil) Speaking of which, I feel like they chose the wrong cast again because I think it makes more sense if the guy look thinner and more frail. (At least appeal to my sympathy if you can't appeal to my heart right?!) I can almost see his double-chin as he lay on his sofa going through his chemo. (or is meaty face a side-effect of chemo...?)

I apologise if I sound like I am mocking the people who are going through these sort of terminating illness (which I absolutely have no well-informed knowledge on and therefore have no rights to mock/judge anything about it). But I think the movie has belittle what these people are REALLY going through. I heard that chemo is actually quite painful...? But the guy just sort of make out with the girl as he go through his chemo. This film just doesn't do enough justice to so many things, it pisses me off. (I have yet to read the book but I'm positive that the movie doesn't do the book justice either)

And I think the movie didn't pay enough attention to the parents. I mean if you're going to touch on it towards the end then at least develop it well at first right? Anyways, one of the lines, "The funeral is not for the dead, it is for the living", said by Grace Hazel reminded me of my blog post! About how living is harder than dying when it comes to death and that issues about death are ultimately issues about living.

After the show, Isabelle asked me what is there to cry about (the whole theatre was filled with sounds of sniffling, yes I've contributed). I guess there is no particular tear-jerking scenes. But I did find a part heart-wrenching, when the blind guy (yes there is indeed a blind guy who is actually not the main guy) said: "But I will say this: When the scientists of the future show up at my house with robot eyes and they tell me to try them on, I will tell the scientists to screw off, because I do not want to see a world without him."





Anyways, there are a lot of wonderful quotes from the movie (actually the book), but when I read those quotes again, I got reminded of how badly portrayed and recited they were in the movie, ruining my mood and I feel un-inspired. Yes the casts were like reciting their scripts rather than living it out which annoys the hell lot out of me. (and I am the type who seldom get irritated) But I do enjoy the wits from the movie (... credits to the book) and that was the only worthwhile parts bits of the show. SIGH.

In conclusion, the movie moves along like "The Perks of being a Wallflower" with equally badly chosen cast-pairings. Although the cast in "Perks" have better acting skills and there is Emma Waston (who saved my eyes). But I feel bored during both movies. I think movie climax should be like Tsunami, while you see it coming and there is anticipation, but when it hits, you will still be shocked and shaken by it. The climax of these two movies (if there is any) felt like man-made waves in Wild Wild Wet.

Anyways, the thing about hanging out with friends from the past (I guess I can call the times in year 1 and 2 "the past"), is that it is addictive to talk about the past. What happened then, and all the unanswered why. Chenxi and I made a "memory board" as Isabelle's birthday gift and while printing photos to pin on the board, there were a few that brought us down to memory lane. I mean, who else remember this blog.

Amongst the three of us, I feel like I changed a lot. I realize that I am an "old-at-heart" (the best antonym I can come up with for young-at-heart). Everyone's first impression of me has always been "crazy", "mad", "funny", "crazy", "sexy", "crazy", "friendly", "loud", "crazy". Yes, mainly crazy. LOL. Till now, I never get why people will think that I am "crazy". I honestly think that everything that I do is very dull and normal and nothing close to YOLO. ... But then again, insane people believe that they are sane too.

But now I realize I'm quite the serious type with all my morals and principals to live up to. Less crazy. More bland. Chenxi said that in year 1 and 2, it was annoying how I don't ever take sides when it comes to conflicts. (Woah I've been advocating peace and harmony since young) Well, I guess sitting on the fence has always been comfortable for me and there is always a few wrongs in our so-called "right". And not forgetting the existence of mitigating circumstances and exceptions. So really, I'm an easy-going and forgiving person and it's hard to dislike me. But that said, it won't be easy to love me.

"The fault, is not in our stars, but in ourselves." - Shakespeare
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Changed my blogskin because I got sick of the old one. This new skin is an edited version of this one. Although I quite like the original skin, I cannot relate to the “dice” theme so I edited the skin based on my own theme: “freedom, fly” and slightly Maleficent-inspired. Starting from the title of the blog, “winged dreams”, it explains how I feel like my dreams are taking flight as graduation gradually approaches. Each night I fantasize about what I see myself doing in the future. (Although I know a more practical thing to do would be to plan my revision schedule though.)

The icon on the tab (it’s the small picture beside the title of the blog), is a pair of black wings. Although it took me half an hour to find the photo and the html to fix it there, I think it’s much prettier than putting the blogger.com site’s icon: . LOL. This kind of little details matters to me, like how I deal with life too. /imagine cliche quotes about "the little things in life" here/

On the left side of the blog however, the title is "Caged In" because, while my fantasizes are running wild at night, the reality is that I'm still stuck in having to do what is expected of me: preparing for A Levels, preparing for A Levels,preparing for A Levels. I gotta credit my wild and vivid imaginations for keeping me sane and alive. How sad that I've to feed myself make-believe(s) and lies to survive.

Underneath the "Caged In", is a quote from Maleficent. Watched the movie with Isabelle and Chenxi on Chenxi's birthday (11.06.14). Personally, I chose this quote: "Wings. I need you to be my wings" to express my desire of having someone to be there for me, and how I feel that I cannot do this on my own. Although I'm not sure who am I calling out to at the moment...

Anyways, speaking of Maleficent, I strongly recommend those who have yet to watch it to go and check it out because I enjoyed it extremely. But I'm convinced that the reason why I had so much fun watching it was because of the company - Chenxi and Isabelle. It amuses me how they can just chat and make (hilarious) comments throughout the movie in the theaters as though it is the protocol in the cinema. LOL. (P.S. I think the next paragraph will only make sense to those who've watched the movie)



Chenxi and I were betting on the crow to be the one giving the "true love kiss" to Aurora but Isabelle was convinced that it will be Maleficent. Funny how Isabelle appears to be disgusted by the entrance of the handsome Prince Philip (played by Brenton Thwaites, totally my type), I think she's disgusted because she doesn't want him to "save the day". And I think the three of us ruin the atmosphere in the theater with our uncontrollable laughter and exclaims of "it's a lesbian show!!" when Aurora was awaken by Maleficent's kiss. LOL.

And once again, Isabelle predicted the ending the nth number of movies we watched together. Totally agree with Chenxi that she should just be a director herself. And no matter what genre of shows she make, I think it will always be "comedy" to us. LOL. Anyways, there are many interesting online reviews about Maleficent which I think people should read after watching the show. I just read one which mentioned that Stefan's theft of Maleficent's wings is an act that can rightfully been compared to a sexual assault. LOL. Disney's implicit sex theme strikes again.

Anyways, back to talking about my new blogskin. The photo of the four birds in flight on the left forms a triangle, signifying the balance that I (aim to) constantly pursue in life. (I feel like I'm playing too much now though...) Under the photo, I have a short introduction about myself. Quite a nonsensical "biography" this time compared to the heavyhearted one I had before. Personally, I think it's quite cute. Hahahah.

And after the introduction, is the usual links to previous posts. (Note that I have added two little cloud icons there.) DETAILS DETAILS. :D Anyways, moving on. On the right side of the blog, every post begins with a picture of a bird flying out of a cage. If you run your cursor over it, it will reveal the blog title of that post (the only interactive feature on my blog currently, LOL).

Initially I wanted to put a picture of a cage and when you hover over the picture, it changes to the picture of the bird flying out of the cage so that it looks like "the bird has gotten it's freedom" (and it's more fun to see LOL) but my html skills are limited and I don't wanna spend the whole day doing this, therefore I will let it be for now.

I wanted to add another small icon for every end of the post but I don't wanna overdo it and spoil the beauty in its simplicity so... there you go! My new blog skin. P: I don't think I will keep this one for long though. It doesn't give me the joy and satisfaction I felt with my previous blogskin.

"I had wings once, and they were strong. They could carry me above the clouds and into the headwinds, and they never faltered. Not even once. But they were stolen from me." - Maleficent

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Day 1
It hasn’t got into my head, that you’re already gone. I don’t quite believe it and I cant convince myself to.

Day 2
I couldn’t concentrate on anything, and waited aimlessly for your call and text, hoping that it has just been another one of our random fights.

Day 3
This uneasy feeling, it consistently pesters me and I fight back my tears.

Day 4
I started to find anything that I can find that’s related to you. I googled your name, I searched for your online networks, I stared at your whatsapp status, waiting for you to be “online”. But you still remained silent.

Day 5
I went a step further and went to your neighbourhood. I sat at the bus stop across your block from the afternoon till evening. I didn’t get to see you.

Day 6
I started to doubt myself and questioned my attractiveness, my value. Why is it that it’s so easy for you to leave me?

Day 7
I couldn’t take it anymore and texted you. You took hours to reply, I knew because I counted the minutes and seconds that passed, but I’m glad you did.

Day 8
Our talk didn’t last even for a day. You are always “busy”. I wonder if it’s your polite way of saying “you’re boring”

Day 9
I tried to keep myself busy too, and started to read novels to stop thinking about you, watch variety shows to have something to laugh about. The happiness is short-lived.

Day 10
I broke down in tears. I don’t know whether it’s because the loss of you finally got to me or because the main character in the novel left the girl, maybe it’s because the story reminded me of you. But no matter the reasons, I’m sure you are part of it.

Day 11
I tried to escape reality again and again. I sleep more often than usual. I stayed away from my phone because every text that doesn’t come from you, makes me so disappointed each time.

Day 12
I started to write a long letter, I wonder if it’ll move you.

Day 13
I threw the letter away, it makes me look weak and desperate.

Day 14
I’m starting to get used to things without you. Hanging out with and talking to my friends helped a lot.

Day 15
A guy friend texted me, after seeing my emotional tweets online. I allowed myself to be charmed by him.

Day 16
After a heated text discussion with him, I went to meet that guy, while I was with him, I forgot about everything else. But after I left, I started feeling cold again. Then I realize I always give my fullest attention to whoever I’m with and I’m always happy around my friends but as I give away my warmth, not all of them give some back in return. But you, you always made sure that I’m never cold. But that’s all in the past, when you left you took everything and made sure that I can never have them back.

Day 17
I doubted that I can ever fall in love again. I cried again that night, it was so painful that I have to continuously gasp for air.

Day 18
I feel like I’m dead but breathing.

Day 19
I deleted your contact. I made a new decision. If some other guy is giving me a chance, why am I denying myself of it?

Day 20
I agree to meet him the next day. But I couldn’t help noticing how his texts doesn’t make my heart skip a beat like yours (even though yours are mostly one worded reply) and how the date the next day doesn’t make me excited. I don’t need you to be replaced. I need to get over you.

Day 21
It was more fun than I expected.

Day 22
I wonder if I’m taking things too fast.

Day 23
It’s true. They say to love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely. He wasn’t even my type. His character is too impatient for my liking.

Day 24
I caught myself thinking about you again and I wondered if you miss me like how I miss you. I wondered whether your “words of love” are actually sweet nothings, meaningless sweet-talking to humor me.

Day 25
Is it just me? I think the girl in the mirror used to be prettier and happier. I wonder if she’s missing something. Her eyes look empty, I wonder if it reflected her soul.

Day 26
I cannot go on like this. You’ll probably be disgusted with me when you know how insecure and desperate I really am. Deep inside, I wish you’ll realize that you should be taking responsibility.

Day 27
Deleting your number had been pointless. I have already memorized it long ago. I even remembered that your phone number’s last four digits are your birth month and year.

Day 28
Stayed out late with my friends but I have to travel home alone. I fear the dark … nearly called you again. Well … I learnt that I can be brave when I have no choice but to be.

Day 29
Are breakup songs always this bittersweet and heart-wrenching?

Day 30
My friends asked if I’m okay. Sure I am, I told them. It’s his loss not mine, I boast with fake confidence and cheerfulness. One of them noticed and texted me that night … I broke down again.

Day 31
But without realizing it, I got used to his absence. I wonder if it’s my own loneliness and insecurities that gets to me

Day 32
“Maybe I really don’t need you after all.” I texted him, praying that he’ll figure that he wants me to need him.

Day 33
My phone reminds silent. No calls, no texts from him.

Day 34
OH. A message! “Are you free this afternoon?” … It’s not from him. I wonder when was it that I start to feel this attachment to my bed.

Day 35
Oh my, the exam period is coming again soon. I better do something and perhaps get my mind off things.

Day 36
Stayed back in school until 6pm plus to study and now I’m too tired to think about anything else.

Day 37
Maybe I should sign up for some CIP.. I’ve always find joy in those sorta things.

Day 38
Studying in school till late again, man I wish someone can send me home.

Day 39
Is it just me or has there been lots of couple around lately?

Day 40
I should cut my hair… significantly, … to signify a new start.

Day 41
Woah my head suddenly feel very light and weightless. But I miss braiding and bun-ning my hair. Damn, not a good time to remember that you prefer girls with long hair

Day 42
Went for window shopping with my girls today, so many things that I wanna get… WOAH I should get that shades for you, it’s totally your style! Wait.. Why am I thinking about you again.

Day 43
Accepted into the CIP that I signed up for! Maybe I can meet a hot and cute guy through this event!

Day 44
Who am I kidding.. I’m never lucky in these kinda stuff. And those who promised that they’ll stay, never did. You have proven that to me.

Day 45
Why do I keep comparing every guy to you and why is it that so many things remind me of you.. or have I always been like this ever since I knew you?

Day 46
Even though I keep thinking about you, I realize that I really don’t know you well enough...

Day 47
I started to find anything that I can find that’s related to you. I googled your name, I searched for your online networks, I stared at your whatsapp status, waiting for you to be “online”.

Day 48
This uneasy feeling, it consistently pesters me and I fight back my tears of frustration and confusion.

Day 49
I couldn’t concentrate on anything, I needed an answer. I waited aimlessly for a miracle, hoping that all this has just been a bad dream.

Day 50
Then it strikes me, that all along, it hasn’t got into my head, that you’re really, truly, gone. All this while, I never quite believed it and I can’t convince myself to. ... I haven’t gotten anywhere since Day 1, is this going to repeat (again)?


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Experienced a new kind of physical pain. Was riding the motorbike to school when we got caught in the rain. At first, the drizzle was cooling and enjoyable but it started to get really heavy. Because of the speed of the bike, and I was wearing a skirt (yes how smart but no choice, is school uniform), the raindrops that hit my legs felt like thousands of needles poking my skin. And it's not a horizontal stab, the raindrops hit me vertically, at all parts of my leg that is exposed, not missing a single area. Meticulous aren't we.
That said, riding a motorbike can be pretty addictive. LOL.



Back to what I was intending to post about. RVMUN, which happened over June 2-4. Preparations started since last year and it has been quite an unexpectedly rewarding journey. But my highlight was on June 4th, the dance and dinner, which I was in charge of organizing. The last time I stood on a stage, was for band (I think I mentioned this in my previous post). It was an entirely different experience to be master of the stage and I'm not that sure whether I wanna do that again. Not that I didn't enjoy myself. I did, immensely. BUT, the stress that I get before the event was enough to last me for the next few years. LOL. But I figured so much about myself and about people in that one night. I owe my thanks to RV and HaCAS for this opportunity and these priceless lessons.
We go to school but the real lessons are free because life is its own teacher.

I learnt that I am bad with deadlines. Especially when there is many uncertainty about the things ahead. Before the actual RVMUN, I was always pushing deadlines with Annie and whenever she or Mr Shane ask me how it's going, I will always tell them "it's fine it's fine it's getting along well" but truth be told half the time I dunno and am unsure of what I'm doing. It's not that I want to lie about my professionalism, I just thought that I shouldn't drag them down into my panic and worry and overthink zone. I always feel like I'm not doing enough and then fret over it and I guess it's better for them if they don't know about it.

That was Pre-Mun and even during MUN itself, I continued keeping the negative thoughts and feelings to myself. LOL. I was so stress about it that I felt like throwing up after lunch and I couldn't eat anything during dinner (in the end, I went home and had instant noodles. I was famished. LOL). I tried to continue to be all joke-ish and smiley cause I didn't want anyone else to be dragged into all this fear and uncertainty with me (I seriously thought that we definitely won't have enough time to set up). I guess it seems like I'm PMS-ing because one moment I will just snap and bark orders, and the next moment I will crack up and make fun of some decorations or people.

It's not healthy keeping things to myself I know and I'm not being bipolar either. When I was being snappy, I was thinking of the event. When I'm being humorous, I was thinking of the people around me. Because I want them to enjoy this experience more than anything else. What's the point of organizing something that brings no joy right? But truth be told, when I was assigning tasks to people, I was afraid that I was being bossy and I was scared that they don't know how to bring out the image I've in my imagination to reality. But knowing myself, I don't have the capability to achieve it myself so I trusted the people around me though it was kept me on the edge of ... Whatever Mount Bukit Timah that I feel like I was dropping off from.


I firmly believed that if you cannot do what you order others to do, then you have no right to lead. Like you cannot be a teacher if you cannot carry out what you preach. I guess that it's with this belief that brings me so much insecurities about myself, not only in RVMUN abut in band as well. While I have a sensitive heart and mind, I have no real talent physically and intellectually. I ask my events team to put up the decorations, but in actual fact I don't really know how. I ask my band juniors to play the drumset but I know that if they ever ask me to demo a part for them............ Yeah. Thus when I ask my junior or my team mates to do something, I have this sense of incompetence because I know that my skills and knowledge is not on par with theirs.

But despite that, I'm really touched by the love I received from all the people around me who still cherish and loves me a lot despite my uselessness. LOL. After stepping down from band, every single one of my juniors in my section wrote me a letter and each bring back fond memories and tears to my eyes. I have juniors telling me that they wanna be like me one day, I have juniors confessing their love for my presence, I have juniors who thank me for things beyond band. And I feel that these are the things that make life worth it. And after RVMUN, I received heartwarming words of thanks and approval from people around me and it has really made everything worth it for me.

I admit that I need constant acknowledgements and approval. And I guess it stems from all the insecurities I feel about myself. I need people to tell me yeap you're doing it right, yes I'm proud of you, wow you're great etc. I can't get approval from myself because I always feel like I'm never doing enough. Perhaps it's due to high expectations I have of myself or maybe it's cause I'm well aware of my incapabilities. So, much as i need compliments and praises, criticism and disapproval crushes me the most. Another of my belief: "words are mightier than sword." Physical pain is not as tortuous as mental pain and because of the latter, many are forced to seek for the former so that they are tortured by something less painful. Which is why they say people who cut themselves or suicide are cowards, because they turn to physical pain to tune out the pain in their head.

But because of my vulnerability with words, right before RVMUN D&D begin, I asked people how was the decorations and when Mr Chia said "Meh. Ok." I was really depressed about it so much so that my eyes became moist. It's something that I keep having to learn, and that is, you can't please the whole world. There are bound to be people who will not be impressed and there will be people who are pleased with what you've done. Despite clearly knowing this, I was tremendously disappointed when many teachers see the place and their faces flashed "Meh." But nonetheless, I think my team has really done a great job and I'm really proud of them and the magical place they've turn my bandroom into.


This event also showed me how indecisive I am. Especially over big decisions. When we went to purchase props and gifts for RVMUN D&D, I was constantly asking my people, so should we get this? Blue or white? How many? Is it enough? Maybe we should get more? Will it be within the budget? So blue or white? I guess it goes back to how I overthink things and how I fear that the things I chose won't give me the best outcome and another choice will come along and give a better result. But while I'm indecisive, I lack trust in people and that has gotta be one of the worst combinations ever.

Just one night and one simple MUN journey and I learn so much more about myself. I feel like I've aged 2 years overnight. LOL. Perhaps they are things that I've always knew but didn't acknowledge nor think about it before but I guess now that I am more aware, I can deal with certain difficulties better? So note to self: 1) don't keep everything to myself (though I'm really used to this); 2) don't take to heart what everyone says and have more confidence in myself; 3) learn to trust the people I work with.

During the three days of MUN, I was telling people about how doing this made me realize that I don't wanna organize big scale events or try to emcee ever again but it was only after everything was over did I realize that man, that was a exhilarating ride. Things that it made me realize about life: 1) nothing EVER goes as planned; 2) the preparations are a chore, the process isn't easy but when you put in effort, you will be rewarded in the end. It's not about the height of the mountain that you overcome, it's about the climb.

This is my second time being an emcee. My first was when I was 14 and I did a gameshow for my batch in the school hall. Now that I think back about it, I realize that I was also sharing the stage then with Amy. Hahaha talk about affinity and fate. But I guess that wasn't a big deal because it's just an internal event and it's just my batchmates. I know the RV culture and am used to it. But this time, emceeing for RVMUN D&D, there are people from other schools and their personalities are very different from us RVians. So I wasn't sure of what to expect, (I guess this explains my insecurities).


I don't have a lot of friends outside RV. I guess you can call me a very exclusive person because I work very hard in maintaining my relationship within my small circle of close friends. Not everyone can come into this circle. Above all else, I detest superficial and fake people and people who have double standards. Five minutes is the max for me when hanging out with this kind of people. But so long as you are genuine and sincere, and be yourself, you can easily enter my circle. You can be mean or bad tempered or stingy, I will forgive you again and again if that's how you're like but I really cannot stand fake personalities. I think it's a vice versa thing, if I expect you to be genuine, I myself will be sincere towards you too.

But RVMUN has shown me another kind of people whom I really don't wanna hang out with. The self-important people. (Nothing turns me off more than cocky and childish guys. Confident guys are charming but not cocky guys) People who put themselves in the centre and expect the world to revolve around them. I think it's important to enjoy yourself but not to the extent that you begin to neglect everything else around you. It's okay to crave for the spotlight but not when you do brainless things to attract attention. And this event seem to be a gathering of such people, with a few exceptions. Maybe your idea and thoughts are really out-of-this-world, maybe your jokes are uniquely hilarious but don't expect everyone to be interested in it or to be impressed by you.

If I ever make it to university, I hope I will be lucky enough to continue meeting awesome people every year, like how I'm blessed with a group of lovely girls in every class I've been in. :') maybe meet Mr Right too hahaha. I hope he drives cause I worry about the adult MRT and bus fares LOL. And please let him be able to cook to make up for my incompetence. :x It's scary thinking about the future and the unknown but DnD night has shown me that the unknown can be fun too. P:

When rehearsing for DnD, I was clinging onto my script and constantly fear that I'll be unable to respond to the crowd but when it was finally time, I realize that at times things to say can just come quite easily to me, even in front of a sea of strangers. I know that it's best to be myself and damn I'm so relieved that I was able to do it onstage. I wish my parents were there to see me, I wish "friend" was there to see me, to see how much I've grown and to be able to be proud of me, to see that despite all my stage-fright I'm able to hold myself well onstage. Even though I'm an extrovert and I seem really outgoing and loud, crowds of strangers really unsettle me. It makes me really self conscious and being a sensitive person, I will suddenly become attune to all kinds of different emotions and auras that I'm not used to. So the last three days in MUN, I don't really enjoy the food thanks to the mob of people around. .... I really need to stop letting people get to me. LOL

Anyways, this has been a super long post about my self-discovery journey. So to conclude, I won't like to hold large scale event in the near future but I do wanna hold parties like this for my friends. And this has become a new dream of mine. If I grow up to be a counsellor (ultimate dream no.1) with my own counselling centre, every Friday night I will hold a themed party for ALL my clients/patients in my counselling centre. (For the depressed to make friends and let them know that they're not alone in the challenges they face. Hahaha) So other than having a counselling room, I must remember to build space to have an events room in my centre. Hahaha. And maybe hold parties there for my friends' birthday and reunion gatherings too! Does it sound achievable? :3


Anyways I really have to thank a special group of people for being there for me during this entire RVMUN DnD journey. Mr Koh, I can't stress enough how bless I am to have you as a supervising teacher, I hope that we can be good friends upon my graduation! You can come for free counselling/talking crap session after I open my counselling centre! Wait I mean free of charge for first year but standard charges in subsequent years. LOL! Annie, I'm so glad you're my boss :') although I know you're annoyed about me missing deadlines etc. you never fail to make me laugh whenever I hang out with you. Hahhahahh. And you're so pleasant to look at. *WINKS* HAHAHAHAHA Amy, it's always a comfort to be around you and you really help to, for the lack of a better phrase, "calm my tits" LOL. If you weren't there on the stage with me that night, I'm pretty sure that I'll hyperventilate and faint from nervousness. LOL. I'm not sure when we'll have such a chance like this again but you really are one of my favourite person in this world and I wouldn't have been able to do it without you.

Kaiwen, thank you for your unique sense of humour which makes the past three days together with Kaipun last awkward and I think partly why he became more comfortable and himself in the events team is thanks to you and Amy hahahaha. I'm never good with socialising with RV guys hahahah. Thank you for being so reliable and always peng wo de chang hahaha.Huimin, I think you received too little credit for everything that you've done. Thank you for helping out in every way that you can and I'm sorry if I din spend much time with you and is constantly running around or deep in thoughts. :( Yiling, for being such a drama-mama and drama-tised the atmosphere in the history room every time you appear. Hahahahaha it would've been boring shit without you man. And your professionalism keeps me in awe of you. Hahahaha and Kaipun, for being the only guy in the team and for being a junior at that. For taking up the little sai kang that I keep throwing to you. I really appreciate it dude. And Mr Mezz, for all your morning talks and entertainingly random "situations", one being your first encounter with the water babies. Quoting mezz: "*see water babies* I like these things! *touch water babies* URGH YUCK" LOL.

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A photo of my granny and I in Malaysia last year June

Nowadays, the more I look at my grandma, the more she looks like a little child to me. /heartaches/
Grandma came over from Malaysia this week because she say she misses us (me and my brother), and that we haven’t go back in the longest time ever so she crossed the sea to Singapore to see us. That's how she ended up in my house for the past three days, cooking lunch and dinner, helping out with the chores. She was also partly the reason (amongst other things) why I don’t feel like going out today (Sorry Wai, I really did wanna celebrate your birthday with you de btw!) because I really want to accompany her. Seeing her around the house, watching her coming over and leaving alone, I just constantly have the strong urge to hug her.

Was helping her with making lunch today and while standing beside her, I couldn’t help but notice that she has shrunk. I don’t remember being able to look over her head in my memory but today when I stood beside her, her brown-dyed hair was way below my chin. She emits the aura of a fragile woman but the way she yields her knife and prepares a meal with such a vigor that leaves me amazed and in wonder of where all that energy comes from. She chops the yam and chicken like no big deal while yours truly only chops vegetables but my arms are already sore. /hangs head in shame/ I find great pleasure in cooking with her though, because the air will constantly be filled with mouth-watering smells and she works quietly, efficiently and effectively.

Whereas if I try to cook with my mum, she will constantly be nagging non-stop about redundant things and she lacks the skills and poise my grandma poses. My grandma is as humble as my mum is stubborn. My grandma will cook with experience, complementing all the different tastes whereas my mum like to explore and come up with queer new dishes which are hard to swallow (and she doesn’t listen to anyone else’s suggestions or feedback). So cooking with my grandma is really a great pleasure as compared to working alongside with my mum. (Sad but true. I’m not an unfilial child okay..) And if I cook with my dad, nothing I do is ever right. Even my efforts are dismissed. Usually I will end up being more upset and it just spoils my appetite.

That said, cooking with my brother is tremendously fun though. On one hand he likes to explore various kinds of cooking styles (Jap, Western, Chinese, Korean etc. The rest of my family usually just cook Chinese-style food), and on the other he does extensive research before trying anything new, making sure that the taste doesn’t clash. I’m such a lucky sister to have him right? Hahaha. And despite my parent’s constant comparison of him to me and praises for him, he remains humble and always jio me to cook with him, like our siblings cooking game or something. I may not have the best family in the world (I seldom complain/talk/share about it online but my friends will know what kind of hell-hole I live in) but once in a while I have my own blissful moments at home.

And today’s bliss is found from my grandma’s presence. We didn’t speak to each other much while we are hanging around together, (I blame generation gap and partial language barrier) but I can feel her contentment when I’m beside her. After our meal, I sat down to do my work (or at least, attempt to. I couldn’t really concentrate these days somehow), and she sat in the living room and started to fold the clothes that were lying around. With the rain falling lightly outside, she dozed off after a while with a shirt half-folded in her hands, and this thought suddenly popped into my mind, “Even though we don’t really chat with her, I guess she’d rather be here than go back to an empty house.” /heartaches/ I guess I can sense her loneliness. There are days where I just wanna be together with my family members (even though most of our time together is just shitty because of family conflicts).

Young Teh who was brought up by granny

I don’t remember where I read this from but there’s this concept that I’ve heard before, that “life is a cycle”. When you’ve reach a certain age, you become young again. Not the spirited youth that you once were, but the dependent and vulnerable baby you have been at first. Damn I’m too lazy to attempt to explain it with my limited vocabulary and expression, so I will do the thing that I hate people doing to me: Leaving one hanging. Sorry. Anyways, I took a nap around 4pm plus and when I woke up, my granny has left. (She went back to my aunt’s house in Bukit Gombak) Sigh. It was still raining but I heard from my brother that she left without an umbrella. I got really pissed off at my brother who didn’t persuade her to stay until it stops raining and furious at myself for taking such a long nap.

I was texting Yiling the other day, and I told her that her personality is like Whisky. An exotic and addictive taste but sometimes overwhelming, and if consumed excessively, it leaves one with a bad hangover/headache. Some, dare not touch it, and speaks of it as something harmful and dangerous (in recent events, I guess I can refer to that “some” as our principal), while others constantly seeks and “revel” in it. If I were to make a comparison for my grandma and drinks, she will be the (正宗) Chinese Chicken Herbal Soup, rejuvenating the body and soul. With her age and experience in life, like a soup that has been brewed for very long, the taste is thick and slightly bitter but beneath it, is something sweet, healing and calming, like the words she speaks.

A delicious bowl of Chinese Chicken Herbal Soup comes with many (for the lack of a better word,) healthy ingredients, like her wisdom and judgment. I still remember how, a few years back, she warned my mother that I will mature faster than my age (in her words:早熟) and she advised my mother to keep an eye on me before I am led astray or cheated by guys. And it was only after I have gotten into trouble, then my mum regretted not heeding my grandma’s warning, saying that grandma’s “prediction” came true. (I think my grandma is just more observation about certain things and she can tell things from my words and behavior etc.)

And of all the soups that I like to drink, Chinese Chicken Herbal Soup is my favorite (the sweet corn chicken soup (which she made today) and bak kut teh comes in a close second) and the ones that my grandmother cooks are the best, especially the thick and flavorful taste of her herbal soup. I think the difference is not with the recipe but the amount of love and feelings that she put into the dishes that she cook (and I guess experience plays a part too. LOL). And there is not a single person who dislikes her food after trying it. /pride/ Maybe I should ask her to brew it tomorrow. P:

Anyways, speaking of drinks and comparing it to personalities, I would like myself to be “plain water”. Because 1) there are many uses for it, from drinking to washing to playing; 2) it is essential (though often taken for granted) even though there’s nothing special about it; 3) a little change can be made and water can turn into another drink, for example, adding Milo powder turns it into an energizing Milo, adding Honey turns it into honey water that helps soothes the throat etc. This sums up what I wanna be in life, 1) to be useful and make contributions for the people around me; 2) to be needed by others even though I don’t stand out; 3) to be able to fit with anything (be it people or situations in life) and turn into something different and pleasant.

Xoxo,
Xinying, and occasionally, Teh Ah

P.S. Watching this variety show recently and I'm IN LOVE with it because of the doting fathers and ADORABLE little kiddos. ... I'm a sucker for this sort of things. :x


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