// definite maybe

Saturday, January 24, 2015 | 10:26 AM

Shouldn't have went to stalk Liew's blog before writing my own post (which was my priority when I turned on the computer!) because my energy is influenced by what she has written. And there was this post which is locked and I texted the slug/slut for the password but I bet all my assets that the slug/slut is not yet awake. ... I'm quite amused by how both slug/slut justifies why she is still in bed. LOL. Eh slut (I prefer this name), I hope that by the time you read this, I have read that post that you've locked. LOL my tummy is filled with anticipation and has been churning on its own accord (okay actually it was because of the coffee I drank this morning. I can't digest caffeine well but I love caffeine sia SIAN) :(

Reading her posts tempts me to confront a few things which I wanna write about regarding my work-life and relationship issues but I've this freaking hand-written draft in front of me which I have drafted in the office when I went in too early and had time to sit down and think about this book which I was reading on the train (yes despite the lack of breathing space on the train during peak hours, yours truly managed to absorb herself in a few pages on each trips). And I really wanna turn this draft into a proper post so ... hopefully no more digression.

I can't stop looking at my nails as I type though! These pastel colours are just my ABSOLUTE favourite and I had a fun time matching my office outfits to my nail colours that even my colleges were very amused at the kind of pastel coloured clothings and accessories that I have. Hahahhaa. Okay no more digression I promise.

The book is entitled Arab Uprising by Jeremy Bowen and this gives me two themes for today. The first theme is "Revolutions Around the World" and the second is "Religious Fundamentalism". Just listing this because I'm an organized girl like this and to make this easier for le readers to follow. Hahaha. And just so you know, I'm only at the prologue of the book LOLLOLLOL. (I've another two books waiting for me to sink myself into. One is titled Impulse which is psychology-related and the other is titled Tabloid Tokyo) But I read damn slowly so I don't think there will be another book-related post coming up anytime soon.

We've reached the 21st century and each corner of the world has gone through its fair share of revolution, not just politically, but also in other areas such as culture and economy. (Oh by the way, I'm not very intellectual so don't expect some thought-provoking philosophical story here and just enjoy this tiny serving of food for thought hahaha) Ultimately, each revolution is started with the aim of creating a new system to better fit the people living within the borders.

Thus, from this humble blogger's point of view, Singapore was also born from a revolution. We were also once controlled, we had our struggle for independence, and finally a system was created to fit us, unique from that of other countries'. The story of our revolution in comparison to places like Europe and the Middle East is like... I don't even know how to compare sia wtf LOL But one thing's for sure, after weighing the process and outcome, our revolution was much more successful and sustainable. (Is this what they call a sweeping statement in GP lessons? Thank god I'm not graded for this hahaha)

We've been lucky. Our size allow us to easily fit into a "free-size" clothing. (Please give yours truly credit for her attempt at a weak metaphor) Being a small country, things are much easier to manage and to change at one go. For a large country, dissatisfaction arise when some areas are faring much better than the rest or when some people are receiving a larger share of the pie. And it doesn't take brains to guess what masses of unhappiness is gonna do to a country.

We've been lucky. While we are looking for the right clothes to fit us, the rest of the world are tailoring theirs as well. There are countries which are doing much better but the concept of an "ideal" country has not been formatted or decided. We were able to catch up (proportionately) and develop alongside the leading nations at that time. And as I type these ramblings, the people caught up in the ongoing revolutions happening in the Middle East have a lot to catch up on. They have examples of an "ideal life" now and their expectations have increased. Whatever the government is doing, will hardly be enough.

We've been lucky. As we changed our clothing, there was hardly anyone else peeking at us or forcing misguided advice upon us. Foreign intervention was at a minimal level as compared to what Europe and Middle East were facing. We were less constraint by international obligations and interference, which usually does more harm than good (... happens when outsiders give advice. So when I say things like, "Sian what shall I tell my dad to get permission to stay out longer sia" I don't actually pose it as a question because I know my own answer will be better than the suggestions that I'll receive cause I'm the one who knows my own father best and what he needs to hear to be convinced. So whilst I'm thankful for the advice my friends give me, I know that it's still up to me to save my own ass.)

... And one thing that I have had drilled into my brain after two years of JC History lessons, is that ultimately, countries interfere based on their own national interest. Which is why the initials of United States is "us" and the initials of Middle East is "me" rather than "you" or "them". But then again, it's human instinct to protect yourself and your own community first.

The hardest thing about a revolution, is not the revolution itself.
But what comes after it.

From my limited knowledge, the point of revolution is not to pull down "something" (writer's block just attacked yours truly so please forgive for unforgivable bad English) or to step upon "something" to elevate another power but to recreate a new order. And I guess the name of each "revolutions" has already gave us hints of the outcome. Europe's revolution in 1989 was known as "The Fall of Communism", while the Middle East Revolution is nicely summed up from the book title, "The Arab Uprising". So major changes engulfed these nations but... what's next? Is anyone prepared for what should come next? Does anyone even have an idea? (P.S. this is obviously a rhetorical question)

I like that on Singapore's National Day, Singaporeans all around the world wish Singapore a "Happy Birthday". It's like Singapore was BORN on 9 August 1965 and SOMETHING (this writer's block refuse to spare me so I will just abuse the word something. LOL) was created. But for the nations which I previously mentioned, something has collapsed for one, and for the other, something has been built up. But that's not what a revolution is about. One simply does not just throw away their clothes or pile them up to change their image. One must get entirely new clothes and style with hard-earned money to have a complete makeover. Creating your own style is never easy though, likewise for the creation of a system to cater to a particular culture.

That said, I find calling Middle East's revolution as "The Arab Uprising" a bit ironic because after all, the "New Order" that's gaining more and more support (and attention) is led by Religion Fundamentalists. So technically it's not right to call it "uprising" when they are trying to "go back to their roots" (an image of a tree just popped up in my head wtf what is with this mind desperately trying to be creative). In layman's terms, religion fundamentalism is to go back to fundamental beliefs of the religion which is more pure and less influenced by other elements.

But we all know how stupid it is to turn back to what once used to be. And we have all these seemingly-unrelated quotes which were said with a reason (and wit): "Going back to an ex is like rereading a book you've once read. ... You know how it'll end."; "Don't look back. If Cinderella had turned back to pick up her shoes, she would never have met Prince Charming." etc.

Anyways, my blog posts are never set out to be educational (I'm not qualified cause I'm not certified yet t.t I'm still at PSLE qualifications LOL). But I like to link different concepts in life (i.e. revolution vs makeover) and think how complex matters can be described using simpler (or sometimes even abstract) ideas. I've quite enjoyed reflecting about this and I hope le readers enjoyed reading all the way here. P: If le readers is dissatisfied, I've stumbled upon this interesting site for one to read more. :)

Labels: History, Quotes, Religious Fundamentalism, Revolutions

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Wednesday, January 14, 2015 | 12:25 AM

Im actually quite tired but I don’t want to sleep away these feelings I have today. Just came back from a mini dinner celebration in town with my Junior College friends (okay just calling them friends is pretty insincere but sadly (not really) we don’t have a clique name so I will just name them all la). For making me have something to look forward to, thank you Kaiwen, Yiling, Shirley, Waihong, Janice, Zhan.

I have been suffering from mild depression. I am happy to be sad. Before gasping in surprise, let me clarify my definition of depression first. Firstly, I think depression is common. The extreme cases, we know, we fear, we abstain. But people can suffer from mild or moderate depression anytime and anywhere for any reason under the sun. And there is no reason to judge someone for being depressed or be embarrassed that you’re depressed.

People think that behind each case of depression, there is always a very serious issue, a traumatizing event, a scar to be healed. But personally, (the word personally indicates that this theory is based on personal opinion and has not been followed up with research or experimental data) I think depression need not a trigger to take effect. And that’s the scary part about it. That’s how people are caught unaware.

My depression usually comes when I lack the drive. On good days, I jump out of my bed and thank God that I’m alive. On my depressed days, I have no good reason to wake up, having nothing to look forward to, I find no reason to breath and I asked the heavens, why did they continue to let the Earth revolve when all I want to, is to remain stagnant. I would sleep for hours and hate everyone in the world, even though it is against my own principles.

I’m quite a happy person. Truly I am. But the people around me don’t know that they’re the reason why. I’m an over-thinker, especially when I’m alone. Sometimes I come up with interesting analogies, other times, I craft an image of my deathbed. But all the time, I remain quite the happy person, but for absolutely different reasons.

/
I have been suffering from mild depression.
I am happy to be sad. (Oh the irony)
I love the coldness from within when I’m hurting.
The dark makes me scared and I lose my breathing,
But, I continued to walk with a bounce in my step
Because... I’m happy to be scared.
Crying brought me waves of joys, built upon my own tears.
My pain leaves no visible scars because my heart’s protected by my skin.
People would say that I’m crazy, but hey, why would I be?
I am happy to be alive, that I am able to feel all sorts of emotions.
When I am happy, I am happy, that need no explanations.
But when I’m sad, I am also happy, sometimes even feeling my best.
And ... that give me a bit more happy moments than the rest.

Am I worthy to be on ThoughtCatalog yet?! Hahaha. Yes I may have depression but that doesn’t mean that I seek to self-destruct. But my definition of depression is closest to, “I’m addicted to pain, for I am happy when I am sad”. That said, why did my post venture into this direction when I started the post with talking about my early birthday celebration?

Because I felt that with this confession, my friends would then understand how much their presence means to me for with them, I have no time to be sad or to overthink. Their company is something worth waking up for, and with that, I started today undepressed.

P.S. So if I ever told you that I look forward to seeing you or that I look forward to getting your reply, know that I wait with an excited heart that never fails to keep me up at night (or have me constantly checking my inbox), even days before the meeting. Like how a child prepares to meet Santa, I grin to myself at random moments at the thought of you.
P.P.S. Although I cannot relate to the video at some point, I really love how she brings out the emotion here and attacked me straight at my heart (Yes I enjoyed, so you shall too). Oh but this video is really not for the weak-hearted.

Labels: Depression, Friends

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Saturday, January 10, 2015 | 10:56 AM

I’m sorry for the hiatus since my last update. Though it’s pretty unforgivable since I didn’t have a complete post previously and I missed out on a “New Year Resolution” post. Any legit bloggers will give a “Resolution” post and share with le readers a summary of their year that passed and their plans for the year that’s coming. Should I do that? It’s still January, it’s still legit to write a “Resolution” post. Hahaha. (Though I admit it will be kinda half-hearted if I do it now because I haven’t really sat down and think about this, nor do I feel any resolve to improve for the better yet)

January is my favourite month of the year. I enjoy opening up a new organizer, clean and screaming to be used, with the possibilities of new adventures and events. (It’s not so clean now though. Hahah the first thing I did was to write down all my friend’s birthday dates and the public holidays hahahah) I love the idea of how we are now only at page 10 of 365, and that there are 355 days more for me to make a difference, rather than having to struggle to make something out of a 10 days left. (The thought of “there’s still a long way to go, let’s wait and see” convinced me to stay at my job. Hahah more on that later)

... Okay who am I kidding and pretending to be sounding so philosophical? I love January for one ultimate reason... It’s my birthday month! (I think I just sounded really shallow hahahha) I don’t know man, I feel really special in January, like it’s the time of the year for me to be selfish (Yes I’m usually a very selfless person, or I’d like to think I am LOL). And selfish was what I did as I texted a few friends what I’d like for my birthday and how I’d like to receive it. Yes there’s actually someone out there who plan her own birthday presents and “surprises” HAHAHAHA.

I’d like to think that there’s two side to this. I can appear to be really selfish and shameless. But on the other hand, I’m saving my friends the trouble to rack their brains on what to get for me (catch me being selfless again hahah). Especially since we don’t meet up as much now that school’s over, they might not know what I currently need in my life (yes I gave them a reason for the present after asking if they can get it for me LOL). And I give them the greatest joy in the world! The joy of giving! Hahhaha ...But then again... what gives them the obligation to give me the present in the first place...? Okay it’s just me being demanding and selfish. ): (But it is human nature to want to think about oneself in a better light, and that's how we end up giving excuses for our mistakes and flaws)

Maybe I will start my “Resolution” post in February because then I can add “be less selfish/be more selfless” to the list. If I write it now, I will be crushing that resolution like almost immediately (my mum is bringing me to buy a bag later for my birthday. I’m still deciding between H&M and Charles & Keith...) LOL my real reason for not writing my “Resolutions” was because I have no feels for it yet. (Yes this kind of thing calls for feels LOL)

31122014 turning into 01012015 was like another normal Wednesday turned Thursday for me. (Though I believe that had I stayed up and count down, I would have churned out a “Resolution” post) I didn’t plan for it to be any more special than any other day because there wasn’t anything that is significant enough to call it a watershed moment as 2359 turns into 0000. Nothing changed overnight for me that day (Unlike the next day, whereby I did something really different and my life is quite affected by it now. Also unlike 07012015 where I started my temporary job)

I think I started the first day of the year in the right direction though. I woke up early and went to MacRitche Reservoir for a run. MacRitchie Reservoir is a water catchment area in Singapore and is the oldest reservoir we have. The water from this reservoir supplies quite a significant amount of water we use in Singapore (I think, though the main one is still the water we buy from Malaysia. .... I think). Our island is tiny and lack natural resources so le government find alternative ways to source for water and this is one of them. And to fully utilize the limited land space, the reservoir is open to the public to carry out leisure activities such as running, kayaking, fishing etc.

I kind of used that paragraph from a conversation I have with someone (I will elaborate on this later so I will put it as “someone” for now. Pardon yours truly for her rudeness) And seriously the government does so much for us, created and sustained a system that has been comfortable and functionable for our daily lives but many take it for granted and rather complain about what they do not have. (And now I shall somehow digress into politics. I haven’t even started blogging about what’s on my agenda today omg)

At cousin's POP some time back.

Citizenship is a privilege but also a compromise. This land provides you with what you have now but in return there are things that you have to give up. You want to feel safe? Okay, we need a good defense system and a strong military. But these are things that we cannot buy (amused by the sudden thought of the irony of buying loyalty), it has to be built upon slowly together (one single man does not make an army). And the last time I checked, compromise is defined as, “an agreement or a settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions” (i.e. I want this, can you make it happen? Okay I will help you with this, this and this), not “I am a citizen so the government should make everything right for me”. (i.e. I want this, can you make it happen? No? Okay I don’t want to vote for you liao.)

This just struck me but after 12 years of the government’s propaganda, I finally understood the meaning behind the omnipresent message “Play Your Part” during every National Day and Total Defense Day. On the surface, it’s like a message to ask you to DO SOMETHING for the country but between the words, it’s also telling us NOT to do certain things. You need not be a politician, a soldier, a police, an activist, a volunteer, a teacher, you need not contribute to the country in a significant way but at the very least, don’t threaten the balance and peace of the society, don’t create more trouble for the people around you (i.e. don’t steal, don’t vandalize, don’t rape, just don’t be a criminal LOL). So if I have to spell it out, it can be, “Play your part. If you can’t protect those around you, at the very least, give them one less reason for the need to be protected.”

P.S. If le readers don’t get why buying loyalty is ironic, it’s because you are asking for loyalty of someone who has betrayed someone else (be it himself, or another country/organization/institution which he belongs to) in order to be loyal to you.
....Funny how, once you buy something, be it intangible or tangible, its value depreciate the moment it’s paid for. (This line is a food for thought for le readers, it’s not a line that one can just “glance through”. But I shall not elaborate on it because after about ten paragraphs. I have still yet to touch on my agenda for today!)

Posting that photo reminds me of the recent saga between Xiaxue and Gushcloud (Google it if news of that has not reached you) that address the grey areas of the internet. It really makes one wonder whether we are really ready for the internet to integrate into our lives. Anyways, those bloggers have been using those photos to show statistics (compared to theirs, mine is pathetic) for a reason completely different to mine. Hahahha.

This is my recent statistics for the past week, from 03012015 to 10012015. And what’s really different from last year’s statistics is that there are more viewers from other countries! There’s not a lot but it’s still pretty cool to me for the fact that other foreign country is even listed there (though the U.S. one has actually been consistent /sheds tears of gratitude/). I mentioned that I did something out of the norm at the start of this year and this is actually a result of that. Well... I joined Interpal (on a whim). Hahaha

I first knew about Interpal when Brangelina (aka Vtan) was using it during our Junior College days (I make it sound like years ago LOL). And I’m sorry to admit that I was judging her for using it because the conversation with this girl (beyond our shores. ... I refuse to name the country to prevent offending anyone. ... Not sure if that means I’m risking offending everyone LOL actually I forgot the country that the girl was from hahaha) seems to have breadth but lacks depth. So it seemed like a desperate attempt to make friends to me. At this point, I would like to thank the people I met on Interpal who proved how wrong I was.

When I first started Interpal, I was skeptical and wary. I do not want to join to the list of people who have fallen prey to online scams, revealing too much personal information and photos that risk redistribution, and that meant that I had filtered a lot of information (other than my precious blog link) that I shared on Interpal and in conversations at first. And I was plain honest in my need (to protect myself) to do so, when I refuse to reveal my facebook link (which, if one is stalkerish enough, can find the link from this blog LOL), exchange whatsapp number or skype.

The first person who sent me a message, was a guy from Morocco. (I googled to find the place on the planet as I am a failed geography student and I abuse google again for countless times to check the time difference so that I don’t disturb him LOL. 8 hours time difference leh omg) And I would say that it was his sincerity that mostly convinced me that Interpal and the people from there are credible (not some hocus pocus you get from dubious dating sites).

I always thought the definition for hocus pocus is like something related to witchcraft but I realized it can actually be used like this too. Hahaha. The thing about meeting credible penpals is that you don’t only learn more about other countries but your own country as well. Funny right? Hahahha. Like how I was sharing about my trip down to MacRitche Reservoir with one of my penpals, I had a rough idea of MacRitche but to confirm that I was sharing the right information, I did a bit more research so that things tally and ended up learning more about the reservoir myself. LOL.

It’s not just about places. But the people you meet as well. Your horizons expand (virtually) but it’s a double-edged sword of course. Good things will happen but not-so-good ones will too. There are people who can sustain a conversation with breadth and depth, there are those without depth and sadly, some with neither. Much as I love to meet new people and make new friends, no miracles will happen when two are not on the same wavelength or at the same level of giving and taking. I can talk at lengths about myself but I can hardly continue the conversation if I don’t get engaging responses that I can reply to. (Though I’m up for a challenge every now and then hahaha)

That said, I’m grateful to anyone who bothers to send me a message and consider me worthy of your time. But I just started my 6-month-long 8:30am-6pm office job recently and I won’t have the time to surf the net as much now so my replies will be very much delayed (as with my whatsapp replies hahah but I’m looking into upgrading my phone so maybe I will download the Interpal App along with the Whatsapp app but no Instagram for me though, I cannot keep up with the constant (self-imposed) need to update an Insta profile).

Initially, writing about my new job was part of my agenda for this post but this post has gotten so lengthy that I needa stop somewhere. LOL. Personally, the amount that I wrote about my Interpal journey is quite unsatisfactory cause there’s much more for me to talk about but I don’t think anyone manages to read all the way until here anyways. And this makes another unfinished post along with the Malaysia post. This sort of things never fails to pile up man!

Oh and from this year on, starting from this post, I will add "Labels" to my posts. I figured it's an easier way for me to track what I've written before, how I viewed and phrased the same issues differently each time and it acts as a great summary of each post for le readers and myself (like overall, what was the main idea or event that I have written in a particular post, so if I've written about "Relationships" and you wanna skip it, you can see from the "Labels" which are the posts to skip! Though I'm sure "Relationships" is one topic that people tend to be more interested in. Hahaha.)

Labels: Birthday, Citizenship, Interpal, New Year

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