I am forced by the passing of time, the transition of life stages, and the expectations of society to grow up and to behave like a "grown-up" (whatever that would constitute). But here, I would just be a little childish, a little self-centered, a little irresponsible, a little too honest but also a little too pretentious.

24, and still counting.




Kept all my past posts intact because my past was what made me, me. Deleting them doesn't change who I am so I revisit my memories sometimes, to learn and to laugh at my past mistakes.

(Just kidding, I revert some posts to drafts because I'm utterly embarrassed.)


January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
October 2012
November 2012
April 2013
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
October 2013
November 2013
December 2013
January 2014
February 2014
March 2014
April 2014
May 2014
June 2014
July 2014
August 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2014
January 2015
February 2015
March 2015
April 2015
May 2015
June 2015
July 2015
July 2016
October 2016
December 2016
January 2017
March 2017
April 2017
May 2017
June 2017
July 2017
October 2019
December 2019
April 2020
May 2020


Designed by: Ahting

This will be a post of my daily happenings so if le reader is not interested about this kind of things, please don’t force yourself. (: Anyways, we had CCE/Champs lesson today. In RV, this is the lesson where they attempt to teach students values in class. To teach someone how to live a life using classroom context is definitely not effective but well, I applaud the school for trying, but personally I believe that values are learnt through self-realization and not when it is thrown at us. Our natural instinct is to rebel or go against what the authorities say (even if deep deep down we agree with or approve of it.)

I guess I seem like someone who likes CCE lessons because I’m such a morally upright person (or seemingly) and because I get to talk about my opinions on topics which people will seldom bring up. I guess people feels vulnerable about sharing their opinions about such things and find it very personal, but yours truly likes to talk about things like this. Firstly, I will never get proper moral lessons from my parents. Secondly, I like to find out things from different perspective and points of view.

That’s the reason why I really enjoyed the CCE lesson today after hearing Mr Mezz’s relationship advice. I think this is what a teacher should really be doing, instead of actively trying to get students to share and then attempt to correct them. Adults should just be honest man. I mean, come on we are old enough already (I guess), it is about time we get some REAL advice instead of some politically right answer or something teachers are scripted to talk about. Why not script our lives while you’re at it then we can learn the values you want us to have right? TYVM.

So back to what Mr Mezz was saying, he advised us to find someone who we can ALWAYS forgive when we are finding someone to settle down with. In our life, people is bound to disappoint us and we in turn will disappoint other people but there is a limit to how much we can stand someone. “Someone you love will be someone who you can always forgive.” I really love this advice and the way he say it because this has so much meaning and I have never thought of seeing it this way before which is why I was pleasantly stunned and amazed. I truly felt that I’ve learnt something important today, something that I will need when I continue this tough journey of life.

“Love means you never have to say sorry, ” – Love Story, 1970

I was googling the origin of this quote which I have heard long ago and I saw a comment explaining this quote which I really agree to. “When you love someone, and he has done you wrong, you have already forgiven him in your heart before he asks for forgiveness.” I have always felt that way so thank you kind soul for putting what I have been feeling for so long into words. :’) So "Friend" if you are ever reading this, remember when I said "don't apologise"? This is what I meant.
I saw another explanation, which goes: “It's about caring enough about that person to never hurt them... and therefore never have to tell them sorry.” To which I STRONGLY disagree. Love is all about getting hurt. Love grows stronger all the pain one goes through. Even if we care for someone a lot, even more than we care about ourselves, (so selfless yay you) we cannot avoid hurting people. If you are not hurting, I’m sorry you’re not in love.

Isn't it ironic, that we ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us,
love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones that love us." – Jordan Neil

Enough about life, I hate preaching about love because all I have, is a history of failed relationships. LOL. Speaking of enjoyable classes, yesterday’s chemistry tutorial was very memorable. Somehow, our class mistook yesterday as Ah Boon’s birthday so we bought a cake, hoping to celebrate with him and to surprise him but guess what! SURPRISE SURPRISE for us! IT WASN’T HIS BIRTHDAY YTD. LOL. (not gonna reveal the actual day because it is not my “secret” to share)


But I guess he was more surprise than us, for we went out of our way to buy a cake for him and surprise him like that. The best part is probably seeing him so happy until he is unable to stop smiling. Especially more so since we pissed him off and disappointed him so badly last tutorial. If I were inspired again to pursue the teaching career, credits go to him. I guess for my JC life, I wouldn’t want another form teacher other than Mr Mezz (Champs wouldn’t have been so interesting if not for him), and I wouldn’t want another Chemistry teacher other than Ah Boon and I think Ms Chitra is an ideal GP teacher. Thank you fate, you have been kind to me. :’)

Have been meeting up with Malcolm quite often recently too. (We seldom hang de usually) For a RV-nurtured guy, he is quite an exceptional gentleman. What I love most about him, (not in the BGR way, please don’t read too much into it, a girl deserves a guy best friend too) is his outlook and attitude about life. Which is surprisingly in line with the characteristics of the main characters in Shojo Manga (I hope I didn’t get the genre wrong because that would’ve been very embarassing), and that is that no matter what is it that they do (the main characters in the comics I mean,) they will always always give it their best and try their hardest.

In Shojo Manga, it is the typical and cliché story for the ordinary girl to meet an extraordinary guy, the diva kind of guys who have the brains, the looks, is sporty and is .. perfect. In short, the guy every girl wants. Then the girl will do everything she can to get the guy, confess to him, and after getting rejected (they get rejected in EVERY SINGLE story at first, so save your tears for the back of the story when the girl finds out that there are more painful things than getting rejected), work hard to get his attention and his heart. And then the guy will somehow get touched and realize that he had fallen in love with her. Then sweet things happen and blahblahblah.



EVERYONE tells me that Shojo Mangas are bad for me because they portray unrealistic love. There is no way that prince charming will come by like this and there is no way that love stories will unfold like this. BUT after reading so many of the same plot, and romance stories which all have the same concept, I realize that all the main character girls have one thing in common. They are strong, independent, and always try their best and hardest in everything they do. So for those who read manga, your takeaway SHOULD NOT BE “I shall believe in the existence of true love” but it should be “I will work hard if I really want to get what I want”. Cliché but TRUE quote: “when there’s a will, there’s a way.”

And I think Malcolm really demonstrated to me that way of life ideally and I really look up to him for that. /salute/ I always thought that I have already tried very hard in the things that I do but I realize that I set too low standards and goals for myself and I have never pushed myself hard enough (oh mannnn I think this is a trait I got from my mum). I will probably not change overnight but I shall keep this flaw of mine in mind and consciously think about it whenever I do things from now on.

Another thing I love about Malcolm is that despite our difference in schedules, he will try to find time to hang out together with me. (I feel guilty and sad to say that normally I’m the one who will reject meeting him because I always need to be somewhere else, sigh) At first, being the paranoid and over-thinking Teh Ah, I suspected that he have had another motive or that he was bored so he needed company but no, his reason was straightforward and transparent, “that our friendship is important to him”, simple as that. And applause for this guy who knows that a girl wants to feel appreciated. Well, if you happen to read this Malcolm, thank you for all the times you’ve been there for me (no matter how short the time had been because I think every little moment counts dearly). And thank you for all your (unintended) teachings about life which you’ve taught and shown me. :’)



Speaking of guy BFF, another guy who I can be close to without any fear of it turning into a “friends with benefits” (or anything along those lines) is probably Waihong. (Omg I can’t believe I just put WH and FWB in one sentence. LOL) ANYHOW, despite how other people sees it, my first encounter with Waihong was actually in year 4 where both of us happen to be unwell during one PE lesson and we ended up sitting on the stage in the hall. I don’t know how did our conversation started, but in that short 30 plus minutes of our first encounter, we had a heart-to-heart-talk. (HTHT is something that you don’t always do with people you just met in case you don’t realize how cool this actually is)

I remembered him telling me of his dreams, of how he started to like dance, of how he want to keep dancing when he grows up, even if his parents disapprove. I remembered being in awe of him to have something to die for. To have a dream that you can aim towards and work hard for. If there is anything one can learn from Waihong, (other than the way he fights hard for the priority seats on the MRT, BTW this is an inside joke), it is how lives for what he really loves. And another attitude of his which is worthy for one to praise about, is his, “I don’t give a damn about what others say about me” attitude. /thumbs up/

Waihong is also a guy who will never let other people take advantage of him or short change him. If you ever hit him (you have been warned, so please don’t try), or get on his nerves, he will bite you back twice as hard and hit you with twice the force you used on him. On one hand, what he is doing is also a lesson for the rest of us: “let others know that they cannot bully you” and in that way, no one (okay, lesser people) will bully you. There are certain things in life that we shouldn’t take lying down, or accept without fighting back.

Because in this world, the ONLY person who will fight for you to the end, .. is yourself. People come and go, no one will stay by your side for forever, not even your family. If you don’t learn how to stand up for yourself (in the right way please, not the bitchy way tyvm), then prepare to live your life lying down and being stepped upon by others. And this concludes the lessons we can learn from Waihong. (in case you need a reminder, lesson no.1: dreams, no.2: priority seats, no.3: fight back, no.4: don’t let other people bully you, no.5: bribe Waihong with food if you wanna get on his good side)

SO, if Waihong, you end up reading this, which you definitely will one day. (Like how my brother found out that I dedicated a post to him and our father before) Thank you for everything that you have taught me (unintentionally I guess) and continue pursuing your dreams with all your best efforts! You are an inspiration and please continue to be so unique and soooo... Waihong-ish. Remmeber our promise yeah! (Refer to your birthday card if you forgot what I am talking about) If one day you make it big to the international stage, save a seat for me because I will definitely go to support you, and show everyone else how proud I am of you and how lucky I feel, to be able to be your friend! (:

XOXO,
Teh Ah and occassionally, Xinying
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Wasn’t sure what to blog about but got the desperate crave to blog. Was desperate enough to even go and google the January blog challenge to find a topic for this uncreative brain of mine. So I found one that said 26th: ‘Share – A difficult time in your life’. Personally, there are lots of painful moments that I can still vividly remember. But for this post, I will avoid talking about family, studies and relationships issues (because everyone already knows these were/are the obstacles of my life). Anyways, this post is dedicated for the sadists out there.

A difficult time in my life is when I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror. LITERALLY. I guess everyone sees me as the girl who is always checking out the mirror at her own appearance but actually whenever I look into the mirror, I am checking my hair and I seldom look at my own face. So I always have this impression of how my face looks like and for a period of time I honestly thought that I am quite a good-looking girl.

But guess the shock I got when I start to really look and study my own face, when I start seeing myself instead of just giving a glance at my own reaction (if I’m not wrong it is around year 2/fourteen-years-old?). My life till that point has either been in self-deception or self-denial. Before that, whenever I am with people, I have this image of myself that they see when they look at me. Lets just say the image I have of myself is nowhere near the real me.

Why is this a “difficult time”?
Because facing the truth hurts. And believe it or not, it is difficult. Very difficult.

But what took the blunt of the blow at that time was my ego. (Yeah I can’t believe my ego used to be bigger than my current ego. LOL. How is that even possible right?) When I start to really “see” myself, all I can notice are all the flaws that I have – my single eye-lid (I detest this feature the most), my larger-than-it-should-be nose (this come in a close second), my pimple-scars-filled skin and while we’re at it, my broad shoulders and flabby arms.

Before I continue, I would like to first declare that I am not a worshipper of self-pity. I complain that my life sucks, I have no luck, and I wish for improvements but I don’t ever pity myself. (My ego is too big for that anyways LOL) And I have no need to pity myself. (Remember, this kind of things, it’s always about the perception)

Personally, I LOATHE people who always talk/blog/spam the social networking sites about wanting to die/deserving to die. (I'm sorry (not sorry,) I don't feel you) I am not heartless, but it really makes me sick.. Pity, like respect, has to be earned. I honestly think some people don’t even deserve to be pitied. Sigh. And someone who seeks suicide as a way out is not a broken person. I think the saddest people out there, are the ones who are suffering continuously, silently but yet optimistically. The ones who were never given a chance, but will never bend to fate.



Back to my ugly features that I was whining about.. I was a kid who had always been believed that everyone I met, they will always love me from first sight (Such huge ego right?! I know! Sobs). I had such confidence in my looks that I never had much self-doubt/ insecurity and I’m not a very self-conscious kind of girl. By the way, caring about looks does not make one shallow. It is human nature and is a necessity (because firstly, first impression counts and secondly, how you are on the outside reflects what you are on the inside to an extent). So what is a shallow person? One who thinks it is ALL about looks. Meh.

So came the insecurities when I become more self-aware. And I guess it was partly the reason why I USED TO be so high-profile on Facebook. Now looking back, I regretted the time I wasted uploading all the zipai/selfie and the random updates and quotes that people will ‘like’/give a thumbs-up but they don’t really appreciate it nor know how to. (I don’t blame them though, I figured it’s something technology does to us. Everyone is just copying and pasting quotes/sayings/“interesting things” every time everywhere that it’s hard to be cooler than others nowadays)

I didn’t realize that I was seeking assurance and acceptance and approval about my physical appearance and my (self-created) online persona (I labelled it the online persona because due to that personality I portrayed on Facebook, too many people has the wrong impression of me, and not a good one at that). Although I admit that there have been countless fun times during that period, compared to then, my life definitely feels more meaningful now. Not realizing what I was missing out on/truly needing and chasing after the wrong things in life is definitely a period of time which.. Once is enough.

I think “difficult times” can only be labeled as “difficult” if, having gone through it, it has made you grown, made you stronger, and made you change (for the better hopefully). It is not “difficult times” if you cry your heart out about it and the only thing that has change about you is that your eyes have become more red and puffy.

Anyways guess what? Actually, I am sick of what I am blogging about nowadays because I feel that my words are always “politically right answers” but man it’s honestly what I think and feel and I guess it’s uncool to be such a righteous person. I'm not extremely optimistic nor am I a pessimist so it makes me kind of boring. So here's a different point of view from someone who is an "in between". :) But well here goes a (self-disgusted) quote about what I’m feeling right now: Before I sleep, I make a little wish, to never wake up from this dream tonight.


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Check out my sexy waist line. (Okay whatever let me be). Blogging again because I felt like it. And because I just finished two tough papers, (economics and history) I feel like I deserve a rest. Actually i think I always give myself more rest than necessary. Like if I do one hour of work I will give myself two (okay maybe three) hours of rest. Over-rewarding myself because nobody else will pamper me :( this paragraph of words are just rants and don't really have a point. Now for the main course.

Recently been scolded by teachers, not individually but as a group. The first time was during H2 Maths lecture, who scolded us about wanting to be treated as adults but acting like kids. The second time was during H2 Chemistry tutorial (by one of my favourite teacher in the world sobs), also scolding about how as 18 year olds, we act like primary school kids and do not deserve to receive the adult treatment we want and seek.

I agree.

We were overboard and we were not treating our studies as seriously as we should have. We did not respect the teacher standing right before us by giving them our fullest attention as they try their bestest (because they go beyond the word best) efforts to teach us and impart their knowledge to us. We deserve the treatment, the scoldings and we needed the wake up call. (Maybe I should use the word "I" instead of the word "we" because I don't have the rights to speak for the rest).

With the same words, when the tone is different, it changes how the receiver reflects. I personally believe that it doesn't matter who is doing the scolding, so long as the tone is fitting. The result of a more effective scolding will definitely make the receiver reflect on it and remain conscious about the mistake even days after the incident. Whereas an ineffective scolding, will be one that make the receiver feel wronged/insulted/angry or for the lack of a better word, pissed off.

Pissed off was how I felt when my PE teacher asked us to shut up while we waited to take our measurements for height and weight. Before that she scolded us to not use our phone. Cannot use phone, cannot talk, cannot go run a few rounds around the field, cannot use the gym equipment, can only sit there and wait for our turn to take our measurements. In this fast paced 21st century, sitting there, forbidden to do absolutely anything, is a very painful punishment indeed. Double the pain when your friends are just sitting there, and you cannot bitch about whether the teacher's arse is more humongous or her mouth.

I think it's smarter if one manages to insult/scold or get back at someone else without the usage of swear words (no need to degrade oneself or to go down to the loser's level). Which is why I am always in awe of GP (languages) teachers who are able to manipulate languages to their advantage and insult their victim (and for the craftier and more sly and mean ones, the insulted won't even realize that he/she was insulted) /salute/

And for effective scolding by teachers where the students will feel remorse, I think that the teacher should use a tone which make her sound like she was hurt by their actions and inevitably cause the outburst from her. And not a tone whereby she sound like some PMS lady and the noise level got the better of her patience. The takeaway should be: "I am trying my best here to let all of you learn something, but my patience and presence are taken for granted and I feel extremely disrespected and disappointed." And the message shouldn't be: "You guys are so noisy that it pisses me off, I need to talk and you guys should listen me, all of you are too arrogant. Argh."

I'm used to getting scolded. (At home especially) For good reasons and (most of the time), being scolded unreasonably for. No scoldings will ever shock or scare me after the "training" I receive at home. And I think there's nothing much to fear after having been through all those crap. Most of the time, I'll be thinking, "Huh so? What's the worst that can happen? Punishment, shame, scoldings, pain, they are not the things that hurt the most anyways. And at the extreme end, death? Meh." Such reckless attitude/mindset is undesirable of course but really, I'm so used to loud shoutings that it seldom shakes me anymore.

To make the human change, is never anger, but sadness. It's not the heat that pierce us at the core of ourselves, but the coldness the heart feels. A girl grow up not because of hatred, not because of the anger at a guy who mistreats her, but she grow up because of a broken heart, of the pain she went through and the river of tears. A guy grow up not from the number of fights he been through but he grow up as he lay there, after the fight, when the pain starts to get to him and when he slowly let his scars heal. We nurtures and grow, through mistakes pain. (Words from a true sadist, aka yours truly)

I think what's most painful about being scolded, is not the shoutings or screaming. It is not when we get scolded, not when the words are thrown upon us. It is the aftermath of being scolded. When the raised voice hung in the air and when silence took over. What is most painful, is after all the scolding, the silence became unbearably loud. (It's quite paradoxical if you think about this statement, where silence is no longer silent but deafening) In the air, hung the sorrys that you couldn't bear (or fear) to say out loud. In the air, hung the echoes of the words. And in the air, hung a silence so fragile, and dangerous, that it makes it hard to breath.

Maybe it's just me. /cue for badass face/



A piece of advice, never resort to "hot wars". Why hurt your throat and your mood to that extent for something that will be meaningless in the end. (Turning this into a statement rather than a rhetorical question) A Cold War is definitely more stimulating and enriching, where the attacks you carry out, are "more than words". (Technically though, it is "less than words" because the first and last to speak in a Cold War, loses it) To the people who I roll my eyes at whenever you are in my line of vision, I do not hate you and am merely judging you. I feel no resentment whatsoever towards you. If I do, I'll make sure to give you the middle finger sweetest smile and the coldest stare.

Okays .... it's just me.

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I don’t usually blog on weekdays because it takes up too much of my study time but these two days, due to many negative emotions, I can’t really study so I shall now blog to destress. Turned 18 six days back and unlike previous birthdays, I really (scarily,) felt a changed within me. A mixture of excitement, expectations but mostly dread and nervousness and anxiety. (these feelings are still lingering even though my special day is over and) For those of you out there who thinks having many people telling you that you’re finally “of age” is cool, ... No. It’s not cool at all.

For all the things you have pushed away, the people, the issues, you have never dared to face or challenge, you will suddenly feel the rush to confront them. You will find yourself, running out of excuses to say, “no, I will decide later, for I am too young for this.” You will find that people no longer make excuses for you, “well, she’s too young to understand anyways, I’ll forgive her then.” And then come the self-doubt, “what have I achieve so far that I can be proud of?” (if you must know, I blanked out at this question .. Hifive?)

After receiving all the birthday cards and letters, I selected a few to pin up on the wall in my room. And while looking through photographs of my past birthdays celebration (also on the wall), it’s obvious how far my family has drifted apart. On my first birthday, my parents were by my side holding my little baby arms and Baby Teh was just staring at the cake and they were blowing out the candles for me. We were in our Malaysia home (which is now being rented out to someone else) and what I like about the photo, was is that it gives off a cozy feeling.

Not every photo can give off a cozy feeling. A couple may stand very close together and hold each other but sometimes it will still give off an empty feeling and the space between them (might not be observable with the naked eye but it) can be felt. My second birthday photo I have on my wall was from 2003. My two front teeth was missing and I was in the middle of two friends, my brother and my parents. The happiness and bliss coming out from the photo just makes my heart aches more.

The third birthday photo that I’ve put up, was my birthday in Secondary 3 and it is with my percussion family. There was Zile (two years older), Sally and Shiqi (one year older), Fengxian (one year older), and my beloved percussion little chicks: Cassandra, Eugene, Lionel, and Xinrui. I honestly miss the days with them. I love all the percussion family members I’ve been with (total: 33 to date) but these 8 people are the ones I hold most dear amongst all of them. Looking at the then and now, it is not just me, everyone has grown up (and sadly, apart). If I were to name a family I have had in RV, it will be them. I think percussion has been my greatest responsibility in RV and one my biggest regret (because I think I never commit enough). But I guess (or at least I hope they do) know that I will always love them even though I am not always there anymore.
P.S. I forgot to mention Malcolm (who is also a v.v.important friend I met thanks to percussion)

My last birthday photo I have on my wall was the one I took last year with my primary school clique: Charmaine, Alicia, Shini and Jieyin. I think we’re really lucky because not all primary school friends stay close and I guess I am EXCEPTIONALLY lucky for my birthday to be in January before all the tests start flooding us and we can still have the time to meet up and celebrate a happy occasion. How did we maintain our relationship?



Hmm.. I’m not sure either but when we’re in a group together again, it’s like we’ve been the best of friends all along. We don’t really text each other all the time or meet up on a regular basis but it’s like no matter how much we’ve changed individually while we’re apart, when we meet, we’re absolutely comfortable in our own skin. Which is why I really treasure this friendship a lot. Man now that I start talking about them, I start to miss them a lot again.. I guess that’s just the thing about childhood friends.

Memories come in pieces and fragment. We don’t remember the details, we remember the emotions. Sometimes the reasons for the emotions blur, sometimes we forgot the reason why we were laughing till our sides aches, why we were crying our heart out, why we panicked till we cannot sit still. But I realize, we always remember who went through it with us, we remember that what we felt, we remember that we were there. And to sum this all up, here’s a quote: “We remember that we cry, but not the reason why.”

Experiences however though, is not universal so this quote that I can relate to, you might not get it but it doesn’t matter! Speaking of experiences, I guess we always like to talk to people who can relate to what we are talking about and what we’ve been through before. BUT personally, I don’t like people to decide for themselves that they TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD me. I mean, I like friends who I talk to, to go, “IKR?!? I know how you feel man!” but I don’t like people to go on further, “Now I understand why you’re like this.”

Before I continue, here is a short intro: Hi I speak complication.

(Back to what I was saying.) I like to be undefined. In a way it makes me fit any definitions because there is no definite definitions about me. (When confused, refer to previous paragraph about the short intro) I don’t really like it when people call me a nice person because I have my mean side (which I think only “Friend” and my brother had dealt with it before) and it just makes me feel like: “If you call me nice, you don’t fully understand me and since you don’t, why are you acting like you do.” So personally, I think my closest and bestest (so cheesy to use this word, I myself bth) friends are the ones who accept me without the want/need to fully understand me (nor the want/need to know ALL of my secrets). “Boundaries kids,” – Quote Mezz.

Januarys has got to be my favorite month in the year. (Other than the obvious reason of because it is my birthday month,) It’s the month which I get to catch up with many people (I don’t do December despite it being the holidays due to circumstances that I am too tired to explain at the moment). It’s the month signaling a new start, a crossover to a new stage of life, which is why, it is a month filled with hope. It’s a time where I can tell myself, let bygones be bygones, sometimes, some things doesn’t matter. (I don’t do “letting go” in December because I believe that things end at the start of something. Example: I start to realize that I can live without you, therefore let us end. And not: Let us end because it feels like we are at the end).
P.S. I promise that I will improve my English so that I can write more comprehensive posts and bring my ideas/stand across more effectively. But till then, please bear with me. And I shall stop writing here, so till then, Adios




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I never have such perseverance before. Today I ran 9 rounds during PE, 4 rounds with friends and 5 rounds alone. /achievement unlocked/ Personally, I never have had the perseverance to keep on running before so what I did today was really something noteworthy. To those who will say, “why you run sia, so hiong.” Well ... Why not? And to those who will say, “9 rounds nia, sports CCA run 15 rounds also no kick.” Well ... Good for them. Nothing will stop me from feeling accomplished about this. And I realize that other than thinking during my times in the loo, another great time to think and ponder about life, is when you’re running on the track.

I started the run with Miaoye and Amanda beside me, and being me, if there are people around, I just have to talk. So we were talking and I ended up talking about my dreams, which I decided after Champs (I refuse to call it CCE when ultimately it’s just the same thing in the end). I can’t believe I really went to think deeper about the question they raised during Champs. (Which was something about defining success and what our dreams are and goals etc. just to let those of y’all who are lucky enough not to be in RV, knows)

I guess Miaoye and Amanda were the first ones to hear my dreams out loud today. I have two dreams. The first dream, is to study people, I want to know what kind of environment will affect someone, how the upbringing of one will change the course of their lives. And I hope that while I’m accomplishing this dream, it helps me to fulfil my second one. And that is to open a hotel chain and making my mark in every country. The concept of my hotel chain, will be “a home away from home”. I want tourists to “have a home to go to” even while they travel in foreign lands. I hope that by studying human behavior and preference, I will know what kind of lighting make one feel at ease (instead of imagining about haunted hotel stories), what kind of positioning of the furniture feels more comfortable for them and what kind of environment can let them feel most relax and at home. And ... If possible, I want to feel connected to my hotel guests.

I spent two and a half rounds on the track telling them those dreams of mine before continuing my run alone. As I was running, I keep thinking that every steps that I take, relates to life too much. First thing that struck me was that one can never survive alone. We all need someone by our side, either to show tell us that we can do it, or to let us feel that this journey is not that hard, or simply just to keep us company.



The second thing that struck me was that there is too many “bad influences” as compared to good influences. Too many people who will make you slow down or make you stop, to keep you at their pace or their standard as compared to the number of people who will motivate you and push you forward. The third thing that hit me was how tiring this journey was. And personal motivation is so very important. I keep talking to myself, keep thinking about random stuff, and continuously telling myself, “I already ran X number of rounds, what is 1 more to me?”

Even though it’s really tiring at certain points, I think it is around the 7th round when I started to feel good about running and don’t want to stop. A really good and refreshing feeling. So as I was running, I caught up with one of my male classmate as I was going to overtake him, (and a normal gentleman will slow down and just let you cut right?) But no the guy speed up and I guess he overestimated himself because within 100m he had to come to a stop because he is so out of breath. Yours truly caught up with him again and overtook him. But I don’t get what he’s trying to prove because he sprinted and try to overtake me. I let him over take and slowed down because I figured his ego is very important to him. Another lesson I got from running? Life is all about competition, faster, better, stronger, higher. But it’s about the journey too. Because I felt very refreshed after the run but I’m sure he’s shagged from it. (Sorry not sorry)

I just blogged about running. LOL. I’ve no life ... Okay actually I do. I feel pretty good about my days recently. In school, during lessons, I feel that I’m learning new stuff and AM THINKING. After school, I’ve the luxury of time to lepak with my friends (thank you school timetable, you’ve been kind to me to end early enough) and when I reach home I have the heart and mind to settle down to revise and go through what I’ve learnt for that day. These are what I call balanced and fulfilling days: Having time to study, having time to hang with my friends, having time to spend with my family, and having time with myself.

Anyways, I was thinking of class decorations and a name for 6F (because it’s the kind of things to think about that makes me cool). I realize that in all of my years in RV, I got the best “alphabet” when I finally reach JC. I was in 1K and 2K, and there honestly aren’t a lot of cool things that start with ‘k’ and that is fit for a class name. Then there’s J and it ain’t all that cool either, except for the word Joker. Or ‘Just’, I really like the word ‘just’. Then, there’s F. So many of our favorite words starts with F. The first being a four-letter F-word which you say when you get back your exam papers or when you realize that A Levels is 43 weeks away. Another F-word which I really like is ‘Forever’. It’s cheesy but it’s a word full of hope and promises to me. But the F-word that I’m thinking of for 6F, is ‘Finality’.

People that I felt bouts of love and gratefulness for (but which I did not say face to face to them) in these first 10 days of 2014:
Kaiwen, for your constant companionship and infectious laughter and Jiahui, for your constant appreciation of me
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Maybe she was influenced by too many dramas/manga, maybe her head is filled with too many fantasies, maybe she is just selfish and wants to be the main lead. But she likes to see the guy crying over the girl he loves (because he didn’t realize what he had only till it’s too late). She secretly derives pleasure from the bittersweet feeling of seeing the guy in pain over a girl. She is not a sadist, she believes so. But she thinks that it’s too unfair when guys are always portrait to be the strong one when it comes to matters of the heart.

“Sometimes guys are weak too! They just hide it well!” Her male friends inform her. She thinks, well, that’s just because it doesn’t affect them enough. If they can hide the pain, if they can bear the pain… She believes that it is not painful enough. Because when the pain is unbearable, you can’t hold back the tears anymore. When the pain is unbearable, then you have really love. When he sees her with another guy, his legs gave way, and his tears run dry… She would like to see the expression on his face then. She would like to see him at loss.

She is not cold-hearted, she is not cruel, and nor is she a sexist. She just wants to see the existence of love, from a guy. She believes that you have either love all along, or you have never loved at all. How can one ever fall out of love? When you fall, it’s either you fall in(to a hole) or you fall down (onto the floor), falling out… is against the laws of physics. You don’t “stop loving someone”. You mistook another feeling for “love”.

He’s cool and smart, I want to be closer to him. You admire him and you thought it was love. She’s beautiful.. Her smiles lit up the deepest part of my heart, and the way she walks makes me look twice at her. You are attracted to her, and you thought it was love. We want to hang out with a certain someone so much all the time, we want to be there for that someone all the time, that we thought we had “fall in love” with him/her. She doesn’t think that’s right. She doesn’t agree that’s love… Because that would’ve make her a bisexual.


She’s young, there’s still a lot to see, many out there, she has yet to meet. Who knows, maybe he is already reading this. Even though she said, “see the world in pink”, (please refer to this entry’s title), she believes love isn’t (only) pink. It is yellow, of brightness and joy; it is green, of spring, renewal, hope and growth. It is blue, of peace and harmony, but at the same time, cool and full of depress. It is red, of anger and jealousy. It is black, of submission and at the same time protection, all the while mysterious. It is also white, pure and innocent. It is brown, think of the earth, solid and reliable. It is definitely pink, for romance and unconditional love. She is not trying to be cliché, talking about colours. She is trying to say, love doesn’t “just work out” because it encompasses so many things. And she wonders, which, are you ready to share?

Do not ask her to define what love is, her mind is much more of a mess than yours right now. She suppose, that people should just come to terms that certain things in the world cannot be defined. We can agree to a concept, but we can also agree to a concept that contradicts the first. She hears of too many quotes that contradict each other but which still explains life. (She guess she enjoys irony and paradoxical situations and sayings too, on top of watching guys breaking down).

There is a Chinese saying that says women are made of water, and guys are made out of mud. According to Wikipedia (because she is too lazy to check out other sources), mud is a mixture of water and some combination of soil, silt, and clay. Water is what made mud soft, made “mud” gentle. Mud is not mud without water. But she suppose “mud” is too prideful to admit so. Mud thinks water is weaker than he is, because he can be used to build sturdy infrastructure while all water can do is flow. But mud forgot that water is a necessity (one can die within three days without it, according to primary school sciences), and when water come in full force (think Tsunami), water can break down mud.

She would like to see, a guy acknowledging that he needs her more than she needs him. She would like to see, a guy cherishing a girl’s sacrifices and efforts. She would like to see, a guy understanding that while she is fragile, she can be his strength. She would like to witness, something real and not something from the movies, not something scripted “based on a real life story”, not something that’s written in black and white. She would like to witness it with her own eyes, before she gives up on the true love theory.

She doesn’t ask for much, for her heart to be touched. She doesn’t expect much from a world enveloped in their own worries, own troubles. She knows that’s everyone’s different, and that one guy’s personality and behavior doesn’t apply for the rest but she sees too many similarities and patterns that each one of them just keep failing her test.
“She’s just trying to make herself sound nice and above the rest”, she hears you say.
“That’s great,” she thought, “Then prove me wrong in your own way.”

A few years back, she attended her aunt’s wedding. During the reception, she left a message for the newly-weds, she wrote, “Show me what love is. (:” It was her own way of giving them her blessings, but a few years later, she is left disappointed, as she witnessed another mismatch in her family of mismatch. Well, she is attending one of her cousin’s marriage in 19 days. ... She just hopes to see a happy family.
All she can say, is that she doesn't bother about 11:11 anymore
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