I am forced by the passing of time, the transition of life stages, and the expectations of society to grow up and to behave like a "grown-up" (whatever that would constitute). But here, I would just be a little childish, a little self-centered, a little irresponsible, a little too honest but also a little too pretentious.

24, and still counting.




Kept all my past posts intact because my past was what made me, me. Deleting them doesn't change who I am so I revisit my memories sometimes, to learn and to laugh at my past mistakes.

(Just kidding, I revert some posts to drafts because I'm utterly embarrassed.)


January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
October 2012
November 2012
April 2013
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
October 2013
November 2013
December 2013
January 2014
February 2014
March 2014
April 2014
May 2014
June 2014
July 2014
August 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2014
January 2015
February 2015
March 2015
April 2015
May 2015
June 2015
July 2015
July 2016
October 2016
December 2016
January 2017
March 2017
April 2017
May 2017
June 2017
July 2017
October 2019
December 2019
April 2020
May 2020


Designed by: Ahting

Woke up this morning with two envelopes beside my pillow. The first brown one bears the font of a familiar handwriting and of a familiar style. The second, bears the crest of the Central Provident Fund (CPF) and I was like, KNS another government letter. (as I slowly reach 21, there seem to be more and more letters from the government omg) So I pulled up my bolster and closed my eyes to go back to sleep but moments later, I sat up and eagerly opened up the brown envelope.

A familiar photo greeted me. It was one of Chenxi and Isabelle with me taken in 2016 when Chenxi was back in Singapore from the UK. And I already felt my heart aching a little. LOL. Anyways I read her letter and I was really really thankful and emotional. Because these were words that I’ve been wanting to hear for a very long time. Words from someone else acknowledging my pain, my struggles (... sometimes I don’t even acknowledge my own pain and just drown in it LOL) and a reminder of how I have pulled through thus far.

“You’re the first to experience many things first hand, first one to go through so many hardships and downfalls and obstacles.”

It may sound like a very sad story but through those many "firsts" I have had, I am really glad to have the two of them by my side then (and till now). Even though they were unable to provide any practical advice (HAHAHAHHAH), the funny things they said had made things lighter. I knew then and even now, there are certain things that others will never be able to help you with, and you have to work through it yourself. But I was really glad for our friendship that made even my worst misfortune (I love the way y’all summarize it LOL) something laughable and in turn, less miserable and taunting.

It’s not that good to be “the first”. Though I think even now, I have been growing exponentially (not physically la but in general). Actually for my whole life, I have never “felt my age”. I have always felt older somehow (and I guess it shows on my face too ... no wonder I look like a chao auntie wtf). Maybe as a change for my 21st, I should slow down a little. Hmmm

“Just one year ago, you were struggling with the thoughts...”

Just one year ago, that was still a secret. LOL But I guess with my Campus PSY post on Facebook, I plainly announced to everyone how difficult it was and what a weakling I am. But words itself is not that same as the actual experience and I guess I would never have imagined myself to be doing what I am doing today. ... I’m just really glad that I didn’t give up then.

But to be honest I still break down now and then. I’m not sure about my recovery rate, not sure whether because time and tide wait for no man so I’m pushed to continue toddling along (i.e. continue to go through the motion in life because I have to or simply because I can and I want to). Actually just last night I was slipping away into a depressive mode again. I needed someone to hold me, tell me I’m doing fine and that I should be less harsh on myself and my performance, praise me for my efforts and hard work.

But I trusted your crazy outgoing attitude and personality. I hope you will always stay this way in times of turnmoil and confusion and shine.

And I got it this morning while I was reading her letter. Words that I have been wanting and waiting to hear. (So glad I decide to just go to sleep instead of doing stupid things last night LOL who had known that I just had to wait till the next morning) I think between the both of us, we have been giving each other a lot of letters for the past 9 years, a lot of which made me laugh, made me reminiscence, made my heart ache, made me tear, but this one really made me cry. … Who knew in the blink of an eye she suddenly became so mature herself. LOL

While I didn’t get any of the “need someone to hold me” part. At least my heart is comforted and now I am just writing to let it out then I can start work and be productive for the rest of the day (Sorry Zabby, I know we said I should work less hard but this is Singapore, I am Singaporean and this is part of who I am as a person t.t sometimes I don’t want to be like this too LOL but productivity makes me feel good… OUR PROPAGANDA IS REAL LOL)

“I hope you will find a boyfriend that will love you, treat you well and never hurt you. Since you’ve already found a great bunch of friends.”

Getting into a relationship was never my agenda. But these words get to me because I realized, actually at the deepest part within me, I really wanted what she had put out so blatantly in words. Not that I will actively look for it (things sadly don’t work out that way) but I hope that when the right person come at the right time, I will stop telling myself that I don’t deserve it and push the person away and be all pessimistic about it.

At the back of my head, I can hear Liew and Wern wiggling their fingers at me, tutting away and telling me “don’t rely on guys for love”. LOL. So maybe as a change for my 21st, I should learn to love myself. Hmmm. Omg now that I think about it, I’m not entirely sure what does that encompass?! Loving my family and friends and even strangers (like the beneficiaries I meet while volunteering, auntie I talk to while buying food) comes quite naturally but what does it mean to love myself?!

Is it like buying the things I like for myself? Putting myself first in certain things (whatever this means)? If I sound like I am panicking... I kind of am. HAHAHAHAH. I was going to say, but okay la maybe I should put the thoughts about this on hold, and do the other tasks on my agenda first, like the pet project I am working on, preparing for the meeting with a work partner later today and maybe do the readings for a make-up class on Saturday. Then I realize... oh... this is the problem... HAHAHAHHAHA

We will all grow old together, causing trouble in nursing home, racing in our wheelchairs, fighting with our canes for the last egg”

At first when I read this part I thought she copied this line from some quote somewhere. LOL cause “nursing home” is such a foreign term I have never come across and much less talk about it. But now that I typed it out again I see the relevance especially for the “egg” part because my love for eggs has been a constant joke LOL. GG liao I can love eggs but not myself. HAHAHHAHAHHA

But I will end this post with my favourite line from her letter:

I hope we can all grow separately without growing apart.

And to that I would like to say, Chenxi, I hope you too will always feel the love from my heart.

Labels: Birthday, Friends, Life, Memories, Relationships, Updates

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