WE DID IT
Wednesday, October 30, 2013 | 11:57 PM
Yes I lost my virginity (refer to title of this post).
But guise, before your imagination goes wild, let me make myself clear! I lost my A-Levels-Virginity! I have officially concluded my first G.C.E. A Levels Paper: Project Work (more commonly known as the horror/highlight of every JC1 student’s life in Singapore). Before I grant you access to this eggciting journey of mine, just wanna let you guise know that the photos in this post will be in order of dates taken, from the start of the journey, till the end. (And I will not go into detail about each phase of PW (PI, GPP, EoM, WR, OP and I&R) because I am lazy and it will take me forever to write so much.)
Photo: Shirley, Jiawin, Jialing, Amanda, and Sexy Me (from left to right)
In this first photo that we took together, we have our first proper outdoor PW meeting in Shirley’s neighborhood. For this blog post, I have so many people that I want to feature and to thank, stories to joke about and to share. I thought of many ways of writing this blog out:
THE FIRST VERSION, (Sign-posting is an important thing that I learnt in PW)
In a story format. Featuring my Project Work Tutor, otherwise known as Mr Tan Ching (or Mr Inspirational in my school context), as the Emperor. Jialing is the court’s jester, Amanda will probably the royal dancer/singer (think of pretty ladies in royal courts), Shirley will be the princess (I was thinking to put her as the royal cook since she always bring food for us but I know she wants to be princess so…), and I have a hard time deciding whether to put Jiawin as the Imperial Counsellor or the Eunuch (I know he prefer the latter…) And I will crown myself as General Teh! PERIOD.
THE SECOND VERSION, (Because two is better than one)
In a model format. No not supermodel model that you see on the runway although every time when it comes to PW, I do feel like “running away”. (if you did not pick out how I played with words there, then I really need to sharpen my English) But anyways, when I say “model format”, I meant using Emperor Tan’s model kind of model to write out this post.
(P.S. Mr Tan you ever read this, I will change “Emperor Tan” back to Mr Tan if you find it too rude but I thought well, you deserve the title and Emperor is a level higher than “Mr” anyways. ... Omg I am such a 马屁精. BTW, 马屁精 means bootlick-er for the non-Chinese readers.)
Such models include: Bronfenbrenner, 5W1H (a hot favourite amongst students since primary school), Paul’s Wheels of Reasoning, Stakeholders’ Analysis and so many more that it will probably take me a year (well.. probably even more) to finish telling you guise about it. Students who have been taught by Mr Inspirational, will have such models constantly on their minds although personally, I would still prefer those models over at Abercrombie & Fitch.
I am suddenly inspired to create a thinking model called A&F! LOL. #BimboSince1996 Okays something to discuss with my PW mates when we meet up for I&R submission tomorrow. Anyways guise, here is a summary of my PW journey using the stakeholders analysis. LOL
THE THIRD VERSION, (Creativity is also highly appreciated during PW, so I will try to come up with as many versions of telling the PW journey as possible)
Now that I’ve got your attention with my interesting stories of PW, ... I have no idea what to do with this attention that you have given me. HAHHA didn’t expect THAT did you now? :p Anyways, an on-going inside joke that I always have with my PW mates with, is “Humor”. According to Jialing, who quoted it from Mr Inspirational, humor is saying something that nobody expects you to say! It’s going to get confusing here so… Try to stay with me yeah?
At this point in time, you will be expecting me to come up with an interesting way of telling my PW journey. BUT since you are expecting this, I am going for a more conventional route instead and this is probably what you are NOT expecting. But since I’ve said this, you will probably be expecting something what people will normally write like thank you so-and-so, it has been an up and down journey filled with love and hatred blahblahblah.
DON’T YOU FEEL THAT I HAVE JUST LED YOU IN CIRCLES?!
This, is what happens in PW. We go round and round in circles. When you ask for advice, hints and pointers are given but never the direction. They give you the “Go ahead!” then you really go ahead and then they say “Okays.. Maybe that is not the right direction. Do you want to try again?” So we go this way, beat around the bush a bit, oppos wrong direction! And then you go back to square one and start all over. Once in a while, you get lucky and hit the jackpot and figure out what is it that they want. But most of the time, you just stay in that circle.
The PW journey for everyone differs in who they form their circle with and what do they do in the circle. My PW circle is formed with Jiawin, Shirley, Jialing and Amanda. But halfway through our journey, our circle grew bigger. Like how a bubble met another bubble and then join together. The bubble we met is formed by Yiling, Janice, Terence and Pearly. We were two different PW groups, two different circles, two different bubbles, but I’m glad we came together because it made my Oral Presentation journey in PW so much more fun AND bimbotic (somehow). And here is a picture (taken today) as visual aid so that you can visualize what I meant. LOL
Speaking of circles, I would now like to talk about my PW journey using the concept of shapes. Heehee. It began with a star, with each of us in the group standing at each end. We have different Ideas (Proposed Ideas), we have different beliefs, different characters and attitudes and we are different in so many ways. But we are connected as a group. We begin our journey, as stars.
P.S. My PW tutor once told me that shamelessly run in RV blood and I just couldn’t agree more
But along the way, our vision blur, our goals vary, our priorities divided, the star became a cloud-shape, an indefinite shape. Just think of fluffy and easy to dent clouds. Sometimes it rains, (well actually, is mostly) but sometimes it shines. Then we slowly, we try to come together, help each other, push each other.
If I were to give each of us a shape, Shirley will be crown-shape (refer to top part of the post about her wish to be a princess), Jiawin will be a triangle (think of a strong base/foundation and a sharp top, indicating a mind that is very sharp), Amanda will be a rectangle (a common shape that is always there, found in almost everything and always useful. Think of buildings, tables, in almost anything you need in your everyday life, is rectangular) Jialing is a circle no questions ask. And I would like to a heart-shape. ^^
We in our different shapes and sizes went from a star to a cloud but eventually, as time passes, as we braved winds and storms and rainbows, we evolved, from a 5-end-star to a never-ending-circle: The Sun.
THE FOURTH VERSION, (I will give four versions of this PW journey seeing how our project, named “FORE”, has four strategies) I wanted to end it off with a poem but currently my poetic genes are on vacation so... here’s an alternative version of the PW journey alright?
To the Emperor who saw the potential in us, who held such a high expectation in us, who gave us so much push, who tries his best to teach us how to fish rather than how to eat the fish, who at the last minute (before Oral Presentation today) calmed us down and gave us confidence, who has never given up on us (and even thought of PW remedial so that we can be better thinkers even beyond PW), thank you! If I were to give you a colour, I would give you: Black.
Because how would the stars be able to shine, without darkness?
To the (annoying) “driver” of the team (who loves to sing slutty songs), thank you for pushing us all the way, all the time. For giving us help and encouragements whenever we need it and for always saying things like “I’m so grateful you guise are in my team” (guess what, I am too!). Truthfully and honestly speaking, I don’t think our group would have made it this far, or achieve so much without you. :’) If I were to give you a colour, I would give you: red.
To the (generous) “sponsor” of the team, the girl who always makes sure that we will never go hungry and go around biting everybody, thank you for being there for me all the time. Amongst everyone, I can always go to you and talk about more private stuffs, even though sometimes you misunderstood me... :X And thank you for traveling so much for this team who mostly resides in the West! :’) If I were to give you a colour, I would give you: white.
To the “volunteer” of the team, who is always so humble and quiet, and always giving us your support, and keeping our backs covered (also literally because you always walk behind us…) Thank you for giving us your best, for always waiting for those who lacked behind, for watching out for us silently. You’re always so calm and compose and always so sweet-natured. If I were to give you a colour, I would give you: pink.
To the JOY of the team, who never fails to make everything ten times funnier, and whose presence is so comforting (to lean on), thank you for making this journey a million times more enjoyable than it could have been. You are truly lovable I must say. And thank you ESP for making my presentation parts a success today. PW would have been so boring without you! NO MORE HUMOR YOU KNOW?! If I were to give you a colour, I would give you:
And lastly, I want to thank the guy who has been my motivation all this while: Le "Friend".
Thank you for all your love. Not only has it kept me moving, it has kept me alive. :')
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I promise I'll listen if you ask me to
Saturday, October 26, 2013 | 10:26 PM
I blurred the photo because I was making a pedo smile.. Anyways, I am writing this post with a more stable state of mind than I have for the previous post. Firstly, my dad is still a mean jerk (I say of this with such calamity that it even scares me a little) and secondly, I would like to take back certain mean things that I have said about “friend”. Who, for the past two days, had been spending all his spare time with me and waiting around for me.
On Thursday my PW group went to re-film our video that will be used for our oral presentation coming Wednesday. We needed to use a car to film some scenes and he was free so he agreed to lend us his car to use. Arranged with him to meet at 4pm in Jialing’s and Amanda’s neighborhood but due to delays in the afternoon, we reached at around 4:45pm. (We were filming some scenes in town between 1pm to 4pm) He waited at Gek Poh Shopping Centre for 45 minutes for us.
I was (definitely) more able to be myself, more relaxed and happier in his presence than in my dad’s presence while filming (my dad was there when we were filming our first video). We ended at around 6pm then he left. The rest of us went over to Amanda’s house to film some final shots. Her house looks very family-orientated and feels very homely and is just like a mini kindergarten I swear, with all the childhood toys that I used to have but mine is now in Malaysia. Anyways, we wrapped up and finish around 7pm.
On Friday morning, which is yesterday, there was nerve-wrecking family drama starring and started by my dad. But I am now too tired to describe it in detail but anyways, it ended dramatically with me grabbing my bag and running out of the house with my half-eaten breakfast (which I threw away in de end... I cant believe I threw away an egg ARGH) and in tears. And because I needed the emotional support, my “friend” agreed to meet me for lunch.
So he waited till I’m free in the afternoon for lunch and we spent about an hour plus together in JP. He kept wanting to buy something for me but it makes me feel bad if I receive too much from him. But after rejecting him, he made me feel bad for saying no... Sigh. But what made me more worried was not knowing how many teachers saw me with him. I didn't happen to see or avoid any teachers because my eyes and all my other sense are glued onto him... I saw a middle-age female science teacher though but she has never taught me before de. Okays that’s not the main point...
After meeting him, I went back to school around 4pm for more PW. Our group plan to end around 6pm so I asked him whether he mind sending me home. ... And so he waited for another two more hours for me. Well, I just want to say and prove that he isn’t as bad as how I made him sound in my previous post. Sure, there are times when he is unreasonable too (though not as extreme as my dad of course) but at his best, he is generous, his presence comforts me and best of all, he accepts me for me (even my flaws and my horrible attitude problem).
Anyways, it was Mr Chng’s Farewell Ceremony on Tuesday. But it’s not like we won’t see him again in school as he signed a re-contract (is that what it's called?) with RV and will be back next year. Will see him out of school also as 4J’12 made a deal to go visit his house every new year. Mr Chng is the most patience mathematics teacher I’ve ever met. And due to his distinct and unique character, he made lessons very memorable without even trying. Although the memories are a blur now, I still remember laughing throughout his math lesson last year.
Speaking of the times in year 4 really make me miss my girls a lot. The changes from 16 years old to 17 years old are too big. Or rather, I should say that the jump from secondary 4 to JC1 is such a leap in terms of work load and people. Work load wise I’m sure many can understand but why people-wise? It’s still the same RV culture you may say, but I realize that people who study different subjects really have very different characters, beliefs, attitudes and behavior.
My subject combination in secondary 4 was: Chemistry, Physics and Geography on top of the compulsory Higher Chinese, English, Singapore Studies, Economics, E-Math and A-Math. In JC1, my subject combination is: H2 Chemistry, H1 History, H2 Economics and H2 Math (CHEM in short) on top of the compulsory H1 General Paper and H1 Project Work (which I am taking this year and has been my life for the past few weeks). So yes I dropped Physics and Geography to take a subject that I’ve never touched for a long while: History.
P.S. I love studying all the subjects I’m currently taking ... except for Mathematics. LOL.
/deep breath in/ I love learning History. I mean, I always have an interest in History but I only realize now how useful it is to learn History. But today I’m not going to talk about the subject itself but more of what I observed from people who study it. Like how individual-ish and opinionated they are. I don't mean it in the arrogant or "leave me alone" kind of individual btw. And when I first joined the history class, I can’t help but notice that this happen all the time:
Sorry I couldn’t find the picture that totally nails it. I saw it de other time but now I couldn’t find it again so I made a random one for now. At first I thought it was just me, and then I realize it happens to others too. Maybe they are used to it or maybe we hang out in large groups so it can’t be helped that when someone said something and it got overlooked or ignored or people just didn’t hear. But it sometimes make me feel that nobody cared enough... Like, as though, everyone's too busy focusing on something else.
It's not about how often we meet up, it's more about how we spend the time together when we meet up. It's about the quality of the time spent together and not the quantity of the time spent together. ...If you get what I mean.
More often than not, I was talking and then I realize no one was listening so I slowly fade away. Either that or after I talk finish, I wouldn’t get a respond. (Now that I think about it, maybe it’s karma for how I treat a particular girl in class.. Oh wells nvms...) Personally, if two people talk at once I will reply one then ask the other to repeat what he or she is talking about. I always try my best not to ignore what someone said. Because I think there’s nothing sadder than zero acknowledgement for one's presence. Anyways, something else that i always experience and feel in History class:
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capable of love
Wednesday, October 23, 2013 | 10:41 PM
This post will be dedicated to my father. After being inspired by a series of advertisements I watched by Yasmin Ahmad introduced to me by Jiawin. (Thank you Jiawin LOL) Anyways, for those who will probably not know, Yasmin Ahmad is a Malaysian director with advertisements that has won global recognition. Sadly, she passed away in 2009. But I want to thank her for the tears I’ve shed tonight. Yes crying can be healthy sometimes.
Tonight was a night of tears. It began with tears of anger. Just gotten back my report card, I passed it to my dad when I just got home from a day of doing PW. My results are bad. It’s just very bad. I have no other adjectives for it. But when he started scolding me for not trying, saying I should have done this and that, from consulting my tutors to putting in extra hours and trying various study methods, which I have already done, the tears came down for the efforts that he did not see me putting in.
I was angry that he did not understand what I was going through. He asked, “What you want? You tell me what you want so that you can improve.” My anger turned into grief as I think, “Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?” He blamed it all on my usage of phones and computers. He said, “Why don’t you prove to me that I’m wrong then?”
“Don’t use your phone and see whether your results will improve. But even if you do badly, it’s your loss not mine.” If I were the me a year ago, I would’ve burst with anger, thinking, “Fine take my phone lor. Then when I fail, it’s all because last time I can get support from my friends when I am stress but because you take my phone away, now I’m doing badly.” But today, I surprised myself with the thought that I have: “It is a trap.”
It is a trap. If he takes away my phone and I do badly, it just proves to him that I am rebellious. If I do well, it just proves that he is right about the phone being a distraction. But if I continue using the phone and I don’t improve, it also proves that he is right, that the phone is causing me my results. But if I continue using the phone and my results improve, it proves that actually I could do it de, just that I didn’t put in enough effort. And so the tears fall again.
On Saturday morning, I asked my dad whether I could borrow his car. He asked about my project and the time and everything, then he agreed to lend me his car. So I went out in the morning to print my Written Report with my group at Sunshine Plaza in Bugis, and in de afternoon we film some parts of the video on the MRT and at the evening we went to my house to film the last part of the video. .. Under my dad’s supervision. LOL
It was kind of awkward for them to be around my dad so I really applaud them for passing my dad’s judgement and everything. After the filming they hung around my house for a bit and we talked and ate. Then I realized that I have a lot of messages. From my “friend”. Apparently he had no work after all and he had been around my neighbourhood trying to contact me and wanted to see me.
But as I was busy filming and everything, I didn’t see his messages and there weren’t any miss calls because his calls were cut off thanks to my phone’s dying battery. He thought I cut off his calls intentionally and that got him really annoyed. But anyways that’s not the main point. Anyways, because of all the drama and his wasted time spent in my neighbourhood, he was very upset and was very cold.
Then today, my PW group was looking at the finalized video we filmed after all the editing but due to the countless flaws, we decided to remake the video. So I asked my “friend” again whether he can help us. (Cause working with my father can be very pressurizing) He agreed at first then suddenly at night he said that maybe he got work. And then I told him that that’s what happened the last time too.
And so, that was why we quarrelled tonight. I asked him whether he will be like last time, last minute saying he is busy, last minute turning up and then when I cannot be there, take out his frustrations on me. Then he replied, “Nvm. Next time don’t ask me for favour. Feels like shit to help you.” These are most likely words of anger from him but it is depressing how someone you want to rely on, tells you, no I don’t want to help you.
And yes that’s another reason why my tears fell tonight. But... after watching the advertisements by Yasmin Ahmad, and tearing over it of course (I can’t help it, it touched my heart!), I realize that my father is ...Amazing. Such a cheesy word but he is worthy of it I swear. Let me explain myself.
Those who knows me, know how crazy and unreasonable my dad can get. His temper is out of control and he is the strictest parent all my friends have yet come across. So no, I have never been to kbox, I have not stay overnight in a chalet before, the latest time I reach home is 11pm plus and there are many curfews and rules he put on me. So why do I still call him amazing?
Because ... I realize...In my life, my father is the only person I can really truly rely on.
He always make me report what time am I going out, what time will I be home. Sometimes he stalks me to check on whether I am really at the place where I said I am. And if I tell him about my plans at the last minute, he will flare up and sometimes refuse to let me out and make me cancel my plans. But every time if I tell him I need help from him last minute, he will be there for me.
BUT BUT BUT, Which friend will wake up at 2am in the morning just to help you print a report you need to hand in the next day when you are 14? Which friend will, after seeing your GP paper result, immediately call up sources and connections to help you find a tuition teacher, and arrange a session for you that very weekend? Which friend, will get angry when you are sick, because he gets frustrated at how he fail to take good care of you and then worry for you and spend hours brewing some bitter shit that you refuse to drink, but he still make you drink it, knowing that you might get pissed off at him for forcing you to drink it? Which friend will rush over to pick you up when you are studying at the library till it closes because the night is dangerous?
Because ... I realize ... In his life, I am my father's top priority.
Maybe the way he expresses his love is a bit extreme and hard-to-understand at times. Maybe the way he sticks to his views and pride is annoying at times. Maybe when he does things his way, thinking that it will be the best for me, is frustrating at times. But in his life, I have always been his first priority. And it has been this way since I am in kindergarten.
It’s hard to believe it but as a child, I get homesick easily. I cry when I go to kindergarten and I would rather be home with my parents. I cry when my parents come late to fetch me home from the kindergarten. I cry when my parents did not come to see me perform. My mum, always come too late to fetch me home as she works in Bedok but we live in Batok. So my dad will always try to rush over to fetch me.
If he has a meeting with a client, he cancels it. If he hasn’t finished his work, he will put it aside and come fetch me. If he hasn’t eaten for a whole day and finally has time to sit down to grab a bite, he comes to fetch me first so that we can eat together. He is beyond stress with his work. And he takes the stress out on me and my brother. But along some time last year, I realize that, he works hard, so that our family will have money.
Money to buy food most importantly. Food is his top priority. He gets extremely pissed off if me and my brother does not eat on time, whether it’s breakfast, lunch or dinner. On weekends, he will give me and my brother money to go outside and da bao whatever we want for breakfast, fast food, slow food etc. But he himself will eat the biscuits he bought from Giant.
He shouts crazily when we don’t eat dinner on time. When I was about 13 to 15, I really really thought that he has gone mad. But now, I realize that he just doesn’t want us to get gastric like him because he skips lunch and sometimes dinner due to his work. He want us to eat at proper timing so that we don’t fall sick easily, and he always make sure that we got food to eat, even if it mean him eating maggi noodles instead.
There are still many things that he does that I don’t get why. Why would he do things like this or reacts in such an extreme way.. But tonight I found myself thinking: when I grow up, marrying someone like my dad might not be that bad after all. (... I just have to make EXTRA caution that I am nothing like my mum. .. But well, that’s another story for another day)
People like Isabelle, "Friend", Amy, Jialing, Rio, Shirley, Yiling and those who always hear me complaining and crying because of my dad will think... She siao liao… Why she think this way… But… my dad make me realize, that if someone is very important to you, no matter how busy you are, you will always make time for him or her. Even if it meant going out of your way to stalk the person and making sure that she is at where she said she is… just so that you know and can assure yourself that she is safe.
Anyways... I wrote this post in tears.
Because I just found out from my brother that, my father negotiated for a long time with this important client of his to change their meeting time last Saturday.
...Just so that he can be there for me when I film my PW video...
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When they say , it lies in your hands
Tuesday, October 22, 2013 | 6:31 PM
I don’t understand what’s with everyone’s craze to start a blog recently. Perhaps it’s just a RV phenomenon that I’m seeing or maybe cause present bloggers are just getting too inspiring that everyone suddenly starts to keep an online journal now. I mean, many who don’t use to blog are suddenly blogging and I’m getting annoyed by all the similar styles and insincerity of people’s blogging.
I’ve been blogging since primary school. The entries list by the side dates back to December 2008. (Something that I’ve been very proud of although there’s no reason to be proud of something like this) The past had been embarrassing yes but it makes me nostalgic whenever I re-read the past posts. I think that’s the point of keeping a dairy really, whether online or offline. To remember moments in life which you’ve find worth writing down, fussing over, cared enough about.
People used to tell me, you’re gonna look back and think what an idiot you have been when I was younger. Geez. How time flies and now I am the one telling other people that. Telling them that small things that they are crying over now are not worth it, things that I myself have once cried over. If you get bad results, get over it, work harder. No point crying because it is already over (... hey it rhymes LOL) And if the guy leaves you, tell yourself you’ll find someone better.
Of course heart-breaks are never easy. But the other day I realize something. Whether he stays or not is definitely up to you. If he isn’t happy, how far are you willing to go to make him smile again? If he wants to leave you, how much are you willing to do to keep him? If he does not like your personality after a while, are you willing to change for him? If you are just gonna cry about it and wait for that someone to pity you or give in to you .... Good luck to you... He or she is bound to get tired someday.
So people, here’s the truth. Love is an extremely controversial thing and totally up to personal interpretation. Well... Let’s rewind a bit shall we? I've mentioned: "If he isn’t happy, how far are you willing to go to make him smile again?" I think the top reason for break-ups are probably unhappiness and if we were to draw a mind map or give it headings etc., unhappiness would probably consist of insecurities, lack of communication or commitment, and so many things that make people unhappy that I will never have the time to list finish all.
But, if your special someone is unhappy, how far are you willing to go to make him or her smile again? I’m going to be totally honest here. This is how it used to be with him when we were unhappy over different stupid and sometimes ridiculous reasons:
Him: Wad
Me: .. Nth
Him: K
Me: Hmm?
Him: Nvm
Me: Orh
So exciting right?! It’s like walking on thin ice and seeing who’s the first to say, “Forget about it” or “I give up” or “Let’s just stop talking”. But now I realize that actually I am not someone who needs a lot of pride. I think the people around me are more important than this stupid pride of mine. (I can forgo my pride but not my dignity) So de other day when we had a stupid fight again and the conversation started heading to this direction, I was going to walk away again, telling him that I am too busy to fight with him like this when I suddenly stopped in my tracks.
And I realize that I don’t want to go back to that stage again. So I gave in to him first. (By giving in I mean fussing over him actually.) He is not someone that I want to lose again and this time, I let him know that. I told him that, I’m not going to run away and let the bad emotions manifest again. And so I called him and made the cheesiest confession I’ve ever made in my 17 years of living. Okay maybe I’ve made cheesier ones but they’re always in writing form and I’ve never ever let something so mushy come out of my mouth.
But now I'm so glad for all the courage and love that I've mustered up for that confession. After that call, everything suddenly happened so fast, hearing his voice break down, his sniffles of tears in the phone, and then his sudden appearance at my doorsteps with homemade cookies and a gift. I think I got the better end of the deal by giving in to him first. Lucky me. :) But of course, I dont mean to say that we should give in to every jerk out there or go chasing mindlessly after the wrong one, hoping that one day you will change him or touch his heart. Find the one who will return your feelings back to you, if not more.
But ... if he does not what you do, how you look or how you behave and who you hang out with after a while, are you willing to change for him? This is going to be very controversial but hear me out okays? I’ve many friends who told me that you shouldn’t change for someone. On one hand, I totally agree with that. If he does not like me for me, ... then what of me does he like…? But on the other hand, if he does not like that part of me, ... there must be a reason right?
Looking at my parents, I think one shouldn’t be so stubborn in being oneself. Originality and uniqueness is great, I totally applaud it with all my heart. "Being yourself is one of the finest virtue", I stand firmly with this saying too. But if everyone is telling you to change that part of you, or they start treating you in some ways that you don’t really like... The problem might just lie in you if everyone is giving you the same treatment.
My mum has been complaining that no one lets her talk at home. But she doesn’t see that she has been talking nonstop since morning till night. (Why am I not surprised...) De other day she told me that last time my father always shout at her to stop talking, then now it’s me and my brother. When I was younger, I would blame my dad for asking her to shut up.
But now… I can see where he is coming from. Okay I listen to her. I’m totally cool about it. Listening is one of my talents really. I can listen until people start to willing pour out their woes to me. But the saddest part is… She just wants to say what she has to say. She doesn’t even hear what I have to tell her. (so much for communication eh?) Sometimes it makes me wonder whether what I’m saying, whether my being there is even important at all...
I've friends who always come to me about lost friendships. I always ask them, "Why? What happened" Because eventually, someone will realize that the reasons are the same, that the same things keep happening because no one bothered to change. So... here's to getting up on your feet and doing something about your life instead of repeating the same sad stories or being unable to move forward. Actually, I'm slightly annoyed at how optimistic I sound because it doesn't reflect what I really am. Between you and me, I'm truthfully a pessimistic person. Hmm... Enjoying this controversy that is going around this post. Toddles.
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My Definition , Your Interpretation
Friday, October 11, 2013 | 11:45 PM
In my earliest years in RV, hardly anyone knows me I think. Mainly because I am happy in my own bubble, in my own world, and mostly because I was more than contented to spend almost all of my time meeting up with my guy of that time, devoting nearly all of my time after school with him, rather than socializing and knowing more people from school. (Yes I am a clingy person when it comes to relationship.) I give him space but I always make sure that whenever he needs me, I will be there for him. (That part of me, I know I’ve never changed.)
Being the young girl that I was, (I’m still young mind you. Just that I feel really old and worn out) even though I’ve had all the love and attention that I need from a special someone, I feel insecure. As you grow older, you will realize that, the love from the special and important people in your life is actually more than enough. But I was young, and along the way, being “popular” became important to me. To be the girl that everyone has heard of, became necessary. Like how an artist craves for fame. To be that girl whom everyone wants to be friends with, became crucial. Like how a cat aches to be petted.
Then, this girlfriend of mine told me, “Being popular, is not about knowing a lot of people, or being the girl who everyone talks about. Being popular, is, everyone who knows you, likes you. And when they talk about you, all they have, are praises for you and how glad they are to be your friend, in front of, and behind you.” I didn’t realize then, but it really changes many of my perspectives about things and how I behave. Just because of this simple words from someone who had then, meant the world to me as my girl best friend. (:
It’s like if I think about Pui pui, Kelloy and Amy and Glarris and Rio will just immediately pop up in my mind. And random memories and flashbacks will play in my head without my meaning to. And then all the missing and longing and heart aches of good old times starts all over again and I get the urge of wanting to meet up and hang out together again. (My “friend” often complains what a sentimental fool I am but personally, I don’t think it is such a bad thing tyvm) :p
(...Back to the ‘popularity’ thing) Because of that reminder from her, I realize that, opinions from those people who don’t know you as well as your close friends do, does not matter. ... Well not that much anyway. BUT IF, even your close friends have nasty things to say about you behind your back, it is really time for one to reflect. So what if many people knows you when all they do is bad mouth you? Those who don’t know you are just spreading rumors and those who truly know you, do not speak without claims.
I mean in the end, those things that really matter, will come from those who really matter in the end.
The other thing about how the redefined ‘popularity’ definition changed me, was how I look at people. It made me wonder about how, when a girl chases after so-called fame, not say on the media, but in their social environment, do they even know what they are running after? Have it crossed their mind that, with a different interpretation, they are running towards a different goal and going in a different, (and if I daresay so myself,) wrong direction? I mean, the things some people does to get attention, really irks me. And if I’m your friend, I will never, NEVER allow you walk down this path of regret…. Sucks to be you if I am not. (Self-reminder: Check on the ego.)
Personally, I can be quite an attention-seeking whore at times. (Who doesn’t want an extra tad of attention right?) If I have to put it nicely, I blame it on my lack of parental love and attention which cause me to resort to such means to make up for it. But truthfully, I think I am probably just finding excuses for myself for being the way I am. I just hope that while I was being me, my friends are not being disgusted with me. :x I know they judge me, LOL I judge them for being weird too. Hahaha.
Because that’s what friends are for. They know you’re weird, they judge you, they threaten to abandon you, because you’re weird but in the end, they are the ones who never leave you, always staying by your side, even though they know what a loser you are. So yes, after reading this, feel thankful for the ones who know you and never left and text them and express your deepest gratitude for their presence.
Anyways, this week had been great really. (Despite the minor set back on Wednesday morning) Wednesday I went down to LTA at Little India with my PW group to collect some information (that will hopefully help with our PW). The LTA Gallery there is beyond cool. Trust me. It feels more so when you explore the place yourself. Not only does it teaches one more about the transportation system in Singapore, it is fun and interactive (corny but true) and left such a deep impression on me that I daresay it is an example of a successful exhibition that raises awareness about certain things. (No I wasn't given any benefits to advertise them like this. Sigh) But of course, I think the people you are with makes all the difference and I truly madly deeply adore (just a minor exaggeration) my PW mates and enjoy hanging out and working with them. P:
Had a mini birthday celebration yesterday with Alicia for her 17th birthday. We are buddies for 12 years and counting (since kindergarten) Yes that’s how long my friendship has lasted and I’m really proud of it. :P We watched the movie: “About Time”. I swear that it’s like the sweetest movie EVER. (Yes I sound like a bimbo, especially if you hear me say this irl) Highly recommended for EVERYONE and more so for those who needs a bit more sweetness and love and hope and enlightenment and good goose bumps in their lives. Alicia herself thoroughly enjoyed it and thanked me for bringing her and here I want to thank Shirley for recommending it to me. LOL. I think I will want to watch it again with my “friend”. P: Yes it is that good and THAT worth it.
After the movie, she came over to my house (ah the good old times), and we had dinner together. Chef of the day was my dad and my mum later contributed a few dishes herself. (Disclaimer: they did not cook together but merely top up the leftovers that was there). My mum was amazed by how Alicia never seem to change since we knew her and even though she's funnier, cooler, crazier, and everything better now, she still feels like the Alicia that she always have been. She really is one of the few people and rare species who never seem to change. I'm so glad that in this life our paths crossed and I feel so lucky to be able to be her childhood friend. ^^
Anyways, today I had the most hectic time planning a birthday surprise for Huimin with my class girls and the result was so unexpectedly fulfilling (the setting we set up to surprise her was beyond romantic I swear). The whole time it was just drama, drama and... more drama till the end. Hahahhaha. My sides still ache from laughing and I feel like laughing again when I think about it. Hahahha. I swear this collaboration between the 5F girls exceeds any teamwork any PW group has performed. Today is one of the few days I feel so alive. :) Toddles
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Phobophobia , The Phobia for Phobias
Sunday, October 6, 2013 | 10:41 PM
I have, Lygophobia.
My head’s spinning, but I kept walking,
My eyes are looking but I am not seeing,
And my imagination, wild, running.
I know where I am, where I’m heading,
But shadows are around me, dancing.
People say, you are afraid, of the unknown
In the absence of light.
I told them, no. I’m not.
I’m afraid, of being
In the absence of light.
And if you haven’t guesses by now, yours truly is afraid of being in dark places. The phobia for it is called Lygophobia. Today’s post is mostly about phobias that I have because I stumbled upon The Phobia List the other day. Looking at words that little would've knew existed and words that made little sense. And Lygophobia has gotta be the number one on my phobia list.
So when I go haunted house, (I’ve only been to two in my life, and I think two is a nice number and enough for me tyvm) I think I’m more afraid of being in the dark itself than all those scary people/things/images that I see. And in movie theatres, if I don’t stick my eyes onto the screen, I would actually feel faint when I look around in de dark (so Thank God for the light from the screen I guess). Walking home in the dark is the worst - Being giddy is one thing, freaking out is another.
I know that I wouldn’t suddenly be attacked and I’m aware of my surroundings, knowing what is there is there (people, potential rapists, robbers, snatch thieves etc.) and what is not there, wouldn’t be there (supernatural beings in short). But the saddest thing is, I will still be afraid.... Especially when I’m alone. (normally I’d call my “friend” cause his voice gives me strength and warmth) If I’m with people I wouldn’t be freaking out as much but I’d still feel dizzy and uncomfortable. I think the key is to keep the mind occupied about something else.
I have, Deipnophobia.
Should I be talking? What should I say?
During the last meal of the day.
Am I talking too loud?
Or am I speaking to fast?
Is it just me? Or did he just sigh?
Am I a bore? Or is the timing not right?
What was the topic that I’ve prepared,
For this meal of the day?
Surprise surprise! I have a fear for dining/dinner conversations (Deipnophobia). I know I’m seemingly sociable when I go out for meals and stuffs, but guise, things should never be taken as they are on the surface. I really thoroughly truly madly deeply enjoy eating outside with friends, but sometimes, after the meal, I would think about what I say and worry whether I talk/reveal too much, and whether they will judge me because of it. If you don’t get what I mean, just think about the feeling you get after you read an extremely good book or after you watched an awfully good movie. The feeling of the low, after the high.
So sometimes, I worry about the things that I have said/have not said and whether it all concluded in a good way. But the worst is probably the meals I have with my dad. We just have this heavy silence between us, never talking and only focusing on eating our food. The rare times that we would converse, is either my dad lecturing about studies, or him complaining about how hard his childhood was and how we have the better end of it all but do not how to appreciate. HA. If only he can see, what he had done to this family psychologically and emotionally. In conclusion, meals are awkward in our family.
I have, Lyssophobia.
For no reason, he screamed and shout,
For no reason, she pulled her hair out.
For no reason, the stranger walked up to me,
Making a conversation, related to bees.
For no reason, she smiled and cheered,
And the insanity in her eyes, is what I fear.
The fear of dealing with insanity is called Lyssophobia. I realize I need to define what insane is before I deduce that I have this fear. From the dictionary, which we so often refer to, insanity is defined as “relatively permanent disorder of the mind”. Personally, I would say it as when someone don’t know what they are doing and why is it that they do what they did. And usually the things they do, is not what a normal person will do. … Who are we to define what is normal anyways.
Something I posted on Facebook when I didn’t have time to blog last month:
This morning on the bus, i suddenly heard this line: "只剩下六只牙还可以吃什么" and then ... "你等我啦带我走啦"
At first I thought it sounded quite cute. Like an innocent granny with worries, (I think greater than mine?) then after a while it felt kind of sad. Like, her worries are already foreseen, it will come. Just a matter of time. Whereas for mine, there’s actually something that I cans do. I mean you can’t stop old age catching up on you right? But for my worries and stress, if I work harder, things will be different.
The sad story does not end here. After the phone call, he old lady suddenly got up and walked from the front to the back of the double storey bus, asking "no teeth can eat what?" I cant decide whats sadder, people shunning away from her, flabbing her away or ... pretending that she isnt even there. I guess inside them, these people are afraid, thinking that she isnt mentally stable. But the thing is, even if she is mentally disabled, what harm can she bring to you? ... She's just asking what can she eat, not whether she can eat you.
But then agains, i guess if she does come to me, i would also be guilty of the fear. Fear that she may react weirdly if i respond to her, or fear that others might judge me or something in between the two, though more of the latter personally. This made me think about something very ironic. For CIPs, VIAs or any voluntary work, we chose to visit and help those mentally or physically disabled but when it comes to situations in real life, not only are we helpless but we also try to run away.
I guess the saddest part of the whole incident was, it showed me this wall between us and those who we cant understand. And it's all around us. Sometimes we call the wall generation gap (we dont get why our parents is treating us like this, so we build them out) or maybe even intellectual level. This wall, someone forgot to construct the door. So it's hard for either side to go in. .... Or to come out. It's not even about finding the key anymore.
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Before I end, let’s make this quick
This is a fear which may make us click
Does it make you shiver,
At the thought of feeling empty?
Do you shudder and tremble,
At coldness not related to heat?
Do you sometimes feel so small,
Like you don’t matter at all?
So insignificant, so worthless,
It's Nihilophobia,
the fear of nothingness
Maybe one day I will further sharpen my poetic talents but this shall be the last poem of the post. LOL. Cocky Teh is getting cocky. LOL. Forgive me. Anyways, I think this fear, Nihilophobia, is a good fear. If one does not fear nothingness, emptiness, and instead embraces it, that person will become someone who is much less a human. What do I mean?
Have you ever stood in front of a mirror with a candle at a minute before midnight? In your head, you’re thinking of the myth in which they say, “When the clock strikes twelve, and in front of the mirror with a candle, repeat ‘Bloody Mary’ three times, and She will appear before you and…”(Sorry guise, I forgot the rest of it and it is something I would rather NOT further research about at this time of the day). When I feel nothingness, these are the things that I might do. Because there is nothing to fear, when you are already empty.
Have you ever stood on the 9th storey, looking at the sun setting in front of you? You have more than 10 missed calls on your phone, at least 10 messages asking if you’re alright. And in your head, you’re just thinking, what if I jump down like, from here? Would the pain come before it’s over, or is it over when the pain comes? When you feel empty, the worst kind of “courage” would emerge, and pain does not even matter anymore. And because I felt so empty, all I could think was, “What’s the worst that could happen anyway? Does it even matter?”
But the FEAR of nothingness, the fear of being empty, will be what make you step back and think, geez what the hell was I thinking?! If you’re afraid of feeling empty, you would never have embraced the feeling of it like I did. Nor experienced those crazy bouts of “courage” (that would’ve made me do things with dire consequences) like I did. These nothingness come, when you’re SO hurt, it doesn’t hurt anymore in the end so you’d just feel .. empty.
Which is why I said, Nihilophobia is a good fear to have. Don’t embrace nothingness like I do, because you’ll eventually get addicted to emotional pain and that’s not very healthy is it now? So... I know that that was a very sad post you've just read but it's okays. (Yes I am insane to call it okay.) I am alright as I always have been yeah? P: Still as strong and fit, 2.4 still below 15 minutes ... Yes I know that that's not the point (nor is the timing very good) but if i can crack a joke, it really means I'm fine yeah? P: And ... Thanks for reading till the end. XOXO
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