Winter in this unforgiving heat ,
Saturday, April 26, 2014 | 4:25 PM
This year's school sports day, Le Chinese School has decided to let the seniors to go on a hike from chua chu kang to bukit timah. It was a bit more exhausting and hot and humid than I have expected it to be but it was truly madly deeply great fun. Thank you RV, you have outdone yourself this year :) in the middle of a mugging year, I guess we do need walks like this once in a while to bond with our friends, and to keep fit.
This walk made me discover three types of people. Life doesn't always go your way, and when thrown with tasks one detest from the bottom of their heart, the first type goes through with it grumpily and try to do the minimum that is expected of them. For example, for a woman who doesn't like sewing, but her child asked her to help sew a fallen button, type number one will sew it while complaining but finishes the task.
Type number two woman, will just throw away the clothes, and get for her child a new one so that she doesn't have to sew the button. These types of people will avoid doing what they don't like to do even though the task is already given to them and try all kinds of way to wriggle their way out of it (and in reference to this hike, pon/skip the hike altogether and doesn't turn up)
Whereas the last type of people, are the ones who are truly the admiring ones. The ones who embraces their personal challenges and dislikes, who try to make the best out of everything. Type number three woman, will not only sew that button of her child's clothes, but will also look for her husband's clothes who need sewing after she finishes her task. Once given the task, these kind of people will not only do what they need to but will also go beyond the task and improve themselves along the way. Sure they'll complain about how much they dislike the task but they will still give it their all.
There are many things that we don't like to do, many situations where we try to avoid bth life has it made that we cannot run away forever. And rather than waste your time trying to find lies and excuses or some way to avoid these things, (.... This is turning into some stupid lecture post and I really hate that. ... ) But anyways, those motivators who stand on the stage telling people, to make situations like these into a learning opportunity, are seriously trying to make a point when they say it.
Was listening to the radio the other day, (now I listen to Kis92 in the morning rather than 987fm cause I prefer the Kis92 DJs of the morning shift. But in the evening, I will listen to 987fm for the muttons) but anyways, one of the DJs asked, "what are the words we use the most on each other nowadays?" I immediately thought of "I'm so tired" as a reply but what they said was more true: "I'm busy"
Some other comments from the DJs about this:
Well it just tells the other persons that "I'm not here", like your mind is on other things, you need to go to somewhere else. You're not in the here and now and is thinking about "what's next?"
And your life revolves around the "to-do-list" and you're overwhelmed by many things.
Yeah our society equate "being successful" with "being busy". If you idle and has "nothing to do", it become to mean that you're not important enough to have anything to do. To the society, a successful man is a busy man. And we all want to be successful don't we?
I do feel like I've a lot to do on my hands and the work load doesn't seem to be decreasing as time passes and is piling up. So I am one of those "busy people". But I guess we are "idle people" once in a while. Yesterday after the hike in the great outdoors with my class, I have band in the afternoon. I was feeling extremely sticky and smelly and uncomfortable so I made an impromptu plan to go to Alicia's house (who lives very close to where our trail ended) to take a shower.
Luckily, she is having school break now (poly and JC has different holidays and term breaks), so she ask me to just come over. The last time I've been to her house was more than three years ago (even though she comes to my house at least once every six months) so I'm very surprise that I still feel at home in her neighbourhood and my legs just naturally brought me to her doorsteps as thought the last time I've been there was just yesterday. And I'm really glad that we're so comfortable with each other (that I can just air my bra on her balcony) and whilst I hang around, she just continue doing her own stuff (which at that time, was watching discovery channel LOL) as though it's only natural that I'm there and that me taking a shower at her house is like a normal everyday thing.
Which also makes me feel bad cause she's been asking me to hang out together over the weekends recently but I always couldn't make it because I'm one of those "busy people". And when I needed her, there she is! And hanging with her (even though it's a short half an hour) really helped me to recharge my energy and freshen me up. If I haven't already expressed it, I'm truly madly deeply grateful for friends like her.
I've been craving for alcohol a lot recently. I'm addicted to the warm feeling alcohol gives. Alcohol takes away my emptiness and the coldness I feel (not from the weather apparently). It replaces the warm hugs I used to receive. Alcohol helps me to destress - something that his presence use to help me with. And like every other broken girl, I try to recover this unbearable pain with a self-prescribe cure that will probably do more harm than good.
To be honest (to myself), replace the word "alcohol" with "his presence" for what I truly desire.
I've stopped asking myself "will I ever recover?", instead I ask, "How long more?"
P.S. Please don't ask me not to drink. I know it's harmful, and don't worry, I don't binge drink to the extent that I damage my own body. I don't do it for the attention, nor to get high. I don't want words of comfort it makes me awkward but I will seek help when I'm ready .... and it's probably soon.
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Guilty as charged ,
Sunday, April 20, 2014 | 10:45 PM
This is how tired I look recently and I think I am doing a worse and worse job keeping in my tiredness and unhappiness. More than anything, I’m most stress about band and HaCAS right now. Band performance is in two weeks and I have yet to memorize what I need to memorize. I haven’t been going to enough practices and the guilt is killing me. Honestly speaking I cant face my sections properly because I feel like I’ve let them down the most. I didn’t want to take part in the performance at first but my two favorite juniors (I love all of them but I gotta confess to my ultimate biasness for these two) have asked me to perform because this will truly be our last performance together.
I tear in almost every band practices. The memories, the stress, it gets to me.
My eyes get teary when the music gets so good I get goose bumps (lucky for me I am pitch deaf so it sound good to me when I can feel the emotions from the music). My eyes get teary when we played familiar songs that we’ve played before and I remembered my seniors playing the same songs with me, like Disney Classics during Istana Performance two years ago with Zile’s and Sally’s batch, like AKB which reminded me of the UCC stage I was on with Yuhua Bandsmen, Sally and Fengxian. Man.. I miss my “comfort people”.
But my heart aches the most when, in the middle of the song, when I turned to my fellow section mates, I see their head nodding to the same beat that I’m moving to, I see their smile when our eyes meet, I feel their enjoyment in playing the song, and I know it’s a feeling of belonging and bliss that I am going to miss. More than anything, I am going to miss their smiles, and stifled laughter which burst at the most inappropriate times (especially when Ms Chan is lecturing).
The most important lesson band has taught me, you can never really run away from anything.
Went for this (compulsory, thank you RV) Chinese talk the other day, and one of the speaker said something which I really agree to. “My time in Junior College has showed me that in this world, there really exist the “naturally perfect people” – those with the looks, the body, the brains, the personality (yes even this), the financial backing, the perfect family, the ideal boyfriend/girlfriend (since forever and always together) and the circle of friends you always want to join but could never really belong to. And try as you might, you will always find yourself lacking in comparison with these “perfect people”, sure they have issues but certainly problems of a far smaller degree. The reality is that you can never compete with these people.”
I’m pretty sure all of us have a certain someone who comes into our mind while reading that right? Nope not for me, I have a GROUP of people in mind when I hear what she said. People whom I know from my JC, people whom I’ve heard about from other JCs – those girls with “everything”. Sure it makes me green with envy (geez, using this phrase grossed me out), and sure it makes me close to punching the air and screaming “THE WORLD IS SO UNFAIR!” but personally, I don’t think I deserve it all.
I don’t deserve to be rich because I waste food (at home but not in school cause I am like forever hungry in school) and because I am not hardworking enough. I always feel like I ought to try taking a part time job when I’m free but I have never got round to it. So I have yet to taste the hardship of earning money (the marathon CIPs doesn’t count because I was having fun and it was mostly for CIP). Lastly I don’t deserve to be rich because I lied to my parents to get more pocket money before (more guilt there).
I don’t deserve to be good-looking because I judge people’s fashion sense and appearance. And I’m sure if I look good I will be one hell of a cocky person because I can be quite egoist, I might just end up staring into my reflection all day. LOL. So all I ask for is a face which people find warm and friendly and approachable and feminine (and if I dare ask for more from the God of Looks, let me be mesmerizing and charming please).
So if anyone needs a reminder, it’s really alright to be imperfect when everyone else around you seem to be perfect. And you’ll feel mean and jealous about these people, you’ll try to dig for their flaws and try to prove that they’re imperfect too, (you think that you’re trying to prove to others but really, you’re just trying to prove to yourself that they’re not all that flawless afterall). Welcome to my world. And if you’re like me, you’d probably feel that you’re a devil and be all weighed down by guilt towards all these meaningless jealousy, which you’re still trying very hard to grow up and out of.
To myself, I will probably say, well it’s okays, growing up take time and it’s good that I have come to identify and accept these childish emotions. But to you, I will say, “hurry up and be more mature please. /rolls eyes/”. Because it’s easier to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. If I procrastinate, I will give myself excuses, “it’s okays, I’m tired”, “it’s fine, it’s not that important anyways”. But if my friends procrastinate, I’ll be like, “aiya study la, later you regret how” or “huh what can you be so busy with that you forgot to finish your assigned part sia.” .. I truly madly deeply try very hard to purify my thoughts these days.
And you deserve to be happy, but please, not in front of me.
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Sweet , expired candies ,
Tuesday, April 1, 2014 | 7:11 PM
Finally got round to doing this 60 questions personality test and so... This is me: ENFJ (P.S. Google is at your disposal when le reader come across unfamiliar words)
ENFJ Personality
Representing approximately 2 percent of all people, the ENFJ personality type tends to be very influential, often without making any conscious effort to increase their influence. As part of the Diplomats (NF) group, ENFJs are genuinely interested in other people and radiate authenticity, concern, and altruism. Not surprisingly, those who surround ENFJs usually find them very inspiring and likeable.
ENFJs are usually very charismatic and eloquent and find it natural and easy to communicate their ideas and opinions, especially in person. It does not really matter whether they are presenting cold facts or expressing raging emotions; the ENFJ will not be afraid to stand up and speak, regardless of the audience.
This is one of the reasons why ENFJs can be so convincing and mesmerizing when they speak: they instinctively know how to combine passion and rational arguments, drawing the audience’s attention and reaching every mind. People with this personality type can be great leaders, and they do not necessarily have to get into politics to make a difference. An ENFJ teacher or coach can have a strong positive effect on many people’s lives as well.
ENFJ personalities are very intuitive. They find it easy to sense other people’s motives and find connections between seemingly unrelated events. ENFJs also tend to be quite good at analyzing their own feelings and questioning them if necessary.
On the other hand, such intuitiveness and sensitivity can also cause significant difficulties for people with this personality type. They may be too altruistic and empathic, getting too involved in other people’s problems. They may then find it difficult to detach and stop worrying. In extreme cases, this can even affect the ENFJs’ perception of themselves.
ENFJs are optimistic idealists, often trusting other people more than they should—although this usually turns out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. As already mentioned above, ENFJs can be very convincing and inspiring. People are drawn toward strong personalities, and the ENFJ’s charisma can often be a uniting and motivating factor.
ENFJ Strengths Very charismatic.
ENFJ personalities are charming and popular. They instinctively know how to attract and keep people’s attention, as well as communicate with them effectively.
Altruistic.
ENFJs are warm and selfless, always willing to help other people. They are idealists, motivated by the idea of doing something good for the world.
Skilled imitators.
ENFJs find it very easy to notice what drives, motivates, and worries other people, and they are instinctively able to adjust their own manners and arguments accordingly.
Natural leaders.
ENFJ personalities do not seek to dominate or direct, but people are attracted to their charisma and eloquence. Not surprisingly, ENFJs usually end up being very popular and rarely have any difficulties getting to leadership positions.
Tolerant.
People with this personality type tend to be open-minded and accepting, willing to consider competing ideas as long as they do not contradict their inner principles. ENFJs can easily get along with most other types.
Reliable.
ENFJs work hard for causes they consider important. If their role excites and motivates them, an ENFJ can be very patient and reliable.
ENFJ Weaknesses
Sometimes too selfless.
ENFJs may often take on too much work or get deeply involved in other people’s problems, trying too hard to not offend or disappoint anybody.
Very idealistic.
People with this personality type can often be too idealistic or even naïve, believing that everyone is good-natured and cares about principles that are important to the ENFJ.
Often too sensitive.
Deep down, ENFJs are sensitive and emotional individuals who can get hurt and disappointed very easily. They may also worry too much about other people’s feelings and well-being.
Vulnerable to criticism.
ENFJ personalities have a strong inner core of principles and values, and they can get very hurt if someone criticizes them. ENFJs may also have difficulties reacting calmly to general criticism and negativity.
May find it difficult to make tough decisions.
Due to their altruism and sensitivity, ENFJs are likely to struggle with decisions involving hard choices. They may waver between different options, unable to stop thinking about all the possible consequences.
Highly fluctuating self-esteem.
An ENFJ’s self-esteem depends on whether they are able to live up to their ideals and fulfill their goals, while at the same time making sure that everyone around them is happy. If the ENFJ’s ideas are being constantly criticized or they are unable to help people close to them, their self-confidence is likely to plummet.
ENFJ Relationships and Dating
ENFJ personalities take dating and relationships very seriously—their dedication and passion are really admirable. Even in early dating phases this is evident; people with this type are prepared to put a lot of time and effort into fostering their romantic relationships. First of all, ENFJs pay a lot of attention to their partners’ needs and desires. Second, they do not shy away from commitments or obligations, doing their best to connect with their partners. Finally, ENFJs do everything they can to feel the pulse of the relationship: they will occasionally ask their partner if everything is fine, whether they need anything else, etc. If there are any concerns at all, the ENFJ will rush to resolve the potential issue as soon as possible.
ENFJs take their obligations very seriously and are likely to do everything they can to create and maintain a solid relationship. Unfortunately, this is also one of the main weaknesses of ENFJs: due to their extraordinary emotional investment in dating and romantic relationships in general, ENFJs are likely to feel a huge sense of guilt and betrayal if the relationship (even if they were still dating) fails. However, this is unlikely to crush the ENFJ.
From the standpoint of sexual intimacy, ENFJs tend to be very passionate and dedicated lovers, doing their best to make sure that their partners feel happy. That being said, their Judging (J) trait is likely to introduce a bit of routine and predictability (which may actually be a stabilizing factor) into their sexual life.
ENFJ personalities loathe conflicts and criticism, especially when it comes to dating and romantic relationships. They will do everything they can to escape tense situations, including sacrificing their own principles. This can easily lead to resentment and difficulties later on, once both partners realize that the problem has not gone anywhere.
ENFJs should also learn to pay more attention to their own needs and express them clearly, especially while they are still dating. People with this personality type do not need much to feel happy; however, it is crucial that the ENFJ receives some praise and visible affection as well. Otherwise, the balance in the relationship may be disrupted, or their dating partners may see them as insecure.
Preferred partners: INFP and INTP types, as their Introversion (I) and Prospecting (P) traits counterbalance ENFJs’ Extraversion (E) and Judging (J) traits.
ENFJ Friends
ENFJ friends are known for their warmth and kindness. People with this personality type enjoy connecting with others and getting to know them well. Most ENFJs find it easy to communicate, even with individuals who do not share any of their traits or ideas. That being said, ENFJ personalities can be quite selective when it comes to picking their closest friends: they value authenticity and sincerity, and do not open up to each and every one of their acquaintances.
Despite belonging to the Feeling (F) group, ENFJ friends are able to dish out criticism where necessary. This is not something that ENFJs enjoy, but they can be quite decisive and judgmental if the situation demands them to be. Generally, though, ENFJ personalities tend to be very tactful and kind, even to the point of being too sweet. It is difficult not to enjoy being with an ENFJ friend. They may be a bit too inflexible sometimes, but their energy and sincerity are very disarming.
ENFJs are likely to be somewhat idealistic when it comes to making friends—they want to be the best friends imaginable. Such an approach is certainly commendable, but people with the ENFJ personality type need to make sure that their enthusiasm does not stifle the other person. ENFJ friends tend to be very supportive, cheerful, and passionate, but not every personality type can cope with this. ENFJs should not take this personally.
ENFJ personalities are both able and willing to work on their friendships, placing them very high on their priority list. ENFJs take pleasure in helping people discover their strengths and passions, and then supporting them along the way. This is not entirely altruistic as the ENFJ will also likely expect their friend to return the favor when an opportunity presents itself. Regardless, ENFJ friends will definitely be highly valued and respected.
ENFJs are most likely to surround themselves with Analyst or Diplomat friends as this gives them an excellent opportunity to discuss ideas that other personality types may deem too idealistic. However, ENFJs tend to be quite open-minded in this respect and will rarely have major difficulties relating to different types, as long as the other person does not criticize their principles.
ENFJ Parents
ENFJ personalities tend to be inspiring, warm, and very dedicated parents. They will try very hard to make sure that their children have strong value systems and grow up to be responsible adults. ENFJ parents are also likely to have very high standards, encouraging their children to be the best they can be, while also remembering to listen to their hearts.
ENFJ parents are likely to be very caring and nurturing. They will surround their children with love, warmth, and encouragement, always doing their best to create a safe and conflict-free environment for them to grow in. However, this can cause issues once their children reach adolescence: should the children wish to rebel against the authority of their parents, as many teenagers do, the ENFJ will likely feel hurt and unloved.
That being said, ENFJs’ intuition, energy, and sense of humor will help them a lot in such situations. People with the ENFJ personality type may be inflexible or even manipulative in some cases, but their genuine warmth and caring will certainly be remembered and appreciated by their children.
ENFJ Careers
Most typical ENFJ careers share one key attribute—they focus on making other people happy. ENFJs are usually very warm, sociable, and altruistic, and they have many viable choices when it comes to choosing the career that is best for them. We will list some of the most common roles below, but please feel free to drop us a message if you have any comments or ideas.
Let us start examining ENFJ career choices by stating the somewhat obvious fact that ENFJs are sincerely interested in other people and try to do their best to help them. On top of this, people with the ENFJ personality type tend to have extraordinary social and networking skills—it is quite common for an ENFJ to be “that person who knows everybody.” ENFJs truly shine in customer-relations careers or roles where they need to be dealing with other people on a daily basis. They can be brilliant sales representatives, advertising consultants, or HR administrators.
Next, ENFJs are usually quite sensitive and even somewhat idealistic. This is a double-edged sword, as the same sensitivity draws ENFJs toward careers that reward high emotional intelligence; on the other hand, ENFJs are very vulnerable to criticism and should stay away from stressful careers. Some of the ENFJ careers to avoid include finance (especially stock trading), law enforcement, corporate management, emergency personnel, medicine, and the military.
People with this personality type are also really creative, organized, and honest. This makes them excellent psychologists, event coordinators, or politicians. (There are some honest politicians in the world!) Also, one of the best ENFJ careers can be found in writing; however, ENFJs tend to approach this from a journalistic rather than book-writing perspective as such a career allows them to leverage their people skills.
Finally, ENFJs love new challenges and the thrill they get from helping other people. Consequently, many ENFJs are found in “altruistic” careers, e.g., social or religious work, teaching, or counseling. However, it should also be noted that ENFJs need constant approval from other people in order to feel satisfied and happy. If this is not forthcoming, the ENFJ may burn out very quickly and move to another career path or project.
After reading it all, I feel like I can relate to it but I feel that my results spoke too highly of me. I remember one question asking about whether I get irritated easily and I put the maximum number of thumb ups I can for that question and my result has no mention of my bad temper or anything so actually I'm not as nice as what this has made me out to be. LOL.
Personalities, I believe that they are created and moulded by the environment we are in. I used to think that it's partly genes, partly environment at one moment in my life. When I feel that everyone from my father side of the family is very stubborn, bad tempered and loud. But recently, I figured that it's because they grow up together, they influenced each other to be like that. My dad being the youngest, may have been treated like that by his family members, who have been (similarly) fiercely stubborn, and loud. And I suppose for him, he slowly grow up getting used to that, that that's the way to behave.
When I was about 16, I feared that I wouldn't know how to behave as a parent (in the future) or how to love properly because what I'm seeing in my family now is the way of living I'm used to. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to converse with my husband and children because in this current family that I'm in, we don't really talk, let alone communicate. But I stop being afraid when I get that I'm different from my parents.
They are from the baby-boomers generation, whereas they call my generation "Gen-Y" or "i-Gen". The former thinks traditionally, there are traditions to follow and the traditions are made to be followed, whereas our generation are taught that "there are two sides to a coin, what is said to be right may have some wrong in it", unlike the previous gen, we question and even challenge traditions. Their emphasise: respect, seniority comes first (I guess that's why so many adults are so niao about it) whereas for us "Gen-Y": respect goes both ways, if you want to be respected, you will have to prove yourself deserving.
Childhood. My parents are brought up in a Malaysia kampong and I am born in Singapore, growing up in a HDB. Their childhood is the legendary self-made kites, five stones, hopscotch, catching bugs and fishes from the small drains and streams. My childhood is power rangers, powerpuff girls, pokemon, digimon, Spider-Man ('Spider-Man' just auto-caps on iPad...........). My father's free time is spent on helping his father in the wet market. Barbie dolls and picture books surround me during my past time. In terms of backgrounds we faced very different difficulties, we enjoyed different entertainments. The former changes our attitude in life, and the latter changes our preferences.
If we are thrown the same problems now, we will definitely approach it very differently. And we will definitely treat the same people very differently. I guess one of the reason why I fear the dark and my parents don't, is because I grow up in a brightly-lit environment. Even in the middle of the night, it will never get totally dark, whereas for the kampong-raised generation, they sleep early because it gets totally dark after eight plus (statistics given according to my mum) and you do not want to get poked by rusty nails in the darkness.
Anyways I always question why I am the way I am now. Why do I think the way I do in certain situations. Why do I treat people the way I do. I've always thought that everyone is like this too, that everyone thinks about this kind of stuffs. But only until recently did I realize that this is actually not the case. And despite it being April Fools, I'm not joking about me beings ENFJ. LOL ..... okays I'm lame.
"Everything you do right now ripples outward and affects everyone. Your posture can shine your heart or transmit anxiety. Your breath can radiate love or muddy the room in depression. Your glance can awaken joy. Your words can inspire freedom. Your every act can open hearts and minds." -- David Deida
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