Liberation ,
Sunday, October 19, 2014 | 9:09 PM
Writing this post because I feel like I owe this to my readers who have stayed with me ever since I’ve been blogging (basically my whole high school life) and graduation day is a significant event which one shouldn’t miss out on recording down right? … Just that it doesn’t feel that significant to me.
This is really odd because amongst most people that I know, I am one of the more sentimental ones, always reminiscence-ing, always cherishing de precious moments but the lack of passionate emotions I felt that day really puzzles me so much that when people asked me how do I feel about graduation, I’m not sure what to reply because saying ‘nothing’ is too extreme but honestly I don’t feel anything special.
Perhaps it’s because I constantly feel that this is truly not the end yet. That I will still come to school every day after this, that I will still see these people every day when I come to school, that the fight is not over, and we are still in it together. And Grad Day was just another Break Day whereby I am allowed to let my hair down and not think about studies AT ALL without having to feel guilty during this hectic period.
Maybe the feelings I ought to feel on Grad Day will surface on the last day of A’s or maybe Prom Day or maybe even
If I were the me a few years ago, I will now be on facebook/twitter vying with the others on posting about friendships, posting about appreciation (yaade yaade ya) and photos with friends. Competing, displaying, flaunting the confirmation of the relationships I have forged throughout my RV life. But I am no longer the me a few years ago and I do not find the need for that now. I daresay that those who are important can feel that they are precious to me without my having to do that, without my having to flash: “Hey guys thank you for being there for me all these years”, “Who would have thought we would be so close then”, “I can’t imagine life without you guys”, “And here are the most important people of my high school life” etc. Sounds familiar? Yeah they’re all over my social networking page at the moment.
Not trying to be skeptical about anything (and everything) at the moment but honestly I wasn’t even trying to sound judgmental. But if you think about it, when you lay it out like this, and see things as they are, what people are doing, you can see that I’m just stating facts and everything online is just as superficial as they can get. (Not my words though – or so I say) And I guess I witness
I guess I agree with Wern that the people we have went around to find on Grad Day to take photos with, have a really important place in our hearts. I’m not one who will go out of my way to find people to take photos (I’m too lazy to bother about all the small talks, awkward silence and whatnots nowadays), though I admit that one of the main reason is because I have no good-quality camera. And if we require a definition, important does not mean, “oh we were once classmates y’know, and I guess we better remember each other by taking photos together on this “final day” together”, well I buy class photo every year for a reason y’know?
YES IT’S OFFICIAL! I’m an exclusively exclusive person! And if you haven’t know by now then I guess I probably didn’t find you to take a picture on Grad Day. It's a long journey into my heart that even crossing the campus of RV will never be able to measure up. No, not even from the Malan Campus to the Boon Lay Campus. (There's more meaning to my words than the literal interpretation okays? I'm secretly trying to imply three other subtle messages, which revolves around the concept of time, hardships and distance) Anyways, I saw this on twitter the other day and I can totally relate to this.
It reveals to me what I’ve been doing (or at least trying to do) all along. (And it kinds of explain why my dad is always trying to get the betterment of things. P.S. He’s a Taurus, Imma Capricorn) Speaking of horoscopes, de other day I was talking to my brother and we figured that there is no ‘Water Sign’ in our house. My mother’s a Gemini, an air sign (which explains her nonchalant attitude about everything and her abundant absence, especially at critical times) and my brother’s a Leo, a fire sign. I guess people will judge/tut-tut me for being superstitious but I guess that’s why my parents are not very compatible. Well, they might be and that day will come when 'the earth meets the sky' I guess (Am I punny enough yet?) The complexity and difficulty adds up when they’re both so extreme and stubborn to their views and beliefs.
Anyways, I digressed. The initial intention of mentioning the quote and specially adding it to my blog because I feel that it’s something that really explains who I am as a person and why do I usually do the things I do. The righteous side of me is constantly inclined to attempt to right a wrong. I’ve come to terms that perfection does not exist but I think there’s always room for improvement, that things will get better but I can only rely on myself to get to where I want to be and achieve what I wanna get. (ARGH HOW DID IT TURN OUT SO CHEESY WTF)
This reminds me of a personality quiz that I did with my friends de other day. (This will probably be spoilers for those who have yet to do this quiz) Anyways, the first question was “you are walking in a forest, who are you walking with?” and my answer was, “alone”. I honestly thought it was the reply that everyone will immediately answer until I realize that out of ten people I asked, only one other person replied “alone” too. And so, the result is “the person you are walking with in the forest is the person that you are most dependent on”. It’s really true for me, that I will rather depend on myself than anyone else in this world. I trust people but I feel that only I understand what I truly want and I cannot demand that of other people especially if they cannot do it the way I want/need them to, so I would rather handle it myself. (this is such a expose-Teh-Ah-post LOL)
And yeap, I'm no longer protected by my high school and represent yet another member of the society. ... Currently unemployed and highest qualifications remains at PSLE. LOL. I guess feeling Eighteen officially begins now.
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Silent Prayers ,
Wednesday, October 8, 2014 | 6:45 PM
神啊，我是郑歆颖，今年十八岁，住在新加坡。我是那个每次拜拜时不知道要求什么而最后求您保佑世界和平，合家平安的女孩。我不是一个忠诚的信徒，我没有像我爸妈一样天天忠诚地烧香，所以我知道我没有权利向您要求什么。但我总是在我最无助，最无知的时候向您祈祷，求您给我一些答案。
记得我小学五年级那一年，一直以来全校第五名的我问您我可不可以得到全校第三名。我没丢到一个僧杯 （seng4 bei1）。那一年，我得到了全校第十名。三年后，我在中三时，有了一个我爱不释手的男朋友。我希望我们会天长地久，因此，为了让自己在这段感情上更有信心，我跪在你的面前，问您我会不会嫁给这个男人。您又没有给我一个僧杯。不到半年后，我们真的分手了。
我记得，没得到僧杯是件非常失望的事。当那一个朝天，一个面地的僧杯掉落在地上，声音是多么的响亮，心，是那么的沉重。我也越来越不喜欢面对你。但在二零一四年的莫一天，我又跪在您的面前。一把眼泪，一把鼻涕地求您让我重病的爸爸好起来，因为我认为他是这世界上最值得快乐的人。我记得我绝望地求您把我这一生的十年换我爸爸的健康。我想，那该是我这一生最无助的一晚。过几天，我爸的病好了，我又跪在您面前，不停地磕头，不断地道谢。
也许这几年来您真的一直在看着我成长，看着我在床上呐哭的夜晚。我变了。小时候，会为不重要但认为是全世界的人或事哭泣。渐渐地，想法改变了，落泪的理由也不一样了。不曾为这个家着想的我，开始担心如何为父母承受家里的负担。接近大考的来领，我不想问我能不能考到状元，我不必知道我会不会继续和我重要的朋友联络，能考到怎么样的成绩我也不必知道。但我很想问您，我有没有本事为我爸妈扛着这个家的负担？
这一次，您能给我一个僧杯吗？
I would like to apologize to my non-chinese readers (assuming that I have any) for typing out the post in Chinese at the beginning (and then apologize to my Chinese readers for the bad use of the Chinese language which doesn't do the language justice) and for the long hiatus (which I don’t think needs any explaining). Anyways, the front part about the post is what goes through my mind when I pray. I typed it in Chinese because as a part-time Buddhist, I speak to my Gods in my Mother Tongue which feels more personal.
I claim that I am a part-time Buddhist because I am not a firm believer and commit the crime of only falling back on my Gods when I feel truly helpless and lost. I say that it is a crime because it is like taking their powers and protection for granted and only turning to Them, begging for their help, when you really need Them and totally forget about Them in times of happiness, not crediting or recognizing the protection they bestow on you 24/7.
One thing that never ceases to amaze me though, is that when I kneel before my God, my dad will tell me to think in my head what I want to say to them and WALA they will know and listen to me. I can’t decide whether it’s that my mind is being read or I was momentarily possessed then my head and heart got looked into without my realizing of it. But when I think about it, if They can know what I’m thinking without me opening my mouth, then They will probably think of me as a very undeserving human being for all the pure-evil and sadist thoughts I have every so often (which I refuse to share because it would be suicidal. LOL.)
I am no expert in the field of religion but I would like to explain the terms I used in my Chinese passage (more like a confession really). Basically, 僧杯 （seng4 bei1）is a holy object that comes in a pair which you throw when you ask the Buddha a yes or no question (well you can’t expect an essay of answers because there are so many people in the world and there just aren’t enough Gods to go around to answer to the billions of doubts and questions around the world… Some as useless as asking for 4D numbers. Oppos I digress.)
Anyways, getting a 僧杯 （seng4 bei1）means that the answer is yes and it is indicated by the holy object facing opposite directions, either up or down. SO, if the pair of objects (example: two fifty-cents coins) are both facing up, the answer to your question is no and if both are facing down, the answer is also ‘no’. So, if you do your mathematics, the probability of getting a ‘yes’ is 33.3% (…still higher than the probability of me getting into the course that I want to enter in University. LOL.)
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