We'll be counting stars ,
Sunday, March 23, 2014 | 4:09 PM
4 March 2014 Counting the days ,
“Don’t find a job that you love, get a job that you don’t hate.” Was the advice I got from le FT (Form Teacher) when I told him I really don’t know what I should do in the future. “If you do something that you love, it will consume you.” Tempted as I am to prove him wrong, I decided not to learn from things the hard way again and this time listen to advice. ... But I’m still not sure what to do in the future though. DANG.
Met one of my ex the other day. One of the three.
The first one, was wrong guy, wrong time.
And it lasted for a month.
The second, (aka “Friend”) was right guy, wrong time.
We were together for a thirteen months.
And the third, (the one that I met the other day) was the right guy, right time.
But it was only for four months.
Mr Right Guy Right Time, was the perfect and ideal ‘best friend cum boyfriend’ guy most girls dream about. With him, I was really all of me. But after our breakup he was one hell of a cold guy with harsh, piercing words. So I was very pleasantly surprised when hanging out together with him on Monday, it felt like meeting a childhood friend. I want to tell him everything, and do everything with him again, just like good old times but… there was this wall between us that previously wasn’t there.
If anything, I really felt like I was tiptoeing on a layer of thin ice at times. It really confused me about how I felt comfortable and uncomfortable all at once. But I saw this quote de other day, which explains EVERYTHING I’ve been feeling in my life so far: “It’s a complicated world. So don’t force yourself to feel only one emotion at one time.”
So it’s perfectly normal to love and hate someone at the same time. Rather, I think that’s the way all close relationships are like. Because you know each other so well, you love the other person for their strengths. But at the same time, their little bad habits will annoy the hell out of you and pisses you so bad you don’t wanna hang out with that person.
It’s perfectly normal to feel proud of your friends who scored better than you in tests and also feel jealous about it. But being a good friend means that you won’t let your jealousy take over you and pull your friends down. In my own social circle, I think everyone is getting more stressed out about their academics lately that hurtful words have been unintentionally hurled around. I think the worst and most discouraging line I’ve heard was, “Study so hard for what? In the end you also might not pass.” Ouch.
8 More Breathless Months
I think at times like this, what we need most, are the support we can give each other. Deep inside us, we all know the harsh reality (okays I can’t speak for everyone else but I know that sometimes the things that I am yearning for may be more than beyond reach), and honestly, when I share my own fears and aspirations, I was waiting for positive comments and encouragements. But the comments that I’ve been receiving instead, is making me reluctant to talk more.
As with what is happening in my family. (Personally,) I think communication is key. But it matters no more if no one is listening. Or responding. I stop telling my parents whenever I got ill – Cramps, fever, stomach flu, infections, sore-throat, whatever. What is the point when my telling will bring me scolding and blaming of my irresponsibility, of my being unable to take care of myself. I don’t ask for much, I just want some peace and rest when my body fails me. And if I’m a little more hopeful, I ask for some attention and gentle concern.
Anyways, was read this in an article de other day. One of the worse advices to give students is: “Nothing is impossible”. (I wish man) Everyone is talented in their own ways. There are some things we just cant do as well as others no matter how hard we try. For an extreme example: you can’t ask a boy to give birth. Impossible things exist, admit it. Another example: Le Mr Mezz to be able to converse in simple Chinese by the time we graduate. You can’t master a language in a year. Sure, you can improve your languages but there are limits. So a better advice (taken from the same article,) is “focus on your strengths”.
15 March 2014 Counting the lost times ,
After weeks of not contacting “friend”, I started talking to him again. I have no will-power I know. Surprisingly, the person I talked to about this troubling matter was Miaoye. And she told me, “分分合合, 合合分分, 到最后还是会分的” and I told her, “Never go back to an ex, it’s like rereading an old book. ... You know how it will end.” We all know how poisonous this on-and-off thing is but ... But what if I am obsessed with the content of “the book”.
I seldom blog about dramas but this is special since I seldom watch dramas anyway so I shall blog about this one drama that pulled me so deeply into the story and left me quite emotionally vulnerable afterwards. This is a Korea drama call ‘You who came from the stars’ (blogging about it makes me remember the story and my heart is aching again. Sighpie), and it has 21 episodes which lasted for about an hour each. I finished the drama within 4 days during school term. The sleep I gave up for it has left me with unforgiving eyebags. DANG.
I guess the biggest takeaway I felt from this movie was how we the female species, allows ourselves to be imperfect (the girl has so many bad habits that I lost count), but we expect the guy we fall in love with to be perfect. The show sure gave us an example of a perfect guy all right, but HA he is an alien. So really, the perfect guy doesn’t exist. He cannot appear as and when we want him to… unless he can teleport. And yeah it’s romantic to stop the time but do we really want to stay in that same moment for all of forever? I guess I don’t really mean it when I say “I wish time will stop” whenever I hug him. What I really meant was, I wish I can always hug you like this once in a while every day. Yeap, more realistic.
And since the main guy character in this show took 400 years to find his true love, who am I to rush?
I think it is more sacrificial if someone LIVE FOR someone compared to dying for someone. I guess people usually see Person A, who dies so that Person B can live, to be very wei da and selfless. But I think dying is the easier option, the one who has to live on, will be the one having a much harder time, (assuming that both are very much in love either as parent-child, husband-wife etc.) So in the movies, when the guy dies for the girl, with the line, “live well and take care of yourself for me okay?”, my applause is for the girl, who can stand the world with everything gone, with a heartache so unbearable that makes living worse than death, and not for the guy who selfishly, being her everything, took it all away.
So was talking to one of my friends de other day about the missing flight MH370, and at first we were like, if it happened to my family, I would rather myself to be on the plane than my parents. But we realize how cruel it is of us to put our parents through worry and pain like this. So this may sound very heartless and selfish, but if it were to happen to my family, I’d rather my parents to be on the plane (but if the people are being sold to slavery, I’d rather it be me) and I’ll go through the endless sleepless and tearful nights, I’d rather be the one carrying the rest of the burden of my family, bills and debts, and the feeling of loss so painful that breathing takes elaborated efforts. That being said, it’s best if such things never ever happened in the first place.
When things happen, we all need a closure.
But why is it that at the same time, we all hate endings?
23 March 2014 Counting sheep in endless sleep ,
Been going back to school every day of the March holidays and was talking to Le Mezz one day about how people shouldn’t take year one to three seriously cause it’s not worth working so hard over and we should just learn enough to promote. And then he said, “nothing’s worth it in the end Xinying. ... You’ll learn as you grow older. I’m still trying to figure it out.”
I agreed to what he said at that moment but now that I think about it, I beg to differ. Why is it not worth it just because we are going to die in the end? We came into this world with nothing and it’s only fair that we leave the world with nothing but that shouldn’t be an excuse for us to live with nothing. We might not leave a legacy behind like /imagine cool and famous big names here that changed the world with all sort of inventions or contributions/, we might become bubbles of nothingness when we die, we might even be forgotten – something that almost everyone fears..
“She breath her last but she is still alive in our memories,”
I think there are certain things that are worth it, things that we will regret not doing when we’re on our death bed. I should’ve asked Le Mezz at that time, “Mr Mezz, if nothing is worth it in the end, then was it worth it to leave everything behind to come to Singapore just for a girl?” There are things that are worth fighting for, things that will decide whether you will leave this world with a smile, or with regrets.
So I was talking to my band conductor two days ago, about how Le Mezz say nothing is worth it in the end and I asked her, “when was the hardest part of your life?” and she threw a question back at me, “from when you’re born till now, what is one thing or one object that can describe your life?” Being a slow girl, I couldn’t come up with an answer right on the spot so she told me hers instead. I won’t write it here because I think it’s too personal and private of her story and it’s not my tale to share.
Hers was a simple depiction but personally I find it a little sad but at the same time assured. Assured because I realize that actually, it’s okays, it’s fine, that even if in the end, we didn’t get or achieve what we set out for. … That just saddening right? So why do we still try so hard to live and to survive? (This question was frequently posted by the main guy character in the drama, “you who came from the stars” too because le alien don’t get why humans have such a hard life but still want to live so badly. He found his answer in ‘love’, .. After 400 years so.. I guess I still have a long way to go)
So about the thing/object that describes my life up till now, I still don’t have an answer for it yet and I have come to terms with myself that there’s no hurry. It’s okay not to have an answer sometimes. I should take my time and come up with an answer that I will be satisfied with rather than coming up with an answer just for the sake of having an answer. But I guess I will think about it once in a while. P: Anyways, I find it saddening how I quote my teachers and educators more often than I quote my own parents. I think these kind of talks with adults is healthy once in a while. I need adult advice too, especially this point of time in my life.
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