Illusion of Ease
Friday, July 29, 2016 | 7:47 AM
Have been having this feeling of satisfaction and at peace with myself throughout summer break (actually I’m not so sure how to describe this feeling... it’s just this feeling of being okay with what I’m doing, what I have and who I am and I’m contented y’know?). But as I scroll through twitter, and read up on a few acquaintances’ blog, I see so much negativity, and from being “okay”, it became... “not-so-okay”.
Quite a few people’s twitter were filled with tweets after tweets about missing their exes, wanting their relationship back etc. From broken relationships to failed friendships to family issues, I understand the feeling of emptiness, helplessness, loss and pain, I can empathize and relate to these feelings, as my life is coloured with greys like these too (though it’s not things I usually publicize).
For the past 20 years, I’ve always felt empty. And I thought that I need to find someone who can "complete" me. And with each breakup or a separation from a fling, I found myself emptier than before. And I keep looking for someone who can fill this empty vessel within me. But after the most recent breakup, and for the past few months, I realize that I don’t need anyone to complete me. And I myself, can bring out the best in me.
In losing him, I found myself.
It wasn’t really an easy process though. I didn’t find inner peace overnight. Breakups are difficult because you lose something you are comfortable and used to, and it’s... an indescribable and extremely personal feeling. For me, after that post-break-up-period, I signed up for things I’ve always wanted to explore but feared I wasn’t good enough for, like my job as a student care facilitator and volunteering at IMH. And I put meaning into my own life.
I also realized that I was in a toxic relationship, and it was hard to walk out of it, but I did and I’ve closed the chapter on that so I shall move on with my story. Maybe I will share it one day, on why it is so hard to walk out on a mentally-abusive relationship (and why when you recognize that your friend is in one such relationship, you are an insensitive friend if all you can say is “aiya just leave the person la!”) but that day is not today. LOL
Anyways on one of the other acquaintances’ blog, the person wrote that he/she feels very lonely, finding it very hard to make new friends and drifting away from old friends, envying those who have close friends by their side. Okay I wouldn’t say that I have a lot of close friends, but for every new friend I make, it takes a leap out of my comfort zone, and for every friendship that I try to sustain and keep, it does take quite a bit of effort.
I’m someone who believes strongly in hard work and effort to achieve what one wants in life. And that there is no such thing as equality, not everyone will start from the same starting point and some might have a smooth journey while some will be having an uphill battle. Which is why sometimes some people have to work harder than the rest. Some call this pessimistic, but I think it's just realistic.
“Do you like it at SMU?”
August 2015: “No sia...”
July 2016: “HAHAHA YES OMG”
Hmm.. Truth be told I think it took me about 5 to 6 weeks to really immerse myself into university and a large part of it is thanks to Conjunct Consulting (yes the CCA I’m in). Before I even officially start school in SMU, I was already overwhelmed by ... My email inbox... I was overwhelmed by the spam of emails offering business opportunities, networking opportunities, workshops, events and activities.
There were all contents I was not used to, and became pressurized by, due to my lack of knowledge in that field. I felt incompetent, knowing that people are actually signing up for all these things, improving themselves, getting ready for their grand entrance into adult life... and then, there’s me. Not part of all this and not even fitting into all this. I have never thought about venturing into the private industry, climbing high up the career ladder, or tapping into anything “business-related” and only considered the public and social sector of the society.
I didn’t pass the interview for Habitat (not something I'm proud of admitting) but I got into Conjunct Consulting. ... And it was the best decision in my University life. I met like-minded people and it’s not just about making friends, it was about reminding myself who I really am and what I seek in life and what was my life journey, why did I even go to university in the first place.
It also helped me instill in myself that despite being in a “management” school, it does not mean that I have to a “business-y” student too. They are impressive in their own way, and I am amazing the way I am too. So I slowly get used to the pace of university, and get the hang of university life (rather than drowning myself in my own worries and anxiety). Sorry to disappoint my dear readers, I’m not a xiao popz in school, I don’t have a lot of friends hahahah, nor am I on the Dean List, not the smartest person out there LOL, or whatnot.
The only inspiration I can be, is that I really enjoy what I’m learning and how I’m growing along the way. My life is not a big BANGZ, it’s a tough climb and a rough journey (one which I don’t actively portray, because I like to spread joy and not the pain okay? I’m not like trying to paint “THE PERFECT UNI LIFE” on any social network LOL), but I always remember the rainbows more than the rain. People say that one can cry at the same thing over and over but personally it’s a skill I will never grasp, though I can laugh at the same thing over and over, and that is a talent in itself okay?! LOL.
So at this point, I’m now immersing myself into this new phrase in life. I enjoy planning for my timetable, having my own personalized schedule even if it means reporting to classes alone, or having random breaks with no friends but yours truly’s own company to eat with. Once in a while, I get self-conscious and insecure (especially when the other students look so posh and chic?!). And I learnt to enjoy deleting stupid emails, rather than getting worried about things I might be missing out on. LOL
... DANG I was going to dedicate a post about my University journey for another day but I’ve already summarized most of it here... Sorry that this post dragged on for so long. WAIT this is my blog why am I even apologizing LOL. Anyways, I can foresee that I will be going on a hiatus soon so it’s probably better that I’ve written all that.
But to satisfy your curiosity, her answer is “don’t support”. The influencer shared that it was an unpleasant experience and it was difficult for her to withdraw without feeling ostracize (an opinion shared by many others).
And I was wondering, why it’s a choice between “have such games (but those people who don’t like it, don’t participate and bear their own consequences)” or “don’t have such games at all”; and why is it that if you approve of the games, you are “modern, open-minded and exciting” but if you are against it then you are “traditional, boring and a wet blanket”. Does these suggestive games really represent such dichotomy?
In case the readers think I’m sprouting nonsense because my examples sound extreme or ridiculous, it is possible for one’s behaviour to contradict with one’s beliefs (it’s in my psychology textbook! Omg so eggciting to be discussing and applying it. Though it’s not really a discussion cause I’m the only participant...). For this case, the influence of external environments would be a strong factor (i.e. peer pressure) and the lure to conform should never be belittled.
Actually, I don’t really feel like taking this further so I will just end off with one of my favourite videos and the readers can just think about anything and everything that’s brought up here. (Gosh I give y’all so much freedom and autonomy ... I know I know, I'm just giving an excuse for my own laziness)
Oh but if you didn't catch my stand about the whole sexualized university games issue (actually, I conveniently did not mention HAHAHHA), I feel that as people who have the power to control these games and activities (i.e. the student leaders and camp facilitators themselves), don't let your participants do activities that you 1) wouldn't do yourself; 2) wouldn't want your kids to do; 3) wouldn't want your partners/lovers to do. Why? Because if you're not okay with doing it, or not okay with people you love doing it, why are you okay with someone else doing it or the children of someone else do it?
Labels: Friends, Life, Quotes, Updates
To the top
Illusion of Harmony
Wednesday, July 20, 2016 | 10:34 AM
The student care that I work for has a few different centres around the east area. For now I’m assigned a particular centre but I’ve been to every single one of the centres (I don’t really enjoy the constant change of environment, which always happen at last moment notice but looking back, it wasn’t that bad an experience). Anyways, to get to my current workplace, I have to walk past an area of landed property from the MRT and every so often I caught myself admiring the houses, imagining my own dream house and wondering about having an extravagant life.
It also reminded me of a guy who used to be in my life (for the past 7 years up till 3 months back). We were sharing our dreams once and he told me that his dream was to live in a big house and have a nice car. I thought that his dream was kind of shallow (okay admitting it makes me feel like I’m a terrible person because I don’t have the rights to judge anyone’s dreams or trample on their dreams like that... yours truly would like to present a sincere apology sobs), so I asked him what his childhood dream was, and he told me he wanted to be a banker.
I didn’t understand then that why anyone would pursue such a materialistic dream for such a long time, throughout his life. It is probably the most common dream there is to be, apart from yours truly’s childhood dream, which is to be found by my biological parents, who happen to be the king and queen of a country under the rule of a monarchy and to be told that I’m already bestowed to a prince as handsome as Eddie Peng. Hais. Dear secret-biological-parents-of-mine, y’all are taking your own sweet time to come find me ah!
Yours truly can’t believe she just confessed her innermost dream to you guise omg you lucky bunch of readers. Hahahaha. Sorry about the lack of sanity here but yours truly have yet to have breakfast but she’s too lazy to get out of her room to grab something to eat. (Actually right after I typed this, I went to the kitchen to grab a cup of water and a banana LOL but I’d still like to use the excuse of being too hungry if my post sounds boring or confusing later on) But truth be told (not that my princess dream was a lie), my dream is actually to make people happy.
(Doesn't looking at me makes you wanna smile? Especially with my effortlessly chic(k) and colourful fashion sense)
When I was younger, it was “to make people around me happy”, and boy, the lengths I’d go to make people laugh. They’re not kidding when they describe me as “crazy” (we had this activity in school last time, where people stick a piece of paper on their backs and we’d go around anonymously writing our first impression of that person on their back and 80% of the words I got was “mad”, “crazy”, “siao” HAHAHHA). From saying the silliest things to doing the wildest antics (why did I crawl outside classrooms I’ve absolutely no idea), I’ve probably used up all of my sense of naïve humor then and now I prefer humor like puns and such.
But now that I’m older, the people that I want to bring happiness to expanded and increase, not just around me but also beyond. I might have met them, I might have not, but directly or indirectly, those who have crossed even the slightest path with me, I want to be a reason for them to smile. The last time I wrote about this topic, I wrote that I wanted to own a shop-house and I’d be a counsellor and hold my sessions on the second floor and have a café on the first floor, for DnD parties for the patients once in a while (tragically, I’ve yet to consider the PDPA issues regarding patients information if a party was indeed held). That said, yours truly’s dream has taken a different turn now but she’s not sure if she’s ready to write about it just yet.
When put alongside each other, his and my dream seems to be worlds apart, and we are working towards very different goals. The downside of having a partner who is not going in a similar direction as you, is that you can hardly be inspired by the other person. And an uninspired person is hardly alive. Tragically, to add on to that, we held very different philosophies in life. I believe in a balance of my time, from people to projects to personal time, a balance which I’ve always been advocating here since the last day of 2013.
While he believed that a balance can never exist.
As mentioned previously, I’ve known him about 7 years or so. Things have never quite worked out well between us and we had a lot of ups and downs throughout these years. In between, people had come and left (a nicer way of saying we had other partners after breaking up and then getting together again) and we had tried again and again. (LOL what a way to summarize a 7-year-relationship) They always said follow your heart when it comes to love, but at this point in life, I realized the head needs to put in some effort too.
He felt that relationships should be a priority so as I seek a balance in life, the time that I allocate for him, will never be satisfactory or enough to him. It is not wrong, though a bit selfish, but it’s just not the kind of life that I seek and not one that I can agree to. It can probably work out for some people but that person will not be me.
So while a blog is usually centered around the author, (and when I blog, I’d share about my life and my experiences, making it seem like very ‘me, me, me’) but I’d like for whoever that still visit this space of mine to have some takeaway too, whether it’d be some laughter and pleasure or some thought-provoking lessons, just be enriched in one way or another. So the lesson of the day is this, find someone who shares similar dreams and philosophy as you and if that fails, at least find someone who believes in it and support you towards it. Cliché but it took me 7 years to really ingrain it into myself. (And I’m glad I finally did)
Just thinking of my parents and what a mismatch they are. From an astronomical point of view (yes a psychologist, ahem, would-be psychologist can dab a bit into astronomy too okay), one’s an Earth sign and one’s an Air sign. Anyone can see that the earth and sky never meets, one stays rooted while the other roams free. And if that is really their philosophy, no wonder one would give up overseas opportunities to work from home while the other finds all sort of reasons even if it’s just to go to the other end of the country. How do they manage to stay together for this long... Okay maybe that’s credited to my brother and me.
With all that said, later when I walk past all the landed property again, I’d probably still feel a sense of awe and envy. Especially those pretty houses with a pool and a balcony, oh not forgetting the one with a large yard to roam free. I can’t decide whether I’d prefer chic and modernity, or cozy, warm and full of festivity. (EH EH EH IS THIS A POEM) So back to the dream of having a big house,
P.S. This post took me two hours and it's one of the rare times I finished it in one sitting /gasp/
Labels: Dreams, Memories, Relationships, Theory, Updates
To the top
Illusion of Coincidence
Thursday, July 14, 2016 | 8:20 AM
Clean slate. The noun that just popped out as I decide to start writing here again. The problem with putting off writing on a blog is that things just keep happening and day by day it just snowballs and now there’s a massive heap of things I ought to update about. But of course, it is impossible to write about everything especially since it’s been a year. Though it may seem like a coincidence that I picked up writing again in the month of July, these days I’ve been rethinking all the so-call coincidences in life.
Perhaps it is not pure coincidence that the last time I wrote was in July. Maybe it’s because my years follow a different phase now. For the past 12 years of primary to secondary to junior college education, my year follows the academic calendar, starting in January and ending in December. With the busiest periods being the exam periods, as I am a typical student. But now as a University student, my year seems to start in August and end in July. So as August rolls in next month, I guess my hands will be full again.
While blogging does relive stress for me, it has never been effortless or a breeze, like having words flowing out of my fingertips is but a dream. Many a times I was stuck with trying to express my thoughts and feelings, finding the right words, and making the whole entry itself seem consistent without confusing any potential readers. I did consider the option of dayre but I didn’t stick to it for long because it wasn’t really my style…? It is definitely a convenient tool to help record fleeting moments but it was like a short cut I didn’t feel comfortable taking. That said, I might return to it as a last resort.
Oh gosh it just started raining heavily. Totally having the ideal atmosphere to sit down and write. Hahahah. This kind of take me back to where I was talking about “all the so-call coincidences in life”. Now that I think about it again, it’s probably not a coincidence that it started raining as I write till here. It’s highly likely that even before it rains, it has already been breezy and the mood was already there. Usually I will settle down with watching variety shows or dramas but I’ve finished catching up on the shows, also, I’ve been wanting to write for days now, I finally jumped into this. Not by coincidence that I’m writing in July, but that the factors all came together nicely today and here I am.
“All the so-call coincidences in life” that I’ve been thinking about was spurred by this tweet I saw recently: it’s a small world, followed by everyone knows each other. Oh really. Do we now?
Here’s a shared experience: strangers you meet happen to know someone you already know (family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and whatnot). And you feel this amazing sense of coincidence, and this feeling that the world is so small and we’re all somehow connected. The last phrase probably holds some truth, that we’re all somehow connected. But I don’t think that meeting common people amongst your friends/social circle is the work of coincidence (though it is definitely the most convenient conclusion).
Time check because the top half was written before I went out in the morning. Left home at 11:40 to go to work. Okay I guess I should give a short summary on what I’ve been doing the whole summer. So I’m working part-time as a Student Care Facilitator/Teacher during the weekdays and on the weekends I’m volunteering at the Institute of Mental Health (Singapore). Personally I’ve found this summer break perfect so far. I’ve been spending my days meaningfully, learning new things and enjoying myself along the way. And true to my life philosophy and true to myself, I’ve been making sure to have a BALANCE of different parts of my life.
Anyways, back to where I left off. The whole talk about “coincidence”. While volunteering for IMH, I also signed up for a Community Arts project called “In My Shoes” by Uninhibited Space. Using art as a tool to advocate for mental health, volunteers and mental health patients work together with arts students from NTU ADM (Arts, Design and Media) to put together an exhibition to raise awareness for mental health.
SOOOOOOO COINCIDENTIALLY, one of the artist who I met on the first day of the collaboration happens to be Jiahui’s friend in NTU ADM (FYI Jiahui is Pui Pui who is yours truly’s Year 3 High School friend and who is still one of my most cherished gems though that’s another story for another day). It really felt like PURE COINCIDENCE then, that out of SO MANY people in NTU ADM, she is a friend of a friend. But… after a while I caught myself wondering... is it really a coincidence? That it is a “small world after all”? That “fate brought us together”? (Yes... yours truly truly boh liao and thus have the luxury of time and effort to complicate things in her head)
(The irony of being boh liao enough to create this picture using Microsoft Paint LOL) Sorry for digressing. It can’t be helped cause I’m having a really serious case of food coma. Met my JC friends after work and had: Crystal Jade La Mian Xiao Long Bao (翡翠拉面小笼包) BUFFET, 1/6 of Yiling’s Birthday Cake (Strawberry Shortcake from Four Leaves) and ice-cream from Daily Scoop (ate all these from 7pm to 9pm plus). Yes there’s always room for dessert and they are called the thighs.
MY TUMMY IS BLESSED
BUT MY HEAD'S A MESS
YET I’M NOT THAT STRESS
TILL I HAVE NO PROGRESS
IS THIS A POEM IN THE MIDDLE OF FOOD COMA?! OK I’M GOING BACK TO THE MAIN THEME. What led to yours truly questioning this “coincidence” was this mutual friend’s (the NTU ADM girl I met at the event) remark of how I remind her of Pui Pui and how similar we are. And I wondered that could this have been a factor or a reason that we actually found each other in the midst of other strangers. Maybe because Pui and I are similar, we seek out similar people to make friends with. And this girl has the qualities which we prefer in a friend (down-to-earth is something that popped out in my head). So in NTU ADM when Pui met her, she decide to get to know this girl. And when I met this girl at the volunteering event, we clicked and then we realized we had a mutual friend. Perhaps birds of a feather do flock together.
SOOOOOO if we delve deeper into it, it might not be coincidence that I joined the same event as Pui’s friend. How can it be up to fate when it was our individual choice to join this event which interest us (i.e. mental health). And its highly likely that our area of interest contributes to who we are as a person at this point in life and it could be that Pui is intrigued by our likes (and perhaps dislikes) and became our friend. And when the factors are all in place, we all meet as common friends.
(Throwback to my 20th Birthday (erm... week) and the pleasant surprises I received. Who knows, maybe one day all these gems that I surround myself with, will cross paths and meet each other)
After a long chunk worth of nonsense and (some) sense, my point is that there is hardly any “pure coincidence”. As with the case of mutual friends, if one tries to analyse the reason of how and why you become friends with a certain person, you can see that a number of factors actually contribute to this meeting/opportunity/fateful moment. And by breaking down what leads you there, you can actually learn more about yourself and change the way you direct your own path next time. It is possible to surround yourself with all the gems, all the good people in the world.
So don’t blame it on things like, “oh I attract *this* kind of people”, or that “aiya people will always be like this one la”. Once your direction is wrong, of course you would pick up the wrong people along the way and it will just lead you further and further away. Even with different end goals, when the direction is similar, we might just eventually meet the same people along the way, whether intentionally or not. This is like the idea of what I have in my head:
(Not a very artsy fartsy photo but I'm not here to impress but to inspire. On that note, my first, second and fourth photo has been created using Microsoft Paint while the sixth photo was slightly edited using Microsoft Powerpoint. HAHAHHAHAHAHA. Don't ask me why I dare to admit, I think I just might have slightly lost it at this point.)
To end off, it is no coincidence that one of my current colleague is friends with one of my CCA friend in SMU Conjunct Consulting (Gosh I have yet to update about this. But FYI, joining Conjunct is definitely the best decision I made in University). No coincidence in meeting a friend of a friend (#FOF) because when I looked for a student care facilitator/teacher job, I made sure to search under NCSS and look for a non-profit, VWO company (and not join a private company due to differences in mission and visions). And Conjunct as a CCA was a choice I made because it is a CCA that allows me to give back to society (a community service oriented CCA). It’s no mystery what is my direction, where I hope to go from here. It remains a wonder how things will turn out but no, no thanks to coincidence.
P.S. It's 2016/07/15, 0047. (LOOK AT THE AMOUNT OF TIME I TAKE TO WRITE A POST) Which is why yours truly said that personally, blogging has never been effortless.
Labels: Life, Relationships, Theory, Updates
To the top