I am forced by the passing of time, the transition of life stages, and the expectations of society to grow up and to behave like a "grown-up" (whatever that would constitute). But here, I would just be a little childish, a little self-centered, a little irresponsible, a little too honest but also a little too pretentious.

24, and still counting.




Kept all my past posts intact because my past was what made me, me. Deleting them doesn't change who I am so I revisit my memories sometimes, to learn and to laugh at my past mistakes.

(Just kidding, I revert some posts to drafts because I'm utterly embarrassed.)


January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
October 2012
November 2012
April 2013
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
October 2013
November 2013
December 2013
January 2014
February 2014
March 2014
April 2014
May 2014
June 2014
July 2014
August 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2014
January 2015
February 2015
March 2015
April 2015
May 2015
June 2015
July 2015
July 2016
October 2016
December 2016
January 2017
March 2017
April 2017
May 2017
June 2017
July 2017
October 2019
December 2019
April 2020
May 2020


Designed by: Ahting

So... Such was the plan made in Year 1... And now mid-journey, it took a different turn. The difficult decision which I had to make (mentioned in my previous post’s abrupt ending) was whether to “let it turn”. Hmm thinking of how to write this story without boring myself HAHAHAH Yes I find myself a bore sometimes.

Like there are times during presentations when I’m presenting halfway and I got sick of listening to myself speak LOL. Usually after two minutes or so, I will actually start wishing for myself to be able to stop talking and for this presentation to end. And once in a while daydreaming in between while presenting (... no I don’t know how I manage to pass my presentations and even appeared to be quite effective at presenting LOL). That said, most of the time I really believe in what I am presenting but I just tend to get tired of my own voice LOL if that even makes some sense. Ah, but I’m not here to make sense heehee.




Story telling time! At the start of the semester in January, I went according to plan (FYI, refer to above) and applied for exchange (for Y3S1). Around February, I got the news that I got accepted into McMaster University for exchange, and... I WAS SO ESCASTIC. All the traveling (yours truly has not been out of Asia…) and meeting of friends here and there (especially my LDR-friends OHHHH MYYY GOOOOODD). The escape from my parents and freedom which I have never tasted before suddenly turning into reality. It was like the stars have aligned and things have fallen into place. HAAAAAALLELUJAH

Then came March. And another door opened. A door which, technically has always been there but which I have never considered approaching. A door which, actually looked really far and felt beyond my reach (even now, sometimes). A door which, truthfully, I had so many fears of going through. It is the door to my CCA executive committee (I think exco is the local term for it LOL) and for my CCA, they call it Chapter Leadership (CLship).

This semester, I was a Project Leader (PL) for Conjunct. I would say that I have given my all and was totally sucked into the project and the CCA the whole semester (machiam possessed one LOL omg maybe I have secretly been in a cult without realizing it... my soul is sold sobs it’s not Conjunct it’s Cult-junct. Okay I was kidding please don’t arrest me or disband my cult CCA). There are definitely things which I could have done better and I have learnt a lot from it. Looking at the concluding feedback and response from the team and partner I worked with, I would say that it had been a really satisfactory and meaningful journey.




Much as I love Conjunct, and how the people (I needa think up a nickname for these peepz soon... though I love calling my band’s people bandsmen, I don’t really like calling my Conjunct people consultants because they are beyond mere consultants...) are the main loves I have in SMU, I’ve never thought about running for CLship.

I’ve known two batches of CLs and to me, they are people who I will always look up to but could not stand beside by because they are so amazingly “up-there”. ... Dependable, having direction and foresight, leading with brilliance and passion ... For someone like me, someone so, so ordinary like me, theirs is a position beyond my reach, and one which I cannot live up to in this lifetime.

BUT LO AND BEHOLD, THERE ARE ACTUALLY PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN YOURS TRULY AND PUSHED HER UP TO THE SACRED TASK OF CLSHIP.



Saw this piece of writing this morning and I felt that this very accurately summed up what I have been feeling this whole semester. When I was a PL, I knew that my team will be depending on me and I am answerable to my partner, PAs (Project Advisor who are working professionals volunteering their time to provide guidance to the project) and ADP (the director of project who oversees all the ongoing projects during the semester), I knew, and reminded myself what I signed up this daunting task for.

And ... now I can finally confess that there were so many moments during the project cycle that I wasn’t sure of myself, whether I was up to standard, whether the path I’m leading the team on is the right one and whether we can go far on this path. A lot of times, I don’t have the answers I feel that people are demanding from me. I don’t even know how to describe the stress I get from trying to think, and also to feel, what would be the best answer, what could be the right path, what should I give to the people who put all of their faith on me. ... I guess what really pulled me through was their faith in me.

AND AGAIN THEY PUT THEIR FAITH ON ME THAT I CAN TAKE UP THIS CLSHIP.

So a door opened up for me. This CLship door. But I was already walking towards the other door, the CANADA EXCHANGE door. To be honest, I didn’t really consider the CLship door when it opened up to me even as people talked about it. The first moment which I began to waver is when I had this certain conversation:

Someone: “What do you enjoy doing? Hmm... Or see yourself doing in the future?”

Yours truly: “Developing people. I find it really fulfilling to help people maximize their potential and bring them to a better place they are trying to reach or never thought they might be able to reach.”

Someone: “What are you currently doing that is helping you to reach what you want to do in the future?”

Yours truly: “...Conjunct”

And that was when I stopped in my tracks towards the Canada Exchange Door. And I began to seriously think about each paths that will be behind those doors. What will change, what will it mean going down that path, what are the alternatives, what happens if I chose one but not the other.

Yes.... At this point, the decision has been made. And the path I chose was not the original course.

But I will never forget that week-long fatigue and agony of deciding till the very last moment. The days I spent thinking in the quiets of Fort Canning, when I have never felt such extreme uncertainty, my mind was a tornado in the humid, stilled afternoon air. Also, the nights I spent at the Singapore River, lying along the concrete benches, staring up at the night sky and listening to my head fighting with my heart. I will never forget the moments I had to wipe away my own tears and bawled to myself, as I was torn between what I truly want.

“How about you follow what you did, when you had to make a very difficult decision last time?
What helped you to decide? How was it decided?
Did you have to make a very difficult decision before?”

... No.

Labels: Decisions, Dreams, Life, Plans, Reflection, Updates

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Time: 9.58AM

And I’m 50% done with University life at this juncture. Year 2 Semester 2 finals were over last week and it’s now my second summer break. ... Oh it just started raining. Sweet. I was anticipating it and it’s really nice when it finally came. (I think like 70% of my blog posts are written while it’s raining LOL)

Time: 10:22AM

... Confession: I have just stared into space for the past 20 minutes at this random Starbucks I decide to camp at. To be honest I had other plans today but it changed and I’m kind of disappointed about it. So yours truly decides that it’s a good idea to think about why would I be affected by this and ... basically reflect who I am as a person. Fun fact: recently I thought it’s quite funny to say the phrase “it’s who I am as a person” in the most inappropriate situations ever while pretending that I believe it’s an appropriate situation to use the phrase. Hais my humour can’t be helped, it’s who I am as a person. LOL yes I just giggled to myself thinking it is punny HAHAHHA

Time: 10:32AM

Now that I think about it, I can’t believe that Zabby and Enrico was just here last semester. It felt like it had been a year since they have been gone. ... Maybe because it was such a different semester that it didn’t sink in that it happened one after another.

I really really missed Zabby because she had a “Wern-effect” on me. They are such people who make you feel that possibilities are endless, that you should test your boundaries, “be wild” and “be free”. It’s like I’m the confetti in their hands which they throw in the air and let me be carried by the wind but also there for me if I am to fall (this analogy just made me teary omg. Not only because it’s so true but it also made me really really miss them). Thrown confetti like I’m a celebration and they always make me feel that they are really proud of me, someone worth loving and celebrating, and someone they believe in.

... I really dislike this long-distance-friendship.

Time: 10:47AM

My green tea latte had turned cold. Sad. And the rain has stopped. Why. It’s like everything is hanging in the air and not flowing down nicely. Hmmm.. Am I speaking of the weather or are these my thoughts?

There’s this couple sitting a table away from me. They came at about 10:05AM. The girl look like she’s in her early 20s, wearing what looks like she just woke up in, a black spaghetti strips top and a flimsy short that barely covers her butt cheek. Her hair, dyed a light brown and is slightly curly, every time she shifts it to the sides, bearing her shoulders and collarbones, I wonder if it makes the guy flutters. The guy, pleasantly plum and seemingly in his 30s, is, in contrast, wearing office wear and have his hair already waxed. His double chin protruding as he lean forward, across the table and nearer to the girl. But she’s the one who made contact first, gently rubbing his arm, “there there” … Maybe I have enough people-watching today.

But then again, am I people-watching or writing this from some distant blurry memory?

Time: 11:11AM

Used to be a cute time of a day which we would even announce in class (by that I mean secondary school days LOL) to make wishes. Just for fun of course but still with a bit of hope. Now I stared at the time and I’m not wishing for anything anymore.

Time: 11:13AM

I think what I have been writing has been quite “choppy” thus far. Like picking up a book, selectively reading a few pages before opening up another book again. A guy is sitting at the table behind me, and has been reading for a good half an hour or so. I wish I can settle down like that and indulge in reading. I do have a book in my bag borrowed from the school library, titled “Passion without Reason”. NO IT IS NOT “THAT” KIND OF PASSION HAHAHAH.

It’s a book about altruism, a book seeking why people give without seeking something in return. But of course I’m not seeking answers, maybe just another perspectives, another peek at someone’s attempt at reasoning this. Not sure if I will get around to reading it, or remain, the frog in the well.

11:43AM

I got distracted reading someone else’s writings on her personal site. Made me wonder have we ever realized just how much we’re close to someone’s pain and how much we have actually meant to them when we were able to bring them joy.

I think I am actually on a very fine and vulnerable line of being optimistic and pessimistic. … And now I am currently wobbling on that very line.

11:49AM

OKAY I WILL STOP BEING WISHY-WASHY. So speaking of being wishy-washy, towards the end of this semester, I was made to face with one of the hardest decision-making moments in my life. ... And that, will be the story I will be writing another day. LOL.

Labels: Books, Life, Rants, Updates

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