I am forced by the passing of time, the transition of life stages, and the expectations of society to grow up and to behave like a "grown-up" (whatever that would constitute). But here, I would just be a little childish, a little self-centered, a little irresponsible, a little too honest but also a little too pretentious.

24, and still counting.




Kept all my past posts intact because my past was what made me, me. Deleting them doesn't change who I am so I revisit my memories sometimes, to learn and to laugh at my past mistakes.

(Just kidding, I revert some posts to drafts because I'm utterly embarrassed.)


January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
October 2012
November 2012
April 2013
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
October 2013
November 2013
December 2013
January 2014
February 2014
March 2014
April 2014
May 2014
June 2014
July 2014
August 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2014
January 2015
February 2015
March 2015
April 2015
May 2015
June 2015
July 2015
July 2016
October 2016
December 2016
January 2017
March 2017
April 2017
May 2017
June 2017
July 2017
October 2019
December 2019
April 2020
May 2020


Designed by: Ahting

Kept going out with those three ladies recently . Ended up forgetting who i told what and somehow keep prepeating my stuffs to the same person or share a joke with the wrong person . Oppos . Feeling a part of myself dying day by day , wasting my life away . Today was another lame shit school day . They call it de sports day . But seriously , it more like , idk , a show for moe that we are ... Sporty ? Plainly speaking , it wasn't much fun . Not that i tried much to find fun . :X

Ytd had chinese compo test after school . Think i'm going to flunk it . Agains . So i hope that by some miracle , the length will help pull up the marks by a little bit at least . Lawls . I choose the 'write about how one small incident touched your heart and made you do some reflection' qns . The other option , news article reflection , ishh actually easier but i was scared that i've no time to finish it cause normally i crapped a lot for those kind . So i anyhow made up a story in de end . Getting worse and worse in writing those type of compo . Mixing too much of crappy emotions that eventually gets me off topic . It used to be only family-related topics that i cant do well in . But now , anything that has got to do with my emotions ? I fcked it up .

Went Kellie's house tgt with 2 other girls and 4 other guys . Actually din really wanna go at first cause it seems like it'll be really awkward which ishh really what happen at first . But after a while , actually , ishh a long time , then we started having everyone having fun tgt . ... Thanks to two water hose and a stack , no , two stack of poker cards . (Y) I'm glad i have fun . Glad i had somewhere to go when i dont wanna to go home , glad i have friends who pei me when i felt so alone . I hope i made them happy , like how they make me smile deep from my heart , ♥

` I dont want to hurt anyone . Esp her . Cause i love you and you love her , i cant hurt you so i cant hurt her . But i can hurt myself . For i know my own weakness , and i wont aim at it like you do .
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Having the slackiest days ever recently . Like seriously , teachers not coming classes , sleepy mindless lessons , shopping after school ... Days before the mad exam week . And i know , by next week or probably this weekend , i'll regret not cherishing my time and studying . But nevertheless , seeing my new purchases , mad love die them . Having a new love with rings , double rings especially . ♥ But it's not easy to find a nice nice double ring that cans easily go with the clothes i have .

So call stalking people randomly , ( despite all the upcoming tests , i'm here wasting my time ) , though it's not something i usually do . The stalking i mean , i waste my time alot de . :X I'm pretty much a self-centered person who dont really care about the rest of the world ( aka , people who i'm not so close to , who really ishh , ) beyond my world . So whenever i heard something new about someone , like the latest gossip about what-and-who-so-ever , i'll be like amazed somehow . Amaze at how people i know will know things what i dont know ( ... which happens well , more than half the time ) and amazed at how other people's life can be exciting too . Frankly speaking , i'm what people call ignorant .

So anyways , i was seeing how people was like scolding others on social networks , then i was thinking , eeeeeee so vulgar , then i realise , heys ! That's what make it interesting . Then i look back at my blog posts and i realise i've got that melancholy aura . But my past posts . Horrible die ttm . I cant even bear to read them myself . And maybe , 20 years down the road i cant read this either . Things always changes somehow . I know i did . Anyways , i was talking about vulgarities and somehow , it has become a horrible habit of my daily life . Perhaps i'll declare one of the days in the week to be a "pure" day and there'll be no vulgarities / dirty stuffs . Gotta be pure on a "pure" day . Thursday maybe . Cause i hate Thursday . :X

Today champs was eat shit please . Relationship talks / sex educations in school have never failed to be boring and awkward and hilarious and lame at the same time . And today was no different . Though this time de teachers are like the best among all i've endured . And this time , i seriously had no one on my mind throughout this whole lesson . Personally , it feels saddening yet amazing at the same time . .... And suddenly , i'm at a loss for words . :/
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Without knowing it , LCD camp somehow saved my life . I was seriously considering suicide . Thinking about giving up on life , giving up on everything . For , frankly speaking , i wont be sad if i had to leave tmr and leave everything behind . I thought i'm alone , thought i'm no longer loved . But that second night in LCD camp , where at first , we were jumping around like mad . My legs were breaking , ( it was even more exhausting than standing behind in band ) , but i felt like i was on drugs , and i never let myself stop . For i wanna be on high as long as i cans .

Then we had this emotional ending . Where they want us to reflect . They played these emotional songs . And till now , i still remember the words i saw clearly on the screen , '绝不放弃' , there were many other touching words . But when i saw those , i let myself feel the pain i've been rejecting myself to feel for the past few days , i embraced the pain , and i allowed myself to believe that i cans get through it . For , somehow , it felt like someone knows how i'm feeling , my secret suicidal thoughts , and they are trying to tell me , dont . Dont you dare give up .

All the different songs , made me think of a lot of people , my teachers , my pri sch friends , my jieyin shini charmaine alicia (whom i was gonna text then) , my keesiaoers , my chenxi isabelle (imytwo . i had a vision of us eating in the canteen sia) , my exes , my percussion , my close besties , my threejumboo ... In a vision faraway , i saw all of them , but among all of them , my eyes focused on you . I thought of the things we went through together , what we used to have , what i still want to experience with you . But in that vision , i saw you walking away . I saw your back facing me , and walking away . And not once did you turn around .

LCD camp was the first camp that i really connected myself to . I rmb , how i could give up during camp , there was this time i was so sian i went home halfway during band camp in year 1 . And this other time , where most people was highing and i went to solo emo occassionally . But in this LCD camp , i amazed myself at what i've done , what i've manage to achieve . There were times where i felt like i'm drifting away from my Jumbo girls , but i realize that deep inside , i believe that they'll be there for me , they'll be there waiting for me . And i din have that feeling for very long ler . It made me feel safe . That feeling , called trust , ♥

` 我不会再认输了:)
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And again , i proved to myself that i am stronger than i think . Guess it's not the end of the world , when you lost everything , the pillar of support / "cornerstone" in your life , you just have to built or find another stronger and better one yourself , and hold it there for as long as you cans . And i realised , that's what i've been doing all this while . Buying my time .

Classes have been horrible . Been going to school earlier recently , for i like the quiet solitude in the class before everyone arrives . But waking up that early means i've less energy for the rest of the day , so recently falling asleep in class . And quite a few teachers already express their displeasure at my lack of concentration . Today being the Geography teacher , was caught sketching in class today and wasn't really able to answer his questions properly . Idk why , i'm in the wrong , but at the moment i felt so stubborn that i gave him the black face . And i think it made him seriously pissed . Cause previously he caught me using fone in class then very bu shuang already . But now i still like that . I hate my attitude .

Ytd had NAPFA . Like shit like that . I've always been proud to say that i've gotten a gold for NAPFA every year , but apparently not this year le . Ytd de 5 stations started with pull-ups , then i think i wasn't doing it right , so the teacher started screaming into my ear and totally not counting for like , even though i did like 5 or something already he counted 2 only , then in the end i got pissed with his horrible attitude (unbelieveably worse than mine) . And according to his counting , i did 9 only . If i've done one more , i could have gotten a C and get Gold sia . Cause all the other stations (excluding 2.4km run which i got C) i got A already . I'm really upset . For the fact that he wont even consider gving me a secong chance .

Recently Cca came to a halt . And i tried to take this opportunity to heal my heart . Lawls . I really dont wanna bring all the bad emotions to band when it starts agains . And during this time , i found my new love , shopping . ♥ Went to hardcore window shop recently with Amy (L) , while i tried to open up at the same time . In the process , i realise that i really hide too much on the outside . I laughed , with tears in my eyes . I play , with a hole in my heart . I smiled , despite the pain . Sometimes , it makes me wonder , if i dont say anything , am i lying ?

Oh and before i end , i confess that i've found another new hobby too . I'm starting to love playing running notes on my piano and strike random chords . I love playing chords , for i love the sound of the notes harmonizing . ... Though i really should go tune my piano soon .
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The standard was very strict this year but we manage to get our gold back . :D I wish i could share that moment of joy with everyone , i was so happy , i wish i wont be THAT happy cause i'm scare i wont ever feel THAT great ever agains . If you know what i mean . And i kept wishing that i could perform and relive that moment over and over agains . Ms Chan . I really love talking to her . And i wish i could do that more often . But idk why , when talking about band , i always have this feeling that i dont have the right to do a lot of things . And it makes me really sad deep inside . :/

Recently vulnerable . Like , tears flow down without control at the slightest talk about stuffs , especially studies somehow . I always complain and whine about how people could not see how hard i've tried , maybe they're right , maybe i'm not trying hard enough . Maybe i'm not doing enough to let others see . Now i'm worried that i cant do my A levels anymore . I used to think that , when the time comes i definately wont fail de , but now , i dont think so anymore .

Was trying to find people to go out with the other day . Me antisocial loner , couldn't seem to find anyone . I miss those time , when i rush off to meet you . When i seem to be your first priority and you always come when i ask for you . But now , it seems like you're living your life and i'm living mine , and the only time i cans talk to you ishh late at night . I wish you'll know , how i'm waiting beside my fone all the time for your message . I wish you'll know that i really meant all that ily , ♥ And that i want you back .


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I wasn't sure of what i'm doing , yet i've manage to get through it all .
My legs were shaking , my cramps hurting , yet i've got the appaluse i wanted in the end .
I thought i'll break before the week even begin , yet i'm feeling better and better alr .
And i want to thank the people who in one way or another helped me get through it all better than i expected this week .
Gladys (L) for putting up with my numerous mood swings , Kellie (L) , Amy (L) , Jia Hui (L) , Yilong (L) for talking to me (HAHAHHA Jokers) , Sally (L) , Sarah (L) , Mr Chan (L) it wont be possible without your support and guidance , and of cause , Baby (L) , i could never have done it without your being there for me , especially when everything hurts so much and you just let me whine and whine , ♥

It has been like a mad race week (and i'm not even near the weekend) . It was like running a never-ending marathon and today being that moment in which i cans slow down and catch my breath . It feels good , to look back and see the distance i've covered within the past two days and today . Monday , i had my physics test and NAPFA 2.4km , Tues was geog test , today i had my IU day quiz event and it all went better than expected . I worked harder than usual , slept later than usual , woke up earlier than usual (to go for band in the morning) and felt more breathless than usual , but it was all worth it . Really , when i heard how the year 3s cheered when i was standing on the stage being the MC , i concluded that it was all worth it . And i enjoyed that tear of joy , :D

Finally had my new spectacles . Eyes hurt lesser than usual . Though i kinda regret changing frames now cause everyone (including me, currently) prefer that unique black and orange glasses . :X But wearing this new specs made me feel more mature , and i had that feeling i had back then when i cut off my long hair . When i made up my mind about growing up , about settling down , about some stuffs . IDK if it'll be just another fleeting decision , but i feel different already .

You'll never know how happy i felt when you said that you would cherish me more . You'll never know what it's like , finally getting something you want after waiting for so long . ♥
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In the very stress period again . Exams and particularly , SYF . Hope blogging will help me release a bit of the tension . Had a pretty horrible April Fools yesterday and it's not because i was pwned . The thing ishh , it wasn't fun at all . No fun , no nothing . Lawls .
Do you know what it's like to have your eyes misted , and having to hold it there . To want to let it out and yet you're forced to keep it all in . To want to find someone but dunno who to call . It's a really horrible feeling , to be left hanging there , desperately wanting to hold on to something . I read this story de other day . It's in chinese uhh , i anyhow translate . The actual text ishh of cause more thought-provoking . Sorry . :x

A guy and a girl has been in a relationship for six years and recently , their relationship seems to have staled . The girl felt insecure and wanted to test the guy to see if he still love her as deeply as before so she decided to "disappear" and see if he will worry and come find her . Therefore she off her phone, stog going online, took leave from work and went to hide in her friend's house .
On the first day , she heard nothing from the guy . She tried to stalk him online but he wasn't there and there was no calls or messages from him . On the second day , she was very disappoint to find that he din bother to contact her agains . She gave up all hopes on the thrid day , and she went back to the life before , confirmation with her friends and colleagues showed that he din miss her . A month later , they broke up , reason being that their character din match .
Months later , the girl found out that on the few days that she "disappeared" , her ex boyfriend had gastric perforation and was hospitalised . So , when she was hoping to be missed , he was hoping to have someone to take care of him . And both of them disappointed each other without knowing it . When you were busy hoping for some love , maybe , just maybe , someone else out there ishh waiting for YOUR love .

We always do things for a reason . But as we get tired and stressed and moodless , we forgot what we were doing all these for . I dunno how many times i've heard people telling me , be strong , try harder , do what you say . Sometimes i wish someone would know . How hard i've tried . How high an expectation i've really set for myself . How i'm scared that when i sleep today , tomorrow i will wake up a different person . How i would try not to feel and go cold so that it wont hurt or matter so much . How i've all these rants inside me that i would keep . How i would hold my tears back because i know , crying would get you nothing , just swollen eyes . I dont think my life ishh pathetic or saddening , if even , i think i've led a very colourful life . Not the most inspiring life story , but good enough . Speaking of inspirational story , check out , Carly Fleischmann , a voice found in a silent world .
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