I am forced by the passing of time, the transition of life stages, and the expectations of society to grow up and to behave like a "grown-up" (whatever that would constitute). But here, I would just be a little childish, a little self-centered, a little irresponsible, a little too honest but also a little too pretentious.

24, and still counting.




Kept all my past posts intact because my past was what made me, me. Deleting them doesn't change who I am so I revisit my memories sometimes, to learn and to laugh at my past mistakes.

(Just kidding, I revert some posts to drafts because I'm utterly embarrassed.)


January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
October 2012
November 2012
April 2013
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
October 2013
November 2013
December 2013
January 2014
February 2014
March 2014
April 2014
May 2014
June 2014
July 2014
August 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2014
January 2015
February 2015
March 2015
April 2015
May 2015
June 2015
July 2015
July 2016
October 2016
December 2016
January 2017
March 2017
April 2017
May 2017
June 2017
July 2017
October 2019
December 2019
April 2020
May 2020


Designed by: Ahting

I have always wanted to start my post like this and I finally can! It’s 4am in the morning I’m writing this secretly, hiding from my sleeping family. Bye bye beauty sleep and hello eye bags! It’s kind of sad for me when I cant sleep, especially at night because I have always feel that 睡觉是世界上最大的享受 (translation: sleep is the best thing in the world, P.S. that’s why people sleep after sex, they keep the best thing for the last. LOL.) But anyways I keep waking up at random times recently and mostly I just try very hard to go back to sleep but today I guess I will entertain these loud and noisy thoughts that have been keeping me up, since it’s Friday anyways. We all break rules on Friday.

I don’t even know how to start describing this week for I will definitely leave things out and phrase it such that it changes its meaning. But I like to talk about things in a chronological order so I guess I will begin with Tuesday (cause Monday was Youth Day and my mind took a break on that day so I have no memory of what had happened that day, just that I didn’t do what I was supposed to i.e. studying) Tuesday morning had been really draining because it was a 3-hour 4-essays long history paper and other than how I really tried my best to think and bring the right words out, there were no much mama drama (unless you count my spilling of water all over my skirt halfway through the test).

After the paper I went with a few of my classmates (Yiling, Janice, Wai, Jialing) to Jurong to eat (Sushi Express, was half-tempted to include their opening hours and the location and the “nice ambience” like some wannabes’ blogs but I decided to calm my tits, there will be drama to write about later anyways) and to shop (H&M, do I need to report my buys? Is it what all blogs do nowadays?) Anyways after the retail therapy I went to give myself a treat at the library and did my GP holiday homework. LOL.

That’s for Tuesday. I guess the shopping and stuff made the history paper feels like its ages before so the next day during history tutorial (Wednesday) it felt like really long ago. Is this what happens when you try to live in the moment? Any significant events just gets replaced constantly and everything you’ve done just days ago suddenly felt like months ago. Anyways, I think the history tutorial was the start of my emotional turmoil which I carelessly allowed to be built up over the past week. … Wait there was still the shitty GP lecture before that.

I guess I will talk about the history tutorial first because IDEK where to begin for the GP lecture. I have something very strongly against the lecturer that just the thought about him makes me twitch with annoyance. And having to write about it will make me remember his disgusting appearance and it’s not something you wanna think about at 4am in the morning. But on the contrary, of all the teachers I met in RV, I really respect my history teacher a lot (mostly because he really treat his kids like adults) so I guess it gets to me more than anything else.

The lesson began with talking about the history test the day before (what else) and he said something along the lines of him expect a quality of essays and thoughts that is equivalence to the standard of RI students from us. In my defense, I (truthfully) pointed out that he wrote in my report card: “Xin Ying is not the brightest of students” (it’s a nice way of pointing out that I’m not exactly smart). And he was like why are you still bringing that up blahblahblah and he went on to praise me about my “intelligence” which I totally did not process because he said it so sarcastically and I couldn’t exactly hear it because the class was laughing really loudly after that (someone told it it’s kind of because of the cheesiness of it all that was funny afterwards)

Firstly, just wanna say that I really agree what he wrote on my report card. I think that in my 12 years of Singapore education, this has been one of the most personal and factual report cards about me. It’s true, I’m not smart, and actually I would really like for my parents to realize too, that I have no talent in academics (btw when Singaporean students talk about results, at one point they will have to bring in their parents, it’s like a buy one get one free (BOGOF) kind of thing and Sg has a lot of those BOGOF LOL). I like that Mezzo has put it into words what I’ve been thinking for years. Not that I’m proud of it, I’m just not pissed off about it cause I really feel that it was reflective of who I am.

But during history tutorial he said the stuff he did (I will really love to quote him at the moment so that I can explain this better but really after the first line, when I first hear his sarcasm and the thorns within it I wasn’t really hearing anything at all after that) Maybe I was too sensitive about his words and his tones, I know it’s not something I should take to heart but it coupled with the deafening laughter from around the class, I felt like I was seriously put down and embarrassed for others’ entertainment. (if any of you guys are reading this, no I’m not angry/upset about y’all, it’s just the human thing to do/react like that so no hard feelings cause I’m the only inhumane one, *sarcasm sarcasm* haha)

Even though I don’t always show it, I’m actually a prideful woman and I guess my pride was hurt when he left me no way of fighting back. My angmoh is not as good as his and I have no social experience on what to do when someone drowns you with sarcasm. So when Kaiwen pointed out that my face had become very red, it wasn’t embarrassment of his cheesiness (or whatever others thought Mezz’s words sounded like at that moment) but I was actually trying to fight back tears. LOL. Perhaps it wouldn’t have got to me so bad if someone said “that’s so mean, Mr Mezz” but I guess I was the only one who felt that his words was harsh?
Just another lesson learnt about how you’re truthfully alone in this world.

*emoness seeps in* Okays just kidding. Writing this in the morning calms me a lot and I think it’s able to make my words sound more neutral instead of all the hurt that I was actually feeling at the moment in time. It wasn’t about what he said, it was all just words that form a sentence anyways, but it was his tone and what it had implied at that time which made me uncomfortable. Anyways I didn’t tell anyone this because I wasn’t calm enough to say it and I don’t know how to say what I feel when everyone was laughing about it. And then I kind of lost the moment to talk about it and I didn’t bother to try to mention it after that.

Nothing exciting happened in the afternoon of Wednesday and then come Thursday. I guess my mishandling of my feelings properly still made me emotionally unsound (I wanted to use the word unstable but that’s just exaggerating LOL) in the morning. While I was talking to the Chinese Delight auntie and ordering my food, Alvin Loh suddenly come up to me and asked me where’s my socks, after that he made me remove my earring and after he left I continued ordering my food then I just started chocking up and was crying. LOL. Debut of my inner drama mama.

But the thing is I was still trying to pretend that I wasn’t crying?! LOL. And to curb the chocking up I started giggling. So I guess to the auntie at the Chinese Delight I was a whole mess of giggles and tears and snots. Then the Chinese Delight auntie started tearing while giggling with me! (She explained (in between tears and giggles) that she can’t help but cry when she see other people cry) I couldn’t put my happiness and gratitude into words about how she didn’t ask me to not cry or tell me that hey there was nothing to cry about. And my gratitude leaps over Mount Everest when the granny of the stall came over and started talking about how mean Alvin Loh was, (unreasonably) justifying for me that that was a good reason to cry. LOL

I hate the word cry actually. It’s feels like a pussy word. And like I said, it’s not the words that get to me but how the way people say it. I’m used to people catching me for breaking the school uniform rules, the socks, the skirt, the ear studs etc. A few days back I was just caught by Mrs Loke for my dirty shoes. LOL. But A.Loh has a way of attacking such that you will have no defense (you can’t say sorry cause he will attack more) and no counter-attack (you try to explain yourself he will GL you more). I’ve nothing against him and it’s not a direct aim at him but I DETEST this kind of people. I mean no matter how mean you get, you should always leave a road out for other people, even if they are younger (or lower rank) than you.

You shouldn’t get carried away with your words and shoot people as you please. And with that, A.Loh has shot and killed away all of the respect I have for him. My parents have always told me that in life, you gotta avoid some people and don’t even bother trying to get along with them (backstabbers, people who take advantage of you etc.), so here’s one more to add to the list of people to flee on sight upon meeting them anywhere. Anyways, with that, I gave very negative feedbacks about the school while doing this school survey after the recess break.

Anyways, I think I have just experienced the most ideal way to comfort someone when they cry. It’s better than the words of comfort one usually get (because when you’re upset, the sweetest words sometimes do the most harm). I have kept this to myself till now (I didn’t mean to keep it from anyone, it’s just something you don’t burden people with?) and I’m all up for talking about it (I like to reenact things in my drama mama way and I think I might even be able to make it entertaining LOL) but I think I’ve already said all I have to say and there’s nothing gossip-worthy so there there.

Before I end, just wanna say that being a teacher is not an easy job. As compared to working in the society, you are dealing with beings that are more fragile and you are responsible over them. I respect all the teachers that I encounter but along the way, I lose the respect for some so it’s not fair to say “you should respect all your teachers”. I do, and what does that get me? Teachers always tell us that we kids take everything for granted, but I don’t think it’s just us?

XOXO,
No hard feelings,
Xinying, and occasionally Teh Ah.

P.S. I apologize for the lack of photos (and the many language error, this being another one) but I don’t have time to look for photos and fit them into the post in the morning (I’m giving Yiling her birthday (her bday is on 13.07) present which I’ve prepared since the day before my birthday (my bday is on 15.01) later and I needa do some last minute touch-ups before school and I’m really excited about it but I’m half afraid that she won’t like it cause there’s no telling with that girl so… fingers crossed!)
P.S.S. Thank you Kellie for going out with me yesterday (Thursday) after school, your company has cheered me up a great deal without you knowing it. :’)
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Here’s a nice selfie (IMO) for the pleasure of your eyes. (Sorry about the much filtering but I'm not naturally good-looking so I need some filter help) There’ll be quite a few selfies coming up in this post cause I’m having a good hair day and I’d like to share this joy with you! Anyways I think this will be quite a bimbotic post so if you don’t like those kind of stuff (which I like doing once in a while), better not continue and save yourself before drowning in your own tears of frustration (though I do think my (self-proclaimed) pretty selfies will make up for it).

So anyways, I recently figured out something about myself which makes me really wanna do this post, which will be about: my type of guys. DENG DENG DENG. If le readers complain about me not being personal enough with y’all, now is the time to take back your words. :P So before I begin, I’ve stumbled upon some marriage proposals on youtube and here’s one which reminded me of TFIOS:




After watching that one, I started to randomly watch many others (supposedly) real-life marriage proposal. I think the beautiful thing about marriage proposal, is all the unspoken promises that hangs in the air. (Oh and the courage) Personally, I feel that the best ones are not the elaborated (and unrealistically expensive) ones but the truly expected yet unexpected ones, like the “I know I can only have him as my other half for the rest of my life, but OMG I didn’t expect him to propose” kind of thing. That said, it would be nice to have a really unique proposal though.

When people used to ask me what type of guys do I like, this is what my brain thinks: “Hmmm... I don’t think I have a “type”? I don’t have a list of characteristics (loyal, caring, trustworthy etc.) in mind to tick off when I meet someone or when someone jio me I guess. When I fall in love, I will just fall in love? Then I just take the full package and figure out what I’ve gotten myself along the way.” But this comes out from my mouth: “Hmmm… Buff, dark and mysterious, confident, funny, good skills in bed, double eye-lids, long and slender fingers, understanding, caring...”

For a period of time, I was kind of troubled as I can’t really define the type of guys I like (if you can’t relate to what I mean, it’s the feeling of when an mathematician is unable to solve a math question or when an economist don’t understand the economy), and just said the things that an average Joe will say? Because there is no consistent traits/personalities/appearance between my boyfriends, flings and eye-candies... Though it’s true that I’m a sucker for double-eye-lidded dudes. Speaking of eyes, I think I’ve been mentioning it on my blog for ages but I think the gazes between lovers are really significant to me. One of the things I’d (look out and) fall for is definitely the way my guy looks at me.



So the other day, I figured out that I do indeed have a “type”. And the things I look out for in a partner is very different my eye candies. (P.S. I’ll be talking about three different kinds of “my type” in this post: the candies, the flings, and the one that got away) My eyes can’t help following slim and tall dudes, those kind with the nice and toned and well-maintained body, you know, those with the broad shoulders, tiny waist, perky arse and well-defined arm muscles, the kind of player-looking guys who look like they’ll give you one hell of a good fuck. Have I mentioned that I ADORE staring at guys with carelessly ruffled hair?

I guess that’s for almost every girl isn’t it? Though I can’t speak for those who prefer the cute, nerdy kind. I know I make it sound as though I’m a macho-worshipper which... Is kind of true. I like guys who look like they can hold the rein (my my, suggestive word play). LOL. So I’m kind of embarrassed to admit this but my eye candies are usually the “beng next door” (in Sg context, if it’s in Western context I think I would love the “jock next door”). Side tracking a bit, but I went to google “jock” images and it’s too M18 that it’s slightly disturbing, it’s tons of guys in only their undies. Wtheck has the society changed so much that now jock no longer means sporty high school boys? D:

Just googled the meaning of “girl next door” to make sure that I didn’t get the definition wrong and Urban Dictionary said that “in general, she's the girl whom you always admired from afar and were afraid to approach, fearing that any erotic projection toward her would ruin her image as a decent, pure and almost virginal womanly ideal”. So my “beng next door” means “in general, he’s the guy whom you ogle at from afar and were too shy to approach enjoy looking at but have doubts of claiming, fearing that this character (which will most likely be quite jerk-ish, although I’d rather be proven wrong) would ruin your impression of him, because just by standing there, he’s God’s creation at his best”. ... Am I a girly girl yet? LOL /cues for girly girl selfie/




Who am I kidding... I’ve been a girly girl since I started this post. LOL. On to another spectrum of this discussion, the flings. I’d first like to declare that I’m not a player kind of girl (though I can easily give off those vibes and give people that impression but I do quite take my relationships very seriously (as can be seen from my sentimental and cheesy self and romanticized beliefs) but I have the luck to cross paths with assholes who decide to take HALF a step further, throwing sweet nothings (literally nothing) and empty promises at me. /screech ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’/

But that doesn’t mean I’m held up with these guys (yes it’s plural tense boohoo), though it makes me feel like crap for a period of time, whenever I reflect upon it, I’m really glad that nothing have come out of it all. Now that I think about it though, I think my flings just show how weak-hearted I am especially when I’m lonely. I have no idea what attracted me to them in the first place?! Now my self-loathe meter has exploded from overwhelming self-despise gosh.

I guess I don’t have a so-call type for flings and these are all bad mistakes. Note to self: the next time I flirt, I better make it clear that it shouldn’t be taken too seriously, I wouldn’t have a guilt-free life if I have some victims under my wing. Speaking of flirting, I think girls are more vulnerable to this sort of stuff than guys? Like every once in a while I’ve to remind girlfriends that the guy might just be flirting and the reason why flirt starts with the letter ‘f’ is cause it actually stands for ‘Fake love’. I’ve given up on my ‘True love’ beliefs (Idk when my naivety died either, I just realize that I don’t believe in it anymore) though I’ve been advocated the existence of such myths. Shame on me.

Speak to the hand 'cuz I no longer give a damn!

Lets talk about my “type” for “the one” and wrap this post up. I guess you would call the guys I fall for “the bears”. More than anything, being huggable is on the top of my list in the guy I pursue. Though abs are nice (especially to stare at and drool over), I like my guy to be a little meaty at the tummy cause it’s definitely more practical to have a soft tummy especially when it comes to cuddling and spooning (personal preference!). And the thing about being huggable is not just the built of the person but also the ability to let the person you hug feel at ease and comfortable.
“The best thing about a hug is that you cannot give one without receiving one”

There’s nothing quite like a good hug, the psychological effects are more healing than sex (I think? I don’t know much about the latter but it seems like it’s the most intimate activity for a couple and I’ve heard of its wonders and wolala but I’ve also read some articles on how women doesn’t enjoy it as much as men do and it’s a very saddening thing to hear as one of the female species) And while my relationship goals used to be: "Stay together. Be happy." Now I actually have a very different take on relationship because of what I recently figure about my family.

Four years ago, I still say things like “Aiya I give up on this house already la, it’s not even a place where I can call home?”, “I don’t care anymore, I wash my hands over my parents.”, “This is not even family… I give up.” Now, four years later, I’m still here under this roof. And it struck me that THIS is exactly what family is about. It’s about being there for each other at the end of the day. I will still continue to pass on the message from my dad to my mum and vice versa as they continue their cold war. I will still dote on my brother even if he dishes out my secrets and get me into trouble. I will still stand up for them because if I don’t, who will?

My dad said that I never do anything for him, unlike my brother who seems more mature than me in every way (Mainly cause he helps my dad with his workload. And fyi my dad refuse my help despite my volunteering) But I think I did my part in growing up well. I didn’t run away from home no matter how bad things get, I didn’t turn to cigarettes and booze, I didn’t get myself pregnant and I abide to the law (as best as I could). And though I’m a worrying child (it’s a daughter’s job to worry her parents!), I think if my parents are open-minded enough to accept and see for themselves the me I’ve become, they would’ve been proud of themselves for creating a masterpiecegirl like me.

Okay enough with the self-flattering. But what my parents make me realize about relationship is that firstly, divorce should not be an option, especially when you have kids. My parents could have easily divorced years ago and I will definitely have turned out differently from what I am now but I’m glad that they didn’t separate because I wouldn’t have learnt so much. I guess this is why people say “we thrive in the failure of others” LOL. But I’m glad that I don’t need to entertain the thought of losing my little brother or make the choice of who to live with.

Choosing between my parents is like asking me to chose between eggs or chicken to eat for life, I need both! ... LOL I just equated my parents to chicken and eggs.

I also realize that I want a guy who can handle jokes (fyi, my parents totally can’t) and make me laugh till my side aches. So other than hugs, I guess my next important thing to look out for in a guy, is his wit, from the things he say to the things he do. And my parents showed me that while I don’t need a guy who is completely the same as me, we must at least agree on some principles. For example, I think flirting with someone of the opposite gender is a no-no when you’re attached. (I will give you more than a life worth of cheesy shit and I am your sole supplier)

But the thing is, even if the jokes are always funny, even if there’s always love, being together for 24/7 (okay actually less than that if you minus all the random things like sleep or work in between) will make you sick of each other, especially if you’ve been together for many years (like how I got kind of sick of Running Man now even though the episodes always have something new). But, as with my family, despite all the craps, I will still come home at the end of the day.
And I need a kind of guy who will too.
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