Colour-Fool
Friday, June 9, 2017 | 3:19 PM
Went to National Gallery Singapore yesterday with Kellie (original plan was pool... LOL) and the layout was so confusing (reminded me of Nex LOLLOL). We didn’t look at all the galleries but we did check out a few. And being not so photogenic, we took a few hundred photos to get a few presentable ones. T.T
Was looking through the photo last night and a few inspired me to write some poems. I posted them on my insta-stories but my friend was like, “You will need an artist statement for this HAHAHAH No one will get it” (after I explained it to him LOL) which is why I decided to write this post, dedicated to my amateur writings.
Hmm FYI, whenever I write poems, I try to have some “rules” so that there can be more word play. For example, this poem titled [Best Dressed], the “rules” I created was that every line will only have 2 words and that there must be a punctuation in every line. This was written for one of my weekly assignment when I took the ENGL002 Creative Writing module in Year 2 Sem 1.
The topic of that week's assignment was “I” and the original idea was, how I am one being with many different sides but everyone chose to only see the side which they prefer and I have to keep up with that image they prefer. The "dressing” and reference to the outer-appearance (外表) is used to touch the surface of the issue.
But after writing about "dressing", it became more of a topic of how, the subject have an image maybe not to attract others but to actually get approval. Like how the subject try to laugh off an OOTD-gone-wrong, how the subject try to create a buzz about himself/herself (i.e. "be the talk of town") and how the subject dressed in a certain way even if he or she don't like it so long as it gets the "likes" on social media.
Aiya like I said, amateur writings ... so anyways, here goes the photos/poems which I posted on my insta-stories!
Title: MISUSED (... punctuation)
they said, if
touched:
its colour,
will change.
so hey, turn
grey. for me –
will ya? white
is: too pure.
don’t worry,
being tainted?
isn’t scary.
follow me...
I was looking at this photo and the words came to me. To be honest I really like the colours in this photo, from the blue in the foreground to the white and pink balls in the background.
The first verse was the original instructions given. Like, they said that when we touch the balls, the balls will change colour (apparently when the first ball change colours, it will spread to the rest of the surrounding balls, like a rippled effect). But the reference to the instructions are just the surface meaning of the words. Actually the first verse meant that when people come into contact with one another, they will be influenced and change from who they originally were.
In the second verse, “turn grey” was a reference to "fifty shades of grey". (initially I was thinking “turn black” but I prefer the reference to fifty shades LOL once you go black you can’t go back man) And by pure coincidence, that ball I was reaching for, happened to be white, which is also "colour in its most original form", signifying our original personality before people influence us.
Finally, last verse is like a final coax to be influenced and to change. One might be fearful or afraid of being influenced and getting "tainted", so the final reassurance of “follow me” is like saying, "its okay, ive been there, done that". (I guess I've once been tainted too?)
The rule which was created for this poem is that after every two words, a punctuation will be used. So at first glanced, punctuations are actually used wrongly, hence the title, [MISUSED (...punctuations)]. However, in actual fact, the word MISUSED was referring to the power of influence people abused. ... we have the power to change people's "colour" but instead we tainted them.
Title: Pink Pain
This hot pink mess
I make once every month
gave me nothing
but excruciating pain
But I rather this pain
for its absence born
something I cannot tame
This hot pink mess
I make once every month
gave me nothing
but excruciating pain
But I rather this pain
for its absence born
something I cannot tame
After writing the first poem, I was inspired to write more but I suddenly had very bad mense cramps. So this became a new way to “complain” about it I guess LOL. I seldom use long words in my poems (usually short and sweet simple English words, because the longer the word, the more the syllables and sometimes it hinder the flow of the writing) BUT EXCRUCIATING is the only word that I can think of to describe this cramps LOL
There’s not much “rules” I created for this poem, other than it being two sentences with a main idea each and the last word of both sentences rhyme (i.e. “pain” and “tame”). Oh but my favourite word in this poem is “born” because it’s kind of like a pun. The first meaning is that it “brings” something I cannot tame, but the second meaning is referring to the “birth” of a baby (that is, if I miss my mense LOL).
The flaw of this photo and poem, is that ideally, it’s “red” (cause mense blood LOL) rather than “hot pink”. But ... If I use “red” I fear that the poem might become too extreme and serious, losing the lighter touch and straight-forward meaning made possible by this poem.
Anyways, I just realized I could also use this photo to write a LGBT-inspired poem and it will be quite relevant because of “Pink Dot”. It’s happening in less than a month (1st July if I’m not wrong). Personally I think it’s one of the few highly successful local movement with its ability to raise awareness and the buzz it creates. Especially since it is now in their 8th year running, I thought that maybe they can move on from being a movement to a programme or something. But as I read up about it when I’m writing this, I realized that there are still endless challenges they actually face to run the event.
Apparently there were some changes to the rules governing the use of Hong Lim Park in 2016 and there are increased restrictions about the participation of foreigners. This actually limits a lot of corporate support (i.e. funding from the multinational corporations) for the event but I think it hurts the individuals more. (I have no idea why the Berlin Wall/North-South Korea border pops up in my head) There are probably couples or friends who are now unable to support their loved ones and stand beside them where they can openly celebrate their loved ones for who they are.
I hope that I can witness a genuine rainbow this lifetime.
“Show yourself please
Oh wrong person”
Makes me wonder
What you expect
When you possess
That rotten heart
You cannot show
This poem was inspired by the photos in which I was half-turning. The first two lines is painting the scenario, of which the subject of the poem was asked to turn around. But the person who called out to the subject, was apparently disappointed by how the subject looked and hastily used the excuse of calling out the wrong person.
The next few lines reflect the annoyance from the subject because he/she was being judged based on appearance but the other person was so shallow that it is actually more shameful (and hence “cannot be shown”). I wasn’t sure what to title the poem at first. Settled on it being disappointment because there were two disappointments here from two different person, at the start and at the end. However, the word is in singular form (i.e. disappointment instead of disappointments) because there is only one real disappointment, which is at the end.
This poem coincidentally started and ended on the same word (“show”) and I quite like that heehee anyways, when I first wrote this poem I didn’t create any “rules” but I decided to do it as I rewrite it here. So the “rules” here are, every line has three words and four syllabus but somehow it doesn’t flow as smoothly as I want it to ... sigh what a disappointment.
Labels: Friends, Life, Poetry, Quotes
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More Than I Can Miss
Sunday, June 4, 2017 | 11:37 AM
It’s been a while since I’m able to indulge in the company of a friend for the whole day. During high school, there’s always friends to hang out with from the morning to the evening. ... Throughout the week. But after graduation, I hardly have the chance to hang out with people outside my family for such extended periods of time. More often than not it's usually just a meet-up for a meal.
Though once in a while, I’d get to hang out with someone for the day ... the ones I can remember most easily are the photoshoot outings I have with Wern (Punggol, East Coast Park), museum trips with Liew (SAM, National Gallery Singapore), random outings with Rio (Botanic Gardens, Adv Cove), chilling with Pui Pui (In My Shoes event, café hopping at Lavender). Cues throwback:
Went to The Chevrons on Tuesday with Kellie and Pui Pui with the intention to play pool but because the pool table was occupied for an agonizing period of time (I think we waited for like 10 mins wa damn sian), we impulsively decided that we’d bowl first. Bowling was surprisingly affordable (I think everything there is pretty much affordable except for the food LOL 10/10 for identifying and distinguishing between the needs vs wants and making people pay for it). I also don’t remember bowling being this fun.
Yours truly have never been one that is confident in bowling, and there’s something about standing at the alley with all the lighting that makes people nervous (especially if in your memory, more than half the time the ball you throw rolls into the gutter). But this time I tried concentrating to think about how to throw the ball and how the ball will go instead of how noobie I look in other people’s eyes.
Yes it was more fun and yes I did better as compared to when I was all self-conscious LOL But I think I’m also really grateful for being with Kellie and Pui Pui because it was just really comfortable to be around them so it was really easy to relax. Don’t really need to be a pro at anything but idm being a pro at having fun heehee. (MY-BEST-FRIEND-FROM-UNI if you're reading this, we both know there's *something* I'm definitely damn pro at HAHAHAHAHA /winks winks/)
ANDDDDDD the next day I got to spend it with Chen Xi (YES SHE’S FINALLY BACK FROM UK OMG). We literally ate non-stop (except for 100 minutes in between when we were caught off-guard by a terribly disappointing movie. It would have been better if we just watch it to chillz but damn we were expecting tooooo much from the movie thanks to the trailer LOL the trailer over-sold the movie really) okay but Gong remains the best movie buddy (just missing Belle).
Eh no joke hor we really ate non-stop. Met for brunch at Sushi Express before catching the ridiculous movie. Then had bingsu before travelling to Holland Village to eat the Crystal Jade Xiao Long Bao BUFFET LOL. I LOVE XIAO LONG BAO. Woah but the food coma thereafter is real though LOL
Anyways, it’s been a while since I listened to people just talking endlessly about their life with me and having someone listen to me talk about my own (while understanding where I’m coming from). Actually it is okay if the listener don’t understand (TOTALLY USED TO IT LOL I don’t think I tell stories that well anyways, it’s amazing you even read till here LOL) but I really felt that she was listening and was actually interested in what I have to say. And I think for that, that day really makes it one of the best days of the summer yet.
I also wanna write about what a great time I had with John yesterday but...
Dad just invaded my room to unleash his stress (as I continue writing this post). Shouting “Every time at home always hiding in your room being busy. So busy still got time to go volunteer?! Do what volunteer when there’s so many things to do at home?!”
It just made my emotions fell from tired to plain exhaustion and fear and pressure and stress. To know that he is in one of his bad moods again just makes it so difficult to breath like I just realized I’m on the edge of my seat before he officially begin another episode. (I have no idea what he’s throwing around the house at the moment but the anger from the sounds of the things he threw around made really makes my heart fall to the ground too)
Yesterday we had another Campus PSY training session conducted by Over The Rainbow, and they talked about emotions. A lot of times we say things like “I am happy”, “I am sad”, “I am excited” etc. but we tend to forget that we are not our emotions. Our emotions are what we feel but not who we are. So I’m currently trying to take a step back to detach myself from these negative emotions and to think about who (or what the fck) I am.
Okay but it’s really difficult to even think because I haven’t even catch my breath and I remain, at the edge of this cliff. (sibei drama... actually is the chair but she says cliff LOL)
Question: If this my life, why can’t I do the things I want to do? Why am I made to feel guilt and that I’m wrong for wanting to do my own stuff?
Extra: The mental pain has just became physical, my stomach is churning and my head feels like it is splitting apart.
Confession: Have I ever regretted doing certain things in my life? Yes. Hitting my own head and killing the connections between the neurotransmitter and making myself more stupid by doing something extremely stupid.
Plea: Please don’t tell me things like “Why don’t you try this?” “Actually you should just...” etc. What makes you think I haven’t tried? Why do you think I never tried?
So... At the end of the day, the final solution is death...? (LOL my dad just threaten me with it like “okay lor I just do until I die lor then y’all happy”) Oh oh? Join the queue
Omg my brother just told me, “wa I wish I can just die” and it makes me really sad.
Okay this is really my last remark. I finally understand why the SOS trainers who conducted the peer support session said, “Do you think the people who committed suicide really wanted to die? Their actual objective is to get out of ‘it’ and death is (seemingly) better than what they are going through” ... Indeed. This is why I'd rather sleep for dreaming is better than the reality.
To many who wonder why am I still so passionate about the social sector (doing the Campus PSY, volunteering at IMH, being so invested in Conjunct) and helping others? (i.e. Why I so kaypoh about other people when I am in deep shit myself?) ... Because I know how painful darkness is as it engulfs you and if I have the ability to, why not shine the light for others?
Update @ 2:52PM
Best response to EMO RANT by 'MY-BEST-FRIEND-FROM-UNI':
Thank you. My heart is warmed and slightly brighter. (... even though you reply late LOL)
Anyways, I will push on, survive today and the day after. Well done me.
Update @ 3:06PM
Best friend jiu shi best friend! ... Meanwhile, there's me....
.......... Thank you friend :')
Labels: Death, Depression, Family, Memories, Updates
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