I am forced by the passing of time, the transition of life stages, and the expectations of society to grow up and to behave like a "grown-up" (whatever that would constitute). But here, I would just be a little childish, a little self-centered, a little irresponsible, a little too honest but also a little too pretentious.

24, and still counting.




Kept all my past posts intact because my past was what made me, me. Deleting them doesn't change who I am so I revisit my memories sometimes, to learn and to laugh at my past mistakes.

(Just kidding, I revert some posts to drafts because I'm utterly embarrassed.)


January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
October 2012
November 2012
April 2013
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
October 2013
November 2013
December 2013
January 2014
February 2014
March 2014
April 2014
May 2014
June 2014
July 2014
August 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2014
January 2015
February 2015
March 2015
April 2015
May 2015
June 2015
July 2015
July 2016
October 2016
December 2016
January 2017
March 2017
April 2017
May 2017
June 2017
July 2017
October 2019
December 2019
April 2020
May 2020


Designed by: Ahting

Initially I wrote a paragraph explaining why I didn’t continue from my previous post then suddenly my computer hanged and during the time which the “blue screen of doom” flashed in my face, it got me wondering why do I even bother to explain why I’m writing about this instead. Sorry guise, I feel more strongly about this situation at the moment than the three books right now so... Here goes a rant which I am skeptical about sharing because I don’t always do rant posts. (Simply because I don’t wanna be anymore bitchy than I already look LOL)

I had a fight with a friend the other day. Well I’m not sure if using the word “friend” (nope, I’m not talking about my ex - the “friend” here but I literally meant the word friend LOL such unnecessary confusion) is appropriate because it’s more like acquaintance now. So let’s name this friend-turned-acquaintance: “Argh” (OMG I’m so bad with these naming thing my kidsss are in deep shit man... They’re going to be potentially ostracized thanks to their idiotic clueless mother LOL ...there is this high possibility that I might name my baby “Awww” sia LOL).

The only good thing out of the whole incident is that “Argh” made me realize some principles I hold regarding friendship. OMG ARGHHH DAMN WASABI!! ... Sorry, yours truly is trying to enjoy some sushi for supper and made the wrong move of shoving down salmon sashimi spammed with wasabi (what is wrong with me... I usually don’t even eat wasabi anyway). But anyways, I just felt steam coming out of my nose for a moment there. ARGHHH ... Okay guise I just realize what a bad nickname I gave for “Argh”. YES I AM REPENTING. But I still need to move on with the story right? On a side note, the Jap rice of Edo Sushi sucks.

I’m no saint and I don’t pretend that I am one so I admit that I was the asshole who made “Argh” pissed off. What happened next can be summarized into this situation: I stepped on an invisible landmine. Okay that wasn’t the situation in its entirety. It was more of: I stepped on an invisible landmine while wearing suicide bombs.

My mental state that day wasn’t well to begin with and I had some unsettled issues that are troubling me. But I pretended and lied to myself that I will and I can dissemble these suicide bombs before... but as usual, life decides to strike before I can even fix myself. Well, maybe I can only blame myself for not seeking help first or talk to someone around me but... with what followed next, it convinced me further that I shouldn’t find people as shelter and built homes in people.

“Remember why you stopped. Remember why you fucking stopped.”

After making “Argh" pissed off, I tried to ask if “Argh” was okay. Well... Given the choice, I would rather talk to the wall. The coldness and the distant response immediately reminded me of “Friend” when he was having his unreasonable fits (Seriously Leos... I can never deal with angry, self-righteous Leos. I’m so glad Shirley has never gotten THAT angry with me before. I don’t ever wanna lose her man). Anyways, being the emotional wreck that I already was, I should have been given an award for not breaking down then and there. /Pats on the back for the Teh/

But despite how I was treated, I knew I deserve it (Wait, do I? Is it reasonable for people to trample on my feelings and crash me like trash just cause I’ve done something wrong? I don’t know man... But if I can chose, I would so rather physical torture than this mental torture... I’m too sensitive and vulnerable to go through all these. Can’t believe I lost appetite and cried myself to sleep a few nights for all these bullshit. Dammit I sound so weak I’m disgusted by this pitiful narration). But anyways, as it’s the only right thing I can think of doing, I apologized.

Just so you know, it appears that I wasn’t forgiven. Nope, there were no indication of whether I was forgiven or forgiveness was in consideration. But like how I deal with all my relationships with people, I always believe that “I would rather lose an argument to you than lose you to an argument”. So I tried to talk it out. I always believe that communication was key to establishing healthy relationships. But guise, it doesn’t matter once the other party is not keen to listen to what you have to say to forgive you. It doesn’t matter if the words are heartfelt or not, doesn’t matter if you’re ready to bare your heart and risk being vulnerable, doesn’t matter if you’re prepared to bend your principles for someone to mend something broken.

“Argh” told me that may this be a lesson for you. To “Argh”, the lesson I should learn is probably “saying things at the right time – when to joke and when to be serious” and that “reputation matters in the adult society”. But thank you for the way you acted “Argh”, because I managed to learn more than that.

“If you cannot accept me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best. Vice versa.”

That was a principle I applied for my relationships starting last year. And I realize now that for me, it’s not just with guys, but with friends as well. At my best, I can go all out for my friends, be the pillar of support for them, make them laugh as much as I can, getting things for them even when I’m short on cash simply because the things I saw reminded me of them and all I want, is to see that smile and happiness in them.

But at my worst, I am just human. I’m not perfect and I err. I say the wrong things at times, I hurt others’ feelings without meaning to and I sin. I can be unreasonable and dumb, act on impulse and doing stupid things to make worry to get attention and whatnot. I try to inflate my strengths to increase my self-esteem and I get jealous and selfish and perform all kinds of ugly traits you can list, but simply because I am just human.

For the record, I tried to talk to “Argh” four times after the accident I created. The first two, I got the cold shoulders. (I teared both times. Seriously... Waste my tears). The third one I got a dismissive response after I apologized. And for the last straw (I got angry in the middle of the conversation, leading me to vent here. By the way, that was three days ago and it still affects my mood now ARGH), I was reprimanded and nope I am not forgiven. The line that “Argh” said that got to me was, “Things might not be the same again cos I am really quite upset”. And to me, it sounded like, “If this is what you are, I cannot accept all of you”.

Well, right back at you!

I guess I got angry because “Argh” made it sound like I haven’t been hurt by other people’s words before. Like I’m not in his/her shoes and he/she has all the right to be angry. Well, I have been deeply wounded by people’s harsh words before too. There was once when I even apologized even though the other person is at fault simply because I do not want to lose the person. But “Argh’s” decision of not forgiving me (well, there was no indication anyways), made me realize that to him/her, I’m disposable. And that his/her pride and reputation is more important and since I’ve kind of stepped on those precious things of his/hers, I shall not be forgiven and shall be treated coldly.

Well, if I’m younger, I might bend more to please him/her. But I’m too tired to bother with this kind of meaningless relationship. I realize that at the end of the day, these kinds of people will just be acquaintances anyways. Let’s say I stepped on this landmine of his/hers today, I compromise, and bent my principles to mend the relationship. What happens if I step on another landmine next time? Kneel, beg and cry for forgiveness again? If that person’s forgiveness is so hard to come by, just what am I worth to that person?

I know I’ve hurt you this time around. But I’m sorry for being human, I want to be a saint too. But because I made a mistake this time round, you let it override all the heart to heart talk, happy moments and side-aching laughter we had together. Well you’ve hurt me too and I guess we’re even since I won’t forgive you either, cause I’m always stubborn in my own way. Yup, I can be EXTREMELY unforgiving when I want to be.

P.S. Sorry guise, no photos for this post because I am THAT upset! GASP!

Labels: Quotes, Rants, Relationships, Theory

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It’s been ... quite a tiring morning. Got woken up at 5:30am by nothing in particular (maybe murderous radiation from my phone right beside my pillow) and of course the natural reaction should be to roll over and go back to sleep. But somehow I just started tearing and soon my pillow was damped. I wasn’t feeling particularly sad though so I was really puzzled by where these tears came from. Usually I feel refreshed after crying, it’s like... getting a warm shower after a sticky (with perspiration) and humid day (#singaporeanproblems). But I know that in general my tears flow out after being accumulated for too long due to some happenings (suddenly I sound like a cloud that brings rains LOL).

So I began to think about what might cause these tears (which btw, abruptly stopped the tears... is that normal?!). Was it the stress from university admission? The feeling of incompetence when other applicants/competitors already found their way and have a place while yours truly is still here, waiting. Okay, possibly. Was it from the grievance of last night when my dad was having one of his unreasonable outbursts? Hmmm... Likely, since I just went to sleep right after that unresolved conflict. Or was it from the discomfort of having an unsatisfactory conversation/interaction with people that took place? Urgh I can’t decide.

I guess I shall try my best to explain this stomach-churning and unsettled feeling I get from regretful conversations – conversations that I very much rather it didn’t take place after it taken place.

It’s the kind of feeling that right after I said those words, I regretted having said them. I should have thought harder and refrained from talking and chose silence over the need to fill the air with words... empty words. And it’s like I’ve done something really wrong which cannot be undone and I feel that there will be delayed karma which brings about a bigger mess. Like I’ve revealed a part of me which I shouldn’t have released, leaving me much more emptier (it’s not a grammar mistake but an emphasis) than I already am.

While I (shamelessly) take pride in my interpersonal skills, it’s all these conversations that make me feel like a failure and doubt my social skills. I was so disappointed in myself and my lack of EQ whenever this happens and it seriously damages my self-esteem and mood (usually takes about 5 to 7 days to recover? Not that I always show it though, totally not something to share or brag about LOL). That’s why sometimes I say that I am socially awkward but nobody believes me!! :’(




Speaking of conversations, I realize that while telling each friend about my SMU interview experience, though it was about the same event, each time I say it, I presented it quite differently (unintentionally). So up till now, I’ve told 4 people about it – Wanzhen, Amy, Liew and Kaiwen. And when the medium is different (i.e. text vs real-life conversation), I think the listener also had varied impression of what happened and in turn, different opinions and feelings about it.

So I was thinking, comparing the difference in response, just how much was it due to their difference in personality as compared to how I’ve phrased about what I remembered myself going through and what I told them. Was I more agitated about a particular girl from the same interview group and put her in a worse light when I spoke to a particular friend? Was I more bias towards myself when I was telling it to Amy as compared to when I was telling it to Liew? I began to question myself like this due to the psychology books which I have been reading recently.

“Im so annoyed. This psychology book that I’m reading is contradicting a book that I was reading previously which was contradicting another book that I was reading previously earlier wtf.
They’re based on diff topics but the fundamentals issues raised are like running along similar lines but in different direction ... which makes it controversial wtf”

Just quoting from a conversation that I had this morning to show the agony and confusion that I was in (yes I have a tendency to swear nowadays). The first book that I was referring to in the conversation is “Situation Matters” by Sam Sommers. The second book is called “Deceit and Self-Deception” by Robert Trivers. And the current book that I’m reading (actually I’m reading the second and this book concurrently which proved to be a bad idea LOL) is entitled “Pieces of Light” by Charles Fernyhough (maybe discussing these three books concurrently will also be a bad idea...).

Confession: One thing that I really dislike about me all this while (Sian I know yet I haven’t change this bad habit) is that I have all these flaky and flimsy (sadly) ideas and perspectives all over the place about things and people but I don’t have in-depth knowledge or strong evidence to support my stand and ideals such that when I discuss it with people or put my principles and values out there for discussion, I don’t make a very convincing (or intellectual enough) perception and argument. ): Yours truly is very much disappointed in self (Seriously, I felt like I slapped myself twice in this post already ARGH).

So much as I hate this, now I just might be about to present to Le Readers a very touch-and-go entry about certain interesting and promising topics which really messed up my limited amount of brain cells (basically, just don’t expect too much la aiya). But it’s gonna be the next entry cause I’m tired from all these recalling and rambling already. ):

TO BE CONTINUED

Labels: Books, Depression, Memories, Theory

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WILD PARTY-ANIMAL-TEH APPEARS! /plays pokemon sound effect/

Feeling super alive at the moment so yours truly shall bask in the moment and vomit words out on this personal space of hers! It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that life is this fulfilling heehee. Been going out with different groups of people for the past 24 hours and it’s been really exhilarating – new friends and old friends from CCA, High School, JC and Work. Yes it’s confirmed! I’m one hundred and one percent extrovert! Not sure whether it’s a 24 hours thing though. ... Probably not.

24 Hours ago, I was down at Bugis at the World Street Food Congress 2015 with Dawn, Sharyl and Sici. Saw the event on Facebook sometime last week and sent it to Sici and they spontaneously decided to go for this after work. Those who are close to yours truly should be well aware of the restrictions I get from my strict father, so going for night events like this is rare for me. But against all odds, I went down for the event with them last night and ... DAMN REGRET NEVER DRINK ALCOHOLIC DRINKS OR ELSE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN P-E-R-F-E-C-T.

Personally, I’ve always hated crowds. I’m ok with people and I love people in general but I loathe crowds. Like swamps of people interfering with my frequency and I always become more defensive and self-conscious than usual whenever I’m in a crowd. It gets terribly bad when I’m alone and I get into the ultimate bitchy mode (I call it self-protection mode but with the fierce stance and all I guess people just find it bitchy) so I really need people whom I’m EXTREMELY comfortable with in crowds.

Last night’s crowd was not that bad and one is able to breathe freely but a crowd is a crowd nonetheless and initially I felt really intimidated (intimidated by the food prices also LOL). So the company matters so much to me and I was so glad for Dawnie, Quek and Sici last night. Yours truly was able to enjoy the night breeze and the exotic food in their presence and I didn’t have to put up my guard all night long. Yes I’m counting my blessings. :’)



12 Hours ago, I made my way to Dhoby Ghaut and was initially planning to camp at Starbucks and continue reading the book which I recently borrowed: “Deceit and Self-Deception” by Robert Trivers. Had to go down to town because I have an interview at SMU at 1:30pm and I was meeting Wanzhen at 12pm. But on impulse, I called up Amy and found out that she’s working at Kindsville (Home of Singa and also the building for the Ministry of Culture Community and Youth and the Ministry of Communications and Information) which is in Clarke Quay.

So at the last minute, I jumped off the train at Clarke Quay and found my way to Kindsville (It’s the white building with colourful windows near Fort Canning). It was kind of adventurous cause I dunno what to expect and I was wandering around alone (but aiya Singapore so small confirm won’t get lost one). And I successfully managed to locate the Amy. Heehee. Okay I gotta explain her job before I can even share my experience there.

Basically she’s supposed to give tours to groups of kindergarten students about being kind in the name of Singa and as part of Singapore Kindness Movement. So when I reached, she was busy at one station and had no time to entertain me. Thus, loner Teh went to tag along with a tour group which was just starting. A high-pitched and cheery “What are the five magic words?” was the opening line of the tour which I crashed. “Thank you, Excuse me, Sorry, You’re Welcome, Please,” was the theme and the five magic words that the little kids were supposed to bring home after that tour.

Going there on impulse was a surprisingly good decision because it was such a happy place with all the little innocent kids and joyful people giving the tours. (Confession: I felt really motherly when a little girl asked me for approval of her drawing and colouring and I had this strange urge to be a mother, have kids and raise kids myself LOL wtf) The good vibes rubbed off on me and positively affected my mood for the SMU interview significantly. My heart felt really light and I feel like I can love the whole world for no reason in particular.

I wanted to explain how the tour goes but it’s kind of difficult for me to phrase it so I shall skip it. LOL. Became a “free labour” there and helped them to cut stickers with Amy and it was damn good to talk to her. ... Amy is like my “comfort people”, someone whom I can be with at any time and at anywhere in any situation. On days where I don’t feel like handling anyone but I needa go somewhere with someone (if you get what I mean), she’ll probably be the first person whom I’ll call. :x Well, with that, I guess it’s enough said about just how much she means to me. ... She’s the only friend of mine who has my ex’s number wtf.



Walked from Kindsville to SMU in 25 minutes and met Wanzhen on time! I think the walk was really refreshing because along the way I passed by many museums and monuments with breathtaking architecture and I was so recharged from it (Walking is really my most fav thing to do alone man). Made a mental note to self to visit these museums on a random day as a tourist. Heehee.

Wanzhen honestly saved my life because if not for her, I’ll be extremely nervous, panicky and 100% bitch mode for the SMU interview but she accompanied right till the moment they called us in. IF I luckily passed the interview, definitely has to credit her for her warmth and her presence and for being my “comfort people” for that short hour that I was with her. I’m too blessed when it comes to people already. :’) And I think the best part was that I was able to be myself throughout (no pretentious or competitive or stressed-out Teh at the interview). Amazingly, the discussion with the professors felt like when I was chatting with Mezz about the opinions I have on certain issues.

I guess I’ll be really sad if I failed the interview (okay redundant line because who won’t be LOL) but I guess I will be EXCEPTIONALLY sad because the interview felt really good and today was a really well-planned and spent day. I don’t mean to say that I’m confident about my interview performance when I said that it felt really good. While I may look like someone with high self-esteem, it actually secretly fluctuates and deflates and inflates. I can’t help but be good at hiding it I guess.

But the interview felt good in the sense that I was able to think about issues, share and discussed them. (Maybe I’ll write about the issues we touched on next time cause it’s really quite interesting IMO) Like... I was making a connection with these people and I’m not sure about them but I was sincere in the things that I said and those were my honest opinions. Even if, now that I reflect upon it, some things I said had been too honest/rash for interviews. But oh well, they have the rights to know that this is what they get if they chose to accept me into their school. /shrugs/



Happy vibes heightened after a meaningful interview and rushed off to meet Yiling. Seriously a whole day of meeting my “comfort people” and basically... Aiya, all I can say is one can never grow tired of this intelligent slut man. Watch out girls! This girl is gonna steal your man! ... This was initially meant to be a compliment but... /recalls some inside joke which will remain to be an inside joke/ HAHAHAHHAHA

Woah this post has been seriously long... It’s been a great 24 hours though. Mai Jelly I So Lucky! :P And yeap, the verdict is out, yours truly is definitely a full time extrovert. LOL.

Labels: Friends, Memories, Theory

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So if anyone has noticed my latest whatsapp status update: "Remember why you stopped", here's what I was thinking when I wrote it.



Remember why you stopped relying on people. You cannot expect people to be there for you when you want someone desperately. No one is obliged to help you, to care for you, to always pick you up when you fall. Don’t forget your disappointment when there was no one there for you, remember it, so that you won’t be dependent on people and go through that loneliness again. Remember why you decided to be independent.

Remember why you stopped telling other people your deepest secret. Remember how your own story spread unexpectedly behind your back. Keep in mind that, “Only a few care. Most are just curious.” Don’t forget that raw and exposed feeling you felt when you confessed your innermost worries and how hurt you were when all you got back, were unjustified judgmental accusation. Remember why you decide to protect yourself using your white lies.

Remember why you stopped depending on guys for comfort and affection. Always remind yourself that loving yourself is sometimes more important than having a guy to love you. You do not need a guy’s love to make up for the lack of family love. Don’t forget that most of the time when you do this, it’s not what you’re looking for, it’s not what you deserve, and that it leaves you more broken and empty than complete. Remember why you stopped chasing after useless guys and maintaining meaningless relationships.

I was debating between using "Remember why you started" (for entirely different reasons obviously) but I chose "Remember why you stopped" instead because I prefer the negative connotation that the latter phrase brings. I was feeling slightly pessimistic while I was updating my whatsapp status last night due to reasons that my brain suddenly cannot recall but.... Yeap! Don't say I never say why I wrote what I did ah. ... Oh wait I remember why I was feeling sad liao. But it's super embarrassing now that I think about it so I'm not gonna share it afterall. Hahahhaha. Yes I'm a bitch like that. Hahahhaha. :p
P.S. If I meet you, I will tell you if you ask.

Labels: Quotes, Relationships

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