These nights never seem to go to plan
Sunday, July 9, 2017 | 10:36 PM
I opened up, not expecting to be filled.
Now my heart’s full, when I least expect it to.
Time of writing: 0025, 9 July 2017 (Sunday)
The past (FULL) 24 hours, I was hanging with my friends from high school, specifically, RIVER VALLEY HIGH SCHOOL. HAHAHHA Met Chenxi, Gladys and Kangtze at like 11pm to go Kangtze’s house to play mah-jong (so weird, I typed and it autocorrected mahjong to mah-jong... excuse me? I’m the Chinese here and I dictate that mahjong is mahjong without the hyphen so stop giving me these red squiggly lines!!)
Just thinking about the night again made me realized that it’s so different from hanging out with my University friends. By the way, there is no “better” it’s just... different. For one, we laugh at totally different things, really the silliest of all things. I don’t know how we can laugh for more than 3 hours about coins which were hidden (each time it was brought up wtf LOL). And I don’t think my Uni friends will laugh that hard, till we’re almost out of breath, about overflowing beer which was poured and spilled beer which was kicked.
And we talk about really different things. There are more common friends between these old friends, stories which we already knew and which we can pick up again here and there. Updates were easier because the background and the context was already there. And it was even easier because sometimes, they were there with you in that time and space. And you can recollect it together, instead of alone. ... I guess that’s what make long-time friends really really precious.
Time of writing: 0930, 9 July 2017 (Sunday)
That said, I really love my new friends made these few years too. And I’m quite excited just thinking about the years ahead together. When we have enough history to look back and laugh at who we were back then. It’s really much easier, relaxing and refreshing to talk about healed scars than open wounds. (I’m sorry if this part got confusing... It’s slowly turning into an analogy as I typed. LOL I can’t help it though... It’s the way I see things sometimes sobs)
It’s really nice to see your friends growing well. It’s really nice to fall back into a momentum you knew, to crack a joke that you know would definitely get you laughter. But most of all, I think it’s really nice to see that you still have these people in your lives, and they were not lost along with other things, in the passage of time. ... Is this getting too cheesy?! LOL
I’d post a photo to commemorate this memory and this moment I’m reliving in my head but we don’t have a decent photo together (everyone really got too comfortable LOL just imagine the most bared/shagged face and scrawniest clothes you can only wear at home LOL) Ok but tbh, even if everyone don’t look photo-ready, I’d still really really love to have a photo to remember.
Time of writing: 1715, 9 July 2017 (Sunday)
Anyways, after the mahjong (we left about at like 2 or 3 am?), Chenxi came to stay over at my place. This is only the second time I have someone slept over at my place LOL (first was Amy and it was also because my dad was overseas) ... I’m not sure how we passed the night but I do know that I did not sleep enough ... After waking up, somehow we managed to make breakfast and run my dad’s errand together.
I think it’s nice being able to wake up not having to tip-toe on eggshells, or fear that someone will suddenly start scolding or shouting at you. I wonder when’s the last time I was able to wake up and have a decent conversation with someone without having to go out (or even showered for that matter LOL). I really enjoyed my breakfast (even its just Indomie instant noodles and fried eggs with half a packet of hotdogs wa speaking of which, my poop smelled like hotdogs this morning omg), I’m just glad I din’t have to rush eating.
Met Wern at about 3pm plus and she came over to pass me some clothes. Yes if you finally see me wearing different clothes, it’s cause I finally have some more hand-me-downs :’) But omg the last time I met her was definitely more than a year ago...
To be honest I’m a terrible texter. I reply terribly slowly and I can always MIA (I sleep early (but people seem to love texting at night??), wake up early (when nobody’s awake LOL), and my phone is non-existent when I’m with people). So the only time to properly be with me is meeting up with me (not sure if I’m a good company la but that’s reflection for another day LOL). I talk about this because we weren’t able to meet up, if at all, so I was hardly in touch with her.
I really feel (note the present tense okay, not past tense!!) like a terrible friend because I wasn’t properly checking in on her (not even skyping frequently because I’m so caught up with everything that’s happening, school, projects, and what not). But now and then, she was still there (like reachable, not like yours truly) and I’d even receive heart-felt presents and letters from her, mailed from UK. ... And even now, receiving clothes in SG LOL
And when she was back everyone seemed to have met up with her already but our schedule really CMI. I’m really thankful that she’d compromise me and we finally have some one-on-one time. Saying all these to reflect upon what a terrible friend I am ... to have been receiving so much but gave so little, especially things like time, which is so precious and which I am definitely capable of giving if I try harder than I did. But more important than me, is her.
I mean, just by reading this, anyone can tell that her love for her friends are so unconditional and giving...(bet you cannot even imagine being loved like this hor) ... I'm damn blessed to be a friend she cherish (not sure for what but it’s okay I’m glad AHHAHAHAH) and I think I should really learn from her omg.
Time of writing: 2120, 9 July 2017 (Sunday)
Okay enough with the humble brag of how I’m surrounded by awesome friends. LOL. (ya yours truly wanted to turn the attention back to herself instead of others LOLLOL) Oh if you realized there are time checks here and there, it's not that I took one whole day to write. But I kind of got distracted here and there, sleeping, eating, napping, doing some other work.... too many distractions omg.
Went to meet Yiling, Jialing, Kaiwen and Waihong for dinner with Wern. In celebration of Liew's 21st, we had a crazy zi char meal and atas Strawberry Shortcake at the most un-atas places LOL (prep for surprise but never prep for eating LOL had to go and "borrow" forks and spoons from Food Rep it was quite ridiculous LOL) We hung till about 11pm and when I was walking home, my fear of the darkness was threatening to creep in again. It had gotten better the past year though ... perhaps because I'm slowly getting used to going home late, so I don't get as suffocated in the dark alone.
Still, I got slightly breathless and I thought of my Ex. He'd use to drive me home whenever he can, but if he can't, I'd call him as I walk home from the MRT so that I'd be less afraid in the dark. I didn't call him that night. But I opened his Whatsapp and saw that he was “online”. And my first thought was, “oh lol he has unblocked me”. And then I thought, what if he asked to meet up one day, what are the things we’d say, would we try to pick up where we left off or try to move forward with life?
Since the last time we met, what was the happiest thing which had happened to you?
I thought of this question to answer. Recently I found this a more conversational question than “oh how’s life?” Like I remembered asking Kangtze this and he shared this EPIC thing which happened at his freshie camp and we had a really good laugh LOL. To this question, the first few things which I thought of were like, 17H1 Mag Num, Conjunct outings, being a student care teacher... I can’t really remember a single event or happening though. I just recall these phases of life which were filled with ups and downs but which were really meaningful and memorable.
I thought about whether he’d smile and be proud of how much I’ve grown. Wa this reminded me of something he said right before we stopped contacting each other. Nothing he said towards the end brought tears to my eyes (cause most of which were really harsh words so it just kind of bounce off me like I didn’t really take it to heart). But these things which he said, made me teary because I had felt it with my heart.
(I didn’t save these messages okay... it has been a year or so already? LOL I just screenshot some of the conversations... I’m the kind of idiot who like to save certain words and feelings) aiyo I just re-read it and it made me teary again. Because I realized actually he understood. He knew what was important to me but he wouldn’t let it co-exist along with his presence. I needed my dreams and my passion. (And also my friends) ... As much as I had needed him.
But he wanted me to choose. And when I couldn’t, he chose for me instead. ... He chose to leave.
Actually I’ve not been confronting these feelings. I’ve never really cried after we broke up or got upset/angry etc. And when I talked about it with my friends, I think I’ve been painting him in a really bad light. But when I was searching for this screenshot, I saw some photos of us together. And the good times we had (which I had conveniently forgot LOL) I suddenly remembered. Though I’ve doubted it a lot of times after all the on-and-off shit, I think I’ve really loved him at one point in time.
He had been my comfort zone, my safest haven and my go-to “home”. ... So of course I’d grow a lot after he left, it’s the kind of things you do after you leave your comfort zones. You go beyond things you’re familiar with and then you experiment, learn and grow. I don’t think I’d be so active in the mental health scene if I were still together with him (probably no time to LOL), nor would I be such an alcoholic.
I’ve enjoyed these experiences though and I don’t regret any of it (yes, please jio for drinks HAHAHA). But now that I thought of it, I just wondered why didn’t he want to experience it together with me? It definitely won’t make me love him any lesser, or be replaced. In fact I might rely on him even more, to be my strength as I work on my passion, and to protect me when I try new things (... like hard liquor LOL).
But at this stage, it’s okay already LOL. As I’ve said to him before, it’s not because that I need him, so I love him. It’s because I love him, so I need him. But now... I don’t think I love him anymore.
不是因为需要你才爱你, 而是因为爱你才需要你
Anyways, my heart is full. To the people who filled my heart in your own little ways and presence, thank you. I love you. And I need you in my life.
So much.
So please, stay.
I don’t know how else to say it but please, just stay.
Labels: Friends, Life, Memories, Reflection, Updates
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Never have I ever (yet)
Monday, July 3, 2017 | 9:13 AM
Met up with my favourite group of people from SMU on Sunday (ytd) night. Brb while I count the number of lucky stars I used up to meet them in this lifetime. (Jk if i really go and count, i wont "be right back". Just so so lucky to be able to be with them omg)
Anyways, enough bragging hahahaha. Was just thinking about how human nature reflects itself in even the littlest of things - "the heart wants what it wants". Lost count of the number of times I was given advice to stop doing certain things and logically, I should stop it but alas the heart has no master.
When the group of us were ordering food for dinner, there was this frivolous guy who couldnt decide between getting a fish or chicken burger (HAHAHAHAHA JKJK YOURE NOT FRIVOLOUS. YOU ARE SO SET ON CERTAIN THINGS I CANT EVEN). So being the place where we were at, and judging by the quality of the food there, the rest of us unanimously voted for chicken.
But uh uh, the frivolous heart decides that it craves for fish (even though he said that actually his brain choose chicken). But no surprise that the fish was bought in the end. Logically, the chicken would have been cooked better (marinated, grilled etc. etc.), somewhere else would serve better fish burger, but the body was satisfied because the heart got what it wants.
Even in small little things (like deciding food, I guess bigger things would be like buying stocks, choosing a partner, getting a house etc. Omg speaking of getting a house, my aunt bought this condo apartment a few years back because she felt that it was the "right" house. But the place is overpriced, the feng shui is bad (I dont usually believe in such things but it is so bad its worth a mention omg), the location is inconvenient, ... simply put, there was no case to argue how "good" it is .... wa, it wasnt even nicely furnished), it is difficult for rationality to win.
Even the most calculated move have to make way for the whimsical emotions.
When we were talking and updating about our lives, I felt like it has been a while since I gave good advice. And it got me thinking about it more. Because I had liked giving out good advice, it felt like me being at my best. And I think it happens more often when I was in primary, secondary school and JC.
Was wondering whether it's because it was an age thing. Back then I was like the "da jie" of the group and I took up the role of being the motherly one subconsciously. Now in Uni, everyone is like older, and I became the youngest in the group, so naturally I took the back seat and become the little kid with her silly little decisions.
"Being in a relationship is about giving"
This wasn’t exactly directed to me. But it was one of the things that struck me to the core. Recently I was so so busy seeking, finding, searching, checking off things on my list (i.e. will not have this characteristic like my ex), being demanding so that the other person will “match” me, be “enough” for me. That I forgot that I was much more giving, loving, caring, nurturing, and that I have this capacity to love, rather than emptying out someone.
“You’re now just sucking each other dry, getting the most you can out of the other person.”
... Indeed.
I think a part of me already knew that it had been really bad decisions. And I was doing things I wasn’t exactly proud of. Which was why I haven’t been able to tell people, nor accept that it has happened and that I have let it happened, even though I have the power to stop it from happening. (... wait, do I? Do I have that power really? I’m just a weak human omg who am I kidding)
I think I’ve revealed more than I normally would that night with these gems (seriously la, charmed me so much until I can’t think clearly HAHAHAHAH). And to be honest, I think each of them shared things that are deeper inside them too. There were some things I already knew because we talked individually before. So I was quite surprised when they shared it in a group setting that night.
But more than feeling surprised, I felt really safe. Like we belong in a group where we can trust each other. Two main kind of trust (sorry ah, we from Conjunct so we must sign post especially when we want to drive our points across). One, trust that once the things were said, it remains with the people who were there listening and not beyond. Two, trust that after the things which were said sunk in, the people who were there listening will not be judging.
Although we don’t have the trust with the ‘h’ but it’s okay, (HAHAHAHAHAH JKJK) but really, y'all are more than enough.
(Check out this EPIC "circle of trust" LOLLOL. P.S. funny proportion of faces aside, the skies were beautiful that evening)
From personal experience, the first trust gets broken when someone thinks it’s funny to use others' life story to get laughs from their audience (...probably because their own life not that interesting??). And the second trust gets broken when the people who were there listening couldn't accept what they have heard. Between the two, yours truly values the second kind of trust more. Maybe because with the second trust, the first trust won’t be so easily broken. I mean if it’s accepted like, “Oh... I see... there there.” Rather than, “Huh omg... So you’re like this...” Of course the second response will eventually lead to something like, “EH OMG DID YOU KNOW THAT TEH AH xxxxxx”
... Or perhaps it’s so difficult for me to accept myself, I need someone who can do so in my stead.
It’s funny how I always type type type going LOL and hahahaha, but here and there, there are these “dark”, “emo” phrases. It’s like I can’t be fully happy at one time, and that there will always be this tinge of gloominess. I guess this is what always keep me grounded, so that I don’t get too “high” and “mighty” (refer to a few posts back about how I confessed that I’m a proud person).
'I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be - Stephen Chbosky
Labels: Friends, Life, Memories, Quotes, Reflection
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