Never have I ever (yet)
Monday, July 3, 2017 | 9:13 AM
Met up with my favourite group of people from SMU on Sunday (ytd) night. Brb while I count the number of lucky stars I used up to meet them in this lifetime. (Jk if i really go and count, i wont "be right back". Just so so lucky to be able to be with them omg)
Anyways, enough bragging hahahaha. Was just thinking about how human nature reflects itself in even the littlest of things - "the heart wants what it wants". Lost count of the number of times I was given advice to stop doing certain things and logically, I should stop it but alas the heart has no master.
When the group of us were ordering food for dinner, there was this frivolous guy who couldnt decide between getting a fish or chicken burger (HAHAHAHAHA JKJK YOURE NOT FRIVOLOUS. YOU ARE SO SET ON CERTAIN THINGS I CANT EVEN). So being the place where we were at, and judging by the quality of the food there, the rest of us unanimously voted for chicken.
But uh uh, the frivolous heart decides that it craves for fish (even though he said that actually his brain choose chicken). But no surprise that the fish was bought in the end. Logically, the chicken would have been cooked better (marinated, grilled etc. etc.), somewhere else would serve better fish burger, but the body was satisfied because the heart got what it wants.
Even in small little things (like deciding food, I guess bigger things would be like buying stocks, choosing a partner, getting a house etc. Omg speaking of getting a house, my aunt bought this condo apartment a few years back because she felt that it was the "right" house. But the place is overpriced, the feng shui is bad (I dont usually believe in such things but it is so bad its worth a mention omg), the location is inconvenient, ... simply put, there was no case to argue how "good" it is .... wa, it wasnt even nicely furnished), it is difficult for rationality to win.
Even the most calculated move have to make way for the whimsical emotions.
When we were talking and updating about our lives, I felt like it has been a while since I gave good advice. And it got me thinking about it more. Because I had liked giving out good advice, it felt like me being at my best. And I think it happens more often when I was in primary, secondary school and JC.
Was wondering whether it's because it was an age thing. Back then I was like the "da jie" of the group and I took up the role of being the motherly one subconsciously. Now in Uni, everyone is like older, and I became the youngest in the group, so naturally I took the back seat and become the little kid with her silly little decisions.
"Being in a relationship is about giving"
This wasn’t exactly directed to me. But it was one of the things that struck me to the core. Recently I was so so busy seeking, finding, searching, checking off things on my list (i.e. will not have this characteristic like my ex), being demanding so that the other person will “match” me, be “enough” for me. That I forgot that I was much more giving, loving, caring, nurturing, and that I have this capacity to love, rather than emptying out someone.
“You’re now just sucking each other dry, getting the most you can out of the other person.”
... Indeed.
I think a part of me already knew that it had been really bad decisions. And I was doing things I wasn’t exactly proud of. Which was why I haven’t been able to tell people, nor accept that it has happened and that I have let it happened, even though I have the power to stop it from happening. (... wait, do I? Do I have that power really? I’m just a weak human omg who am I kidding)
I think I’ve revealed more than I normally would that night with these gems (seriously la, charmed me so much until I can’t think clearly HAHAHAHAH). And to be honest, I think each of them shared things that are deeper inside them too. There were some things I already knew because we talked individually before. So I was quite surprised when they shared it in a group setting that night.
But more than feeling surprised, I felt really safe. Like we belong in a group where we can trust each other. Two main kind of trust (sorry ah, we from Conjunct so we must sign post especially when we want to drive our points across). One, trust that once the things were said, it remains with the people who were there listening and not beyond. Two, trust that after the things which were said sunk in, the people who were there listening will not be judging.
Although we don’t have the trust with the ‘h’ but it’s okay, (HAHAHAHAHAH JKJK) but really, y'all are more than enough.
(Check out this EPIC "circle of trust" LOLLOL. P.S. funny proportion of faces aside, the skies were beautiful that evening)
From personal experience, the first trust gets broken when someone thinks it’s funny to use others' life story to get laughs from their audience (...probably because their own life not that interesting??). And the second trust gets broken when the people who were there listening couldn't accept what they have heard. Between the two, yours truly values the second kind of trust more. Maybe because with the second trust, the first trust won’t be so easily broken. I mean if it’s accepted like, “Oh... I see... there there.” Rather than, “Huh omg... So you’re like this...” Of course the second response will eventually lead to something like, “EH OMG DID YOU KNOW THAT TEH AH xxxxxx”
... Or perhaps it’s so difficult for me to accept myself, I need someone who can do so in my stead.
It’s funny how I always type type type going LOL and hahahaha, but here and there, there are these “dark”, “emo” phrases. It’s like I can’t be fully happy at one time, and that there will always be this tinge of gloominess. I guess this is what always keep me grounded, so that I don’t get too “high” and “mighty” (refer to a few posts back about how I confessed that I’m a proud person).
'I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be - Stephen Chbosky
Labels: Friends, Life, Memories, Quotes, Reflection
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