More Than I Can Miss
Sunday, June 4, 2017 | 11:37 AM
It’s been a while since I’m able to indulge in the company of a friend for the whole day. During high school, there’s always friends to hang out with from the morning to the evening. ... Throughout the week. But after graduation, I hardly have the chance to hang out with people outside my family for such extended periods of time. More often than not it's usually just a meet-up for a meal.
Though once in a while, I’d get to hang out with someone for the day ... the ones I can remember most easily are the photoshoot outings I have with Wern (Punggol, East Coast Park), museum trips with Liew (SAM, National Gallery Singapore), random outings with Rio (Botanic Gardens, Adv Cove), chilling with Pui Pui (In My Shoes event, café hopping at Lavender). Cues throwback:
Went to The Chevrons on Tuesday with Kellie and Pui Pui with the intention to play pool but because the pool table was occupied for an agonizing period of time (I think we waited for like 10 mins wa damn sian), we impulsively decided that we’d bowl first. Bowling was surprisingly affordable (I think everything there is pretty much affordable except for the food LOL 10/10 for identifying and distinguishing between the needs vs wants and making people pay for it). I also don’t remember bowling being this fun.
Yours truly have never been one that is confident in bowling, and there’s something about standing at the alley with all the lighting that makes people nervous (especially if in your memory, more than half the time the ball you throw rolls into the gutter). But this time I tried concentrating to think about how to throw the ball and how the ball will go instead of how noobie I look in other people’s eyes.
Yes it was more fun and yes I did better as compared to when I was all self-conscious LOL But I think I’m also really grateful for being with Kellie and Pui Pui because it was just really comfortable to be around them so it was really easy to relax. Don’t really need to be a pro at anything but idm being a pro at having fun heehee. (MY-BEST-FRIEND-FROM-UNI if you're reading this, we both know there's *something* I'm definitely damn pro at HAHAHAHAHA /winks winks/)
ANDDDDDD the next day I got to spend it with Chen Xi (YES SHE’S FINALLY BACK FROM UK OMG). We literally ate non-stop (except for 100 minutes in between when we were caught off-guard by a terribly disappointing movie. It would have been better if we just watch it to chillz but damn we were expecting tooooo much from the movie thanks to the trailer LOL the trailer over-sold the movie really) okay but Gong remains the best movie buddy (just missing Belle).
Eh no joke hor we really ate non-stop. Met for brunch at Sushi Express before catching the ridiculous movie. Then had bingsu before travelling to Holland Village to eat the Crystal Jade Xiao Long Bao BUFFET LOL. I LOVE XIAO LONG BAO. Woah but the food coma thereafter is real though LOL
Anyways, it’s been a while since I listened to people just talking endlessly about their life with me and having someone listen to me talk about my own (while understanding where I’m coming from). Actually it is okay if the listener don’t understand (TOTALLY USED TO IT LOL I don’t think I tell stories that well anyways, it’s amazing you even read till here LOL) but I really felt that she was listening and was actually interested in what I have to say. And I think for that, that day really makes it one of the best days of the summer yet.
I also wanna write about what a great time I had with John yesterday but...
Dad just invaded my room to unleash his stress (as I continue writing this post). Shouting “Every time at home always hiding in your room being busy. So busy still got time to go volunteer?! Do what volunteer when there’s so many things to do at home?!”
It just made my emotions fell from tired to plain exhaustion and fear and pressure and stress. To know that he is in one of his bad moods again just makes it so difficult to breath like I just realized I’m on the edge of my seat before he officially begin another episode. (I have no idea what he’s throwing around the house at the moment but the anger from the sounds of the things he threw around made really makes my heart fall to the ground too)
Yesterday we had another Campus PSY training session conducted by Over The Rainbow, and they talked about emotions. A lot of times we say things like “I am happy”, “I am sad”, “I am excited” etc. but we tend to forget that we are not our emotions. Our emotions are what we feel but not who we are. So I’m currently trying to take a step back to detach myself from these negative emotions and to think about who (or what the fck) I am.
Okay but it’s really difficult to even think because I haven’t even catch my breath and I remain, at the edge of this cliff. (sibei drama... actually is the chair but she says cliff LOL)
Question: If this my life, why can’t I do the things I want to do? Why am I made to feel guilt and that I’m wrong for wanting to do my own stuff?
Extra: The mental pain has just became physical, my stomach is churning and my head feels like it is splitting apart.
Confession: Have I ever regretted doing certain things in my life? Yes. Hitting my own head and killing the connections between the neurotransmitter and making myself more stupid by doing something extremely stupid.
Plea: Please don’t tell me things like “Why don’t you try this?” “Actually you should just...” etc. What makes you think I haven’t tried? Why do you think I never tried?
So... At the end of the day, the final solution is death...? (LOL my dad just threaten me with it like “okay lor I just do until I die lor then y’all happy”) Oh oh? Join the queue
Omg my brother just told me, “wa I wish I can just die” and it makes me really sad.
Okay this is really my last remark. I finally understand why the SOS trainers who conducted the peer support session said, “Do you think the people who committed suicide really wanted to die? Their actual objective is to get out of ‘it’ and death is (seemingly) better than what they are going through” ... Indeed. This is why I'd rather sleep for dreaming is better than the reality.
To many who wonder why am I still so passionate about the social sector (doing the Campus PSY, volunteering at IMH, being so invested in Conjunct) and helping others? (i.e. Why I so kaypoh about other people when I am in deep shit myself?) ... Because I know how painful darkness is as it engulfs you and if I have the ability to, why not shine the light for others?
Update @ 2:52PM
Best response to EMO RANT by 'MY-BEST-FRIEND-FROM-UNI':
Thank you. My heart is warmed and slightly brighter. (... even though you reply late LOL)
Anyways, I will push on, survive today and the day after. Well done me.
Update @ 3:06PM
Best friend jiu shi best friend! ... Meanwhile, there's me....
.......... Thank you friend :')
Labels: Death, Depression, Family, Memories, Updates
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