Sinning
Wednesday, May 24, 2017 | 11:46 AM
"Editor's Note": Yours truly went to reread what she wrote before posting it. And all she can say is... Pathetic... Pathetic post ahead. So unless you want to know another side of her. A quite ugly, but also quite real, side of her. Go ahead, read on. I think it shines light on why yours truly is, the way she is. And truth be told these are things she won’t usually say, even during heart-to-heart-talks, even if she's to face it during truth-or-dare. ... Oh the next time yours truly play “Never Have I Ever / I Have Ever” she can say “I Have Ever lied in Truth/Dare”.
Was under the showerhead and I just realized that it has been close to a decade.
The me who was broken and taped back, is going to be a decade old soon.
Can’t even remember the exact month when it fell apart, but I’ll place my bet on
it being towards the end of the year. I’d be lying if I say I remember exactly what happened,
though there are certain scenes and moments I will never forget.
The phone that was snatched away mid-call. In the living room.
(When was the last time I even use the house phone anyway LOL)
Reading an unexpected, confusing, and disturbing farewell email.
(My phone was probably confiscated so I had to turn to email at that time I guess.
And, now that I think about it, that email made no fucking sense LOL)
Sitting on the piano chair beside the netball court in school. Talking, crying, listening and crying.
Oh and that line which I will never forget.
Ah... just realized that suicidal thoughts is like... like an old friend. He always knew where to find me and when to find me.
I could never put my guard up against him when he comes knocking, especially during my most desperate moments.
We both knew, my routine. Once the shouting begins, and if I start banging my head against the wall...
we both knew then, he’d again, open the door.
We’re almost 10, my old friend. Cheers?
Omg. Almost forgot another old friend. ... But I’m really ashamed to introduce this old friend.
Like the same kind of shame Eve felt when she consumed the Forbidden Fruit.
//
Recently I’ve been waking up later and later than usual, i.e. after 8am. Especially on rainy days... The record time for getting out of bed is latest 9am LOL. Quite the miracle for me because my dad would always shout at me to wake up by 8+am usually. Sleep is a waste of time to him. Sigh but 睡觉是世界上最大的享受 (eh.. taught by my mum).
Went for a Campus PSY training last week and it was a lesson on Empathy. The overarching idea of the class is that there is so much more than empathy than putting yourself in the shoe of others, it is about focusing, listening and feeling with the person. And most importantly, believe in their strengths and resources and that they have unlimited capacity to grow. This resonated so much with my belief in people and especially kids that I was able to see some light in my dark summer.
Anyways, I talked about the training because it was related to the “睡觉是世界上最大的享受” thingy I was saying. To be honest, when I’m not living (i.e. studying, hanging out with people, doing my projects), and when I’m sad, the first thing I turn to, is sleep. I sleep as much as I can without getting into trouble with my dad (repeat: sleep is a waste of time to him)
But for me, sleep is the perfect way to escape from reality especially when I’m home where I have no safe place to reside. Every corner is accessible to my dad and he will just invade my privacy or shout at me whenever he cannot control his temper/pressure anymore. And ... sleeping and dreaming became the only place I can truly be away.
So... there was this activity called ‘Finding Exceptions’ during the Campus PSY Empathy Lesson. Quoting from the activity, “The exception rule states that no problem happens all the time. There are ALWAYS exceptions where people have done something to reduce or survive the problem.” And the objective is to find that exception, when was it better (... and how to make that better last)? For the activity itself, we were supposed to think about the following:
Think about a problem that bugs you. When was a time when the problem was less of a problem for you? How did that happen? What helped? Who helped?
Since I was mostly staying home for the past few weeks, my problem has been my family. So I shared about the said problem and how I have been sleeping too much that it’s unhealthy. It felt kind of weird sharing it though. Like I was putting myself in a very vulnerable position and must not make it too awkward for the people listening or cause them to panic. But verbalizing it made me realize how deep into the shit I actually am, and how things I’m actually supposed to face are really piling up.
But because I was also made to share “when was a time when the problem was less of a problem for you”, it reminded me of the good times and what I love about myself at my best. So here lies the power of ‘Finding Exceptions’ and asking the person you’re talking to, the right questions. They share with you their problems but at the same time, they also look at the positive side (i.e. when the problem was lesser of a problem) and it changes their perspective and refocus their attention to the less negative things in their life.
Was sharing this with Alicia when I met up with her two days later and she quite like the idea behind the class and activities (there were more which yours truly is too lazy to type about LOL). And I totally agree with her when she said that actually everyone should take these lessons or the schools should actually try to teach handling emotions like these and building up of the mental strength. Reminded me of why I was onboard this Campus PSY journey in the first place.
I hate to admit this but the teachers who have been writing my report cards and my parents were right, that I’m really quite a proud person. But being proud has such a negative connotation that I really hated being associated with it but DAMN THEY WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG.
On Being Proud
1. The Old English form of proud is - prūt, prūd. Which means having a high opinion of one's own worth
2. The opposite of proud, is humble (fyi, truly humble people keep quiet about the good things they do)
3. Proud in Chinese is 骄傲 (jiao1 ao4)
4. Proud represented by an animal is the peacock
5. Lastly, and most interestingly, the Sin of Pride is said by some to be the foremost of the Seven Deadly Sins - the original and most serious of the seven deadly sins, yet, it is the only sin with a virtuous side
What made me realize...? Maybe it was the part where I had to make myself vulnerable and share about my problems during that 'Finding Exception' activity (i.e. sharing about my fam fam DAMN DAMN). Yes I do share my problems quite openly when I have heart-to-heart-talks or chat with my friends. But I realized those were usually problems which I’ve already overcome. When it comes to problems which are still unresolved, I can’t really talk about it.
For example, in the previous post, I confessed about the difficulty I was facing, such as my inferiority complex (yours truly packaged it nicely as being “not sure about myself” though). I was only able to share about it because the project was OVER and it ended on quite a good note. Such that I can say, “oh it wasn’t easy but look it ended well!”
Therefore, it finally shines light on me as to why I wasn’t able to share about Campus PSY with a passion I owe to the cause. It has been a long journey (almost a year) but there are no tangible results which I can share about (but there are intangible ones of course). At the same time, there are still so much work to be done that it feels like there is still a long way to go and I’m getting disheartened by it. And being the proud person that I am, the lack of appreciation kind of puts me off. (wa kns, I’m not as selfless as I thought myself to be LOL I’m really whata_biatch after all LOLLOL)
I’m really a sucker for appreciation. HAHAH. I love being told like, well done, you’re amazing etc. And being recognized and acknowledged. (Oh but ‘Words of Affirmation’ is ranked second last on my ‘5 Love Languages’ though... omg if I’m already so desperate for love language that’s ranked the fourth... issit my first to third love languages... I demand the universe-worth of love...? Sibei deprived bth)
Okay I guess the first step to solving a problem, is recognizing it. Now that’s a lot of work, I think I’m done for the day. LOLLOL.
Labels: Death, Family, Quotes, Rants, Updates
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