I am forced by the passing of time, the transition of life stages, and the expectations of society to grow up and to behave like a "grown-up" (whatever that would constitute). But here, I would just be a little childish, a little self-centered, a little irresponsible, a little too honest but also a little too pretentious.

24, and still counting.




Kept all my past posts intact because my past was what made me, me. Deleting them doesn't change who I am so I revisit my memories sometimes, to learn and to laugh at my past mistakes.

(Just kidding, I revert some posts to drafts because I'm utterly embarrassed.)


January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
October 2012
November 2012
April 2013
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
October 2013
November 2013
December 2013
January 2014
February 2014
March 2014
April 2014
May 2014
June 2014
July 2014
August 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2014
January 2015
February 2015
March 2015
April 2015
May 2015
June 2015
July 2015
July 2016
October 2016
December 2016
January 2017
March 2017
April 2017
May 2017
June 2017
July 2017
October 2019
December 2019
April 2020
May 2020


Designed by: Ahting

Dear mum, you can say that i am lazy, i am rude, i am only a shallow person who knows how to study but not how to do housework. You can say all that but dont ever ever say that one day i will make my kids suffer.

Dear mum, if i am so tired for slogging my hearts out from monday to saturday, and i totally knocked out for a whole day on sunday, if that is lazy to you, okay i'll buy it. For only seeing how much i try to i rest but not how much i work and thereby labelling me lazy, okay i'll buy it.

(Why did you not see it as my escapism from reality? Why did you not see me trying to cross to another world?)

Dear mum, i have been trying to tell you the things that i like and the things that i dont for the past 21 years. You did not even listen to me and chided me rude for not replying anymore, if my silence is rude to you, okay i'll buy it.

(Why did you scold me after turning me into a mute? Why do you not listen when i needed you to?)



Dear mum, you see me in different outfits everyday (some of them too revealing for your preference) and you claim that im a shallow person who only cares about looks. You werent there to help me when i dragged bags of clothes from my friends who so kindly passed them to me. Have you even tried to compare how much i spent to the thousands of dollars you spent on make-up and clothing?

(Maybe if you looked close enough, maybe if you even bother to notice, ive actually been wearing the same things, and that the skirt from 6 years ago is not too revealing .... its me, i grew)

Dear mum, when you arrive home at 12pm, do not wake me who have manage to fell asleep, do not disturb me when i try to complete my work. Ive made sure that the floors were cleaned, clothes folded, tables packed, while you were out hanging with your friends. I do not need a witness as i do the dishes. Sure i'll let you win this one, since theres no one to vouch for me.



But dont ever ever say that one day i will let my kids suffer. I may not know what is it like to be loved, i may not know how to love. But the least i would do is not be like you.

The you who did not protect your kids when you had the power to. The you who did not listen when the kids need you to. Years have passed and your kids are still in pain, kind of funny how, you gave them the blame.

But dear mum, you still have one last lesson to teach me and please do before its too late. Can you please teach me how do i love myself?

How, do you have the heart, for yourself, to walk away, when you hear papa starting his screaming and shouting, when you hear didi bawling, when you hear my sobbing and gasps for air? How, were you able to continue singing when you come back to this mess a tornado made? How, were you able detached yourself from it all, to say to yourself, "I deserve better", and escape from the people who needed you the most?



I can't, i couldn't walk away. My heart wants to leave, to chase a foreign dream in a foreign land, to be wild and free! ... But everyone and everything back home, is pulling me back, keeping me grounded, making me stay. How... How to love myself enough to drown out others' voices and only listen to my own?

Would i bear to impose unto others, what you did to me?

Dear mum, also, teach me how to love you. How you were able to love so much, someone like yourself.

Labels: Depression, Family, Rants, Reflection

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