If people are oceans, how deep will you be
Saturday, October 8, 2016 | 10:07 AM
It’s the middle of the term of University Year 2 Semester 1 and the second last day of recess week. I have this draft of an essay opened since the start of the recess week and currently it is 191 words out of 1200. The essay is for a Creative Writing module centred on poetry and we are given the freedom to write on anything so long as its poetry so I decided to tie in mine with mental illness. Trying to explore 1) whether mental illness aid creativity in poetry writing and 2) whether writing poetry perpetuate mental illness. Perks of University where one can explore their own area of interest.
I’m kinda sorry I started this post with a rant about my studies but it’s also part of me trying to remind myself that, “hey girl, let’s not take too long here, you know you still have shit to do and it will totally give you anxiety if you put it off for too long.” And yes studies rants are totally boring LOL Was talking to a guy the other day, and in the midst of getting to know him, he was like, “aiya lets not talk about school”. (... without offering a new conversation topic LOL where is the banter this is more like passing the baton)
Okay here’s the problem, or rather my problem.
Before that, allow me side-track. As I was writing, there’s a voice at the back of my mind that kept chanting, “Humour humour humour! Entertain your readers with good-natured humour! Add in something that can bring a smile to their face!” And I really want to do that but there’s this ominous and depressing emotion clouding my chain of thoughts and suppressing the more optimistic side of me. So... in comparison to my previous posts, I am writing this with a heavier heart. And honestly, I’m here to let lighten myself.
A poem by Rupi Kaur, one of the poets I’ve fallen in love with recently (thank you Liew for introducing her to me). I fell in love with her poems first, before I fell for her stories (yes go read up on it, cause woman (en)power(ed)!). I really admire her play with simple English words which sometimes feels like a needle prick. Sharp enough to hurt and bleed but not too much and doesn’t leave a scar (but certainly an impression). Chose to share this particular poem here because... it’s one of those days I feel like I have nothing but somehow this poem reminded me that I had days when I felt like I have everything so things will be fine /insert skeptical question mark here/
Okay back to the problem I brought up. So I’ve been meeting new people (YES I AM LAGGING BEHIND LOL People usually do it during freshman year but sorry I was busy finding myself (no time to find other people la honestly) in the new environment so finally stepping out of my comfort zone again in my sophomore year). Anyways, it’s on a new platform I ventured into in September and ... I don’t know just how much I should let these people into my life. How much should I let them know without feeling less of myself but at the same time without revealing too much to people? After leaving high school, this is the second year of a constant reminder-to-self that, hey don’t just label people as temporary people immediately without giving them a chance. .. And then the irony when I come across people who explicitly state that they want to be temporary people. LOL
Speaking of new people, I’ve also have been attending networking events lately, something which I’ve always dread and thought I will be uncomfortable with. Yes it is quite full of superficiality, half the time you are second-guessing whether the other party was sincere about the interest in your idea or withholding other intentions. So it came as a surprise when I’ve enjoyed each networking session so far and despite the on-the-surface chitchat, sometimes the people you talk to can really inspire you. (not sure if I should be more extreme with my views, like more hatred and annoyance, to make things more exciting but honestly I don’t want to risk sounding like a Trump)
That said, networking is like a simple workout compared to attempting to define relationships with people you met under certain context. But, I will just summarize what I am doing with these new people I met. ... Using an analogy.
I had begun with the end in mind. I bared myself naked and raw but yield a sword and held a shield, I appear confident but needed some sort of protection too. I’d dip my toes in and test the waters, sometimes backing off with distaste/fear, but sometimes going deeper because it felt good. I tried being nice, I tried being mean, I attempt to let the water engulf me but I’d always keep afloat. Some days I feel like just letting myself sink beneath but I always stop myself, because this is not the ocean I want to stay in forever. That said, they are beautiful oceans. Filled with wonders and things I’ve never thought existed and I was shown another world entirely different from the one I’ve known. But they are not my ocean to reside or bask in. And I am just a passer-by to this beautiful scenery. I’d leave my scent and footprint behind, and I’ll leave it to the ocean to decide whether to wash it away or hide and retain a tiny part of me which I hope am worth keeping. I’d remember each ocean I came across though, it will probably not remain a vivid memory but from a distance I think I would recognize the oceans I’ve touched.
Okay the truth is, I’ve been experiencing cognitive dissonance lately. In theory, I learnt it as “the mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who performs an action that is contradictory to one or more beliefs, ideas, or values”. I just didn’t realize how much it can be a pain in the ass in reality. (Pain in the ass is actually an understatement okay? It’s really tiring and suffocating me actually. It’s like meeting the hypocrite you never thought you were LOL) and don’t tell me that behavior and beliefs are things that I can control and change okay? It’s like trying to transform a third world to first in the midst of World War III. (LOL DAMN I am really damn dramatic LOL)
Anyways, I think I’ve released some of the stress held within already. Thank you for reading thus far and bearing with me. Hmmm but I really wanna end off with something that will make me happy. Hmm... well, here’s a throwback to my SUMMER SUMMARIZED:
I usually don't write in the middle of the school term but this morning I caught myself reading some acquaintances' blog and I quote (which I hope he/she will never realize I've quoted), "also this isn’t a country where people have flings left, right and center". I thought so too but recently I've been proven otherwise and I hope he/she will never enter or discover this world I've been shown. And really, media is misleading, stereotypes are never really accurate, and lastly, don't believe in the majority you know, ... because there is a larger majority out there.
And then it hit me, it's that... everyone, every single person, needed saving
but some are saving others first.
Labels: Friends, Life, Poetry, Rants, Relationships
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