Illusion of Ease
Friday, July 29, 2016 | 7:47 AM
Have been having this feeling of satisfaction and at peace with myself throughout summer break (actually I’m not so sure how to describe this feeling... it’s just this feeling of being okay with what I’m doing, what I have and who I am and I’m contented y’know?). But as I scroll through twitter, and read up on a few acquaintances’ blog, I see so much negativity, and from being “okay”, it became... “not-so-okay”.
Quite a few people’s twitter were filled with tweets after tweets about missing their exes, wanting their relationship back etc. From broken relationships to failed friendships to family issues, I understand the feeling of emptiness, helplessness, loss and pain, I can empathize and relate to these feelings, as my life is coloured with greys like these too (though it’s not things I usually publicize).
For the past 20 years, I’ve always felt empty. And I thought that I need to find someone who can "complete" me. And with each breakup or a separation from a fling, I found myself emptier than before. And I keep looking for someone who can fill this empty vessel within me. But after the most recent breakup, and for the past few months, I realize that I don’t need anyone to complete me. And I myself, can bring out the best in me.
In losing him, I found myself.
It wasn’t really an easy process though. I didn’t find inner peace overnight. Breakups are difficult because you lose something you are comfortable and used to, and it’s... an indescribable and extremely personal feeling. For me, after that post-break-up-period, I signed up for things I’ve always wanted to explore but feared I wasn’t good enough for, like my job as a student care facilitator and volunteering at IMH. And I put meaning into my own life.
I also realized that I was in a toxic relationship, and it was hard to walk out of it, but I did and I’ve closed the chapter on that so I shall move on with my story. Maybe I will share it one day, on why it is so hard to walk out on a mentally-abusive relationship (and why when you recognize that your friend is in one such relationship, you are an insensitive friend if all you can say is “aiya just leave the person la!”) but that day is not today. LOL
Anyways on one of the other acquaintances’ blog, the person wrote that he/she feels very lonely, finding it very hard to make new friends and drifting away from old friends, envying those who have close friends by their side. Okay I wouldn’t say that I have a lot of close friends, but for every new friend I make, it takes a leap out of my comfort zone, and for every friendship that I try to sustain and keep, it does take quite a bit of effort.
I’m someone who believes strongly in hard work and effort to achieve what one wants in life. And that there is no such thing as equality, not everyone will start from the same starting point and some might have a smooth journey while some will be having an uphill battle. Which is why sometimes some people have to work harder than the rest. Some call this pessimistic, but I think it's just realistic.
“Do you like it at SMU?”
August 2015: “No sia...”
July 2016: “HAHAHA YES OMG”
Hmm.. Truth be told I think it took me about 5 to 6 weeks to really immerse myself into university and a large part of it is thanks to Conjunct Consulting (yes the CCA I’m in). Before I even officially start school in SMU, I was already overwhelmed by ... My email inbox... I was overwhelmed by the spam of emails offering business opportunities, networking opportunities, workshops, events and activities.
There were all contents I was not used to, and became pressurized by, due to my lack of knowledge in that field. I felt incompetent, knowing that people are actually signing up for all these things, improving themselves, getting ready for their grand entrance into adult life... and then, there’s me. Not part of all this and not even fitting into all this. I have never thought about venturing into the private industry, climbing high up the career ladder, or tapping into anything “business-related” and only considered the public and social sector of the society.
I didn’t pass the interview for Habitat (not something I'm proud of admitting) but I got into Conjunct Consulting. ... And it was the best decision in my University life. I met like-minded people and it’s not just about making friends, it was about reminding myself who I really am and what I seek in life and what was my life journey, why did I even go to university in the first place.
It also helped me instill in myself that despite being in a “management” school, it does not mean that I have to a “business-y” student too. They are impressive in their own way, and I am amazing the way I am too. So I slowly get used to the pace of university, and get the hang of university life (rather than drowning myself in my own worries and anxiety). Sorry to disappoint my dear readers, I’m not a xiao popz in school, I don’t have a lot of friends hahahah, nor am I on the Dean List, not the smartest person out there LOL, or whatnot.
The only inspiration I can be, is that I really enjoy what I’m learning and how I’m growing along the way. My life is not a big BANGZ, it’s a tough climb and a rough journey (one which I don’t actively portray, because I like to spread joy and not the pain okay? I’m not like trying to paint “THE PERFECT UNI LIFE” on any social network LOL), but I always remember the rainbows more than the rain. People say that one can cry at the same thing over and over but personally it’s a skill I will never grasp, though I can laugh at the same thing over and over, and that is a talent in itself okay?! LOL.
So at this point, I’m now immersing myself into this new phrase in life. I enjoy planning for my timetable, having my own personalized schedule even if it means reporting to classes alone, or having random breaks with no friends but yours truly’s own company to eat with. Once in a while, I get self-conscious and insecure (especially when the other students look so posh and chic?!). And I learnt to enjoy deleting stupid emails, rather than getting worried about things I might be missing out on. LOL
... DANG I was going to dedicate a post about my University journey for another day but I’ve already summarized most of it here... Sorry that this post dragged on for so long. WAIT this is my blog why am I even apologizing LOL. Anyways, I can foresee that I will be going on a hiatus soon so it’s probably better that I’ve written all that.
But to satisfy your curiosity, her answer is “don’t support”. The influencer shared that it was an unpleasant experience and it was difficult for her to withdraw without feeling ostracize (an opinion shared by many others).
And I was wondering, why it’s a choice between “have such games (but those people who don’t like it, don’t participate and bear their own consequences)” or “don’t have such games at all”; and why is it that if you approve of the games, you are “modern, open-minded and exciting” but if you are against it then you are “traditional, boring and a wet blanket”. Does these suggestive games really represent such dichotomy?
In case the readers think I’m sprouting nonsense because my examples sound extreme or ridiculous, it is possible for one’s behaviour to contradict with one’s beliefs (it’s in my psychology textbook! Omg so eggciting to be discussing and applying it. Though it’s not really a discussion cause I’m the only participant...). For this case, the influence of external environments would be a strong factor (i.e. peer pressure) and the lure to conform should never be belittled.
Actually, I don’t really feel like taking this further so I will just end off with one of my favourite videos and the readers can just think about anything and everything that’s brought up here. (Gosh I give y’all so much freedom and autonomy ... I know I know, I'm just giving an excuse for my own laziness)
Oh but if you didn't catch my stand about the whole sexualized university games issue (actually, I conveniently did not mention HAHAHHA), I feel that as people who have the power to control these games and activities (i.e. the student leaders and camp facilitators themselves), don't let your participants do activities that you 1) wouldn't do yourself; 2) wouldn't want your kids to do; 3) wouldn't want your partners/lovers to do. Why? Because if you're not okay with doing it, or not okay with people you love doing it, why are you okay with someone else doing it or the children of someone else do it?
Labels: Friends, Life, Quotes, Updates
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