When you're all alone, do you like you?
Tuesday, April 14, 2015 | 9:46 AM
It’s been ... quite a tiring morning. Got woken up at 5:30am by nothing in particular (maybe murderous radiation from my phone right beside my pillow) and of course the natural reaction should be to roll over and go back to sleep. But somehow I just started tearing and soon my pillow was damped. I wasn’t feeling particularly sad though so I was really puzzled by where these tears came from. Usually I feel refreshed after crying, it’s like... getting a warm shower after a sticky (with perspiration) and humid day (#singaporeanproblems). But I know that in general my tears flow out after being accumulated for too long due to some happenings (suddenly I sound like a cloud that brings rains LOL).
So I began to think about what might cause these tears (which btw, abruptly stopped the tears... is that normal?!). Was it the stress from university admission? The feeling of incompetence when other applicants/competitors already found their way and have a place while yours truly is still here, waiting. Okay, possibly. Was it from the grievance of last night when my dad was having one of his unreasonable outbursts? Hmmm... Likely, since I just went to sleep right after that unresolved conflict. Or was it from the discomfort of having an unsatisfactory conversation/interaction with people that took place? Urgh I can’t decide.
I guess I shall try my best to explain this stomach-churning and unsettled feeling I get from regretful conversations – conversations that I very much rather it didn’t take place after it taken place.
It’s the kind of feeling that right after I said those words, I regretted having said them. I should have thought harder and refrained from talking and chose silence over the need to fill the air with words... empty words. And it’s like I’ve done something really wrong which cannot be undone and I feel that there will be delayed karma which brings about a bigger mess. Like I’ve revealed a part of me which I shouldn’t have released, leaving me much more emptier (it’s not a grammar mistake but an emphasis) than I already am.
While I (shamelessly) take pride in my interpersonal skills, it’s all these conversations that make me feel like a failure and doubt my social skills. I was so disappointed in myself and my lack of EQ whenever this happens and it seriously damages my self-esteem and mood (usually takes about 5 to 7 days to recover? Not that I always show it though, totally not something to share or brag about LOL). That’s why sometimes I say that I am socially awkward but nobody believes me!! :’(
Speaking of conversations, I realize that while telling each friend about my SMU interview experience, though it was about the same event, each time I say it, I presented it quite differently (unintentionally). So up till now, I’ve told 4 people about it – Wanzhen, Amy, Liew and Kaiwen. And when the medium is different (i.e. text vs real-life conversation), I think the listener also had varied impression of what happened and in turn, different opinions and feelings about it.
So I was thinking, comparing the difference in response, just how much was it due to their difference in personality as compared to how I’ve phrased about what I remembered myself going through and what I told them. Was I more agitated about a particular girl from the same interview group and put her in a worse light when I spoke to a particular friend? Was I more bias towards myself when I was telling it to Amy as compared to when I was telling it to Liew? I began to question myself like this due to the psychology books which I have been reading recently.
“Im so annoyed. This psychology book that I’m reading is contradicting a book that I was reading previously which was contradicting another book that I was reading
They’re based on diff topics but the
Just quoting from a conversation that I had this morning to show the agony and confusion that I was in (yes I have a tendency to swear nowadays). The first book that I was referring to in the conversation is “Situation Matters” by Sam Sommers. The second book is called “Deceit and Self-Deception” by Robert Trivers. And the current book that I’m reading (actually I’m reading the second and this book concurrently which proved to be a bad idea LOL) is entitled “Pieces of Light” by Charles Fernyhough (maybe discussing these three books concurrently will also be a bad idea...).
Confession: One thing that I really dislike about me all this while (Sian I know yet I haven’t change this bad habit) is that I have all these flaky and flimsy (sadly) ideas and perspectives all over the place about things and people but I don’t have in-depth knowledge or strong evidence to support my stand and ideals such that when I discuss it with people or put my principles and values out there for discussion, I don’t make a very convincing (or intellectual enough) perception and argument. ): Yours truly is very much disappointed in self (Seriously, I felt like I slapped myself twice in this post already ARGH).
So much as I hate this, now I just might be about to present to Le Readers a very touch-and-go entry about certain interesting and promising topics which really messed up my limited amount of brain cells (basically, just don’t expect too much la aiya). But it’s gonna be the next entry cause I’m tired from all these recalling and rambling already. ):
Labels: Books, Depression, Memories, Theory
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