Monday, April 20, 2015 | 11:17 PM
Initially I wrote a paragraph explaining why I didn’t continue from my previous post then suddenly my computer hanged and during the time which the “blue screen of doom” flashed in my face, it got me wondering why do I even bother to explain why I’m writing about this instead. Sorry guise, I feel more strongly about this situation at the moment than the three books right now so... Here goes a
rant which I am skeptical about sharing because I don’t always do rant posts. (Simply because I don’t wanna be anymore bitchy than I already look LOL)
I had a fight with a friend the other day. Well I’m not sure if using the word “friend” (nope, I’m not talking about my ex - the “friend” here but I literally meant the word friend LOL such unnecessary confusion) is appropriate because it’s more like acquaintance now. So let’s name this friend-turned-acquaintance: “Argh” (OMG I’m so bad with these naming thing my kidsss are in deep shit man... They’re going to be potentially ostracized thanks to their idiotic clueless mother LOL ...there is this high possibility that I might name my baby “Awww” sia LOL).
The only good thing out of the whole incident is that “Argh” made me realize some principles I hold regarding friendship. OMG ARGHHH DAMN WASABI!! ... Sorry, yours truly is trying to enjoy some sushi for supper and made the wrong move of shoving down salmon sashimi spammed with wasabi (what is wrong with me... I usually don’t even eat wasabi anyway). But anyways, I just felt steam coming out of my nose for a moment there. ARGHHH ... Okay guise I just realize what a bad nickname I gave for “Argh”.
YES I AM REPENTING. But I still need to move on with the story right? On a side note, the Jap rice of Edo Sushi sucks.
I’m no saint and I don’t pretend that I am one so I admit that I was the asshole who made “Argh” pissed off. What happened next can be summarized into this situation: I stepped on an invisible landmine. Okay that wasn’t the situation in its entirety. It was more of: I stepped on an invisible landmine while wearing suicide bombs.
My mental state that day wasn’t well to begin with and I had some unsettled issues that are troubling me. But I pretended and lied to myself that I will and I can dissemble these suicide bombs before... but as usual, life decides to strike before I can even fix myself. Well, maybe I can only blame myself for not seeking help first or talk to someone around me but... with what followed next, it convinced me further that I shouldn’t find people as shelter and built homes in people.
“Remember why you stopped. Remember why you fucking stopped.”
After making “Argh" pissed off, I tried to ask if “Argh” was okay. Well... Given the choice, I would rather talk to the wall. The coldness and the distant response immediately reminded me of “Friend” when he was having his unreasonable fits (Seriously Leos... I can never deal with angry, self-righteous Leos. I’m so glad Shirley has never gotten THAT angry with me before. I don’t ever wanna lose her man). Anyways, being the emotional wreck that I already was, I should have been given an award for not breaking down then and there. /Pats on the back for the Teh/
But despite how I was treated, I knew I deserve it (
Wait, do I? Is it reasonable for people to trample on my feelings and crash me like trash just cause I’ve done something wrong? I don’t know man... But if I can chose, I would so rather physical torture than this mental torture... I’m too sensitive and vulnerable to go through all these. Can’t believe I lost appetite and cried myself to sleep a few nights for all these bullshit. Dammit I sound so weak I’m disgusted by this pitiful narration). But anyways, as it’s the only right thing I can think of doing, I apologized.
Just so you know, it appears that I wasn’t forgiven. Nope, there were no indication of whether I was forgiven or forgiveness was in consideration. But like how I deal with all my relationships with people, I always believe that “I would rather lose an argument to you than lose you to an argument”. So I tried to talk it out. I always believe that communication was key to establishing healthy relationships. But guise, it doesn’t matter once the other party is not keen to listen to what you have to say to forgive you. It doesn’t matter if the words are heartfelt or not, doesn’t matter if you’re ready to bare your heart and risk being vulnerable, doesn’t matter if you’re prepared to bend your principles for someone to mend something broken.
“Argh” told me that may this be a lesson for you. To “Argh”, the lesson I should learn is probably “saying things at the right time – when to joke and when to be serious” and that “reputation matters in the adult society”. But thank you for the way you acted “Argh”, because I managed to learn more than that.
“If you cannot accept me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best. Vice versa.”
That was a principle I applied for my relationships starting last year. And I realize now that for me, it’s not just with guys, but with friends as well. At my best, I can go all out for my friends, be the pillar of support for them, make them laugh as much as I can, getting things for them even when I’m short on cash simply because the things I saw reminded me of them and all I want, is to see that smile and happiness in them.
But at my worst,
I am just human. I’m not perfect and I err. I say the wrong things at times, I hurt others’ feelings without meaning to and I sin. I can be unreasonable and dumb, act on impulse and doing stupid things to make worry to get attention and whatnot. I try to inflate my strengths to increase my self-esteem and I get jealous and selfish and perform all kinds of ugly traits you can list, but simply because I am just human.
For the record, I tried to talk to “Argh” four times after the accident I created. The first two, I got the cold shoulders. (I teared both times. Seriously... Waste my tears). The third one I got a dismissive response after I apologized. And for the last straw (I got angry in the middle of the conversation, leading me to vent here. By the way, that was three days ago and it still affects my mood now ARGH), I was reprimanded and nope I am not forgiven. The line that “Argh” said that got to me was, “Things might not be the same again cos I am really quite upset”. And to me, it sounded like, “If this is what you are, I cannot accept all of you”.
Well, right back at you!
I guess I got angry because “Argh” made it sound like I haven’t been hurt by other people’s words before. Like I’m not in his/her shoes and he/she has all the right to be angry. Well, I have been deeply wounded by people’s harsh words before too. There was once when I even apologized even though the other person is at fault simply because I do not want to lose the person. But “Argh’s” decision of not forgiving me (well, there was no indication anyways), made me realize that to him/her, I’m disposable. And that his/her pride and reputation is more important and since I’ve kind of stepped on those precious things of his/hers, I shall not be forgiven and shall be treated coldly.
Well, if I’m younger, I might bend more to please him/her. But I’m too tired to bother with this kind of meaningless relationship. I realize that at the end of the day, these kinds of people will just be acquaintances anyways. Let’s say I stepped on this landmine of his/hers today, I compromise, and bent my principles to mend the relationship. What happens if I step on another landmine next time? Kneel, beg and cry for forgiveness again? If that person’s forgiveness is so hard to come by, just what am I worth to that person?
I know I’ve hurt you this time around. But I’m sorry for being human, I want to be a saint too. But because I made a mistake this time round, you let it override all the heart to heart talk, happy moments and side-aching laughter we had together. Well you’ve hurt me too and I guess we’re even since I won’t forgive you either, cause I’m always stubborn in my own way. Yup, I can be EXTREMELY unforgiving when I want to be.
P.S. Sorry guise, no photos for this post because I am THAT upset! GASP!
Labels: Quotes, Rants, Relationships, Theory
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