I am forced by the passing of time, the transition of life stages, and the expectations of society to grow up and to behave like a "grown-up" (whatever that would constitute). But here, I would just be a little childish, a little self-centered, a little irresponsible, a little too honest but also a little too pretentious.

24, and still counting.




Kept all my past posts intact because my past was what made me, me. Deleting them doesn't change who I am so I revisit my memories sometimes, to learn and to laugh at my past mistakes.

(Just kidding, I revert some posts to drafts because I'm utterly embarrassed.)


January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
October 2012
November 2012
April 2013
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
October 2013
November 2013
December 2013
January 2014
February 2014
March 2014
April 2014
May 2014
June 2014
July 2014
August 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2014
January 2015
February 2015
March 2015
April 2015
May 2015
June 2015
July 2015
July 2016
October 2016
December 2016
January 2017
March 2017
April 2017
May 2017
June 2017
July 2017
October 2019
December 2019
April 2020
May 2020


Designed by: Ahting

Im actually quite tired but I don’t want to sleep away these feelings I have today. Just came back from a mini dinner celebration in town with my Junior College friends (okay just calling them friends is pretty insincere but sadly (not really) we don’t have a clique name so I will just name them all la). For making me have something to look forward to, thank you Kaiwen, Yiling, Shirley, Waihong, Janice, Zhan.

I have been suffering from mild depression. I am happy to be sad. Before gasping in surprise, let me clarify my definition of depression first. Firstly, I think depression is common. The extreme cases, we know, we fear, we abstain. But people can suffer from mild or moderate depression anytime and anywhere for any reason under the sun. And there is no reason to judge someone for being depressed or be embarrassed that you’re depressed.

People think that behind each case of depression, there is always a very serious issue, a traumatizing event, a scar to be healed. But personally, (the word personally indicates that this theory is based on personal opinion and has not been followed up with research or experimental data) I think depression need not a trigger to take effect. And that’s the scary part about it. That’s how people are caught unaware.

My depression usually comes when I lack the drive. On good days, I jump out of my bed and thank God that I’m alive. On my depressed days, I have no good reason to wake up, having nothing to look forward to, I find no reason to breath and I asked the heavens, why did they continue to let the Earth revolve when all I want to, is to remain stagnant. I would sleep for hours and hate everyone in the world, even though it is against my own principles.

I’m quite a happy person. Truly I am. But the people around me don’t know that they’re the reason why. I’m an over-thinker, especially when I’m alone. Sometimes I come up with interesting analogies, other times, I craft an image of my deathbed. But all the time, I remain quite the happy person, but for absolutely different reasons.

/
I have been suffering from mild depression.
I am happy to be sad. (Oh the irony)
I love the coldness from within when I’m hurting.
The dark makes me scared and I lose my breathing,
But, I continued to walk with a bounce in my step
Because... I’m happy to be scared.
Crying brought me waves of joys, built upon my own tears.
My pain leaves no visible scars because my heart’s protected by my skin.
People would say that I’m crazy, but hey, why would I be?
I am happy to be alive, that I am able to feel all sorts of emotions.
When I am happy, I am happy, that need no explanations.
But when I’m sad, I am also happy, sometimes even feeling my best.
And ... that give me a bit more happy moments than the rest.

Am I worthy to be on ThoughtCatalog yet?! Hahaha. Yes I may have depression but that doesn’t mean that I seek to self-destruct. But my definition of depression is closest to, “I’m addicted to pain, for I am happy when I am sad”. That said, why did my post venture into this direction when I started the post with talking about my early birthday celebration?

Because I felt that with this confession, my friends would then understand how much their presence means to me for with them, I have no time to be sad or to overthink. Their company is something worth waking up for, and with that, I started today undepressed.

P.S. So if I ever told you that I look forward to seeing you or that I look forward to getting your reply, know that I wait with an excited heart that never fails to keep me up at night (or have me constantly checking my inbox), even days before the meeting. Like how a child prepares to meet Santa, I grin to myself at random moments at the thought of you.
P.P.S. Although I cannot relate to the video at some point, I really love how she brings out the emotion here and attacked me straight at my heart (Yes I enjoyed, so you shall too). Oh but this video is really not for the weak-hearted.

Labels: Depression, Friends

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