Sunday, November 9, 2014 | 7:16 PM
I was given a blog address of an acquaintance of mine and with every post, I slowly find the opinions that I have of her change. She used to be my classmate back in the old days (or should I say young days LOL). We were never close and I never have had any good impression of her. (Not sure if she thought well of me either) I guess I was never nice nor mean to her and between us, it always felt awkward when our eyes met and the atmosphere around us feels hostile. So why am I even bothering to write about this? About someone who is seemingly unimportant in my life, who shouldn't (and honestly doesn't) affect me in any way what-so-ever?
Because as I read her blog posts, I realize how inhumane/heartless I can be (okay maybe this is too strong a word but I really hate what I've been doing). Don't get me wrong, she never wrote anything about me but it's just that I realize I had been looking down on her. And then I realized that it wasn't just her that I've been looking down on (secretly), I had been judging people whom I feel has no EQ, whom I feel does not how to behave around people, have no self-awareness, does not understand human relations and so forth.
Part of me hate to admit that sometimes I put people down to elevate myself, making me feel like my amiableness had been a facade at times. I'm not as nice as I present myself to be, not as pleasant as people thought me to be. It stems from my insecurities which I still have a hard time to overcome when I am at my worst. Sigh. I needed to compare myself with others, to comfort myself, to boost my own ego and tell myself that, "hey, it's okay, he/she may have this but you have this, this, this and he/she will never be able to reach your level" etc. Yeah pathetic... Why do I even need to do this...
I hate that I condemn people to make myself feel better. I have no right to judge others, I have not gone through what they have been through and vice versa. Anyways, as I continued reading her blog, I read that she too, blogged about the past once in a while and about how much she had grown and changed since then. I uncovered her hurt and scarred experience, which I had underestimated due to my youth and folly. In between her words, there were regret, confusion and pain and somehow, I felt that she has become more mature and has grown, despite the occasional childish rants she still posts.
She had moved on, so why haven't I? I am ashamed that through these years, I had stubbornly viewed her as the offensive, bossy and clingy she had been since I first met her. When I heard about the rumors of her and a guy, I disgustingly put down their relationship and held thoughts like "what does he even see in her?". It's wrong of me to think like that, to judge people like this, to put down their feelings, when I don't even know anything to be able to come up with the appropriate conclusion. Even if she had been a jerk to me (though I don't recall any serious conflicts between us), she is still definitely capable of love and of giving to someone that she truly care about. I should start putting aside the horrible things I hear and feel about people which is preventing me from truly knowing them.
Well... admitting to all these isn't easy for me. I have never taken criticism well. Anyways, something that I can't stomach well, is violence. Not that I had any traumatizing, abusive upbringing that I can coolly share about, I just can't take violence and gore well. I remember there was this one, I watched
Escape Plan last year with Kaiwen and some of the 5F'13 people and I guessed even at some parts it was too violent for me with all the fighting and stuff and I felt like throwing up. /cues for uncontrollable barfs/ It really amused Kaiwen though... LOL.
Not sure if my dad was aware of it but he made me watch this video that he found online of some African tribe stoning and burning alive three people, an old lady, a middle-age man and a middle-age woman. After hitting them with wooden sticks, they threw rocks at them and proceeded to bury them under dry leaves and them jumped onto them and later set fire on them. I started feeling uncomfortable before the stoning even started but somehow my dad forced me to watch it till the end. His reason being that after seeing the hard lives others live, you should be more appreciative of what you have now and study harder and don't anyhow fool already.
Nope. Not very motivating at all. If anything, it was more like a torture to me. (Im okay with my dad in general but there are times like these that I can't quite figure out what he's thinking) So after that I felt really queasy and I went to sleep. Given what I was put through, no surprise for the nightmare I had that night. (I described it to my brother and he said that my nightmares are just freaking gore and painful, the other tormenting nightmare that I had was this mass murder at a unrecognisable old-design HDB with strangers and different people that I know from different point in my life and basically there were killings and sacrifices everywhere and I see people die at each floor. ... It was a total wipe out from the first to the last floor. Not sure if I've blogged about it before...)
For the nightmare I had that night, it had started out pretty normal. I was in a random school building going through the normal notions of a school life similar to what I had in primary school. During break time, I went off to explore an old part of the building with a layout similar to that of Hogwarts. We went through this curtained door and crossed a bridge with bricks flooring that's enclosed by glass. After we crossed the bridge, that's when my nightmare started. The sight that greeted us in the main hall of the building, was a large white flag with the devil sign (from what I remember, it was this star enclosed inside a circle and there were three 6s in the middle) written in red ink that has yet to dry on it. I guess the three 6s freaked me out and I immediately tried to run back to the previous campus.
Alas! When I tried to open the door, it was no longer the school campus that greeted me but a mass of white space filled with weird chants that gives severe headaches. (At this point the people I was originally with had disappeared and I'm with about 30 other strangers) Behind us on the bridge, a sinister version of Dobby(Harry Potter)/Gollum (The Hobbit) appeared and told us that to escape, we have to pass at least one stage of this place, either that, or (at this point, he made a hole in the glass walls of the bridge) we can jump down from the bridge right there and then. I can't remember what was at the bottom of the bridge but I remembered that none of us wanted to jump. And so, we played.
We re-entered the castle and there were many demons in human form which we have to avoid but the challenge was that we were all strangers and we can never be sure that amongst us, who is friend and who is foe. To get to the end of a stage, we have to pass by many doors along the way and at each door, one person must be sacrificed. Because what happened was, that once human presence is near a door, the door will slowly open and the weird chants will come out again and the sound fills the corridor. One person will have to sacrifice himself/herself by pushing back the door and absorbing the sound, in the end, they don't survive to catch up with the rest and end up bleeding from their ears and eyes and becoming all twisted.
In the end I survived not caused we successfully passed a stage but I became one of the servant girl of an old demon lady of the castle. The last scene I remembered was watching the remaining people who were with me attempt another stage and suffering and dying one by one. There were like three people left when my alarm rang (4:30am) and I was saved from the remaining trauma. Sigh. The worst thing is throughout, I know I'm just dreaming and it's unreal but somehow I just couldn't wake up. There was this point where I FELT myself lying down on my bed but at the same time watching the bloody scene in front of me which is pretty bloodcurdling. I guess it would have been more creepy if I woke up at 3am which is also known as the Devil's Hour. /inhales/
Not sure when it was that I started having really vivid dreams and its especially bad when I have these kind of nightmares. But on the bright side, these kind of dreams make me more reluctant to sleep and I will waste less time sleeping and napping. Who am I kidding. I will still sleep at 9am tonight man. LOL. ... Maybe I should take a course on 'The Meaning of Dreams' to figure out gory nightmares that I have. ... Im kind of apologetic for churning this out...
To the top