Friday, November 21, 2014 | 6:46 AM
Counting down went by faster than counting back. It has been a long year. I was flipping through my organiser, looking at the things I had done for this year and it felt like I've did them last year. The tutorials that I've done, seems so unfamiliar as compared to the test papers and essays I've been writing daily. Art fest was this year? It felt like last year haha. RVMUN was this year? It felt like a year back too actually. I feel like I've stepped down for more than a year already actually, but it has only been more six months.
Six months back, if you'd tell me that I'd be doing more than two test paper daily, I'd have scoffed and laughed, declaring it impossible for someone like me. But somehow, in between these months, I've unknowingly joining the muggers club, revising at least three subjects a day, pushing through a at least three essays every morning, and a paper every afternoon. I didnt feel any breakthrough though. I guess my grades wont miraculously improve by two or three folds. :(
Anyways its now the third week of november, next monday I will have one last chemistry paper and then... /deep breaths/ anyways, last week I made a list of people whom I want to see, things I want to do, and things I want to get when I was taking a break from studying (it turned into a half day off btw LOL so much for trying to make myself more motivated to study) and I realize I'm not very ambitious. :X (i have yet to make any long time work commitment)
When Ms Lee (my economics teacher) asked me and wai and kaiwen what are we gonna do after A's, I said go work lor and then she said, "HUH?! Aiya go play first la! Give yourself a long break, you deserve it man! You can work after you play!" My immediate thoughts were, do I really deserve the playing? Ive studied more than I usually do, but that's cause Ive never really been studying and theres so much catching up that I gotta be doing.
Even then, I dont think Ive been doing enough to catch up. LOL. And while Ive been working, Ive been giving myself more breaks than I think I deserve. Like while my friends study late into the night, Im in bed by 9pm. :x so honestly speaking, Im not sure if I deserve to play. Moreover despite having one more paper to go, I still went to watch Interstellar with Isabelle and Chenxi yesterday. I would love to elaborate more on this but my agenda today is to talk about "whats next?". But I really enjoyed the show and their company. Best combi ever! Even better than a hot cup of chocolate in front of the fireplace in one's fireplace on a snowy night. (Okays I exaggerated. Again.) Hahaha but it's THAT good, to me.
So I told Ms Lee that Id be working but I realize that I havent really go find a job or even a voluntary work to commit to. For next week, Im going to 4J gathering on tuesday, Adventure Cove on wednesday (provided that my mense will spare me somehow), town with Alicia on Friday, and Zoo in the morning and Hunger Games at night with my family on Saturday. And the week after next, PROM. And then, MALAYSIA TRIP. Whatever happened to making extra income? LOL.
Its funny how, after wanting something for so long, when it finally comes, it doesnt thrill you as much anymore.
What I want to do IMMEDIATELY after A's though, is to go home. Honestly Im sick of my conversation at home to revolve around A's and studies. I miss fooling around with my brother (who, at the blink of an eye, is no longer little. And has grown up a little but more without my noticing) and lepaking at home without having to hide away what Im doing whenever someone walk into my room (yes Im gonna paint my nails in the open!). I also wanna help my dad with his work, lessen his stress and his workload. Like how he has made sure that I dont have to worry about anything else during my exam period, sending me to school everyday, and bringing me home whenever its late into the night.
While studying for A's, I felt like Ive been through not just a lot of papers, but also a lot of life lessons. I figured that the most sociable people are seldom muggers not because high IQ equates to low EQ but because your only topic of conversation becomes your work and your studies and how interesting can that be? And I realize that Mr Roland Chua (my year master) was right when he advise us not to study with our friends. You'll either end up talking to your friends or feeling distanced because you feel "so near yet so far" when you arent talking. And if a friend say something mean, while you can usually take it under normal circumstances, when it's this stressful period, you will become more sensitive and feel that it's mean^3. Ending up with an subconsciously offended friend with a unintentionally offending friend. But it's okay.
The hardest thing about A Levels is not what one's doing. ... It's what one CAN'T do.
.... Especially when you CANT seem to answer the next maths question. /barfing sound/
Im glad that I didnt walk into any exam hall with any panic attacks, and Im glad to say that I didnt walk out of it disappointed or full of regrets. I think the many timed papers under exam conditions the school has made us sit through has honestly helped a lot and rather than "OMG ITS THE A LEVEL!", it was more of "oh well, here goes another one", as though it's just another meal. (This freaking ten course meal (i had ten written papers) cost me about S$496 I think. Plus all the appetisers (all the photocopied and paid prelim papers, notes and tys) easily sums up to an equivalent amount)
Its one thing for the papers to be over, its another thing for the whole journey to be "over over". (Remember how in primary school, we used to say, "he is my friend, I like him only, is not LIKE LIKE", where the repeated words are used to emphasise REALLY liking i.e. Love (not sure why this word is such a sin back when we're ten when now swear words easily slips out of our mouths)) For the paper to be over, it is relief. For the journey to be OVER OVER i.e. Really over now, it's excitement mixed with fear. And with this excitement and fear, I reopen my blog and invite more approval with the occasional criticism and judgement.
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