Friday, July 11, 2014 | 5:30 AM
I have always wanted to start my post like this and I finally can! It’s 4am in the morning I’m writing this secretly, hiding from my sleeping family. Bye bye beauty sleep and hello eye bags! It’s kind of sad for me when I cant sleep, especially at night because I have always feel that 睡觉是世界上最大的享受 (translation: sleep is the best thing in the world, P.S. that’s why people sleep after sex, they keep the best thing for the last. LOL.) But anyways I keep waking up at random times recently and mostly I just try very hard to go back to sleep but today I guess I will entertain these loud and noisy thoughts that have been keeping me up, since it’s Friday anyways. We all break rules on Friday.
I don’t even know how to start describing this week for I will definitely leave things out and phrase it such that it changes its meaning. But I like to talk about things in a chronological order so I guess I will begin with Tuesday (cause Monday was Youth Day and my mind took a break on that day so I have no memory of what had happened that day, just that I didn’t do what I was supposed to i.e. studying) Tuesday morning had been really draining because it was a 3-hour 4-essays long history paper and other than how I really tried my best to think and bring the right words out, there were no much mama drama (unless you count my spilling of water all over my skirt halfway through the test).
After the paper I went with a few of my classmates (Yiling, Janice, Wai, Jialing) to Jurong to eat (Sushi Express, was half-tempted to include their opening hours and the location and the “nice ambience” like some wannabes’ blogs but I decided to calm my tits, there will be drama to write about later anyways) and to shop (H&M, do I need to report my buys? Is it what all blogs do nowadays?) Anyways after the retail therapy I went to
give myself a treat at the library and did my GP holiday homework. LOL.
That’s for Tuesday. I guess the shopping and stuff made the history paper feels like its ages before so the next day during history tutorial (Wednesday) it felt like really long ago. Is this what happens when you try to live in the moment? Any significant events just gets replaced constantly and everything you’ve done just days ago suddenly felt like months ago. Anyways, I think the history tutorial was the start of my emotional turmoil which I carelessly allowed to be built up over the past week. … Wait there was still the shitty GP lecture before that.
I guess I will talk about the history tutorial first because IDEK where to begin for the GP lecture. I have something very strongly against the lecturer that just the thought about him makes me twitch with annoyance. And having to write about it will make me remember his disgusting appearance and it’s not something you wanna think about at 4am in the morning. But on the contrary, of all the teachers I met in RV, I really respect my history teacher a lot (mostly because he really treat his kids like adults) so I guess it gets to me more than anything else.
The lesson began with talking about the history test the day before (what else) and he said something along the lines of him expect a quality of essays and thoughts that is equivalence to the standard of RI students from us. In my defense, I (truthfully) pointed out that he wrote in my report card: “Xin Ying is not the brightest of students” (it’s a nice way of pointing out that I’m not exactly smart). And he was like why are you still bringing that up blahblahblah and he went on to praise me about my “intelligence” which I totally did not process because he said it so sarcastically and I couldn’t exactly hear it because the class was laughing really loudly after that (someone told it it’s kind of because of the cheesiness of it all that was funny afterwards)
Firstly, just wanna say that I really agree what he wrote on my report card. I think that in my 12 years of Singapore education, this has been one of the most personal and factual report cards about me. It’s true, I’m not smart, and actually I would really like for my parents to realize too, that I have no talent in academics (btw when Singaporean students talk about results, at one point they will have to bring in their parents, it’s like a buy one get one free (BOGOF) kind of thing and Sg has a lot of those BOGOF LOL). I like that Mezzo has put it into words what I’ve been thinking for years. Not that I’m proud of it, I’m just not pissed off about it cause I really feel that it was reflective of who I am.
But during history tutorial he said the stuff he did (I will really love to quote him at the moment so that I can explain this better but really after the first line, when I first hear his sarcasm and the thorns within it I wasn’t really hearing anything at all after that) Maybe I was too sensitive about his words and his tones, I know it’s not something I should take to heart but it coupled with the deafening laughter from around the class, I felt like I was seriously put down and embarrassed for others’ entertainment. (if any of you guys are reading this, no I’m not angry/upset about y’all, it’s just the human thing to do/react like that so no hard feelings
cause I’m the only inhumane one, *sarcasm sarcasm* haha)
Even though I don’t always show it, I’m actually a prideful woman and I guess my pride was hurt when he left me no way of fighting back. My angmoh is not as good as his and I have no social experience on what to do when someone drowns you with sarcasm. So when Kaiwen pointed out that my face had become very red, it wasn’t embarrassment of his cheesiness (or whatever others thought Mezz’s words sounded like at that moment) but I was actually trying to fight back tears. LOL. Perhaps it wouldn’t have got to me so bad if someone said “that’s so mean, Mr Mezz” but I guess I was the only one who felt that his words was harsh?
Just another lesson learnt about how you’re truthfully alone in this world.
*emoness seeps in* Okays just kidding. Writing this in the morning calms me a lot and I think it’s able to make my words sound more neutral instead of all the hurt that I was actually feeling at the moment in time. It wasn’t about what he said, it was all just words that form a sentence anyways, but it was his tone and what it had implied at that time which made me uncomfortable. Anyways I didn’t tell anyone this because I wasn’t calm enough to say it and I don’t know how to say what I feel when everyone was laughing about it. And then I kind of lost the moment to talk about it and I didn’t bother to try to mention it after that.
Nothing exciting happened in the afternoon of Wednesday and then come Thursday. I guess my mishandling of my feelings properly still made me emotionally unsound (I wanted to use the word unstable but that’s just exaggerating LOL) in the morning. While I was talking to the Chinese Delight auntie and ordering my food, Alvin Loh suddenly come up to me and asked me where’s my socks, after that he made me remove my earring and after he left I continued ordering my food then I just started chocking up and was crying. LOL. Debut of my inner drama mama.
But the thing is I was still trying to pretend that I wasn’t crying?! LOL. And to curb the chocking up I started giggling. So I guess to the auntie at the Chinese Delight I was a whole mess of giggles and tears and snots. Then the Chinese Delight auntie started tearing while giggling with me! (She explained (in between tears and giggles) that she can’t help but cry when she see other people cry) I couldn’t put my happiness and gratitude into words about how she didn’t ask me to not cry or tell me that hey there was nothing to cry about. And my gratitude leaps over Mount Everest when the granny of the stall came over and started talking about how mean Alvin Loh was, (unreasonably) justifying for me that that was a good reason to cry. LOL
I hate the word cry actually. It’s feels like a pussy word. And like I said, it’s not the words that get to me but how the way people say it. I’m used to people catching me for breaking the school uniform rules, the socks, the skirt, the ear studs etc. A few days back I was just caught by Mrs Loke for my dirty shoes. LOL. But A.Loh has a way of attacking such that you will have no defense (you can’t say sorry cause he will attack more) and no counter-attack (you try to explain yourself he will GL you more). I’ve nothing against him and it’s not a direct aim at him but I DETEST this kind of people. I mean no matter how mean you get, you should always leave a road out for other people, even if they are younger (or lower rank) than you.
You shouldn’t get carried away with your words and shoot people as you please. And with that, A.Loh has shot and killed away all of the respect I have for him. My parents have always told me that in life, you gotta avoid some people and don’t even bother trying to get along with them (backstabbers, people who take advantage of you etc.), so here’s one more to add to the list of people to flee on sight upon meeting them anywhere. Anyways, with that, I gave very negative feedbacks about the school while doing this school survey after the recess break.
Anyways, I think I have just experienced the most ideal way to comfort someone when they cry. It’s better than the words of comfort one usually get (because when you’re upset, the sweetest words sometimes do the most harm). I have kept this to myself till now (I didn’t mean to keep it from anyone, it’s just something you don’t burden people with?) and I’m all up for talking about it (I like to reenact things in my drama mama way and I think I might even be able to make it entertaining LOL) but I think I’ve already said all I have to say and there’s nothing gossip-worthy so there there.
Before I end, just wanna say that being a teacher is not an easy job. As compared to working in the society, you are dealing with beings that are more fragile and you are responsible over them. I respect all the teachers that I encounter but along the way, I lose the respect for some so it’s not fair to say “you should respect all your teachers”. I do, and what does that get me? Teachers always tell us that we kids take everything for granted, but I don’t think it’s just us?
XOXO,
No hard feelings,
Xinying, and occasionally Teh Ah.
P.S. I apologize for the lack of photos (and the many language error, this being another one) but I don’t have time to look for photos and fit them into the post in the morning (I’m giving Yiling her birthday (her bday is on 13.07) present which I’ve prepared since the day before my birthday (my bday is on 15.01) later and I needa do some last minute touch-ups before school and I’m really excited about it but I’m half afraid that she won’t like it cause there’s no telling with that girl so… fingers crossed!)
P.S.S. Thank you Kellie for going out with me yesterday (Thursday) after school, your company has cheered me up a great deal without you knowing it. :’)
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