Start of something new ,
Saturday, June 7, 2014 | 3:27 PM
Experienced a new kind of physical pain. Was riding the motorbike to school when we got caught in the rain. At first, the drizzle was cooling and enjoyable but it started to get really heavy. Because of the speed of the bike, and I was wearing a skirt (yes how smart but no choice, is school uniform), the raindrops that hit my legs felt like thousands of needles poking my skin. And it's not a horizontal stab, the raindrops hit me vertically, at all parts of my leg that is exposed, not missing a single area. Meticulous aren't we.
That said, riding a motorbike can be pretty addictive. LOL.
Back to what I was intending to post about. RVMUN, which happened over June 2-4. Preparations started since last year and it has been quite an unexpectedly rewarding journey. But my highlight was on June 4th, the dance and dinner, which I was in charge of organizing. The last time I stood on a stage, was for band (I think I mentioned this in my previous post). It was an entirely different experience to be master of the stage and I'm not that sure whether I wanna do that again. Not that I didn't enjoy myself. I did, immensely. BUT, the stress that I get before the event was enough to last me for the next few years. LOL. But I figured so much about myself and about people in that one night. I owe my thanks to RV and HaCAS for this opportunity and these priceless lessons.
We go to school but the real lessons are free because life is its own teacher.
I learnt that I am bad with deadlines. Especially when there is many uncertainty about the things ahead. Before the actual RVMUN, I was always pushing deadlines with Annie and whenever she or Mr Shane ask me how it's going, I will always tell them "it's fine it's fine it's getting along well" but truth be told half the time I dunno and am unsure of what I'm doing. It's not that I want to lie about my professionalism, I just thought that I shouldn't drag them down into my panic and worry and overthink zone. I always feel like I'm not doing enough and then fret over it and I guess it's better for them if they don't know about it.
That was Pre-Mun and even during MUN itself, I continued keeping the negative thoughts and feelings to myself. LOL. I was so stress about it that I felt like throwing up after lunch and I couldn't eat anything during dinner (in the end, I went home and had instant noodles. I was famished. LOL). I tried to continue to be all joke-ish and smiley cause I didn't want anyone else to be dragged into all this fear and uncertainty with me (I seriously thought that we definitely won't have enough time to set up). I guess it seems like I'm PMS-ing because one moment I will just snap and bark orders, and the next moment I will crack up and make fun of some decorations or people.
It's not healthy keeping things to myself I know and I'm not being bipolar either. When I was being snappy, I was thinking of the event. When I'm being humorous, I was thinking of the people around me. Because I want them to enjoy this experience more than anything else. What's the point of organizing something that brings no joy right? But truth be told, when I was assigning tasks to people, I was afraid that I was being bossy and I was scared that they don't know how to bring out the image I've in my imagination to reality. But knowing myself, I don't have the capability to achieve it myself so I trusted the people around me though it was kept me on the edge of ... Whatever Mount Bukit Timah that I feel like I was dropping off from.
I firmly believed that if you cannot do what you order others to do, then you have no right to lead. Like you cannot be a teacher if you cannot carry out what you preach. I guess that it's with this belief that brings me so much insecurities about myself, not only in RVMUN abut in band as well. While I have a sensitive heart and mind, I have no real talent physically and intellectually. I ask my events team to put up the decorations, but in actual fact I don't really know how. I ask my band juniors to play the drumset but I know that if they ever ask me to demo a part for them............ Yeah. Thus when I ask my junior or my team mates to do something, I have this sense of incompetence because I know that my skills and knowledge is not on par with theirs.
But despite that, I'm really touched by the love I received from all the people around me who still cherish and loves me a lot despite my uselessness. LOL. After stepping down from band, every single one of my juniors in my section wrote me a letter and each bring back fond memories and tears to my eyes. I have juniors telling me that they wanna be like me one day, I have juniors confessing their love for my presence, I have juniors who thank me for things beyond band. And I feel that these are the things that make life worth it. And after RVMUN, I received heartwarming words of thanks and approval from people around me and it has really made everything worth it for me.
I admit that I need constant acknowledgements and approval. And I guess it stems from all the insecurities I feel about myself. I need people to tell me yeap you're doing it right, yes I'm proud of you, wow you're great etc. I can't get approval from myself because I always feel like I'm never doing enough. Perhaps it's due to high expectations I have of myself or maybe it's cause I'm well aware of my incapabilities. So, much as i need compliments and praises, criticism and disapproval crushes me the most. Another of my belief: "words are mightier than sword." Physical pain is not as tortuous as mental pain and because of the latter, many are forced to seek for the former so that they are tortured by something less painful. Which is why they say people who cut themselves or suicide are cowards, because they turn to physical pain to tune out the pain in their head.
But because of my vulnerability with words, right before RVMUN D&D begin, I asked people how was the decorations and when Mr Chia said "Meh. Ok." I was really depressed about it so much so that my eyes became moist. It's something that I keep having to learn, and that is, you can't please the whole world. There are bound to be people who will not be impressed and there will be people who are pleased with what you've done. Despite clearly knowing this, I was tremendously disappointed when many teachers see the place and their faces flashed "Meh." But nonetheless, I think my team has really done a great job and I'm really proud of them and the magical place they've turn my bandroom into.
This event also showed me how indecisive I am. Especially over big decisions. When we went to purchase props and gifts for RVMUN D&D, I was constantly asking my people, so should we get this? Blue or white? How many? Is it enough? Maybe we should get more? Will it be within the budget? So blue or white? I guess it goes back to how I overthink things and how I fear that the things I chose won't give me the best outcome and another choice will come along and give a better result. But while I'm indecisive, I lack trust in people and that has gotta be one of the worst combinations ever.
Just one night and one simple MUN journey and I learn so much more about myself. I feel like I've aged 2 years overnight. LOL. Perhaps they are things that I've always knew but didn't acknowledge nor think about it before but I guess now that I am more aware, I can deal with certain difficulties better? So note to self: 1) don't keep everything to myself (though I'm really used to this); 2) don't take to heart what everyone says and have more confidence in myself; 3) learn to trust the people I work with.
During the three days of MUN, I was telling people about how doing this made me realize that I don't wanna organize big scale events or try to emcee ever again but it was only after everything was over did I realize that man, that was a exhilarating ride. Things that it made me realize about life: 1) nothing EVER goes as planned; 2) the preparations are a chore, the process isn't easy but when you put in effort, you will be rewarded in the end. It's not about the height of the mountain that you overcome, it's about the climb.
This is my second time being an emcee. My first was when I was 14 and I did a gameshow for my batch in the school hall. Now that I think back about it, I realize that I was also sharing the stage then with Amy. Hahaha talk about affinity and fate. But I guess that wasn't a big deal because it's just an internal event and it's just my batchmates. I know the RV culture and am used to it. But this time, emceeing for RVMUN D&D, there are people from other schools and their personalities are very different from us RVians. So I wasn't sure of what to expect, (I guess this explains my insecurities).
I don't have a lot of friends outside RV. I guess you can call me a very exclusive person because I work very hard in maintaining my relationship within my small circle of close friends. Not everyone can come into this circle. Above all else, I detest superficial and fake people and people who have double standards. Five minutes is the max for me when hanging out with this kind of people. But so long as you are genuine and sincere, and be yourself, you can easily enter my circle. You can be mean or bad tempered or stingy, I will forgive you again and again if that's how you're like but I really cannot stand fake personalities. I think it's a vice versa thing, if I expect you to be genuine, I myself will be sincere towards you too.
But RVMUN has shown me another kind of people whom I really don't wanna hang out with. The self-important people. (Nothing turns me off more than cocky and childish guys. Confident guys are charming but not cocky guys) People who put themselves in the centre and expect the world to revolve around them. I think it's important to enjoy yourself but not to the extent that you begin to neglect everything else around you. It's okay to crave for the spotlight but not when you do brainless things to attract attention. And this event seem to be a gathering of such people, with a few exceptions. Maybe your idea and thoughts are really out-of-this-world, maybe your jokes are uniquely hilarious but don't expect everyone to be interested in it or to be impressed by you.
If I ever make it to university, I hope I will be lucky enough to continue meeting awesome people every year, like how I'm blessed with a group of lovely girls in every class I've been in. :') maybe meet Mr Right too hahaha. I hope he drives cause I worry about the adult MRT and bus fares LOL. And please let him be able to cook to make up for my incompetence. :x It's scary thinking about the future and the unknown but DnD night has shown me that the unknown can be fun too. P:
When rehearsing for DnD, I was clinging onto my script and constantly fear that I'll be unable to respond to the crowd but when it was finally time, I realize that at times things to say can just come quite easily to me, even in front of a sea of strangers. I know that it's best to be myself and damn I'm so relieved that I was able to do it onstage. I wish my parents were there to see me, I wish "friend" was there to see me, to see how much I've grown and to be able to be proud of me, to see that despite all my stage-fright I'm able to hold myself well onstage. Even though I'm an extrovert and I seem really outgoing and loud, crowds of strangers really unsettle me. It makes me really self conscious and being a sensitive person, I will suddenly become attune to all kinds of different emotions and auras that I'm not used to. So the last three days in MUN, I don't really enjoy the food thanks to the mob of people around. .... I really need to stop letting people get to me. LOL
Anyways, this has been a super long post about my self-discovery journey. So to conclude, I won't like to hold large scale event in the near future but I do wanna hold parties like this for my friends. And this has become a new dream of mine. If I grow up to be a counsellor (ultimate dream no.1) with my own counselling centre, every Friday night I will hold a themed party for ALL my clients/patients in my counselling centre. (For the depressed to make friends and let them know that they're not alone in the challenges they face. Hahaha) So other than having a counselling room, I must remember to build space to have an events room in my centre. Hahaha. And maybe hold parties there for my friends' birthday and reunion gatherings too! Does it sound achievable? :3
Anyways I really have to thank a special group of people for being there for me during this entire RVMUN DnD journey. Mr Koh, I can't stress enough how bless I am to have you as a supervising teacher, I hope that we can be good friends upon my graduation! You can come for free counselling/talking crap session after I open my counselling centre! Wait I mean free of charge for first year but standard charges in subsequent years. LOL! Annie, I'm so glad you're my boss :') although I know you're annoyed about me missing deadlines etc. you never fail to make me laugh whenever I hang out with you. Hahhahahh. And you're so pleasant to look at. *WINKS* HAHAHAHAHA Amy, it's always a comfort to be around you and you really help to, for the lack of a better phrase, "calm my tits" LOL. If you weren't there on the stage with me that night, I'm pretty sure that I'll hyperventilate and faint from nervousness. LOL. I'm not sure when we'll have such a chance like this again but you really are one of my favourite person in this world and I wouldn't have been able to do it without you.
Kaiwen, thank you for your unique sense of humour which makes the past three days together with Kaipun last awkward and I think partly why he became more comfortable and himself in the events team is thanks to you and Amy hahahaha. I'm never good with socialising with RV guys hahahah. Thank you for being so reliable and always peng wo de chang hahaha.Huimin, I think you received too little credit for everything that you've done. Thank you for helping out in every way that you can and I'm sorry if I din spend much time with you and is constantly running around or deep in thoughts. :( Yiling, for being such a drama-mama and drama-tised the atmosphere in the history room every time you appear. Hahahahaha it would've been boring shit without you man. And your professionalism keeps me in awe of you. Hahahaha and Kaipun, for being the only guy in the team and for being a junior at that. For taking up the little sai kang that I keep throwing to you. I really appreciate it dude. And Mr Mezz, for all your morning talks and entertainingly random "situations", one being your first encounter with the water babies. Quoting mezz: "*see water babies* I like these things! *touch water babies* URGH YUCK" LOL.
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