50 days of grey ,
Tuesday, June 10, 2014 | 11:08 PM
Day 1
It hasn’t got into my head, that you’re already gone. I don’t quite believe it and I cant convince myself to.
Day 2
I couldn’t concentrate on anything, and waited aimlessly for your call and text, hoping that it has just been another one of our random fights.
Day 3
This uneasy feeling, it consistently pesters me and I fight back my tears.
Day 4
I started to find anything that I can find that’s related to you. I googled your name, I searched for your online networks, I stared at your whatsapp status, waiting for you to be “online”. But you still remained silent.
Day 5
I went a step further and went to your neighbourhood. I sat at the bus stop across your block from the afternoon till evening. I didn’t get to see you.
Day 6
I started to doubt myself and questioned my attractiveness, my value. Why is it that it’s so easy for you to leave me?
Day 7
I couldn’t take it anymore and texted you. You took hours to reply, I knew because I counted the minutes and seconds that passed, but I’m glad you did.
Day 8
Our talk didn’t last even for a day. You are always “busy”. I wonder if it’s your polite way of saying “you’re boring”
Day 9
I tried to keep myself busy too, and started to read novels to stop thinking about you, watch variety shows to have something to laugh about. The happiness is short-lived.
Day 10
I broke down in tears. I don’t know whether it’s because the loss of you finally got to me or because the main character in the novel left the girl, maybe it’s because the story reminded me of you. But no matter the reasons, I’m sure you are part of it.
Day 11
I tried to escape reality again and again. I sleep more often than usual. I stayed away from my phone because every text that doesn’t come from you, makes me so disappointed each time.
Day 12
I started to write a long letter, I wonder if it’ll move you.
Day 13
I threw the letter away, it makes me look weak and desperate.
Day 14
I’m starting to get used to things without you. Hanging out with and talking to my friends helped a lot.
Day 15
A guy friend texted me, after seeing my emotional tweets online. I allowed myself to be charmed by him.
Day 16
After a heated text discussion with him, I went to meet that guy, while I was with him, I forgot about everything else. But after I left, I started feeling cold again. Then I realize I always give my fullest attention to whoever I’m with and I’m always happy around my friends but as I give away my warmth, not all of them give some back in return. But you, you always made sure that I’m never cold. But that’s all in the past, when you left you took everything and made sure that I can never have them back.
Day 17
I doubted that I can ever fall in love again. I cried again that night, it was so painful that I have to continuously gasp for air.
Day 18
I feel like I’m dead but breathing.
Day 19
I deleted your contact. I made a new decision. If some other guy is giving me a chance, why am I denying myself of it?
Day 20
I agree to meet him the next day. But I couldn’t help noticing how his texts doesn’t make my heart skip a beat like yours (even though yours are mostly one worded reply) and how the date the next day doesn’t make me excited. I don’t need you to be replaced. I need to get over you.
Day 21
It was more fun than I expected.
Day 22
I wonder if I’m taking things too fast.
Day 23
It’s true. They say to love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely. He wasn’t even my type. His character is too impatient for my liking.
Day 24
I caught myself thinking about you again and I wondered if you miss me like how I miss you. I wondered whether your “words of love” are actually sweet nothings, meaningless sweet-talking to humor me.
Day 25
Is it just me? I think the girl in the mirror used to be prettier and happier. I wonder if she’s missing something. Her eyes look empty, I wonder if it reflected her soul.
Day 26
I cannot go on like this. You’ll probably be disgusted with me when you know how insecure and desperate I really am. Deep inside, I wish you’ll realize that you should be taking responsibility.
Day 27
Deleting your number had been pointless. I have already memorized it long ago. I even remembered that your phone number’s last four digits are your birth month and year.
Day 28
Stayed out late with my friends but I have to travel home alone. I fear the dark … nearly called you again. Well … I learnt that I can be brave when I have no choice but to be.
Day 29
Are breakup songs always this bittersweet and heart-wrenching?
Day 30
My friends asked if I’m okay. Sure I am, I told them. It’s his loss not mine, I boast with fake confidence and cheerfulness. One of them noticed and texted me that night … I broke down again.
Day 31
But without realizing it, I got used to his absence. I wonder if it’s my own loneliness and insecurities that gets to me
Day 32
“Maybe I really don’t need you after all.” I texted him, praying that he’ll figure that he wants me to need him.
Day 33
My phone reminds silent. No calls, no texts from him.
Day 34
OH. A message! “Are you free this afternoon?” … It’s not from him. I wonder when was it that I start to feel this attachment to my bed.
Day 35
Oh my, the exam period is coming again soon. I better do something and perhaps get my mind off things.
Day 36
Stayed back in school until 6pm plus to study and now I’m too tired to think about anything else.
Day 37
Maybe I should sign up for some CIP.. I’ve always find joy in those sorta things.
Day 38
Studying in school till late again, man I wish someone can send me home.
Day 39
Is it just me or has there been lots of couple around lately?
Day 40
I should cut my hair… significantly, … to signify a new start.
Day 41
Woah my head suddenly feel very light and weightless. But I miss braiding and bun-ning my hair. Damn, not a good time to remember that you prefer girls with long hair
Day 42
Went for window shopping with my girls today, so many things that I wanna get… WOAH I should get that shades for you, it’s totally your style! Wait.. Why am I thinking about you again.
Day 43
Accepted into the CIP that I signed up for! Maybe I can meet a hot and cute guy through this event!
Day 44
Who am I kidding.. I’m never lucky in these kinda stuff. And those who promised that they’ll stay, never did. You have proven that to me.
Day 45
Why do I keep comparing every guy to you and why is it that so many things remind me of you.. or have I always been like this ever since I knew you?
Day 46
Even though I keep thinking about you, I realize that I really don’t know you well enough...
Day 47
I started to find anything that I can find that’s related to you. I googled your name, I searched for your online networks, I stared at your whatsapp status, waiting for you to be “online”.
Day 48
This uneasy feeling, it consistently pesters me and I fight back my tears of frustration and confusion.
Day 49
I couldn’t concentrate on anything, I needed an answer. I waited aimlessly for a miracle, hoping that all this has just been a bad dream.
Day 50
Then it strikes me, that all along, it hasn’t got into my head, that you’re really, truly, gone. All this while, I never quite believed it and I can’t convince myself to. ... I haven’t gotten anywhere since Day 1, is this going to repeat (again)?
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