Guilty as charged ,
Sunday, April 20, 2014 | 10:45 PM
This is how tired I look recently and I think I am doing a worse and worse job keeping in my tiredness and unhappiness. More than anything, I’m most stress about band and HaCAS right now. Band performance is in two weeks and I have yet to memorize what I need to memorize. I haven’t been going to enough practices and the guilt is killing me. Honestly speaking I cant face my sections properly because I feel like I’ve let them down the most. I didn’t want to take part in the performance at first but my two favorite juniors (I love all of them but I gotta confess to my ultimate biasness for these two) have asked me to perform because this will truly be our last performance together.
I tear in almost every band practices. The memories, the stress, it gets to me.
My eyes get teary when the music gets so good I get goose bumps (lucky for me I am pitch deaf so it sound good to me when I can feel the emotions from the music). My eyes get teary when we played familiar songs that we’ve played before and I remembered my seniors playing the same songs with me, like Disney Classics during Istana Performance two years ago with Zile’s and Sally’s batch, like AKB which reminded me of the UCC stage I was on with Yuhua Bandsmen, Sally and Fengxian. Man.. I miss my “comfort people”.
But my heart aches the most when, in the middle of the song, when I turned to my fellow section mates, I see their head nodding to the same beat that I’m moving to, I see their smile when our eyes meet, I feel their enjoyment in playing the song, and I know it’s a feeling of belonging and bliss that I am going to miss. More than anything, I am going to miss their smiles, and stifled laughter which burst at the most inappropriate times (especially when Ms Chan is lecturing).
The most important lesson band has taught me, you can never really run away from anything.
Went for this (compulsory, thank you RV) Chinese talk the other day, and one of the speaker said something which I really agree to. “My time in Junior College has showed me that in this world, there really exist the “naturally perfect people” – those with the looks, the body, the brains, the personality (yes even this), the financial backing, the perfect family, the ideal boyfriend/girlfriend (since forever and always together) and the circle of friends you always want to join but could never really belong to. And try as you might, you will always find yourself lacking in comparison with these “perfect people”, sure they have issues but certainly problems of a far smaller degree. The reality is that you can never compete with these people.”
I’m pretty sure all of us have a certain someone who comes into our mind while reading that right? Nope not for me, I have a GROUP of people in mind when I hear what she said. People whom I know from my JC, people whom I’ve heard about from other JCs – those girls with “everything”. Sure it makes me green with envy (geez, using this phrase grossed me out), and sure it makes me close to punching the air and screaming “THE WORLD IS SO UNFAIR!” but personally, I don’t think I deserve it all.
I don’t deserve to be rich because I waste food (at home but not in school cause I am like forever hungry in school) and because I am not hardworking enough. I always feel like I ought to try taking a part time job when I’m free but I have never got round to it. So I have yet to taste the hardship of earning money (the marathon CIPs doesn’t count because I was having fun and it was mostly for CIP). Lastly I don’t deserve to be rich because I lied to my parents to get more pocket money before (more guilt there).
I don’t deserve to be good-looking because I judge people’s fashion sense and appearance. And I’m sure if I look good I will be one hell of a cocky person because I can be quite egoist, I might just end up staring into my reflection all day. LOL. So all I ask for is a face which people find warm and friendly and approachable and feminine (and if I dare ask for more from the God of Looks, let me be mesmerizing and charming please).
So if anyone needs a reminder, it’s really alright to be imperfect when everyone else around you seem to be perfect. And you’ll feel mean and jealous about these people, you’ll try to dig for their flaws and try to prove that they’re imperfect too, (you think that you’re trying to prove to others but really, you’re just trying to prove to yourself that they’re not all that flawless afterall). Welcome to my world. And if you’re like me, you’d probably feel that you’re a devil and be all weighed down by guilt towards all these meaningless jealousy, which you’re still trying very hard to grow up and out of.
To myself, I will probably say, well it’s okays, growing up take time and it’s good that I have come to identify and accept these childish emotions. But to you, I will say, “hurry up and be more mature please. /rolls eyes/”. Because it’s easier to forgive ourselves than to forgive others. If I procrastinate, I will give myself excuses, “it’s okays, I’m tired”, “it’s fine, it’s not that important anyways”. But if my friends procrastinate, I’ll be like, “aiya study la, later you regret how” or “huh what can you be so busy with that you forgot to finish your assigned part sia.” .. I truly madly deeply try very hard to purify my thoughts these days.
And you deserve to be happy, but please, not in front of me.
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