Thursday, February 13, 2014 | 12:23 AM
(I apologise for the lack of photos in this post. It's not because I'm lazy but cause I'm blogging from the IPad and I haven't figured out the mechanism of how it works yet. Sigh)
The dreaded time of the year is here. Valentines Day. Yayyy /cue Ms Chitra fake enthusiastic cheer/ I have a love-hate relationship with V day. I love the idea of everyone expressing love for everyone, but I hate the big hooha about it. And all guys seem to shun me on V day. Must be some unwritten rule or agreement that I never knew about. I have my fair share of relationship with guys, but somehow at this time of the year, I'm always single. But what I cannot stand most I guess, is that during this period, I feel extra attention-needy. Because of the significance of that day I always let myself feel the high hopes that I know will always come crashing down.
When I close my eyes, I imagined your hands stroking my hair, and that's how I get by every night. It makes me cry, but it helps me to sleep.
People do selective hearing all the time. I think that half the time, our sixth sense knows what's going on and we subconsciously shut off some voices, filter our vision. We accept and remember things we want to hear and we rephrase mean things we hear to make ourselves feel better. And we constantly do all this little lying to ourselves. Personally, I don't do little lies, I do big deception and denial. But at least I don't let someone else decide what's true for me.
Anyways, was doing personality test (which we do a lot of, especially me and Shirley I think) in class de other day with le girls. I was trying to think of a reason why we do all this kind of personality tests and Terence made a valid point about it but which I didn't want to admit to. "We want to hear certain things we have always thought about ourselves coming from someone else." Something good and perhaps some sort of approval. The results of these tests will give certain sentences that we can relate and agree to (by chance or by science that will be for further discussion), and we will remember those phrases, and fit it into us.
Making us into thinking that, yes this is accurate. But he strongly believe (I can still remember how ji dong he was when he talked about it) that personality tests are not accurate (except maybe that universal one which I cannot remember the name as of now), but I beg to differ. Because I believe that there is a reason for everything. There's a reason why we have different answers to the same personality test, there is a reason why we can relate to the result given (no matter whether it's untrue or unproven, yet).
One of the reasons why I want to study psychology was this. I think people is one of the most interesting subject to study and it is constantly evolving and ever-changing. If there really is a science behind it, I would love to know it. What makes me chose a blue polka dots socks over a pink stripes one? Is it that blue represent something in my life that I have at the back of my mind? Like this blue coloured card I received from "friend" once? What makes me chose a lacy wedding gown over a flowery one in another test? Is it that I am a different kind of feminine deep inside?
Back to the personality test that I said my class people were doing. That test gave me a different experience and taught me something new. It's not from the results but from the process of the test. It was a test about choosing your favourite 'door' given ten options - each with a different colour, different design and different feeling. When I was choosing my "door", I decided to chose one that will "fit my ideal home".
What I mean by that, is that the door can open to many other places, to work, to a friend's house, to an event, etc. and I decided to chose a door, whose design looks like it will open up to a warm and comfortable home. The result says yours truly is a stable and wholeness person, appreciating safety and security (yes I am not a very exciting gal) and a other stuff which I still find fitting but am too lazy to type out. But after the doing of the test and the discussion about personality tests, I asked the rest and they said that they din really think about the door but just chose what they really feel drawn to.
Unconsciously, which door, do our hearts want to open the most?
I know I want to find the door to happiness. But I have yet to define what happiness is to me. I am just enjoying the little moments of happiness I receive and experience and feel now and then, rather than indulging and basking in happiness. I want to laugh and let the laugh stay on my face and in my heart, instead of laughing, then the smile slowly fading and then the wave of fatigue takes over again. ... Screw you A Levels.
Anyways, speaking of people, I CANNOT understand the 2000s kids. They are really a new generation of people brought up by technology, and a totally-secure environment (well in the case of Singapore anyways). Speaking of which, was having GP lecture today (one class attending the "lecture" only LOL) and there were many things which once happened in Singapore that I never would've imagined. Like how the govt once tried to make the educated people (those with degree) to breed more and encouraged the not-so-smart one to sterilise. It surprised me because I thought we were a cooler and less-shallow society than that. (But at that time I guess it's really "Bo bian".) There is no such thing as an ideal birth control policies.
I didn't intend to talk about policies.... Back to the 2000s kiddos. I think they are more comfortable with electronic gadgets than with people and I think that's really sad. And most of them are being nurtured to be keyboard warriors (who are actually people who are too humji to stand up for themselves in real life), feeling safer to speak their mind when they can hide behind the screen. And a lot of them cannot adapt easily to changes in environment, and many are too afraid to come out of their comfort zone.
Other than my interactions with my brother's friends, my only other interactions with the 2000s kids is with my band juniors. The rare times that I take them (year 1s and 2s) for sectionals, their behaviour just make them seem socially awkward. The hiding-behind-my-friend(-because-my-senior-looks-too-sexy-for-me) action (I cannot tahan this because it makes the person seem puny and makes me feel unapproachable which is not the case), and then there's the 'shifty eyes' when you're talking to them and NOT ONCE will they look into your eyes (I admire thy's ability to be able to see me and understand me and my body language without looking at me /applause/), and then there's the judging you face (because generation gap makes whatever I'm talking about sounds like alien language).
But I'll still try my best for them and I hope my juniors won't have that much issue with them. Hopefully, I'm overthinking and maybe they are okay people and perhaps they don't have attitude problems. .... Who am I kidding. Anyways, I think I disappointed Ms Chan today and I am furious with myself (which puts me in a really bad mood). And V day is around the corner! (Double le bad mood)
I don't want somebody just to get me through the night,
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