I am forced by the passing of time, the transition of life stages, and the expectations of society to grow up and to behave like a "grown-up" (whatever that would constitute). But here, I would just be a little childish, a little self-centered, a little irresponsible, a little too honest but also a little too pretentious.

24, and still counting.




Kept all my past posts intact because my past was what made me, me. Deleting them doesn't change who I am so I revisit my memories sometimes, to learn and to laugh at my past mistakes.

(Just kidding, I revert some posts to drafts because I'm utterly embarrassed.)


January 2011
February 2011
March 2011
April 2011
May 2011
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
September 2011
October 2011
November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
March 2012
April 2012
May 2012
October 2012
November 2012
April 2013
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
October 2013
November 2013
December 2013
January 2014
February 2014
March 2014
April 2014
May 2014
June 2014
July 2014
August 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2014
January 2015
February 2015
March 2015
April 2015
May 2015
June 2015
July 2015
July 2016
October 2016
December 2016
January 2017
March 2017
April 2017
May 2017
June 2017
July 2017
October 2019
December 2019
April 2020
May 2020


Designed by: Ahting

I caught myself thinking about you again and I really need to stop doing that.

Valentines is just over and I had been thinking about the sweetest things a guy has done for me and the sweetest thing I've done for a guy. I still remember the sweetest thing a guy ever done for me: we were having dinner together and he stopped me from having cold drinks (probably some chilled tea, I can't remember, and I never take carbonated drinks unless desperate). I didn't understand why a good gentleman wouldn't let a poor girl quench her thirst.

Then he said, "Your mense is coming, you should refrain from drinking cold drink or else you're gonna get those bad cramps again and it hurts me to see you in such pain, especially when I couldn't do anything about it." Surprised, I asked him how did he know my mense is coming when I don't even know it myself (somemore is yours truly's own body yeah?) and he said, "oh I downloaded this app on my phone and recorded your last cycle and then it will calculate when your next cycle will come. Then if you PMS I will pamper you more because I know it wouldn't be your fault."

It is not some expensive jewellery, not some gigantic teddy bear (although I really LOVE giant teddies), not some outrageous bouquets of flowers but it is definitely one of the sweetest thing a guy has ever done for me. I don't even record my mense! (Okay not at that time. I do now though) mense cramps has got to be the worst physical agony my body has been and is going through quite often. I remember there was this time "friend" had to go get for me the pink mense panadol in de middle of the night because it was so bad I couldn't sleep and staying awake was too painful.

For me personally, the sweetest things I do has got to be all my love letters (quality-assured) and mushy messages. There was once I quarrelled with "friend", then we stopped talking and I felt really bad about it that night so despite having school the next day, I spent the whole night writing three separate essays-long love letters, sealed with an envelope with the phrase, "open when you need to know how much I love you". Then in the morning, I dropped de letters off at his door before going to school (and despite all the extra travelling, I wasn't late for school. So I really don't get it why some people has issues with punctuality. If you are going to be late, it just means that I am not worth waking up earlier for and you don't treasure the time you are going to spend with me uh)

Speaking of how precious time is, because of my strict father, the time I get to spend outside is limited and I really cherish the little time I get to spend with my friends. I remembered there was once I was going to meet "friend" and I was anxious to meet him, to spend more time with him, we arranged to meet at 8am in de morning. He woke up at 10am. I waited under his block for more than two hours (literally). LOL. If you ask me, no I don't really regret it. Because sometimes.... Some people are worth waiting for, (If you disagree, you probably haven't found THE one yet)

And secondly, there was this auntie. She came down for breakfast at 8am plus, then at 9am plus, she was waiting for the lift then she asked me whether I was waiting for someone. Then I said yeah but I think he still sleeping. So she waited with me! LOL. Then when "friend" finally came down, she lectured him for making a girl wait for so long. Is this what they call a modern day version of saving a damsel in distress? Not that I'm in any form of distress other than the anxiety of waiting.

I love being around him and I miss being with him. He just makes me feel safe and warm and complete whenever he's around. I know I'll be protected, and taken care of and I can let my guard down, remove the walls I built against the world when he's there with me. No other guy, nor my girlfriends, can make me feel like. With the rest of the world, I have to constantly filter my thoughts, think twice before speaking, refrain my actions and control myself thrice as seriously. I have to worry about hurting or offending them but with him, I know I will be forgiven eventually. (Maybe not this time though. I have gone too far this time)

He calls me stupid all the time. Yes I feel insulted each time he does that but I know that deep inside him, beneath all the mean and arsehole words that he spit out, he really love(d) me. He calls me "silly" in such an affectionate and adorable way that... Thinking about it now makes my heart feels like it is being stabbed a million times over. What will I give, just to have him hurl words of abuse at me again...? Because I would rather spend my days arguing with him, than kiss another guy. I would rather fight to exhaustion to be with him, than to spend a happily ever after with another guy.

But of course if I were to see him again, with another girl in his arms, I'm gonna smile. A smile full of "man, I'm so glad for you", mixed with, "...I wish that girl is me." I have been practising that smile recently in case I really see him on the streets one day (yes life loves throwing surprises like these) .... I hope I will be able to hold back the tears though....

I have tons of messages which I screenshot in my phone from him (because I am the sentimental kind) which will make people go AWWWW for me if I mention it here. Which I won't, because for one, I'm a nice girl so I wouldn't try to make my readers jealous and two, I don't want people to pity me for losing sucha sweet guy (he can when he wants to be) :x so I will talk about the messages which I screenshot from friends, talking ABOUT him.

Alicia: "are you two still talking?"
Me: "not really, why?"
Alicia: "can you teach me how did you get over him?"
Me: "I think I never did. LOL"

And I never will. But I accepted it already.

As for my new love, (whom I have yet to meet of course). I promise that I will learnt from all my lessons, and try not to let history repeats itself. And I will love you more than what you think this little broken and stained heart can offer :p ... I may sound like I am making a promise to someone who has yet to exist, but actually this is a promise to myself. .... I guess I have been and am, a easy person to leave because I hold no value nor significance nor uniqueness.

I told myself that I will end this post on a happy note so let's move on to happier things to talk about. (But if halfway it becomes heart-wrenching again, please forgive me because I seem to have a knack for that). Anyways, went to Mr Tan BJ's house the other day and it was really fun with the 6F people there - Kaiwen, Jialing, Janice, Shirley, Brangelina, Waihong, Miaoye, Huimin, Pearly. Mr Tan's daughter really made my day too. I miss being able to observe little kids. (No I am not a pedo/child-stalker) Their innocence and pure mindset, their plain, obvious, unhidden, unmasked desire for attention and love and protection from their parents. Yeah we need to teach kids, teach them how to grow up but sometimes we need to look at them, and learn from them how to live.

Anyways, Mr Tan's daughter was climbing up Mr Tan agilely (who was sitting on a chair) and I was like, "Man... I used to have that skill..." LOL. My childhood was really sweet and fun and it's something I miss dearly, but, unlike the case with him, I've grown up, let it go, got over it and understand that the past is the past. I'm just glad that I was lucky enough to experience what it's like to have a complete and happy family, and what it'a like to be properly loved. :')
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