When you see the world in pink ,
Wednesday, January 1, 2014 | 10:01 PM
Maybe she was influenced by too many dramas/manga, maybe her head is filled with too many fantasies, maybe she is just selfish and wants to be the main lead. But she likes to see the guy crying over the girl he loves (because he didn’t realize what he had only till it’s too late). She secretly derives pleasure from the bittersweet feeling of seeing the guy in pain over a girl. She is not a sadist, she believes so. But she thinks that it’s too unfair when guys are always portrait to be the strong one when it comes to matters of the heart.
“Sometimes guys are weak too! They just hide it well!” Her male friends inform her. She thinks, well, that’s just because it doesn’t affect them enough. If they can hide the pain, if they can bear the pain… She believes that it is not painful enough. Because when the pain is unbearable, you can’t hold back the tears anymore. When the pain is unbearable, then you have really love. When he sees her with another guy, his legs gave way, and his tears run dry… She would like to see the expression on his face then. She would like to see him at loss.
She is not cold-hearted, she is not cruel, and nor is she a sexist. She just wants to see the existence of love, from a guy. She believes that you have either love all along, or you have never loved at all. How can one ever fall out of love? When you fall, it’s either you fall in(to a hole) or you fall down (onto the floor), falling out… is against the laws of physics. You don’t “stop loving someone”. You mistook another feeling for “love”.
He’s cool and smart, I want to be closer to him. You admire him and you thought it was love. She’s beautiful.. Her smiles lit up the deepest part of my heart, and the way she walks makes me look twice at her. You are attracted to her, and you thought it was love. We want to hang out with a certain someone so much all the time, we want to be there for that someone all the time, that we thought we had “fall in love” with him/her. She doesn’t think that’s right. She doesn’t agree that’s love… Because that would’ve make her a bisexual.
She’s young, there’s still a lot to see, many out there, she has yet to meet. Who knows, maybe he is already reading this. Even though she said, “see the world in pink”, (please refer to this entry’s title), she believes love isn’t (only) pink. It is yellow, of brightness and joy; it is green, of spring, renewal, hope and growth. It is blue, of peace and harmony, but at the same time, cool and full of depress. It is red, of anger and jealousy. It is black, of submission and at the same time protection, all the while mysterious. It is also white, pure and innocent. It is brown, think of the earth, solid and reliable. It is definitely pink, for romance and unconditional love. She is not trying to be cliché, talking about colours. She is trying to say, love doesn’t “just work out” because it encompasses so many things. And she wonders, which, are you ready to share?
Do not ask her to define what love is, her mind is much more of a mess than yours right now. She suppose, that people should just come to terms that certain things in the world cannot be defined. We can agree to a concept, but we can also agree to a concept that contradicts the first. She hears of too many quotes that contradict each other but which still explains life. (She guess she enjoys irony and paradoxical situations and sayings too, on top of watching guys breaking down).
There is a Chinese saying that says women are made of water, and guys are made out of mud. According to Wikipedia (because she is too lazy to check out other sources), mud is a mixture of water and some combination of soil, silt, and clay. Water is what made mud soft, made “mud” gentle. Mud is not mud without water. But she suppose “mud” is too prideful to admit so. Mud thinks water is weaker than he is, because he can be used to build sturdy infrastructure while all water can do is flow. But mud forgot that water is a necessity (one can die within three days without it, according to primary school sciences), and when water come in full force (think Tsunami), water can break down mud.
She would like to see, a guy acknowledging that he needs her more than she needs him. She would like to see, a guy cherishing a girl’s sacrifices and efforts. She would like to see, a guy understanding that while she is fragile, she can be his strength. She would like to witness, something real and not something from the movies, not something scripted “based on a real life story”, not something that’s written in black and white. She would like to witness it with her own eyes, before she gives up on the true love theory.
She doesn’t ask for much, for her heart to be touched. She doesn’t expect much from a world enveloped in their own worries, own troubles. She knows that’s everyone’s different, and that one guy’s personality and behavior doesn’t apply for the rest but she sees too many similarities and patterns that each one of them just keep failing her test.
“She’s just trying to make herself sound nice and above the rest”, she hears you say.
“That’s great,” she thought, “Then prove me wrong in your own way.”
A few years back, she attended her aunt’s wedding. During the reception, she left a message for the newly-weds, she wrote, “Show me what love is. (:” It was her own way of giving them her blessings, but a few years later, she is left disappointed, as she witnessed another mismatch in her family of mismatch. Well, she is attending one of her cousin’s marriage in 19 days. ... She just hopes to see a happy family.
All she can say, is that she doesn't bother about 11:11 anymore
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