Mirror mirror on the wall ,
Sunday, January 26, 2014 | 11:42 PM
Wasn’t sure what to blog about but got the desperate crave to blog. Was desperate enough to even go and google the January blog challenge to find a topic for this uncreative brain of mine. So I found one that said 26th: ‘Share – A difficult time in your life’. Personally, there are lots of painful moments that I can still vividly remember. But for this post, I will avoid talking about family, studies and relationships issues (because everyone already knows these were/are the obstacles of my life). Anyways, this post is dedicated for the sadists out there.
A difficult time in my life is when I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror. LITERALLY. I guess everyone sees me as the girl who is always checking out the mirror at her own appearance but actually whenever I look into the mirror, I am checking my hair and I seldom look at my own face. So I always have this impression of how my face looks like and for a period of time I honestly thought that I am quite a good-looking girl.
But guess the shock I got when I start to really look and study my own face, when I start seeing myself instead of just giving a glance at my own reaction (if I’m not wrong it is around year 2/fourteen-years-old?). My life till that point has either been in self-deception or self-denial. Before that, whenever I am with people, I have this image of myself that they see when they look at me. Lets just say the image I have of myself is nowhere near the real me.
Why is this a “difficult time”?
Because facing the truth hurts. And believe it or not, it is difficult. Very difficult.
But what took the blunt of the blow at that time was my ego. (Yeah I can’t believe my ego used to be bigger than my current ego. LOL. How is that even possible right?) When I start to really “see” myself, all I can notice are all the flaws that I have – my single eye-lid (I detest this feature the most), my larger-than-it-should-be nose (this come in a close second), my pimple-scars-filled skin and while we’re at it, my broad shoulders and flabby arms.
Before I continue, I would like to first declare that I am not a worshipper of self-pity. I complain that my life sucks, I have no luck, and I wish for improvements but I don’t ever pity myself. (My ego is too big for that anyways LOL) And I have no need to pity myself. (Remember, this kind of things, it’s always about the perception)
Personally, I LOATHE people who always talk/blog/spam the social networking sites about wanting to die/deserving to die. (I'm sorry (not sorry,) I don't feel you) I am not heartless, but it really makes me sick.. Pity, like respect, has to be earned. I honestly think some people don’t even deserve to be pitied. Sigh. And someone who seeks suicide as a way out is not a broken person. I think the saddest people out there, are the ones who are suffering continuously, silently but yet optimistically. The ones who were never given a chance, but will never bend to fate.
Back to my ugly features that I was whining about.. I was a kid who had always been believed that everyone I met, they will always love me from first sight (Such huge ego right?! I know! Sobs). I had such confidence in my looks that I never had much self-doubt/ insecurity and I’m not a very self-conscious kind of girl. By the way, caring about looks does not make one shallow. It is human nature and is a necessity (because firstly, first impression counts and secondly, how you are on the outside reflects what you are on the inside to an extent). So what is a shallow person? One who thinks it is ALL about looks. Meh.
So came the insecurities when I become more self-aware. And I guess it was partly the reason why I USED TO be so high-profile on Facebook. Now looking back, I regretted the time I wasted uploading all the zipai/selfie and the random updates and quotes that people will ‘like’/give a thumbs-up but they don’t really appreciate it nor know how to. (I don’t blame them though, I figured it’s something technology does to us. Everyone is just copying and pasting quotes/sayings/“interesting things” every time everywhere that it’s hard to be cooler than others nowadays)
I didn’t realize that I was seeking assurance and acceptance and approval about my physical appearance and my (self-created) online persona (I labelled it the online persona because due to that personality I portrayed on Facebook, too many people has the wrong impression of me, and not a good one at that). Although I admit that there have been countless fun times during that period, compared to then, my life definitely feels more meaningful now. Not realizing what I was missing out on/truly needing and chasing after the wrong things in life is definitely a period of time which.. Once is enough.
I think “difficult times” can only be labeled as “difficult” if, having gone through it, it has made you grown, made you stronger, and made you change (for the better hopefully). It is not “difficult times” if you cry your heart out about it and the only thing that has change about you is that your eyes have become more red and puffy.
Anyways guess what? Actually, I am sick of what I am blogging about nowadays because I feel that my words are always “politically right answers” but man it’s honestly what I think and feel and I guess it’s uncool to be such a righteous person. I'm not extremely optimistic nor am I a pessimist so it makes me kind of boring. So here's a different point of view from someone who is an "in between". :) But well here goes a (self-disgusted) quote about what I’m feeling right now: Before I sleep, I make a little wish, to never wake up from this dream tonight.
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