Hope in the things unseen ,
Tuesday, January 21, 2014 | 10:12 PM
I don’t usually blog on weekdays because it takes up too much of my study time but these two days, due to many negative emotions, I can’t really study so I shall now blog to destress. Turned 18 six days back and unlike previous birthdays, I really (scarily,) felt a changed within me. A mixture of excitement, expectations but mostly dread and nervousness and anxiety. (these feelings are still lingering even though my special day is over and) For those of you out there who thinks having many people telling you that you’re finally “of age” is cool, ... No. It’s not cool at all.
For all the things you have pushed away, the people, the issues, you have never dared to face or challenge, you will suddenly feel the rush to confront them. You will find yourself, running out of excuses to say, “no, I will decide later, for I am too young for this.” You will find that people no longer make excuses for you, “well, she’s too young to understand anyways, I’ll forgive her then.” And then come the self-doubt, “what have I achieve so far that I can be proud of?” (if you must know, I blanked out at this question .. Hifive?)
After receiving all the birthday cards and letters, I selected a few to pin up on the wall in my room. And while looking through photographs of my past birthdays celebration (also on the wall), it’s obvious how far my family has drifted apart. On my first birthday, my parents were by my side holding my little baby arms and Baby Teh was just staring at the cake and they were blowing out the candles for me. We were in our Malaysia home (which is now being rented out to someone else) and what I like about the photo,
Not every photo can give off a cozy feeling. A couple may stand very close together and hold each other but sometimes it will still give off an empty feeling and the space between them (might not be observable with the naked eye but it) can be felt. My second birthday photo I have on my wall was from 2003. My two front teeth was missing and I was in the middle of two friends, my brother and my parents. The happiness and bliss coming out from the photo just makes my heart aches more.
The third birthday photo that I’ve put up, was my birthday in Secondary 3 and it is with my percussion family. There was Zile (two years older), Sally and Shiqi (one year older), Fengxian (one year older), and my beloved percussion little chicks: Cassandra, Eugene, Lionel, and Xinrui. I honestly miss the days with them. I love all the percussion family members I’ve been with (total: 33 to date) but these 8 people are the ones I hold most dear amongst all of them. Looking at the then and now, it is not just me, everyone has grown up (and sadly, apart). If I were to name a family I have had in RV, it will be them. I think percussion has been my greatest responsibility in RV and one my biggest regret (because I think I never commit enough). But I guess (or at least I hope they do) know that I will always love them even though I am not always there anymore.
P.S. I forgot to mention Malcolm (who is also a v.v.important friend I met thanks to percussion)
My last birthday photo I have on my wall was the one I took last year with my primary school clique: Charmaine, Alicia, Shini and Jieyin. I think we’re really lucky because not all primary school friends stay close and I guess I am EXCEPTIONALLY lucky for my birthday to be in January before all the tests start flooding us and we can still have the time to meet up and celebrate a happy occasion. How did we maintain our relationship?
Hmm.. I’m not sure either but when we’re in a group together again, it’s like we’ve been the best of friends all along. We don’t really text each other all the time or meet up on a regular basis but it’s like no matter how much we’ve changed individually while we’re apart, when we meet, we’re absolutely comfortable in our own skin. Which is why I really treasure this friendship a lot. Man now that I start talking about them, I start to miss them a lot again.. I guess that’s just the thing about childhood friends.
Memories come in pieces and fragment. We don’t remember the details, we remember the emotions. Sometimes the reasons for the emotions blur, sometimes we forgot the reason why we were laughing till our sides aches, why we were crying our heart out, why we panicked till we cannot sit still. But I realize, we always remember who went through it with us, we remember that what we felt, we remember that we were there. And to sum this all up, here’s a quote: “We remember that we cry, but not the reason why.”
Experiences however though, is not universal so this quote that I can relate to, you might not get it but it doesn’t matter! Speaking of experiences, I guess we always like to talk to people who can relate to what we are talking about and what we’ve been through before. BUT personally, I don’t like people to decide for themselves that they TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD me. I mean, I like friends who I talk to, to go, “IKR?!? I know how you feel man!” but I don’t like people to go on further, “Now I understand why you’re like this.”
Before I continue, here is a short intro: Hi I speak complication.
(Back to what I was saying.) I like to be undefined. In a way it makes me fit any definitions because there is no definite definitions about me. (When confused, refer to previous paragraph about the short intro) I don’t really like it when people call me a nice person because I have my mean side (which I think only “Friend” and my brother had dealt with it before) and it just makes me feel like: “If you call me nice, you don’t fully understand me and since you don’t, why are you acting like you do.” So personally, I think my closest and bestest (so cheesy to use this word, I myself bth) friends are the ones who accept me without the want/need to fully understand me (nor the want/need to know ALL of my secrets). “Boundaries kids,” – Quote Mezz.
Januarys has got to be my favorite month in the year. (Other than the obvious reason of because it is my birthday month,) It’s the month which I get to catch up with many people (I don’t do December despite it being the holidays due to circumstances that I am too tired to explain at the moment). It’s the month signaling a new start, a crossover to a new stage of life, which is why, it is a month filled with hope. It’s a time where I can tell myself, let bygones be bygones, sometimes, some things doesn’t matter. (I don’t do “letting go” in December because I believe that things end at the start of something. Example: I start to realize that I can live without you, therefore let us end. And not: Let us end because it feels like we are at the end).
P.S. I promise that I will improve my English so that I can write more comprehensive posts and bring my ideas/stand across more effectively. But till then, please bear with me. And I shall stop writing here, so till then, Adios
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