Wednesday, October 23, 2013 | 10:41 PM
This post will be dedicated to my father. After being inspired by a series of advertisements I watched by Yasmin Ahmad introduced to me by Jiawin. (Thank you Jiawin LOL) Anyways, for those who will probably not know, Yasmin Ahmad is a Malaysian director with advertisements that has won global recognition. Sadly, she passed away in 2009. But I want to thank her for the tears I’ve shed tonight. Yes crying can be healthy sometimes.
Tonight was a night of tears. It began with tears of anger. Just gotten back my report card, I passed it to my dad when I just got home from a day of doing PW. My results are bad. It’s just very bad. I have no other adjectives for it. But when he started scolding me for not trying, saying I should have done this and that, from consulting my tutors to putting in extra hours and trying various study methods, which I have already done, the tears came down for the efforts that he did not see me putting in.
I was angry that he did not understand what I was going through. He asked, “What you want? You tell me what you want so that you can improve.” My anger turned into grief as I think, “Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me?” He blamed it all on my usage of phones and computers. He said, “Why don’t you prove to me that I’m wrong then?”
“Don’t use your phone and see whether your results will improve. But even if you do badly, it’s your loss not mine.” If I were the me a year ago, I would’ve burst with anger, thinking, “Fine take my phone lor. Then when I fail, it’s all because last time I can get support from my friends when I am stress but because you take my phone away, now I’m doing badly.” But today, I surprised myself with the thought that I have: “It is a trap.”
It is a trap. If he takes away my phone and I do badly, it just proves to him that I am rebellious. If I do well, it just proves that he is right about the phone being a distraction. But if I continue using the phone and I don’t improve, it also proves that he is right, that the phone is causing me my results. But if I continue using the phone and my results improve, it proves that actually I could do it de, just that I didn’t put in enough effort. And so the tears fall again.
The tears fall because I am hurt that my dad will use such a way to trap me. The night of tears continue when I quarrelled with my “friend”. It started with something that happened last Saturday, 19 October. On Friday I asked him whether my PW group can borrow his car for a short while to film a video we need for PW Oral Presentation. He said that he might have work to do and cannot make it. So of course I will have to find other means right?
On Saturday morning, I asked my dad whether I could borrow his car. He asked about my project and the time and everything, then he agreed to lend me his car. So I went out in the morning to print my Written Report with my group at Sunshine Plaza in Bugis, and in de afternoon we film some parts of the video on the MRT and at the evening we went to my house to film the last part of the video. .. Under my dad’s supervision. LOL
It was kind of awkward for them to be around my dad so I really applaud them for passing my dad’s judgement and everything. After the filming they hung around my house for a bit and we talked and ate. Then I realized that I have a lot of messages. From my “friend”. Apparently he had no work after all and he had been around my neighbourhood trying to contact me and wanted to see me.
But as I was busy filming and everything, I didn’t see his messages and there weren’t any miss calls because his calls were cut off thanks to my phone’s dying battery. He thought I cut off his calls intentionally and that got him really annoyed. But anyways that’s not the main point. Anyways, because of all the drama and his wasted time spent in my neighbourhood, he was very upset and was very cold.
Then today, my PW group was looking at the finalized video we filmed after all the editing but due to the countless flaws, we decided to remake the video. So I asked my “friend” again whether he can help us. (Cause working with my father can be very pressurizing) He agreed at first then suddenly at night he said that maybe he got work. And then I told him that that’s what happened the last time too.
And so, that was why we quarrelled tonight. I asked him whether he will be like last time, last minute saying he is busy, last minute turning up and then when I cannot be there, take out his frustrations on me. Then he replied, “Nvm. Next time don’t ask me for favour. Feels like shit to help you.” These are most likely words of anger from him but it is depressing how someone you want to rely on, tells you, no I don’t want to help you.
And yes that’s another reason why my tears fell tonight. But... after watching the advertisements by Yasmin Ahmad, and tearing over it of course (I can’t help it, it touched my heart!), I realize that my father is ...Amazing. Such a cheesy word but he is worthy of it I swear. Let me explain myself.
Those who knows me, know how crazy and unreasonable my dad can get. His temper is out of control and he is the strictest parent all my friends have yet come across. So no, I have never been to kbox, I have not stay overnight in a chalet before, the latest time I reach home is 11pm plus and there are many curfews and rules he put on me. So why do I still call him amazing?
Because ... I realize...In my life, my father is the only person I can really truly rely on.
He always make me report what time am I going out, what time will I be home. Sometimes he stalks me to check on whether I am really at the place where I said I am. And if I tell him about my plans at the last minute, he will flare up and sometimes refuse to let me out and make me cancel my plans. But every time if I tell him I need help from him last minute, he will be there for me.
BUT BUT BUT, Which friend will wake up at 2am in the morning just to help you print a report you need to hand in the next day when you are 14? Which friend will, after seeing your GP paper result, immediately call up sources and connections to help you find a tuition teacher, and arrange a session for you that very weekend? Which friend, will get angry when you are sick, because he gets frustrated at how he fail to take good care of you and then worry for you and spend hours brewing some bitter shit that you refuse to drink, but he still make you drink it, knowing that you might get pissed off at him for forcing you to drink it? Which friend will rush over to pick you up when you are studying at the library till it closes because the night is dangerous?
Because ... I realize ... In his life, I am my father's top priority.
Maybe the way he expresses his love is a bit extreme and hard-to-understand at times. Maybe the way he sticks to his views and pride is annoying at times. Maybe when he does things his way, thinking that it will be the best for me, is frustrating at times. But in his life, I have always been his first priority. And it has been this way since I am in kindergarten.
It’s hard to believe it but as a child, I get homesick easily. I cry when I go to kindergarten and I would rather be home with my parents. I cry when my parents come late to fetch me home from the kindergarten. I cry when my parents did not come to see me perform. My mum, always come too late to fetch me home as she works in Bedok but we live in Batok. So my dad will always try to rush over to fetch me.
If he has a meeting with a client, he cancels it. If he hasn’t finished his work, he will put it aside and come fetch me. If he hasn’t eaten for a whole day and finally has time to sit down to grab a bite, he comes to fetch me first so that we can eat together. He is beyond stress with his work. And he takes the stress out on me and my brother. But along some time last year, I realize that, he works hard, so that our family will have money.
Money to buy food most importantly. Food is his top priority. He gets extremely pissed off if me and my brother does not eat on time, whether it’s breakfast, lunch or dinner. On weekends, he will give me and my brother money to go outside and da bao whatever we want for breakfast, fast food, slow food etc. But he himself will eat the biscuits he bought from Giant.
He shouts crazily when we don’t eat dinner on time. When I was about 13 to 15, I really really thought that he has gone mad. But now, I realize that he just doesn’t want us to get gastric like him because he skips lunch and sometimes dinner due to his work. He want us to eat at proper timing so that we don’t fall sick easily, and he always make sure that we got food to eat, even if it mean him eating maggi noodles instead.
There are still many things that he does that I don’t get why. Why would he do things like this or reacts in such an extreme way.. But tonight I found myself thinking: when I grow up, marrying someone like my dad might not be that bad after all. (... I just have to make EXTRA caution that I am nothing like my mum. .. But well, that’s another story for another day)
People like Isabelle, "Friend", Amy, Jialing, Rio, Shirley, Yiling and those who always hear me complaining and crying because of my dad will think... She siao liao… Why she think this way… But… my dad make me realize, that if someone is very important to you, no matter how busy you are, you will always make time for him or her. Even if it meant going out of your way to stalk the person and making sure that she is at where she said she is… just so that you know and can assure yourself that she is safe.
Anyways... I wrote this post in tears.
Because I just found out from my brother that, my father negotiated for a long time with this important client of his to change their meeting time last Saturday.
...Just so that he can be there for me when I film my PW video...
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