I am forced by the passing of time, the transition of life stages, and the expectations of society to grow up and to behave like a "grown-up" (whatever that would constitute). But here, I would just be a little childish, a little self-centered, a little irresponsible, a little too honest but also a little too pretentious.

24, and still counting.




Kept all my past posts intact because my past was what made me, me. Deleting them doesn't change who I am so I revisit my memories sometimes, to learn and to laugh at my past mistakes.

(Just kidding, I revert some posts to drafts because I'm utterly embarrassed.)


January 2011
February 2011
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September 2011
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November 2011
December 2011
January 2012
February 2012
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January 2014
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January 2015
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May 2020


Designed by: Ahting

And if you haven’t guesses by now, yours truly is afraid of being in dark places. The phobia for it is called Lygophobia. Today’s post is mostly about phobias that I have because I stumbled upon The Phobia List the other day. Looking at words that little would've knew existed and words that made little sense. And Lygophobia has gotta be the number one on my phobia list.

So when I go haunted house, (I’ve only been to two in my life, and I think two is a nice number and enough for me tyvm) I think I’m more afraid of being in the dark itself than all those scary people/things/images that I see. And in movie theatres, if I don’t stick my eyes onto the screen, I would actually feel faint when I look around in de dark (so Thank God for the light from the screen I guess). Walking home in the dark is the worst - Being giddy is one thing, freaking out is another.

I know that I wouldn’t suddenly be attacked and I’m aware of my surroundings, knowing what is there is there (people, potential rapists, robbers, snatch thieves etc.) and what is not there, wouldn’t be there (supernatural beings in short). But the saddest thing is, I will still be afraid.... Especially when I’m alone. (normally I’d call my “friend” cause his voice gives me strength and warmth) If I’m with people I wouldn’t be freaking out as much but I’d still feel dizzy and uncomfortable. I think the key is to keep the mind occupied about something else.



Surprise surprise! I have a fear for dining/dinner conversations (Deipnophobia). I know I’m seemingly sociable when I go out for meals and stuffs, but guise, things should never be taken as they are on the surface. I really thoroughly truly madly deeply enjoy eating outside with friends, but sometimes, after the meal, I would think about what I say and worry whether I talk/reveal too much, and whether they will judge me because of it. If you don’t get what I mean, just think about the feeling you get after you read an extremely good book or after you watched an awfully good movie. The feeling of the low, after the high.

So sometimes, I worry about the things that I have said/have not said and whether it all concluded in a good way. But the worst is probably the meals I have with my dad. We just have this heavy silence between us, never talking and only focusing on eating our food. The rare times that we would converse, is either my dad lecturing about studies, or him complaining about how hard his childhood was and how we have the better end of it all but do not how to appreciate. HA. If only he can see, what he had done to this family psychologically and emotionally. In conclusion, meals are awkward in our family.



The fear of dealing with insanity is called Lyssophobia. I realize I need to define what insane is before I deduce that I have this fear. From the dictionary, which we so often refer to, insanity is defined as “relatively permanent disorder of the mind”. Personally, I would say it as when someone don’t know what they are doing and why is it that they do what they did. And usually the things they do, is not what a normal person will do. … Who are we to define what is normal anyways.

Something I posted on Facebook when I didn’t have time to blog last month:

This morning on the bus, i suddenly heard this line: "只剩下六只牙还可以吃什么" and then ... "你等我啦带我走啦"

At first I thought it sounded quite cute. Like an innocent granny with worries, (I think greater than mine?) then after a while it felt kind of sad. Like, her worries are already foreseen, it will come. Just a matter of time. Whereas for mine, there’s actually something that I cans do. I mean you can’t stop old age catching up on you right? But for my worries and stress, if I work harder, things will be different.

The sad story does not end here. After the phone call, he old lady suddenly got up and walked from the front to the back of the double storey bus, asking "no teeth can eat what?" I cant decide whats sadder, people shunning away from her, flabbing her away or ... pretending that she isnt even there. I guess inside them, these people are afraid, thinking that she isnt mentally stable. But the thing is, even if she is mentally disabled, what harm can she bring to you? ... She's just asking what can she eat, not whether she can eat you.

But then agains, i guess if she does come to me, i would also be guilty of the fear. Fear that she may react weirdly if i respond to her, or fear that others might judge me or something in between the two, though more of the latter personally. This made me think about something very ironic. For CIPs, VIAs or any voluntary work, we chose to visit and help those mentally or physically disabled but when it comes to situations in real life, not only are we helpless but we also try to run away.

I guess the saddest part of the whole incident was, it showed me this wall between us and those who we cant understand. And it's all around us. Sometimes we call the wall generation gap (we dont get why our parents is treating us like this, so we build them out) or maybe even intellectual level. This wall, someone forgot to construct the door. So it's hard for either side to go in. .... Or to come out. It's not even about finding the key anymore.

Maybe one day I will further sharpen my poetic talents but this shall be the last poem of the post. LOL. Cocky Teh is getting cocky. LOL. Forgive me. Anyways, I think this fear, Nihilophobia, is a good fear. If one does not fear nothingness, emptiness, and instead embraces it, that person will become someone who is much less a human. What do I mean?

Have you ever stood in front of a mirror with a candle at a minute before midnight? In your head, you’re thinking of the myth in which they say, “When the clock strikes twelve, and in front of the mirror with a candle, repeat ‘Bloody Mary’ three times, and She will appear before you and…”(Sorry guise, I forgot the rest of it and it is something I would rather NOT further research about at this time of the day). When I feel nothingness, these are the things that I might do. Because there is nothing to fear, when you are already empty.

Have you ever stood on the 9th storey, looking at the sun setting in front of you? You have more than 10 missed calls on your phone, at least 10 messages asking if you’re alright. And in your head, you’re just thinking, what if I jump down like, from here? Would the pain come before it’s over, or is it over when the pain comes? When you feel empty, the worst kind of “courage” would emerge, and pain does not even matter anymore. And because I felt so empty, all I could think was, “What’s the worst that could happen anyway? Does it even matter?”

But the FEAR of nothingness, the fear of being empty, will be what make you step back and think, geez what the hell was I thinking?! If you’re afraid of feeling empty, you would never have embraced the feeling of it like I did. Nor experienced those crazy bouts of “courage” (that would’ve made me do things with dire consequences) like I did. These nothingness come, when you’re SO hurt, it doesn’t hurt anymore in the end so you’d just feel .. empty.

Which is why I said, Nihilophobia is a good fear to have. Don’t embrace nothingness like I do, because you’ll eventually get addicted to emotional pain and that’s not very healthy is it now? So... I know that that was a very sad post you've just read but it's okays. (Yes I am insane to call it okay.) I am alright as I always have been yeah? P: Still as strong and fit, 2.4 still below 15 minutes ... Yes I know that that's not the point (nor is the timing very good) but if i can crack a joke, it really means I'm fine yeah? P: And ... Thanks for reading till the end. XOXO


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