I could cry an ocean ,
Saturday, May 4, 2013 | 11:57 PM
Was deciding to have an early rest and to chiong mug for the tests next week until i unexpectedly stumbled upon some blogs and my emotions once again got awaken . (such a weird and uncool phrase LOL.) Yesterday was SYF and today's the final , the last performance with the year 6s . After they step down next week , it'll be official , that in a way , i no longer have anyone to rely on . But someone proved me wrong today . That in tough times , i would still have someone to rely on de . :)
Looked through other people's blogs , and my own past post and i realized how i've overlooked how much band has been a big part of me since primary school . How band has shaped me , how i've changed as i grew up in band . Recently , i feel like i've not been true to myself . I told myself i din care when i obviously did . I told myself it's okays when a part of me tingles as i know how badly i've actually done . I told myself it's okays not to be loud and noisy , ridiculously high and happy when that's the true me i've been suppressing . And the worst part ishh i dunno how to bring that true me out anymore . And idk who to tell , who cans help me . :/ I take pride in being Bimbo Teh but now ... what if i've turn into those kinda fake people that i've blogged about in my last post ? What if this ishh the part in life which everyone go through in which they are trying to find their true selves ? I still wanna be carefree please :( ... actually ... i think i've never been . Carefree i mean .
Confessions .
My friends think that i'm strong ,
But truth be told i dont really think that i am .
My friends tell me how envious they are that i'm so sociable .
But only i know how socially awkward i am .
My friends tell me that i'm very AA (attract attention) .
But nobody believed me when i say that i hate crowds .
My friends tell me that i'm such a happy person .
But i din show them how hard i cry when my emotions got the better of me .
But today , i couldn't hold it in anymore . In the morning , i came to school , and within an hour later , i actually started harboring thoughts about how to just pon this performance and go home . I knew what triggered me . But i din admit it . And gave myself crap excuses . And to others who noticed and asked . (i'm sorry Sally and puipui) :'( I guess , i've too strong a pride to admit this kind of stuffs affect me . Lawls . Then my section batch-mate kept pestering me (well there's only one so it wont be hard to guess) , i thought he'd be like , " fine if you wanna be like this . dont tell lor " But he said "why you so down" and i gave all the crap excuses , trying to lie to myself , trying to convince the rest of the world that i'm okays until he pulled me to one side and tell me to tell the truth .
Well , i told him . I have feared that i din mean anything to anybody . I know , i know people might say that as a joke . That i shouldn't take it to heart . But words are words and such things actually are like arrows to me . I know i give people the impression that i've an ego that ishh like a 不倒翁 but actually i'm very sensitive and sentimental . And today was just too emotional so i got my emotions to get the best of me . Yes i'm reflecting i'm sorry i'm so weak today . Gahh . Maybe cause another reason was like i felt like i've been taken for granted . Like , i will definitely be there and i will be doing the stuffs i should be doing (whichever the stuffs ishh) . Put in so much effort and got taken for granted . Yeah common feeling to alot of people i know . :/ Normally i would be only bleeding from the arrow but today it got me tearing ,
Anyways yes i'm better le so don't view me as some double face kind of girls who , in front of people so happy and high go home cry and cut themselves those kind oggays ? :p Just sharing the emotional roller coaster ride and that i'm a normal person who also laugh and cry , not just laugh laugh laugh . Though i did felt like a tap today when all the tears just gush out . Lawls . :/ And socially awkward me usually dont know what to reply after i'm more or less recovered then people ask me "so fine le ah?" Well ,guess i'm still , "Just a Kid" P: Much as i love taking care of other people , i love being taken care of as much too . Thats why i'm quite clingy de i guess :x
To prove my clingy-ness , here's how i cling onto my band conductor and one of my band teacher in charge (who has also taught me econs before too . P: super good teacher lai de !!) . Went with taiwan with them also last year . So they've probably seen the best and worst of me . LOLLOL . Really hope i get the chance to go overseas / outing with them agains in the near future and though i know they complain about the trouble of having to take care of us kids , deep inside they still ^^ de . Hahha . And they are the ones of the many others who have inspired me to pursue the teaching career one day . :x Gratefulness overflows in me . Not just adults too , but my seniors who have taken care of me . P: I'm those kind who will break under stress so i really appreciate it when there's others to help me shoulder them .
Sorry for this post's bad quality photos cause i dont have time to edit them le :(( I still take pride in blogging de nonetheless . Anyways , due to the near-ending of our time together with the year 6s , has been hanging out alot together recently . And after SYF yesterday , we went to Pizzahut to ohm nom nom . Highlight of the day was we had received a cake from the juniors which they made at the Icing Room (funny how just the week before we also went there to make a mini cake for shiqi for her birthday , cakes overload!!) , then the staffs at Pizzahut thought it was someone's birthday so they had this special thing in which the waiter / waitress in charge of our table will have to sing and play the tambourine for us .
Wayyyyy more embarrassing than last time which Pizzahut will dim the lights and play the music from the speaker . Partly cause this seems even more AA and childish and cause as percussionist , we just have to show off our skills after they let us play with the tambourine . LOL . Which made us even more AA and childish . HAHAHA . Then we had a mini argument on the basic rhythm for tambourine then in de end , it was actually that fengxian went to play the primary school tambourine dance rhythm . LOLLOL ! Yeap BVPS used to have this tambourine dance on wed morning and the rhythm goes : "tak tak tak tak , ZZZZZ TAK , ZZZZZ TAK" . It doesn't matter if you dont get it cause i'll be uploading a tutorial . HAHAHAH JUST KIDDING . Beg me and i will show you when i meet you . :P And in case you're wondering , basic rhythm for tambourine goes like : "ZZZ ZZZZ TAK , ZZZZ ZZZZZ TAK" (something like that I THINK) :P but the Pizzahut guy just play : "tak tak tak tak tak" as he bleated . Sorry i wasn't very happy with their service so even thought he was very funny and entertaining it doesn't make up for it :/
When we were there , there was a middle-age couple who came halfway while we were eating . But throughout the whole time that they were there , they just kept looking at their phones and ordered their food , ate , and paid for the bill in silence . the only line we heard from them was : "lets go" . LOL . I think it's very sad actually . Personally i cherish my time with my friends alot alot cause of my strict parents so i cant go out more often . So i've very little time with very important people in my life so i really really try to give my fullest attention to the people i hang out with . So it's sad to see adults letting technology get the better of them (i peeked and everytime i did , they were playing candy crush or something . it will be funny if they were actually texting each other or sth but to actually play games at the meal table ... ? i think that's very bad example especially for the little kids that were there) :( I dont ever wanna get to that stage :x
Almost forgot to thank another two very important year 6s in my band life . In my history essays especially , i've always argued that no matter the outcome of events , the turnouts , it will all lies in the hands of the leaders . The leaders decide which path we will take and how we are gonna take it . Like : Whether or not to launch the missiles . (LOL Cuban Missile Crisis flood my brain) GAHH . So thank you Henry and Huiting , for placing the full stop of this journey with the batch of 2013 at such a happy ending .
Am especially touched for the thoughtful gesture of the excos writing a card for everyone and then hiding it for them to find . And percussion having an exceptional great time , flipping our instruments , before the rest found out . Hahaha . They actually plan for everyone to find the card after the practice (it was the last prac before SYF day) but Shiqi was picking up mallet from the floor then she spotted a card that has got my name on it on the chimes . And thats the beginning of the "Percussion: hunt for the cards" hahahah . At first we really couldn't find the others' but a while later shiqi found hers when i slanted the bass drum to play . hahaha cause it was under the bass drum !
That totally got us motivated and sure that everyone has got one . Then we went to look under the timpani for fengxian's one in the most unglam manner anyone could imagine . And boy does the excos knows how to hide from view man . LOL ! But since it was so hard to find , imagine the great joy we had when we finally manage to did find it ! Hahahaha . But we left a bit of the double sided tape on the instruments .... Hais . Sally still couldn't find hers by then and was really sad cause it really wasn't under the remaining instruments that we were using . BUT BUT BUT in the end we found it at another snare drum . Hahha . Which afterwards , Henry confessed that after he hid the card there , he wanna move it over then i stop him and told him that we dont need that snare drum and he was like "oh shit put at wrong instrument" . LOL !
Nonetheless , it was a great hunt and , after we found all of ours we went to sneak preview at others' . Once agains , squatting / lying down on the floor in the most unglamorous pose ever and seeing others' cards stuck on underneath their chair . Hahahha . Anyways , i've really enjoyed the whole process and am really touched by their thoughtfulness (repeating cause this point needs emphasize!) :p Writing for the whole band wasn't easy . (it already took me tons of time just to prepare for my section de :x) It has been a great year under all of your care :') and ... Yeap . Thanks for reading people , here's a parting photo and quote , " sometimes our vision clears , only after our eyes are washed with tears " ,
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