never give up ,
Saturday, April 23, 2011 | 10:18 PM
Without knowing it , LCD camp somehow saved my life . I was seriously considering suicide . Thinking about giving up on life , giving up on everything . For , frankly speaking , i wont be sad if i had to leave tmr and leave everything behind . I thought i'm alone , thought i'm no longer loved . But that second night in LCD camp , where at first , we were jumping around like mad . My legs were breaking , ( it was even more exhausting than standing behind in band ) , but i felt like i was on drugs , and i never let myself stop . For i wanna be on high as long as i cans .
Then we had this emotional ending . Where they want us to reflect . They played these emotional songs . And till now , i still remember the words i saw clearly on the screen , '绝不放弃' , there were many other touching words . But when i saw those , i let myself feel the pain i've been rejecting myself to feel for the past few days , i embraced the pain , and i allowed myself to believe that i cans get through it . For , somehow , it felt like someone knows how i'm feeling , my secret suicidal thoughts , and they are trying to tell me , dont . Dont you dare give up .
All the different songs , made me think of a lot of people , my teachers , my pri sch friends , my jieyin shini charmaine alicia (whom i was gonna text then) , my keesiaoers , my chenxi isabelle (imytwo . i had a vision of us eating in the canteen sia) , my exes , my percussion , my close besties , my threejumboo ... In a vision faraway , i saw all of them , but among all of them , my eyes focused on you . I thought of the things we went through together , what we used to have , what i still want to experience with you . But in that vision , i saw you walking away . I saw your back facing me , and walking away . And not once did you turn around .
LCD camp was the first camp that i really connected myself to . I rmb , how i could give up during camp , there was this time i was so sian i went home halfway during band camp in year 1 . And this other time , where most people was highing and i went to solo emo occassionally . But in this LCD camp , i amazed myself at what i've done , what i've manage to achieve . There were times where i felt like i'm drifting away from my Jumbo girls , but i realize that deep inside , i believe that they'll be there for me , they'll be there waiting for me . And i din have that feeling for very long ler . It made me feel safe . That feeling , called trust , ♥
` 我不会再认输了:)
To the top